Chapter 1.
Clarke was lost. She was alone and soaked in the woods and she didn't care at all. She sat on the wet ground with her back against a large tree, lost in her thoughts. She had killed 300 people in Mount Weather a month ago and she was still trying to recover, but she just couldn't forgive herself for killing so many people, innocent people. She had often cursed Cane for not listening to her and forcing her hand to pull the lever. He was the only one who truly deserved to die that day.
She couldn't shake off the image of all the other people gasping for air, burn marks growing on their skin and desperately trying to get away, but they couldn't and Clarke had forced herself to watch those people die on the screens in the control room.
And it was all because of Lexa.
Just the mere thought of her made her anger flare up from deep inside her and made her want to push on. She would have her revenge for her demons. She would made Lexa pay for what she had done and the choice Clarke had to make to pull the lever. If only Lexa had kept true to her word, then it would all be different now. They had build some sort of relationship during the time of their alliance and had spent a lot of time together planning the attack on the Mountain Man and though it was mostly a lot of strategics, sometimes Lexa and Clarke actually got along and even opened up a little, like the moment Lexa had kissed her and showed she wanted more then just an alliance with Clarke.
Even though she wasn't quite ready for it after such a short time after Finns death, Clarke really enjoyed spending time with the commander of the Trikru and sometimes even thought that it wouldn't be impossible to have more than an alliance.
But Lexa ruined it all that night at Mount Weather when she made the deal with Cane. She left Clarke and her people to die and shattered every piece of trust she had earned from Clarke.
All to save her people.
Clarke often thought about it, even dreamt about it, but she couldn't help but to feel hurt. Why would Lexa do that to her?
A loud crack from a snapped twig shook Clarke back to the present and she immediately tensed at the sound. She was alone and a target after murdering the Mountain Man, because the grounders now believed she was Wanheda, the commander of death and that she had strong powers that would transfer onto her killer.
She listened intensely for any more sounds and never moved an inch, for every slight movement could give away her location. Luckily she was able to trade some food for a dirty green cloak, witch gave her the perfect cover in the woods. She hid underneath her cloak and waited, but never heard another sound. Slowly she relaxed and decided that she had been in the same place for too long. She got up to find a shelter for the night.
Clarke's days were long and lonely and full of struggles trying to find food, but she preferred it over being at Camp Jaha, seeing all the faces she had saved from the mountain, but she could never see them apart from the 300 innocent dead Mountain Men. There was just too much blood on her hands. She needed to get through this alone.
She found a safe shelter under a large group of bushes. There was a small opening where Clarke could fit through. Between the bushes was enough space for her to sleep and she started to prepare the ground to make it a little more comfortable. She removed all the stones and twigs and put her backpack on the ground that she used as a pillow. It wasn't very soft, but it was better than sleeping with her head on the ground. She was too tired to eat so she lay down with her head on her pack and fell straight to sleep.
However, her nightmares made it impossible for her to really get some rest.
As every night, it started with the faces of the innocents of Mount Weather she had killed. But this night, her nightmare took a strange turn. She saw Lexa among the dead. Her usual armor was gone and she just wore a tight black pants and a black shirt. Her warpaint was also gone. Clarke was amazed by Lexa's beautiful, soft face, a face she had never seen before on the commander. She walked towards Lexa's body, the only one not covered with burns. She kneeled down and stretched out her hand towards Lexa's face to gently caress her both strong and soft jawline with her fingers when all of a sudden Lexa's eyes flew wide open, staring right into Clarke's. Her eyes were bright green like the forest on fire and she grasped for air. She grabbed Clarke by her jacket and continued to look in Clarke's eyes. Clarke wanted to jump back in fear, but Lexa's hold was too strong. Then burn wounds started to grow out of nothing and in mere seconds, her whole face and hands were covered with them. She started to scream in pain, like all the other people had done, a scared scream full of pain. "You did this Clarke! You murdered me!" Lexa yelled at her. Clarke could finally get out of Lexa's grasp and quickly stumbled to her feet, completely in shock at the pain and fear now in Lexa's eyes. "No... No I didn't do this! I didn't kill you!" she yelled back at Lexa, completely confused at the situation. She felt the urge to help Lexa rise from deep within her, but she couldn't keep her eyes off of her in shock. It didn't make any sense, why was Lexa here, why was she burning too and why the hell did she feel the urge to help her? She was the reason for all her pain and nightmares, she should feel content with what she saw, but her feelings weren't cooperating with her head. What was happening?
She heard a change in Lexa's voice as she spoke again. "You had to do it Clarke, I understand, You had to save your people, like I had to save mine. I would have done the same thing. I understand." she said softly and understanding, without any anger in her voice. She meant every word, the burns were still growing on her body, but she meant them. Clarke stood like frozen as she heard Lexa speak. She couldn't help but feel a little relief, like a tiny weight had just lifted her shoulders. Lexa took one last breath and died at Clarke's feet, her face peaceful. Clarke knelt down besides Lexa's lifeless body and whispered in her ear "Yu gonplei ste odon." and tenderly closed her eyes with a stroke of her fingers, a tear rolled down her eyes.
Clarke awoke with a start, she sat straight up and she heard her pounding heart in her ears, her heart was beating like crazy. She had been afraid at the sight of Lexa's dead body and she couldn't understand why. It was all she wanted from the moment Lexa walked away from her at the mountain with her warriors and her freed people, leaving her to die. The thought of killing Lexa was what kept her going, and now she finally saw it in front of her she felt afraid? What was wrong with her? She gave herself a slap in the face and said to herself "Get yourself together Clarke!". She shook of the nightmare, grabbed her backpack and left her hiding place. It was still dark, but it would be light soon and she decided it would be a good time to go for a hunt.
