Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon a Time or Jerry Springer, or any recognizable characters.
AN: So I got this prompt a while back from Eternal Optimist, and I thought it was absolutely hilarious. As the summary says, Henry's family tree appears on Jerry Springer, a special segment filmed exclusively in Storybrooke as Jerry tries to weed out their family ties and solve some of their problems. This will most likely be crack and there will probably be instances of out of characterness, but I will try my best to contain that. It's not as wild as Springer gets and there is a Maury-esque scene at the end. This is set a year or so after Neverland. I totally had a hoot writing this, but let me know if I should stay away from crack! Thank you for the prompt and I hope you enjoy it!
It was an exciting day for Storybrooke's residents. For as long as they could remember, they had been cooped up in this small town living the same day every day until Emma came into town. Now that the curse was broken and all threats were taken care of, they were bored out of their minds finding their fun in gossiping about Storybrooke's royals. The Charming family were legendary in the Enchanted Forest, but here, where they were bonded to none other than the Evil Queen and Rumpelstiltskin, well, their lives gave Brangelina a run for their money.
Now a lucky group of residents stood in the studio audience chanting - Jerry! Jerry! - to the deep bass of intro music as smoke filled the room and vibrant lights pulsed to the beat of the music. Finally Jerry Springer slid down the fireman's pole off to the side of the room as he made his way to the center of the stage encouraging the audience's cheers. As the music quieted and the smoke cleared, Jerry held up a hand signalling the audience to sit.
"All right, we're here for a very special segment of Jerry Springer today on what we like to call I'm My Own Grandpa! We have Henry Mills here today," Jerry began as he walked over to Henry who sat in the front row beside Ruby and knelt down in front of the thirteen-year old. "So Henry, you called us in to your town here today to introduce us to your family. What exactly makes your family unique and why did you want to call us?"
Henry rolled a shoulder. "Maury wouldn't take us on." The audience, Jerry included, let out a laugh. "My family, they have a tendency of trying to kill each other."
"Now when you say kill, you mean like threats and jokes right?"
Henry shook his head. "My mom's been plotting my grandma's death since Grams was 12, and she tried to poison my other mom but ended up poisoning me by accident. My other grandpa once turned this guy into a snail and stepped on him, and another time he and his girlfriend put this guy in the hospital for hooking up with grandpa's girlfriend."
Jerry looked to the audience confused. "Turned him into a snail?"
"Just go with it," Henry dismissed.
Jerry shrugged and clasped a hand on Henry's shoulder. "I think I speak for everyone here when I say I am excited to meet your family. We're going to have to ask you to go to the back for things might get a little violent as they tend to do on this show."
With a nod Henry was escorted to the back by two bouncers and Jerry took center stage again. "First we have Emma Swan, an ex-bounty hunter and Regina Mills, a psychopathic queen. I don't make judgments I just read the cards. Let's bring out Regina and Emma!"
A mixture of cheers and boos sounded as Emma and Regina came out from the back, Regina with an aggravated and deadly look on her face as Emma trailed behind her looking as if she was trying to reason with the brunette. Regina bypassed Jerry entirely and magicked the furthest chair away from the rest as she sat down hard with her arms crossed around her chest.
Jerry paused watching the chair move by itself, but as he looked toward the audience, Ruby shrugged. "Go with it."
"Are you really acting like this right now?" Emma asked exasperated as she took the chair closest to Regina's, turning her body to face the brunette. "We are on TV."
"And who's fault is that, Ms. Swan?" Regina settled Emma with a glare.
"Oh it's Ms. Swan now? Why is it always Ms. Swan when you're pissed?"
"Why must you constantly infuriate me off?"
"What did I do now?" Emma questioned leaning back with her own arms crossed.
"You know very well what you did." Regina's tone was deadly.
"No," Emma spat. "I should be the one that's mad at you."
Jerry cleared his throat. "Marital spat?"
"No!" Both women yelled out silencing the host, but it did nothing to keep the crowd quiet as they shouted Jerry! Jerry!
The chanting shook him out of his momentary paralysis as he made his way toward the women, standing off to the side of the stage to face both the women and the audience. He looked down to his question cards and opened his mouth to speak before catching Emma's eye. "Weren't you one of my bouncers?"
The blonde snapped her jaw shut and shrugged noncommittally before throwing a glare at Regina who snorted unsurprised.
Jerry shook his head and proceeded again. "So you two are together?"
"Hell no," Emma denied immediately. "She's such a bitch."
"And you are an immature child," Regina countered.
"You know what, go ahead and call me that because kids are meant to be immature."
"My son is not."
"Our son put our entire family on national television."
"Do not loop me in with your idiotic parents."
