Aftermath
When Alex had finally come to his senses and quit pummeling Deluca, the intern stood back pressing the back of his hand to his nose trying to staunch the flow of blood. He shook his head slowly clearing his mind and taking inventory of his injuries. Alex stood across from him glaring as he panted trying to catch his breath, gingerly opening and closing his hand. Jo had shrunk back in bed watching in horror as the scene unfolded before her. Her helpless screams for Alex to stop falling on deaf ears.
"You should go, now!" Alex commanded the younger doctor, jerking his head towards the door. Andrew flashed a concerned look to Jo unsure of what to do. "She'll be fine. I'll take care of her," Alex growled.
When Deluca hesitated again, Jo spoke up, "Just go, both of you," she glared between the two, "I'm fine; I'm home; I'm in bed, where I'll stay and sleep it off," she had sobered up considerably during the violent, one-sided altercation. "Andrew, thank you for seeing me home, now go get your face fixed, and Alex," she turned eyes flashing with anger on him, "get the hell outta here, calm down, and pray Andrew doesn't press charges." With that she flopped down in bed, instantly regretting the harsh movement, and pulled the covers up to her chin.
The intern immediately took her advice scurrying out the door. Alex hung back gaping at Jo dumbfounded. He came home to make things right with her only to find her drunk with Deluca and now she thought she was calling the shots, what gave her the right? "Jo what the…"
"Go, Alex!" she demanded not bothering to open her eyes, "We're not doing this tonight. I'm too drunk and you're too pissed." He opened his mouth to argue once again, but realized it was pointless; she was stubborn and had made up her mind, nothing was going to convince her otherwise, and that fact made him even madder. He wouldn't admit to himself that she was right.
Alex drove the dark wet streets aimlessly for hours before his tired eyes and throbbing hand prompted him to turn into Meredith's driveway and stalk up the walk to her front door. He rapped one time on the door with his uninjured hand before pushing it open and stepping in. Surprised, Meredith and Maggie looked up from where they were rehashing the wedding on the couch. "Alex?" Mer said with a raised eyebrow. He kept walking straight to the kitchen where he grabbed a beer from the fridge and collapsed onto a stool at the bar. He took a swig of the ice cold brew and then pressed the bottle to his bruised hand. "Alex, what's wrong with you? And what happened to your hand?" Mer stood in front of him arms crossed in front of her chest giving him a stern look.
Before he could form an answer, there was another knock on the door and Maggie led Andrew into the kitchen. "What are you doing here deluca?" Alex asked gruffly staring the younger man down, "You here to tell me you're pressing charges?"
"No, no I'm not," he shook his head, "But you should know that wasn't what it looked like."
Mer and Maggie looked on, shocked at Andrews bloody face. "What the hell happened tonight?" Maggie whispered to Meredith who shrugged shushing her.
"Dr. Edwards left her drunk and alone at the bar. She left me responsible for her, and Wilson told me she was fine and that I could go, but the way those drunks were leering at her I couldn't leave her. So I took her home, I just wanted to make sure she got home okay. And she wanted to go to bed; I was leaving, honest I was. She started taking her clothes off, and I was outta there… But then she started talking and.. well, you don't know the whole story.. her whole story. You should give her the benefit of the doubt, man. I just thought you should know that," Deluca's side of the story came out in a rush.
He turned to go, not waiting for a response, but Maggie called out, "Andrew wait." He looked back at her, shook his head, and kept walking.
Jo was propped in the corner of the couch, knees pulled up to her chin, staring blankly at the wall in front of her, a soggy crumpled tissue clutched tightly in her fist. She had been that way, unmoving, for how long had it been? Hours she guessed. She had woken that morning from a fitful sleep, downed aspirin and Gatorade, and stumbled to the couch. Her mind was racing with everything that had happened in the course of the past twenty-four hours. It was over; she had really and truly lost him, and although she had seen this day coming from the very beginning, she had started to hope that maybe this time it could be forever, maybe this was the one who could love her and stand by her forever. Alex loved her, seemingly unconditionally. She had almost convinced herself that would be enough. She needed something to dull the pain. She would give anything to not feel the gaping black hole where her heart had been, but alcohol certainly hadn't been the answer last night. What do you do when your heart has been ripped out of your chest? How do you continue to live, and breathe, and move? She'd never felt this way before and she was certain she wouldn't survive it. And she hated herself for feeling that way, hated herself for being that girl, and hated him for making her.
She didn't turn when she heard the door open and close. She wouldn't watch as Alex packed up all of his belongings further crushing her dreams of forever.
Alex's eyes flicked to the empty bed and then to the couch. Even in profile he could see the trace of tears on her face and her red swollen eyes. He ran his hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, pacing the small space by the door. Owen had convinced him the person you love deserved the benefit of the doubt and Deluca had said as much to him last night, had said he didn't know everything, but whose fault was that? He wasn't the one keeping secrets. He had laid it all on the line for this girl. Going against everything in him, despite everything his past had taught him about love, he bared his heart to her, and she had played him just like everyone else. He sank down on the end of the bed with a heavy sigh scrubbing his face with his hands. What was he doing here? He could only take so much rejection.
It was too quiet in the loft. The only sound Jo heard was the ticking of the clock and her own soft sniffles. She chanced a glance over her shoulder. What could Alex be doing? She didn't hear any evidence of him moving around collecting his stuff. What she saw would have broken her heart if it wasn't already torn to shreds. Alex sat on the bed shoulders slumped and head in his hands. He was hurting every bit as much as she was. Why? They loved each other; why did it have to end like this? Why did they have to hurt each other?
