Author's Note: My FAVORITE Captain! I don't imagine him as being very much interested in romance... but ya never know... this kinda starts out sad... hopeless really... but things aren't always what they seem.
He was my captain. I was only a third seat, and he never seemed to know my name. I was considered unimportant, though my powers were honestly captain-level. I understood how he treated me, at least- I tried to. But it is so hard to just ignore how badly I was hurting inside when he would ignore me. He always wore a smile- a smile that hid his true feelings and intentions. Maybe that was how I never saw his betrayel coming. What am I saying? I know what happened. I was blinded by my love for him. How could I have been so blinded by my feelings? But, I know. I never knew love... and the mere thought of it- of having someone love me- was enough to intoxicate me. I should have known better... but I would never change a thing- not even now.
It was late when I went to drop off my paper work to my captain. Having been out all day fighting a group of Hollows in America, I was tired and just wanted to get this over with quickly. At least, that was my intention. I always thought that I wanted nothing more than to go to bed when dropping off my work, but then HE would be there. I walked into his office, sat my papers down, and then realized that he was watching me intently. For a moment, I could see he was wondering who the hell I was and what I was doing there. I felt like dying, but I wouldn't let Him see... I couldn't. Oh, how I wished he would notice me! How I wished he would remember my name, for just a moment- I would do anything! But, he didn't. He never said a word, never even blinked his eyes.
Even with him acting this way, I couldn't help but wish to linger in his presence. Being around him... it just felt right. I tried to think of some reason for me to stay longer, but I knew that there was none. With a sigh, I surrendered to the inevitable. "If you need me, Captain Ichimaru, I'll be resting." I said and walked out of the door.
Still, he didn't react. I wasn't surprised, but I was broken hearted. How can you love someone so much and have them breaking your heart and soul every moment that you saw them? Wouldn't a soul just give up? I suppose not... though one might feel like one was broken. I know I did.
Things were always like this in Division 3, so I couldn't help but give up on ever telling him how I felt. Every night, I would write in my journal about my love... and every night I would sleep alone. I never got over him, and even though I had other guys who wished for my love... I never dated anyone. I began to feel as if I could never love anyone... that even if HE was to tell me that he loved me as well, that I wouldn't be able to respond.
Several years later, things hadn't changed. I still loved him, and he still didn't know who I was. That said, I was considering transfering out of His division... to see if I might escape my love... but things didn't turn out as planned. While I was talking the idea over with myself, Kira entered my room. He smiled at me as he always did... I saw him as a big brother and I thought he felt the same.
"Hey, what's this about you leaving our division? What would make you want that?" He asked me, caring as he always did.
"I... I just need to get away. To see something different." I tried to lie to him, but somehow, he saw through it.
"Come on, Akira. Tell me the truth." The way he said this made me want to hide my face. However, I knew better than to do so.
"I fell in love... with someone... and I... don't think I can stand to be around him... without him even knowing I exist. I'm less than no one to him." I tried to keep my words vague so that Kira wouldn't know who I meant.
Apparently, he knew all too well. "Akira... please don't get offended or anything if I'm wrong... but it's Captain Ichimaru, isn't it?"
I sighed. Was I really that obvious? If so, how could Captain Ichimaru not have realized my feelings? Or had he and he didn't care? I couldn't find the words to speak, so I merely nodded at my friend.
"Oh, Akira... have you tried to tell him?"
I blushed, but then my anger got the best of me. My voice continued to raise with every word I said, but I couldn't care less. "Of course I haven't told him! He's my Captain for Heaven's sake! Besides... he doesn't even know my name. He wouldn't ever notice if I just vanished one day. It wouldn't matter to him."
Kira sighed, not knowing what to do. "He would too..."
"No, he wouldn't. I am nothing to him. I never will be. I need to accept this... that's why I want to leave... so that I don't torment myself by being around him and knowing he can never be mine."
If only I had known that I was shouting. Then I might have known how to react when the very Captain who I was speaking of, entered my room. He seemed confused, not that he's ever obvious about things... its just the same expression when ever he sees me... a total blank. "What's going on here? Why the shouting?"
I looked away, unsure of how to answer. Kira seemed at a loss for words as well. I could just hear my love's grin as he continued speaking, "Sometimes I just don't know what to do with you two. Kira, maybe its best if you leave our third seat alone... she seems to be upset with you."