"Stop calling my parents idiots."
"Maybe if they weren't then Henry wouldn't have thought it necessary to have called this pathetic little man."
"Hey!" Jerry yelled offended.
Emma ignored him and continued focusing on Regina. "Well he gets his dramatics from you."
"The only thing he got from you is genetics."
The crowd oohed, some cheering Regina on, a smug smirk on her face, while others booed her for the low blow before they broke out into another chant of Jerry! Jerry!
He quieted the crowd before walking toward Regina and Emma and handing his mic to the two of them. "We've got some audience questions for you two. Where's the blue mic?"
Dr. Whale stood up in the middle of the audience holding up the blue mic before nodding to Regina and Emma. "Hey Jerry, love the show. Emma, Your Majesty, as you know I'm a doctor, and it's in my expert opinion that when two people are as stressed as you two and exhibit that much sexual tension they should do something about it."
Regina and Emma looked at each other warily.
Ruby stood holding up the red mic. "He means you two need to get laid. With each other."
Regina rolled her eyes and thrust the mic into Emma's arms as the blonde just glared at her friend. Jerry retrieved the mic from Emma and looked down to his question cards again and grinned. "So from what I hear you two are like this all the time. What's this I hear about your parents, Emma? It's Regina who has the problem with them, is it not?"
"Oh yeah," Emma snorted with a satisfied grin, leaning back in her chair daring Regina to deny that.
"Oh do not pin your parents all on me. You are the one complaining that your parents grounded you last month. You are over thirty, Ms. Swan." Regina cast Emma an amused condescending glare.
Emma's eyes bulged out of her eyes as the crowd laughed at Regina's confession. "That wasn't entirely my fault, and you're the one that tried to kill my mother, who was just a child and your stepdaughter, just because you thought she was prettier than you."
It was Regina's turn for her eyes to bulge out of their sockets. "Do not get your facts from Walt Disney."
Emma stood up closing the gap between herself and Regina as the brunette remained seated looking up at Emma with a bored expression on her face. Emma's hand was on her hip as she pointed a menacing finger at Regina. "Did you ever stop to think, Madam Mayor, that maybe we didn't think it wise for you to see Henry as often in the past because you have a tendency of putting children in harm's way?"
Jerry couldn't stop Regina when she launched to her feet and socked Emma right in the jaw, making the blonde tumble to the ground. The crowd whooped and hollered, the excitement of seeing Regina absolutely lose control was something they rarely got to see, and they were soaking it in just as the security came to separate them. Emma didn't put up a fight and stayed behind the human mountain that was the security guard as she examined her jaw while the other lifted Regina up onto his shoulder as she flailed and tried to get at Emma.
"How dare you say something like that?!" Regina screeched, using her arm span to smack Emma on the side of her temple.
The guard holding Regina put more distance between Emma and Regina's long arms before setting her down, holding her firm by the shoulders. Emma nodded her head when her guard examined her bruising jaw and decided she was fine before moving away. Regina glared petulantly at hers as she sat down hard, turning her back to Emma who clenched her teeth at the cold shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm not sure if I heard this right," Jerry began when the crowd quieted, "but Emma's mother is your stepdaughter?"
Regina rolled her eyes. "Not anymore."
"And you tried to kill her?"
Regina shrugged noncommittally, a smirk toying on her lips.
"Well then let's bring her out. Snow White and Prince Charming, everybody!"
The audience rose to their feet as they clapped and cheered at the royal couple's entrance. Snow and David waved with beaming smiles on their faces, but as soon as Snow made eye contact with Regina, her face turned into a grimace. They sat on the other side of Emma, Regina still sectioned off away from the other chairs as Jerry came to sit beside David to face the newly arrived guests.
"Now when I say Snow White and Prince Charming, are you actually-"
"Yes." Snow and David nodded in unison.
Jerry turned toward Emma. "So you're Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter?"
Emma nodded rather reluctantly.
Jerry laughed shaking his head at the absurdity before turning toward David. "You don't have a thing on the side with Cinderella, do you?"
David laughed jovially wrapping an arm around Snow's shoulders. "No, Ella and Thomas are happily married with their own little girl."
Jerry looked completely baffled, but the unconcerned faces of his guests and the crowd had him shrug. "I've heard stranger things. So first things first, why do you look the same age as your daughter?"
The Charmings looked disdainfully toward Regina. "Why don't you ask her?"
"Regina?" Jerry called, standing to face her. "Care to field that one?"
Regina crossed her arms. "I'm not going to apologizing for adding thirty years to your lifespan, and I certainly will not apologize for Henry's existence."
"You cursed us!" Snow yelled
The older brunette waved her hand dismissing the trivial fact.
