All she knows is waking up, and remembering, with startling clarity, the image of green eyes, both serene and teasing, burnt into her very mind.
Her dreams are the worst of them all, when there are things she can't make out, when she sees the butterflies fluttering in the air, reflected in the glass that surrounds her everywhere. Then, she falls, and falls, and sinks deeper down.
Nothing.
Loneliness. Sadness. Guilt. Pride. Hope. Wishes. Farewells. Miracles.
In the darkness that envelopes her, she can't tell what's right or wrong anymore. It forces her down, makes her suffocate, makes her mind drowsy. Even so, she can see the marvelous shade of green she longs to see, longs to have in her sight.
"Nozomi," she whispers, opening her eyes.
The castle halls are tall and gloomy, she thinks. Even now, the shadows always make her antsy. Patrol is always boring regardless, the same routine day in and day out. Her family has bred a wonderful generation of knights and she is no exception. She wonders what it would be like if she threw it all away and ran so far that her family wouldn't be able to find her.
The rapier is heavy in her hands. Her armor is both familiar and unfamiliar, a heavy weight on her body, a childhood blanket she's worn forever.
On a moonlit night, she remembers taking her patrol into the garden of the castle. The garden forms a maze, acting as a masterpiece to the creative gardeners of the castle. Its true intent is a maze meant to captivate and ensnare those foolish enough to invade, for they become forever lost in its beauty.
The lilies are in bloom, swaying gently in the wind. She sees someone sitting in the middle of the garden, long hair trailing behind them. Must be one of the maids, she thinks, and moves to scold them back into the safety of the gloomy castle. She steps loudly on the cobblestones, announcing her presence. The figure turns around.
Green eyes blink at her, frightened and anxious. She freezes, feels herself unwinding underneath that look. The royal signet ring hangs on her neck.
She kneels, murmuring softly. A hand on her head forces her gaze up. Those green eyes have turned gentle, serene. She realizes the rumors about the princess are every bit true.
"Rise," she murmurs, and she has no choice but to obey, for she could never resist that beautiful voice. "Your name," she asks for later.
Eli, she gives. For her, she would give everything, give until there was nothing left of her except dust and bone. The princess smiles faintly and bends down, whispering her to secrecy.
It violates every bit of duty Eli has had ingrained into her. She's lived countless lives but still falls back to obeying obligations. Perhaps it makes sense then, that the only one that draw Eli away from her own limits is her, with those words that reverberate into her very soul and redefine what Eli can truly do.
"If you were less reserved," the princess murmurs one night, with her eyes half-lidded and smile teasing, "you'd be the most beautiful person in the whole world."
Eli feels her cheeks burn, trying to hide them from her princess. She's always known what to say to make her flustered. Her princess laughs, and Eli swallows that sound, keeps it locked tight inside of her.
"Red really is," her princess remarks with a quiet laugh, "a nice color on you." Eli feels herself choke up again, fighting the rising blush on her face, keeping her gaze down, unable to speak.
She doesn't have the courage to mutter what she wants to say. How could anything be more beautiful than you?
They continue to meet, in their secret garden, away from prying eyes. Eli never had the heart to resist anything from her, never could she refuse anything when those eyes tempt her so.
But these days they both treasure do not last forever, when the castle comes under attack. The princess pleads for her knight to come with her, to escape into blackness of the night. Eli only gives her a faint smile and turns around, drawing her rapier, eyes hard as she stares down the enemies.
This is the one act of selfishness Eli allows herself, as she keeps those beautiful green eyes in her mind even as the lances run her through and everything fades away.
Opening her eyes reveals the pristine white ceiling. Turning her head shows the machines, beeping in rhythm next to her. One of her arms is gone. She can't move her body at all. She can't even speak. When she tries to remember, all she can hear is a loud screech and a terrible crash. Her head hurts. Her arm is sore with something that is no longer there.
The door opens. Someone comes in. A man. He runs to her side. He grabs her hands. Sis, he calls her. She doesn't remember him at all.
An accident, they say. Memory loss, the doctors write. Impossible, her brother screams. Why, her unfocused and dull eyes plead.
She closes her eyes.
Darkness? There is nothing but black in her vision, seeping into her. It engulfs her fully, swallowing her. She tries to scream, tries to fight, until she remembers she can't move her body. She struggles, trying to find something steady. Her hands touch something and just as easily, it slips out. She feels something dragging her, further inside, deeper, until her resistance stops. Her breath catches, and she's drowning, drowning into nothing, drowning with everything.