I was somewhat shocked. He knew I was his third seat? That was unusual. Normally I was just ignored. If only I had known what was coming in just a few short days... what he had planned... but I didn't. I... let my feelings get in the way. I never noticed as Kira left the room. I was too busy in my own thoughts to realize that my Captain had sat down beside me. That is, until it hit me that he was still there...
"T-thank you, Captain Ichimaru... I just let my temper get the best of me..." I began to try to explain myself, but I found my words dying in my throat when I realized he was no longer smiling. "Captain?"
"Akira... what were you and Kira fighting over?" I couldn't answer his question... I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. He knew my name? When had this happened?
"Akira? Are you still in there?"
"Oh! I'm sorry, Captain... I just... spaced out for a second. The fight's not important... it doesn't really matter anyway."
He looked at me, almost like he didn't believe me. "It sure sounded important. I've never heard you lose your temper before."
"Its nothing... I'm serious." Lying to him was harder than I thought, but I couldn't stand the embarassment if he knew the truth.
"Akira... it sounded as if you were talking about a guy... in our division... that you would give your life for if he would only notice you." Somehow, my Captain's voice sounded sad.
"Yeah... you caught me. But he'll never feel the same." It was strange, talking to the man I loved about this. But somehow, I still found myself enjoying the little attention that he was giving me.
"How will you know if you never tell him?"
"If I tell him, things will just be weird if he doesn't feel the same."
"I'm sure that Kira would understand..." When he said this I couldn't help but look confused. What would have made him think it was Kira? I mean, we were friends... but I never even thought about that...
"I don't like Kira. He's like my brother."
"That's strange, then. He cares about you."
Have you ever had one of those moments when the world seems like it's totally upside down? This was one of them. I sat in silence, unsure of what to do now. If this conversation went any further... he would know the truth... but if I asked him to leave now, he could probably figure it out anyway. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
"Who if not him?"
I didn't answer. After a few minutes, he sighed and left. I felt like crying, but I knew that there were no more tears for me to shed. Instead, I chose to write in my journal.... and I found it missing. Now I knew something was up. It had been here before Kira had left. Had he taken it? What if he was planning on doing something with it?
I found myself in a total panic, when I realized the other person who could have taken it- Captain Ichimaru. Oh, Heaven, please. Anything but that! There was nothing I could, I came to realize. One way or another, the cat was out of the bag.
With a sigh, I began to pack my bags. If the worst was to come, I would be ready to leave. That looked to be my only option, and I knew it.
A few days later, Soul Society was in chaos. Captain Aizen had been murdered and it looked as if my Captain had done it. Though, I knew it couldn't have been him. I had seen him... though he had not seen me. During the first few hours of that chaos, I managed to find my journal... in my Captain's hands. He was reading it, and I flinched mentally. He sighed, and put it down. "She loved me? Of all the things..."
I couldn't stand to hear anymore. I didn't want to know how much he hated me. I couldn't let myself know. So, I slipped silently back to my room and picked up my bag. It was time to make a run for it. No one would notice me missing until everything had calmed down again. Without another thought, I made a run for it. Only to be knocked out before I could make it out of Division 3.
When I came to, I had a horrible headache. For the first few minutes, I couldn't open my eyes. When I did, I had no clue where I was. The room around me was white. There seemed to be no other colors. There was a single door and a single window. Moonlight was what illuminated my room. Slowly getting up, I went to look out of the window.
What I saw, surprised me. It was nothing but desert. Where in the name of Heaven was I? As I stared out into that nothing, I heard footsteps behind me. Turning, I came face to face with my Captain. I was nothing if I wasn't shocked.
"C-Captain Ichimaru? Where am I?" My voice sounded horse, but there was nothing I could do about it.
"Hueco Mundo... home of the Hollows. And your new home as well." I heard his words, but I couldn't help but be confused.
"I'm sorry, I'm not following."
He smiled, even more so than normal. "I brought you here. Along with Captain Aizen."
"Aizen is dead... isn't he?" Yet another moment where things just didn't seem to fit.
"It was an illusion. But... that's not why you are here... Akira..."
I knew what was coming next. He couldn't possibly love me. I prepared myself as he began to speak. But what I was about to hear, would not be what I had expected. And it would be what would keep me here, siding against Soul Society in a war I didn't care about... all for him. All those times I thought he was confused, he was... just not about who I was... but if I cared for him. Funny sometimes how things aren't what they seem.
"Akria...I just want you to know... I brought you here... because I too... cannot live without you."