"So if I have this right, you're Snow White," Jerry said pointing to Snow before turning back to Regina, "and that makes you the evil mother."
"We're not related," Regina insisted.
"Regina married my father."
"Not willingly."
"She also killed him," Snow pointed out as the crowd booed Regina.
"Technically it was the genie." She waved another dismissive hand.
"Hey!" Sydney's voice rang over the boos but it went ignored.
"You probably manipulated him into doing it," David added, backing up his wife.
Regina stood and rounded on the Charming couple, pointing a finger right in Snow's face as Emma sat staring back and forth from her parents to Regina. "You killed Daniel!"
"Your mother killed Daniel!" Snow stood standing nose to nose with Regina yelling back just as fiercely.
"You killed my mother!"
"If we're going by technicalities then you killed your mother!"
It took less than a second for a bright red fireball to appear in Regina's palm, matching the fire that was in her eyes. The security guards, who thought working on this show had them see everything, froze in their places as Regina flung back the ball. Before she could release it, Emma was up and placing herself between the two feuding brunettes, her hands on Regina's shoulders and she gently pushed Regina back a few feet putting distance between them. Regina's deadly gaze was focused solely on Snow, but as soon as Emma whispered something into her ear, she begrudgingly put out the fireball though her shoulders remained tense and her eyes stayed dark.
She sat down, making no comment when Emma moved her chair closer to Regina's, only to be the mediator of course, as the crowd's excitement dialed down and the guests were back in their chairs.
"I always knew it got hot and wild in here, but that was something else," Jerry commented. He turned toward Emma and Regina. "So let me get this straight. Emma, you're Henry's mother-"
"Birth mother," Regina corrected earning her an eye roll from Emma.
"Birth mother," Jerry corrected then turned to Regina. "And you're his adopted mother."
"Yeah," Emma answered while Regina gave a small nod.
"And you're sure you're not together?" Jerry implored with a mischievous grin. When he saw Regina's hand twitched he immediately backed off and turned toward Snow. "So Snow White, what's it like having an evil stepmother?"
"I am not her stepmother," Regina insisted.
"Why do you always say that?" Snow asked genuinely hurt.
"When have you ever treated me as anything more than a babysitter, even with my own child?" Regina countered back taking the small victory at Snow's contemplative face.
"So Regina," Jerry interrupted. "Wouldn't that make you Henry's step great grandmother? Technically."
Regina ground her teeth as Emma snorted in laughter at his conclusion.
"And that would make you Emma's step grandmother," Jerry continued, pressing the corner of the question cards to his chin in quick thought. "...and you're sure you're not sleeping with each other?"
Regina and Emma shifted under his constant questioning as Snow looked faint while David looked disgusted.
"This family is fucked up," Jerry decided as he faced the audience, nodding their agreement. He pointed out to the balding man in the back who held the blue mic.
Albert Spencer stood with a wicked grin on his face. "David. How does your wife feel knowing that you were married to another woman for nearly thirty years?"
"Married?" Jerry turned suddenly to David.
"Hey, we were cursed!" Charming glared at Spencer who simply sat back down, satisfied with aggravating the shepherd-prince.
Jerry turned back toward the guests with a sigh. "I don't want to know, do I?" He was met with shakes of their heads before he continued. "Anymore relatives I need to know about? Crazy uncle? Long lost brother?"
Everyone on stage looked at Emma who rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair holding back a groan. "There's Henry's dad's side..."
Jerry smirked. "Lucky for you I also have them waiting in the back. Let's welcome Neal Cassidy, Rumpelstiltskin and Belle!"
Neal came running out first, pumping his fists in the air like some boxer as the audience cheered. As soon as Gold came out, Belle latched firmly on his arm, their cheers immediately turned to boos with only Ruby clapping, hooting Belle's name.
Snow and David shifted over a seat to leave an empty chair for Neal to sit beside Emma, but the blonde groaned, unconsciously moving her chair closer to Regina's in her efforts to put distance between herself and her ex while Rumple and Belle sat on the other side of the Charming couple. The look of the 'in-laws' was quite the comical sight as Snow and Charming tried their best to look good in an awkward situation, Gold with his arm around Belle possessively muttering curses (real profanity) under his breath, while Belle grinned and waved to the audience.
"First, Rumple- Mr. Gold, can I just say," Jerry said motioning to Belle. "Wow. Good catch."
Rumple couldn't contain his smirk, but it was Neal's disgruntled scoff that pulled it away and drew Jerry's attention. "What's wrong, Neal? Since Emma isn't admitting to sleeping with Regina yet, why aren't you two together?"
"He put me in jail," Emma answered for him. "And I was pregnant."
