A/N: Ok, I just had to write this. I was swimming to relieve my stress and anxiety and trying to think of something to write about, since I'm having trouble with my latest chapters of my other fics. Then, inspiration hit me. I had been wanting to do another reflective piece, anyway. So, it's not the best thing I've written, but I surely hope it's satisfactory. If not, I'll just delete it. Oh, and it's told in Manjoume's point of view. Even if it might seem OOC, know that this is what Manjoume is thinking, and not what he is expressing. I am portraying him as having thoughts that contrast with his actions.
Disclaimer: I do not own GX.
Many people look back on their high school years with disgust. Most all of them say that they'd never want to go back. Others say it was the best time of their lives; that they'd give anything to return. I am not the type to say I want to relive the past, considering my past wasn't always pleasant. However unpleasant high school might have been at times, it was an important time in my life. A turning point. And now that I have risen from the ranks and become part of the work force, even in my own way as a Pro Duelist, I realize how precious those few years were. It amuses me to think, in the duration of those three years, my entire views on life were changed. And it was all thanks to the people I came in contact with, one person more than the others. Yuuki Juudai changed my life forever.
I entered the Academia as one of the top scoring first years. I was praised by everyone, held in high recognition. It was a great honor to be admitted immediately as an Obelisk Blue. However, with power comes great responsibility, and I was far too puerile to understand this. In fact, I rather abused my position, pushing people around and demeaning others, to glorify my own self worth. However arrogant I may have seemed though, it stemmed from great insecurity that lurked deep beneath the surface. Insecurity that had been planted as a seed by my brothers and had grown into a nasty, warped vision of what I truly was. Perhaps I was always the delusional one. Perhaps if I'd known what true friends were from the start, I wouldn't have been nearly so hard on myself. After all, my vaulting ambition and my expectations were far too great. I had set myself up for inevitable failure, and I nursed it constantly. But what I had been doing was wrong. And no one set me straight until I was shown the true meaning of defeat, the true meaning of caring.
When Juudai defeated me, I was angry, yes. I was so filled with malice and bitterness. How I'd do anything to get my revenge! I went out of my way to be harsh on him, simply because I was humiliated. Simply because he was the epitome of existence, everything I wanted to be, and I knew I should strive to be more like him. However much I tried, it always seemed to backfire. But with each defeat, a certain degree of understanding awoke within me. Whether it was intentional or not, Juudai nudged me in the right direction; he helped to show me my true character that had been hidden by false expectations and a poorly constructed front.
Whereas others wrote me off as "elite" or "snobbish," Juudai saw through my act. He looked through me as though my skin were transparent. He understood me to a depth that no one else had, that no one else took the time to do. No one ever went out of their way for me to quite the same level as this happy-go-lucky Osiris student did. No matter what happened, he was always there for me, even when I tried to push him away. He would not give up on me, which makes me all the more ashamed when I have to admit how I gave up on him. Juudai was the best friend I'd ever had. And I thank him for that.
Each time I fell down, Juudai was there to pick me back up. Even when I was in the Kessha no Hikari, he retained faith in me. He never gave up. He never backed down. Come to think of it, it must've been near impossible for any human to be so devoted. So why did he support me like he did? What made him gravitate towards me to the point that he'd value my life worth his time? He was on a level far above me in so many different ways…yet he was fallible too. And one day, that angel, that god that I highly esteemed, fell like the stars in the sky.
He changed, true, but he wasn't gone forever. It was bound to happen at one time or another--the time that reality sets in and swipes all dreams from your foolish mind. The time that you realize that nothing is ever set in stone, nothing is perpetual in existence. Neither is happiness, which is a fool's dream. Ignorance must give way to responsibility. Maturity must replace childish fantasies. The Juudai I knew morphed from a boy to a man. He may have grown up; we all may have grown up. But through the pain and the joy that we experienced, we always stuck together.
I really wonder, though, if that last year would have been different had the transfer students not come into the picture. That was the event that put a wedge between Juudai and me because that was the year that Johan Andersen arrived. Those two were inseparable almost from the moment they met. I held it in; it was my carefully guarded secret how I truly felt. Of course, I was civil to Johan. I was impressed with his dueling abilities, true, but I felt as though he had replaced me. Juudai spent more time with him than he did with me. And although I'd pushed Juudai away before, I had never really meant to drive him away. I guess I should've known it was going to happen. But when it did…I was filled with such horrible envy. Perhaps I would've given anything to be Johan, and to be privileged with Juudai's presence. Or perhaps it would give me the opportunity to show Juudai how I truly viewed him: with respect instead of resentment.
Was that all it was? Did I merely respect him as a duelist, as an opponent, as a rival? Or was it more? After all, Juudai did possess characteristics that I wanted terribly. Was that what it was? Did I only worship the ground he walked on because he was everyone's friend? Because he was a savior sent down from heaven above?
Avarice. It was a dreadful concept. But when it came right down to it, that was exactly why I worshipped Juudai. Simply because I wanted what he had, I wanted everything he had. No, it was not mere admiration. It was not an attraction of physicality, rather of his soul. His existence fueled my life. He was a necessity to me, something I couldn't live without. As time went on, he became more like a drug. I couldn't get enough. I lived for him, I breathed for him, I did everything in futile hope that he would notice me. He did notice me. He noticed what I did more than anyone else did. Possibly, he knew more than he let on. Many people thought he was too dense. This was not completely true. If he were oblivious to the world around him, if he denied everyone's pain, then why did he go to the painful extent to sacrifice everything, to put everything he had at stake just for others? How then, did he know when someone was in dire need of help? How was he able to know me better than I knew myself? He wasn't dense. He chose to ignore it.