"Damn it, Alex, this is your fault," Jo spat out as fresh tears filled her eyes.
"My fault?" he slapped his hands down on his thighs and looked up eyes wide.
"Yeah, your fault. I told you all those years ago, in that supply closet during that storm. I told you I would mess it up, that I mess everything up. I told you not to say the words, but you said them, and you lived them, and I just kept falling, and I can't marry you, Alex, I want to, but I can't," she stood to face him wrapping her arms tightly around herself.
"I'm so tired of hearing you say that, Jo," he ground the words out, "You can marry me; you just won't, and you won't even give me a reason why."
They stared at each other eyes flashing. Jo took a shuddering breath, "I'm already married," her voice cracked.
Alex felt like he had been kicked in the stomach; he turned to leave on a humorless laugh. He'd been hurt before, but never anything like this. Four years, four years and she had been married the whole time never once giving any indication she wasn't available, never once caring to give him the truth. He truly was an idiot.
"Wait, Alex," she pleaded in a broken voice, "Please, just hear me out."
Against his will, he glanced back at her, and what he saw made him stop cold. She was clearly broken; her hand was pressed to her mouth, and her shoulders were shaking with silent sobs, and for reasons he couldn't fathom she looked terrified. How could he walk out when the woman he loved, no matter how hard he tried not to, looked like that? She was fragile and hurting and he couldn't turn his back on her; he couldn't ever turn his back on someone he loved.
He approached her cautiously and reached out slowly, gently taking her arm, "Let's go sit down," he led her back to the couch. "I'm listening."
She stared down at her hands unable to look up at him. After several minutes of soft crying, the whole story spilled out. How she had gotten married thinking she was in love and he was pulling her out of her crappy life, not into an even worse one, the powerful abusive ex-husband, her long planned out escape and name change. "So, that's you're reason. That's why I can't marry you. Legally I'm already married, and I can't ask for a divorce or he'll find me," she trembled, eyes wild with fear.
Alex became more and more agitated as he listened to the nightmare Jo had lived. His muscles tensed and he jumped up from the couch angrily pacing the room. His jaw was set firm, "I'm gonna kill him," he growled as his hands twitched opened and closed.
"Alex, stop!" she grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the couch rubbing soothing circles on his back. "It's over. He's already dead to me. I never wanted to live it again. That life is dead; it's over, and I never wanna go back. I don't wanna face him or that life again. That's not me anymore," she explained desperately, trying to calm him down.
He flopped back against the back of the couch blowing out a breath. "Four years, Jo, and you never told me."
"When I ran, when I changed my identity, I was advised to never tell anyone, so I didn't, not until last night. And I wish that had never happened, but you know I get loose lips when I'm drunk, and I was so upset. It just all came out. But that girl who I was back then, I'm not her. She doesn't exist anymore, and I don't want to go back to who I was. I can't."
"Four years, three proposals," he said again, "You told me to keep the damn ring…"
She slid off the couch to kneel in front of him staring deep into his eyes, pleading, "I'm sorry, Alex, I don't know what else to say. I am so, so sorry. I couldn't tell you no again. I couldn't watch your face crumble with hurt and disappointment again. And I want that. I want the ring, and the wedding, and the marriage, but I can't have it. But somewhere deep inside I've held this hope that maybe someday I could have it, so I told you to keep the ring."
Alex grunted running an agitated hand through his hair. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to believe her. He wanted to forget all about it. He wanted to rewrite her history. "I don't know where we go… Do I even know you?" he interrupted himself.
She flinched as if she had been physically slapped, "Alex," his name caught on a sob, "You do know me, of course you do." She stood up, regaining the confidence she felt that day years ago when she chose her new name and set off on her new life, "The woman standing before you is the real me. I am the same woman you met and fell in love with, nothing has changed. I am more me as Jo Wilson than I ever was before. Alex, you do know me."
Alex stayed silent, turning over and over in his mind all of the new information he was learning. Finally, he let out a defeated sigh and looked over to Jo where she had rejoined him on the couch, "So what does this mean for us? Where do we go from here?"
She met his gaze and replied earnestly, "I gave everything I had for this place for us. I've never had anything. Do you know what it took for me to give everything?" She searched his eyes, "No, it's not a piece of paper saying we're married, saying I love you, or am committed to you. It's so much more than that. I thought it would be enough for you," she added quietly. "I am giving you all of me." When he didn't say anything, she continued, "I'm offering it all to you, Alex. Everything…except marriage. I can't give you that. But everything else, it's yours. My heart, my future, all of me. If you still want it, it's all yours."
He heard the sincerity in her voice and it made him want to cave, but he had been hurt so many times before, and he promised himself this time was the last time. He had told himself he was done. "Jo…"
She watched the conflicting emotions play across his face, "I know," she stopped him, not ready yet to hear him say it was over, "It's a lot to take in, and you need time to process. I just ask you two things. If you choose to walk away, make it a clean break. My heart can't take anything less. And if you choose to stay, to work through this, don't shut me out. That's all I ask," she sank into the cushions exhausted, "The choice is yours. Just know, I am all in with you, if you'll have me."
Alex made no move to leave or to answer. They sat in silence tears glistening in both their eyes. Jo fought the urge to reach out to him. She had done all she could. Their future lay in his hands.