She wonders why she even tries in the first place. She's never been good with the darkness. It's always, it's always -
Something flashes.
Green.
A touch on her head.
She opens her eyes.
Eyes the color of the forest stare back at her.
She widens her eyes, opens her mouth, moves her fingers, anything. She wants nothing more than to reach out, to grab her, crush her to her chest and whisper in her ear. The nurse with the most beautiful green eyes startles. There is nothing but unfamiliarity in them.
It's like looking into a mirror. After all, how can she remember her when she can't even remember herself?
"It... looked like you were having a nightmare, so I woke you up," the nurse whispers, trying to smile reassuringly. It looks so wrong.
Ah, she wants to say, but her mouth can't move at all. The lilies on her desk sway in the cool breeze that the open window brings forward. The nurse leaves the room, taking her green eyes with her.
Eli feels as if her entire being has become wrapped in darkness.
The alley is dark, everything is dark, but the darkness is everything she's ever known. She was born and raised in this solitude, the shadows a familiar blanket of comfort around her. They encase around her like a cloak, warping everything around her until even her mind is nothing but black. How ironic, that this is the first time she's ever felt so comfortable in darkness.
She's tired, she thinks absently. So tired, so tired of chasing after something she isn't even sure of. Whenever she closes her eyes, she hears that faint laughter. It used to sound warm, like a soft blanket wrapping around her very being. Now, it sounds mocking and cruel, as if taunting her with something she'll never, ever find.
"Elicchi! Don't stop now, you're almost there."
She's always the one who motivates her, always pushes her straight ahead, even when there is nothing next to her.
She stands here right now, in an empty and broken building, staring up at the lonely moon. Below her is nothing but silence, save for the occasional cry and shouts. This world she was born in is unnecessarily cruel, she's learned. She's fought tooth and nail for everything to get up to this point in her life.
Her most vivid memory is being locked up, in a cage full of darkness and shadows, with nothing but the twilight and gloom to keep her company. The only thing that keeps her going are those green eyes, those wonderful green eyes that bring light into her world. She fights, claws her way out, an angry and vengeful beast ready to do anything to see that radiant smile again. In this merciless world, she has to do at least this much to survive.
In the end, all she has are the clothes on her back and the gun she's managed to steal, a single bullet ready to end everything.
But she's tired, so tired of everything, so tired of being haunted by a specter, being pulled along as if she has no will. She's tired of always reaching her hand out and catching nothing, watching the butterflies fade in and out, like a cruel taunt. When she closes her eyes, there are no butterflies here.
The sound of a footstep echos out behind her.
Her eyes snap open as she whips around, gun ready to fire –
A loud crack fills the air. She sinks to the ground, clutching her chest, rasping for breath, trying to hold on as she sears the image of her killer into her mind.
Green eyes continue to bore into hers, the coldest she's ever seen them.
Even so, she thinks they're the most beautiful sight she's ever seen and she wants nothing more than to fight the encroaching darkness threatening to take away this glorious sight. Her mouth moves, up and down, as she breathes the name that continues to remain constant in all her memories.
She doesn't know what's worse, the moment when the darkness pulls her back, or the flash of recognition in those green eyes.
In one world, they live in mundane peace. They meet when they're young, young enough that she only remembers the flashes of things she dreams of, only knows that there's something about the girl with green eyes.
They're both always closed off in their own worlds. It's always been in her nature to be aloof and stoic. She can no longer remember if that's how she is originally or if the memories make it hard for her to be anything else. Everyone is so insignificant, they do not have the eyes she wants to see, the tantalizing shade of green that calms her. Maybe that's why, it's always her that drags her out, always gives her the push she's been waiting for.
They go through life together. Everyone remarks that they're always together, as if they've been fated to be so. She can't help but laugh at that, laugh at the complete irony of it. When she lies down at night, she stares hard at Nozomi's face, trying to imprint every detail into her memory. Her long, luscious violet hair, so soft that Eli loses herself whenever she strokes it. Her green eyes, the only thing that bring peace to Eli's stormy blue eyes.