She found fresh rabbit tracks when she neared a small creek and she knelt down to examine them. They were very fresh. She quickly grabbed her knife from her belt and held it at the ready to throw it as soon as she saw her prey. Since it was her only weapon, Clarke taught herself to throw it with accuracy. It took a little while, but she figured out how to hold the knife properly and aim it. She got pretty good at hitting her targets. She soon located het target. The rabbit was washing itself near the creek bedding after a nice drink and never heard Clarke or the knife coming. Content with her kill, Clarke started skinning and gutting the animal and left the intestines for the other animals to enjoy. She took the skin with her, maybe she could make something out of it.
As she left the creek to find a place to lit a fire, she gathered some fine wood to start it with. After successfully doing so, she enjoyed her early breakfast, meanwhile thinking where she would go next. She really had no idea where she was, but she guessed she was far away from Trikru and Ice Nation territory. When she had left her people at the gate of camp Jaha, she had walked for days and days with hardly any stops just to get as much distance between her and the place of her demons.
Clarke decided to go west, to some ground she had never been before. She wanted to explore more of this new world and was hoping to stay out of the hands of the people who hunted Wanheda for her powers. She hoped she would come across some people who had never heard of the Trikru, Skaikru, Ice Nation or Wanheda and start over, but she had no clue as to how far the stories could reach. But on the other hand she wanted to stay, train herself and track down Lexa to put her knife at her throat. And there were also her people who she never intended to abandon. She was torn in so many ways that even the smallest decisions became huge puzzles. But for now, she would go west.
After a good few hours of walking, Clarke stopped at a river to collect some water, but was stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a woman with tinted skin and long brown hair dipping into the water. She also saw the tattoos on her arm and she immediately recognized her, Lexa. She got down on her knees to scan the area, but all sh could see besides Lexa was her white horse, who was eating the grass on the small shore. As she looked back at Lexa, she had a warm feeling deep inside of her, something she had never felt before. In her head, she heard the words Lexa said in her nightmare last night.
As Lexa swam in the water, she turned around towards Clarke, but she had no idea she was there. When Clarke saw her face, without the cold commander look and war paint, she saw how beautiful Lexa really was. Her jawline was strong and soft, her lips full and her eyes were green and tender, like a beautiful sunrise in the forest, she looked nothing like the commander that left her side at the mountain. Maybe in another universe, Clarke would be attracted to her, but she already pulled her knife from her belt. She hated her. For everything she had done to her. She wanted vengeance.
Lexa slowly rose from the water and Clarke quickly turned around, for Lexa was completely naked. Clarke felt a blush rise to her face when she realized that not just her face was beautiful, but everything about Lexa was. She growled angrily at herself. Focus Clarke! She told herself. She saw her chance when Lexa was getting dressed and she rose from her hiding place, quickly covering the space between her and the commander. Lexa heard footsteps and turned towards the sound when she saw the angry blonde sky girl lunge at her with a knife. She swiftly took a step sideways, evading de knife and caught Clarke before she could fall. Clarke let out a scream when she realized how easily Lexa evaded her attack. She was now also angry at herself for being so stupid to think it would be this easy to kill her. Lexa held Clarke, her back pressed firmly against her body as she mumbled "Clarke..?" Clarke turned her head to face Lexa and she saw the surprise and relief in the commanders face. Seeing that made Clarke even angrier. "Let me go!" she yelled. She started to fight Lexa's grip, but she knew it was pointless, Lexa was just too strong. "And let you kill me? I'd rather not." she said calmly. Clarke gave up the struggle and as soon as she did, she felt Lexa loosening the tension. Clarke now turned her whole body to face the commander. For a few seconds they both did or said nothing, they just stood there looking at each other. Luckily for Clarke, Lexa was fully dressed now. At a complete loss for words, Clarke asked the one thing that had been on her mind the whole time. "Why?" She looked at her with all the pain she felt mirrored in her eyes and she knew that Lexa saw it all, because she withdrew her eyes from Clarke and looked down at the ground. "I'm so sorry, Clarke." she said with a low voice full of regret. "I had to, I did it for my people. I got offered the chance to end it without more bloodshed and I took it. I had no choice." The whole time she kept her eyes to the ground, afraid to meet Clarke's eyes. "Fuck, Lexa! You left us there to die! You left me there to die! I trusted you and you went behind my back without even thinking about it! You betrayed me!" Clarke yelled now, anger filling her chest. She dropped her knife and now attempted to hit Lexa with her fists, trying to pound them at her chest in pure anger. Again, Lexa's strong arms hold her against her body and Clarke gave up her poor attempts to hurt the commander and allowed herself to cry for the first time since the mountain. She cried, completely surrendering herself to the grief and pain she had bottled up for so long and all Lexa did was hold her. "I never meant to hurt you Clarke and I definitely didn't do anything without thinking about it, I simply had no choice. I hope some day you can understand that. I'm sorry I hurt you..." Clarke heard the soft tone of pain in Lexa's voice for admitting the pain she caused her, and again she felt a little weight being lifted off her shoulders by Lexa's words. It was strange hearing the commander talk this way, she was usually very direct and emotionless when she spoke. But then she realized that this was not the commander of the twelve
clans , Heda kom Trikru speaking, this was Lexa, just Lexa.
Clarke felt her legs gave way and she sat down on the grass, still crying and amazed by what just happened. How did she do it? Lexa could literally disarm her with a few words, no matter how angry she was. "I killed them all Lexa, all the Mountain Men and innocent men and women and children. I killed them to get my people back. How could I do such a thing?" she muttered through her sobs. "We do what we must do to survive." She heard a change in Lexa's voice again and knew that she had shifted back to the commander. She looked up at her and found green eyes that were emotionless again. She heard Lexa say one last thing before everything went black. "I'm sorry."