At first I'd thought that Juudai was the most selfish person I knew. I thought he was so self-seeking, a narcissist. But as I got to know him, I realized that he was the most selfless person I'd ever met. Everything he did was for his friends. He cared more for them than his own life. I may have doubted him at times. I may have abandoned him. But he never forgot about me.
It still pains me to think about Dark World. To think about how Juudai risked everything to rescue a dear friend. Even though I'd originally thought that he cared about nothing except for Johan, his beloved one, I'd been wrong. He cared deeply for the rest of us too. It was not his fault. I still feel as though I never expressed my true feelings about the matter to the fullest depth. I still feel as though our closing goodbyes were not enough to satisfy the burning ache that continues to linger inside.
Even though we send each other e-mails, we haven't had the proper time to talk, to relate everything on our minds. At least, I know I haven't. Since graduation, the e-mails have been sparsely set apart. I suppose that if I really wanted to, I could initiate more communication. If I worked up the nerve, perhaps I could tell him how I truly felt about him, what I honestly thought of him.
It disturbs me greatly. Here I am at the beach, trying to relax a few days between duels yet he still enters my mind again and again! Well, I suppose I should have expected such. After all, where there is a beach, there is an ocean. That was how I remembered the brunette in the first place: the sea. It ebbs in a perpetual, rhythmic motion, a motion reminiscent to life. The sea may change, but it is always there, stretching endlessly out to the horizon, reflecting the shattered colors and images from the sky above. It connects all continents, providing a link that people can share, no matter how far away they are. The sea reminds me of Juudai. He was that type of person: the type that linked us all together and provided us with hope. He was always there, even through the changing times. I know he still is out there somewhere…Hopefully one day I can find him again. If I could just touch him one more time and know that hope has not died, know that there is a guardian over life and light and darkness…that would be enough for me.
I can't believe I have allowed myself to slip to this level. No one else shall ever know of it…Perhaps Juudai will never know either. He is more to me than another person. He is more to me than the essence of life itself. His soul is beautiful, strange as it sounds. Not one in a million people could ever amount to half of what he is.
I imagine that I am standing in front of him again, staring into his dark eyes. They always hold a sort of gentle audacity to them, a sort of confidence that is inexplicable. I want to touch him, to feel the warmth of his hands and know that he does exist, that he is human. I want to feel the hot pulse of his blood against me, to assure me that his mortality is equal to mine. Closing my eyes and envisioning his face makes it all the worse. It makes me curious. I want to know what his lips taste like, just for a second, for a passing moment in time. It should soon after be gone forever, but if I could have the chance, I would seize the opportunity and cherish it for eternity.
How foolish of me. How ashamed I am to adore him in such a sinful manner. But the idea is so tantalizing, so absurd and delicious; I crave him. I cannot toss the thought to the wind. My mind won't let me relinquish him. Even after all this time, knowing I would never reveal my secret to him, I still cannot release him. It is so wicked. So wrong. Such a vice would be frowned upon in the high society I reside in. But if it is that, then let it be so. I shall indulge to the day I die and take it to my grave. He would give all for me. I would give all for him. If only I had the opportunity to do so.
Given, I would never behave so impulsively and obscenely in public. I am not without class. I have manners and concept of the basic sociological expectations. Granted, I would behave in a stoic, reserved manner so as not to disclose my true intentions. Perhaps I'd even be bitter again. I might put him down if I got the chance. But not in a way that was completely demeaning. I could never do that to the person I was closest to, at a time.
I claimed to have known what love was. I claimed to have been in love with Tenjoin Asuka. That may have been true for a time. But, as we grew closer as friends, I found myself growing out of touch with Juudai. Perhaps he felt as though I was stable since I had Asuka. But I found that I didn't really want her as much as I'd thought. The idea of something being unattainable, the idea of something being in high demand and desired by all, it draws one in and holds him tightly, refusing to release. That was how I felt about Asuka. She was out of my reach, so I wanted her. She was something I couldn't have, a challenge. So I chased after her relentlessly for awhile. However, when I discovered she could never reciprocate my feelings, I satisfied myself with her friendship. It was not enough though. There was still the familiar ache that told me I was lacking something, a crucial piece of my soul. I wondered what it was…I denied it…But Johan's arrival made it so clear.
Perhaps I should cease this nonsensical beating around the bush. Perhaps I simply need to admit it, come clean with myself so that I can close this chapter of my life for good. If I ever choose to pursue him, then it will be much later in life. But for now, I must put him behind me. I must move on and live my own life the way I was intended to. I cannot cling to him to preserve my true personality for eternity. I need to be independent and live life for myself instead of for him. And that is why I am breaking free. That is why I am allowing myself to admit what I denied for so many years, so many restless days and nights. I will say it once and wash my hands of the matter. The truth is…I love Yuuki Juudai with all my heart. But it cannot go on in such a manner. Not when he has more important ambitions in life. Perhaps he will never love me the same way I love him. He is not interested in my affections, nor those of anyone. His one goal in life is to help others. And since we have split paths and grown detached in many ways, it is time to say goodbye. It was lovely knowing him, it was lovely that he taught me so many things. I may never meet him face to face again, but let it be known to him that I am eternally grateful. And, to the day I die, I shall never forget him. He shall always be the one I chose to receive my entire devotion. But, if one truly loves something, he will let it go. If I love Juudai, I must let him go. But he will be my one and only forevermore.
A/N: Ok, I figure that must've been crappy. But I was trying to sort of tug at the heart all the same. So, tell me your thoughts on it. It also sort of ties into a personal matter that I came to terms with recently…four years is a long time but…sometimes that's what it takes. I hope it's not too bad. DX