The body in her arms is so warm and soft, everything she's been looking for her whole life, searching for in all her memories. Her laughter rings clear, like a wonderful melody, as she breathes her name over and over again. "Eli, Elichika, Elicchi."
Nozomi, she whispers brokenly, in the dead of the night, where no one can hear her except themselves. She drinks in every breath that escapes Nozomi's mouth, remembers the places that make her cry and sing with pleasure, buries herself and lets herself sink deeper, more, more. Nozomi, Nozomi, Nozomi -
But Eli opens her eyes and there is nothing next to her, only a faint laughter drifting off into the sky that she'll never forget.
She is twenty-four, has countless suitors, owns her own company, does everything perfectly, and is unsatisfied with everything.
She's always had to do everything for the good of her family. She's never had time for herself or anything else. When she does time to herself, usually only several minutes, her mind always drifts back to those green eyes, every single damn time. Sometimes, she remembers flashes of her previous lives. Mostly, she remembers the feelings (uselessness, anger, desperation, loneliness, resignation – everything) piling up inside of her, reaching a point where they threaten to spill over, threaten to pull her apart until she can no longer see past her own flaws.
It makes her sick. She wants nothing more than to throw it all away, run away.
Run, her mind roars, the word surging through her. Run.
But if she runs, she'll never be able to see what she's been craving for. What is it she wants though? Every time she thinks she's so close to the answer, she suddenly finds herself blank, the butterflies in her vision dim. All she knows is that she's missing something and there is nothing that can fill her. How can she tell that she aches for something she knows is out there but cannot see?
(How many times has it already been? How many failures has she already had?)
She leans back in her chair at the cafe, clenching her hand tightly around her cup. Her coffee is cold, just like everything in her. She's sick of everything, angry that those green eyes always pull away from her as soon as she gets close, tired that she's always so late every single time. Even her pride has its limits.
She gets up and walks to the door. She does not expect to bump into anyone, her cup spilling out onto the ground. She opens her mouth to apologize.
Green eyes blink confusedly at her, and Eli's mouth is dry, so painfully dry. Time stops for Eli, but there is no spark of recognition in those eyes, no room for Eli. (Again, again, again –)
"Don't worry about it," the other woman laughs, removing napkins from her bag. She bends down and cleans up the baby in the stroller, making sure to be tender.
A child. Her child, with the same purple hair and green eyes.
(Would those eyes be blue, in another time?)
A man comes next to them, putting his arm around her shoulders. The woman smiles affectionately at him, crinkling her eyes as she leans into him. She watches them leave, watches as she smiles at him, watches the rest of her life shatter again in this world.
When she's by herself, she recalls that soft look, that gaze full of love. She clenches her fists so tightly blood drips down in a steady stream. She doesn't care. Her blood has been spilled countless times, blood spilled for her, blood for blood. She looks up, into the mirror. The glass reflects someone she doesn't know, blue eyes so tired, so resigned. She brings her hand up, smearing her blood across all the glass, erasing that pathetic look from her face. She sinks to her knees, letting out a shuddering breath. The butterflies are quiet this time.
Eli is so tired –
Space is limitless, full of infinite potential. When she wakes up this time, humanity has advanced so far that everything makes her head spin. But she adjusts, as she always does, because even if this world looks different, she still chases after the same thing over and over again.
With lots of hard work, she finally manages to get her own space ship. Of course, it's to be expected. She's always been successful in her memories. (The definition of success varies wildly with each iteration. In some worlds, success means surviving, in others, she stands at the top of the world, waiting for the next time she'll run into that teasing smile and tranquil eyes.)
She takes to traveling the endless road with only the stars to lead her, free to do what she wants. She discovers everything she's never had the chance to do. Everything in this life is beyond her wildest dreams, really. She remembers looking up into the sky and thinking of what it would be like to fly among them. Now, she actually is, and her memories makes her feel as if she's the only one who can truly appreciate what it feels like to soar through the stars, to reach out and touch what was impossible, to remember what it felt like to not be able to achieve all of this.
Every single bizarre thing she can think of, she's seen. Creatures that have too many eyes, monsters that have too many mouths and teeth, different species with morality so different and drastic from humans that sometimes, she barely manages to dance away with her life.
On some planets, the moon is orange. On others, the sun reflects an odd shade of gray, still hot and burning. Sometimes, the air is so cold and frigid that she feels like her whole body is made out of ice. Other times, it's so mind-numbingly hot that she feels like she'll melt, sink into her own puddle of loneliness and doubt, with only the thrumming of her own heart to keep her company.
