Episode 1: S.I
"Shenhua's Cliff"
::Shenhua stands on the cliffside under the beaming down sunset and resights her poem::
Shenhua: He shall
appear from a far eastern land across the sea...
Bird:(From tree
uptop) Funny how you always say that everyday and everytime you stand
on this cliff.
Shenhua: It brings me wisdom and hope my little
bird that one day the man from the east will appear.
Bird:
Uhhmmm... but excuse me, do you even know what this man looks like?
Shenhua: No.
Bird: Then why do you speak of him?
Shenhua:
I don't know. I guess I have no life and nothing better to do.
Bird:
Why don't you just fly to him?
Shenhua:(Shocked) F-Fly?
Bird:
Yeah! Fly! It's not so hard. That robe thing you wear is big enough
to spread out and give you some balance. All you have to do is jump
and move your arms.
Shenhua: YES! PERFECT! WHY HAVEN'T I DONE
THAT BEFORE?!?!
Bird:(Hitting himself on his forhead)
Geeelawweeee! I wonder?!
::Shenhua backs up::
Shenhua: Here I go...
::She starts running::
Shenhua: Hear I come!!!!!!!!!
::She jumps and starts moving her arms::
Bird:(To himself) Hehehe... this bitch is gonna die. (Raises his voice) THAT'S IT! MOVE THEM ARMS!!!
::Shenhua keeps flying::
Bird:(Blinking his eyes uncontrollably) What the
fuck? She's still in the air?
Shenhua:(Smiling) I CAN FLY!!!!
HERE I COME MY EASTERN BOY!!!!
Bird: What the hell was I smoking?
That bitch was suppose to fall and die.
::Bird picks up a walkie talkie::
Bird: Yes... we have a girl about a hundred and twenty pounds, 5'4, lookin' like a human and yelling 'Here I come Eastern Boy!' flying towards the east ready for take out. Ten four.
::All of a sudden, several missles fly towards Shenhua, exploding into her and blasting her out of the sky::
Bird: Hahahaha... slut!
::Shenhua falls from the sky with a huge trail of black smoke following behind her::
"Hazuki Residence 1979"
::Ryo sits on his roof and watches
the birds fly in the sky::
::He thinks drearily about things::
"Heaven"
::Ryo walks into God's Chamber and sees all the angels gathered around a television raving and cheering while playing Shenmue 3::
Angel: Hahahah! This
shit will never reach earth!
Angel: AMEN TO THAT!
"Hazuki Residence"
::Ryo snaps out of the trance by a sudden call from Iwao::
Iwao: Ryo-san! Get down here immediately!
::Ryo leans off the roof of his house, noticing how far up he was::
Ryo-san: Wait... how the hell did I get up here?
"Inside of Residence"
::Ryo runs
inside and into Iwao's Room::
::He was nowhere to be found::
Ryo-san: Dad?
Iwao:(From the bathroom) In here SON!
::Ryo flees to the bathroom and notices his father taking a massive shit, gripping onto the toilet, legs up in the air, and face turning beat red::
Ryo-san:(Wrinkling his noise from the
horrid smell) Dad? Why did you call me?
Iwao: Im trying to shit
out these two mirro- I-I meant to say objects.
Ryo-san: Ohhhh,
from your trip to China?
Iwao: Exactly! (Heavy breathes) And I
just need for you to not be alarmed when I just yell out random
things like...
::Iwao pushes::
Iwao: FUCKING
DICKFACE COCKSUCKER MOTHER FUCKING DONKEY TWINKIE PUSHING ICING
BITCH!!!!
Ryo-san: Ummm... sure dad. I got it.
Iwao: Thanks
son. Now go outside, your Dojo Friends should be arriving any minute.
::Ryo waits outside::
Iwao: FUCK!
::Ryo waits::
Iwao: OH GOD I RIPPED MY SHIT!
::Ryo taps his feet::
Iwao: OH LARRY KING FUCKING THE PORES ON THE MOON!!!
::Thirty minutes later, Iwao walks outside::
::A group of
Ryo's friends were standing around him just staring at him::
::Iwao
wipes the sweat from his face and smiles::
Iwao: Damn. Kids, do me a favor. Never shove something over five inches up your ass. The exit will NOT be pleasant.
"One Day Earlier"
::The cops arrive at Ryo's House::
::Iwao answers the
door::
Iwao: Hello officers. What can I do for you?
::The officers flash him with a Search Warrant::
Officers: We
believe there are two artifacts hidden in this house that were
illegally smuggled into this country. I believe they are called The
Pheonix and Dragon Mirror?
Iwao: Hahahaha.. nonsense! I would
never think of such a thing.
::The cops burst into the house,
past Iwao and into the kitchen, tearing down everything out of the
cabinets::
::Iwao runs into his room and pulls out a white bag
labeled "Tic Tacs. They Don't Work Motherfuckers!" and
pulls out the two mirrors::
::Suddenly Iwao hears the two cops
heading towards his room::
Iwao:(Silently) S-Shit. What am I gonna do?
"One Minute Later"
::The
cops barge into Iwao's Room::
::Iwao is sitting uncomfortably on
his bed, moving back and forth with his face beat red::
Iwao: Howdy guys! Find anything?
::The cops look at Iwao
supiciously::
::Suddenly Iwao cuts a fart::
Iwao: Owch... that one hurt.
::Suddenly he cuts another one::
::The
cops toss their shirts over their noses::
Iwao: Good lord.
Must of been what I ate for lunch. Geez!
Officers: Sir! Where are
they?!
::Quickly, Iwao stands to his feet then his stomach
starts growling ravenously::
::The cops stand back, staring
scarcely at his belly::
Iwao:(His face bubbling) OHHH SHHHIIITTT!!!!
::He pulls down his pants and starts shitting out green gas::
Iwao:(Eyes rolling in the back of his head) Ohhhhhh fuck! That feels good!
::He turns towards the cops and suddenly green pellets start flying out of his ass, hitting the cops in the head and scaring them out of the room::
Officers: He's got green bullets for his shit!
::The cops run out of the house::
Iwao: ... AND DON'T COME BACK!!!!
::Suddenly Iwao hears and feels something coming up his chest towards his mouth::
Iwao: OHHHH FUCK!!!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Stick around for Episode 2! ShenmueIrony 2.