She realizes it then, the fallacy of humans, the drawback to being able to travel among the stars. On some of the days, (or nights, there really is no concept of time here) she feels as if she'll go mad, listening to a voice that she's never heard, hearing her own heartbeat echoing in her prison, seeing nothing but green on her cold, metal walls.
Space is limitless and vast, full of everything she can imagine, and she still never finds that pair of green eyes that beckon to her in her dreams.
Certainly, this is one of the stranger lives she's had, she can't help but think as she flattens her ears against her head, growling softly. She doesn't know how long she's lived now, centuries? Millenniums? That's one perk of not being human, she figures. If only it didn't mean having to survive all that loneliness, piling up on top of her that she's sure would drive a lesser being insane.
Surviving on the outskirts of civilization, living by herself, as she searches for something she isn't even sure of. Then –
Her scent.
Her ears shoot straight up, alert and ready, yellow tail swishing behind her as she follows her nose. Crouching low to the ground, the leaves and bushes hide her body. She creeps closer, whiskers twitching.
Then she sees her.
But she doesn't expect her to be lying down, chest barely rising, blood pouring out of her.
She immediately dashes for her, growling worriedly. One of her legs twist awkwardly and her arm is a nasty color of purple that she's never liked. As carefully as she can, she scoops up the unconscious girl and brings her back to her den, snarling at anything that threatens to get in her way.
She tends to her, mixing herbs and using her centuries old knowledge of things to expedite the healing. Anything, to make this girl feel better.
When she finally opens her eyes, her eyes are every bit the wonderful green she'd been searching for.
"W-where am... I?" the girl rasps, throat dry. She accepts the bowl of water handed to her. Then her eyes (so wonderful, so wide, so innocent) widen once clarity returns to her. "A-are – what." She closes her mouth. "A... girl? A fox?"
She flattens her ears with a frown, sitting cross-legged. "I saved your life," she only says. Then she smiles, trying to keep her tail from twitching in excitement. "I'm Eli."
"Eli?" The girl murmurs, blinking at her. "My name is Nozomi."
"Nozomi," Eli says, reverently, tilting her head. "Nozomi." She leans forward, letting green eyes pierce into her very being. "Nozomi."
"Um... yes." Nozomi looks away.
"Your name..." Eli licks her lips. "It sounds nice. I like it."
"H-huh?" Nozomi gapes at her before she ducks her head. "T-thank you. I think."
The next few days are bliss for Eli. Nozomi is too hurt to move just yet but Eli always makes sure she has proper care. Nozomi is timid but falling asleep on Eli's fluffy tail quickly assuages her fears that Eli is hostile and means harm. Nozomi tells her about her life. Eli drinks in every detail, staring into Nozomi's green eyes.
Nozomi is a shy girl who's moved to the countryside to live with her grandparents. (She was always shy at first.) She likes the clean air of the mountains compared to the suffocating atmosphere of the city. (She'd always liked the places where she could take a deep breath and smell nothing but the earth herself.) There was something about the forest that drew her to it, she admits. (She always had a predisposition for the supernatural.) She could listen to Nozomi forever, revels in her beautiful, familiar voice.
So lost in her joy that Eli misses the shout of humans.
Demon, they shriek. Eli watches as Nozomi is pulled away from her, watches as the fading light in those green eyes goes further away.
Eli howls with rage, bares her sharp fangs, long claws ready to rip everything around her. Don't you dare, her mind chants, bestial indignation gripping her very soul, don't you dare, don't you dare–
"Red really is a nice color on you."
When she comes to, everything is broken and mangled. The taste of iron clings heavily to her mouth, dripping like the tears of loneliness she's used to shedding. She licks her lips.
A figure cowers next to the trees, hiding underneath her hands. Eli approaches her, smiling weakly.
Nozomi shakes her head, pleading incoherently.
Demon, Nozomi's eyes accuse in that wide-eyed look. Monster.
Eli never forgets that look, disappearing into the darkness.
In a world where everything is dead and crumbling, where hope is a word spoken in harsh and biting whispers, it's all she ever thinks about. Everything happened so suddenly and quickly that she can still remember how normal everything was supposed to look, when the streets weren't upturned and the sky wasn't the color of smoke and ash.
The end of the world, everyone cries as they pilfer and hurt each other, commit unspeakable crimes that no longer have meaning in their battered world, destroyed beyond all belief. But Eli can still push forward, because her world is still out there somewhere, breathing, living, waiting for her.
She closes her eyes and thinks about the pull of green eyes that urge her forward. She dreams of a field, a beautiful garden surrounding her on every side. Her hands move, as if stroking something soft, real. She imagines someone whispering in her ear, murmuring of promises given so long ago that she only remembers that they were given.
It keeps her going, as everything breaks down around her, as the buildings crash around her, as fires roar and whirl all around her, as the grounds shake with terrible ferocity that every step causes them all to tumble. But she continues, pulling ahead, for those green eyes she always dreams of. It's the only thing that can help push her forward, after all.
When she finally finds them, they're listless and completely dull, lying on the ashen ground. She kneels down, cradling the cold, cold, body. She brushes the hairs from that broken face, laughing, laughing, and laughing.
Still laughing, she gladly lets the darkness take her this time.
She runs, runs, and runs. Will she ever catch up? She doesn't know, never has known when she has. How many times has she done this? She doesn't remember anymore, not when she never comes close to what she's searching for.
Run.
Her legs burn. Everything in her tells her to stop, stop chasing after something so impossible. The butterflies that used to lead her with their brilliant light no longer shine so brightly, a dim murmur in the blackness of everything.
Run.
But she doesn't want to. She's been running for so long she can no longer see the end, can no longer see if finding that shade of green is worth everything. She's so tired of trying to fight through the darkness, desperately reaching out for something, wishing, hoping, that maybe for once, she'll be able to hold onto something.
Run.
She does. She does, until everything hurts, until she can't breathe, until she can't think straight, until everything blurs together. Endure, her mind screams, endure, and endure.
If she stops, then everything she's done will be insignificant. Everything she's lived for will fade away and leave her broken and empty. Everything she worked so hard for will become meaningless and even if she never remembers, as long as Eli does, then that's the only thing she needs. To stop running is to forget everything, to forget her.
If I did that... then why... for what reason...
She runs, and falls, sinking into the darkness. She's choking, she's drowning, she's breathing, she can't tell anymore. The darkness constricts around her fully and she is no longer aware of herself.
"Elicchi."
The gentlest hands splay across her face. She opens her eyes, blinking up.
"Nozomi," she murmurs, raising a hand. It lands on Nozomi's cheek. Never has she felt anything so warm, so real. Nozomi gives her a faint smile, the same one that haunts her endlessly.
"You're really stubborn, you know that?" Nozomi says with quiet laughter, as her fingertips caress her face in the softest of touches. Eli leans into her touch.
"Only because you're so troublesome," Eli murmurs with a sigh.
"You know I have a habit of moving a lot," Nozomi says with a giggle, apologizing with with a gentle touch to Eli's forehead, knows Nozomi means it when her touch lingers. "Are you tired?" She asks, moving her hands to stroke Eli's hair.
"Yeah," Eli whispers. Nozomi hums softly, a tune that she can't quite place. She's might have heard it in one of the other lives. The butterflies dance around them, swirling all around, caging them in their garden of glass, but there isn't anywhere else Eli would rather be. The moon shines brightly up ahead, illuminating them, but Nozomi will always shine the brightest to her.
"You've been through a lot," Nozomi says, her voice trembling with guilt. "You can rest now."
Eli cranes her neck, looking up into those green eyes she's spent chasing. Nozomi brushes against Eli's blue eyes, smiling gently. Her touch lulls her consciousness away but she wants nothing more than to keep her eyes open, to stare at what she's been chasing for so long, to lay her eyes on what's danced around her grasp this whole time.
"I won't run away this time." Nozomi smiles in that teasing way when she bends down to press a soft kiss to her forehead. Eli threads her fingers through one of Nozomi's hands, lays a soft kiss on it, smiling when Nozomi's green eyes turn embarrassed and red graces her cheeks this time. Even if for only a brief moment, there is no darkness here, no underlying ache that nearly tears her apart, only calm and serenity as she gazes into Nozomi's eyes.
Eli burns the image of green and glass into her mind and closes her eyes.
A/N: ... think the only thing I can say is I hope they sound in character. Thanks for reading.