A collective ooh rang out from the audience before they began booing Neal.
"Hey!" Neal yelled out offended to the crowd. "I had to!"
Jerry paused his rant and motioned toward the audience where Granny stood holding the red mic. "Honey, you're sweet and all, but if you really loved Emma you would have stayed with her no matter what. Destiny or no destiny, that poor girl needed you and you left her high and dry to pay for your crimes."
The audience cheered Granny on as she handed the mic back to the moderator. Neal slouched back in his chair as Emma clapped with the audience. No one noticed the smirk on Regina's face.
August stood up, the blue mic clutched in his grasp, as he shook his head. "You did the right thing, Neal. Emma needed to break the curse and she needed to do that on her own."
Emma stood up walking to the edge of the stage to face August. "You think I wouldn't have been able to do that without going to jail?"
"You couldn't even do that when I blatantly told you your son was telling you the truth!"
The frustration of the past half hour welled up inside Emma and before she could stop herself she advanced toward the crowd. "I'm gonna kick your wooden ass, Pinocchio!"
The crowd went wild, some cheering her on while others tried to shield August, but before Emma could even get her foot on the stairs up the studio bleachers, a security guard wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her kicking and screaming back to her chair. It was only thanks to Regina's intervening magic that Emma had calmed and sat down with a petulant glare toward Neal. "There is no way in hell I am getting back together with you."
"People change, Emma," Snow said softly. "You need to give people a chance."
Emma scoffed. "Regina changed, and I don't see you pushing us together."
Jerry raised his eyebrows toward the cameras smirking at the implication. He turned back to the guests and motioned to Rumple. "Let's talk about Neal's side of the family. Please tell me you guys aren't second cousins or Belle is really Neal's sister."
Neal snorted and leaned forward on his knees. "She might as well be. I'm over five years older than her."
"Try almost three hundred," Emma corrected.
"Hey, Regina's sixty, okay?" Neal defended.
"That's still not three hundred years old. God, Neal, you tell a girl that before you sleep with them."
Neal waved his hand dismissing Emma before turning his body to gesture at his father. "You don't even listen to me. You say you care about me-"
"I do, Bae."
"And that you've searched everywhere for me, but when I'm right here, you're off screwing your girlfriend." The crowd groaned at the mental image, but Jerry saluted Rumple like he was a god. "I swear, I saw her chatting up Ruby just last week."
"Ruby?" Jerry asked. "Let me guess. This is your aunt or something?"
"No," Emma answered and motioned toward the front row where Ruby sat trying to hold in a blush, but the questioning look she received from Granny and the pink tint colouring Belle's cheeks was enough to give them away. "She's my godmother."
"Of course she is," Jerry said unsurprised.
"Is that true?" Gold questioned Belle who refused to make eye contact.
Regina laughed lightly and leaned as far forward as she could to catch Belle's attention. "I'd run out as soon as I could, dear. Everything he touches turns black and evil."
"Like your mother?" Snow muttered under her breath none too subtly.
Regina growled and stood, but immediately Emma was up on her feet with her hands on her shoulders keeping them separated. "That was a long time ago."
Emma paused upon hearing the news and turned toward Rumple with a horrified look on her face. "You slept with Cora?"
"What?" Belle shrieked and smacked Gold's arm with the back of her hand. "She kidnapped me!"
"She killed my mother," Snow added. "And my nanny."
"She supposedly killed me," Archie piped up from the front row.
Jerry paced in front of the mismatched family on stage as Emma finally got Regina to sit down. "So Cora, Regina's mom, slept with Rumple. What I'm hearing is that Regina and Neal are probably siblings, am I right?"
"I do not share genetics with that insufferable oaf," Regina denied disgusted.
"Well I share genetics with Henry, so he must be an oaf too," Neal countered.
Emma smirked at his logic, but Regina grumbled finding no adequate response that didn't involve magic.
Jerry stood on the side of the stage by Regina's end, his lips quirking upward in realization. "Given that you are Gold's daughter, not only would that make you Neal's half sister, but that would make you Henry's aunt, step great grandmother and adopted mother."
Regina ground her teeth at his conclusion, but Jerry continued as a video of Henry sitting in the backroom watching cartoons filled the giant screen behind them. "And Henry, god bless him, is Snow's step brother, Emma's step uncle, Charming's step brother in law and one seriously messed up kid. Maybe you guys should have gone on Dr. Phil instead." The audience laughed along with Jerry. "Am I missing anyone?"
The guests on stage were quiet before Snow piped up with a finger in the air. "David has an evil twin."
Emma palmed her face at her mother's addition before Jerry turned to the audience. "Well I think now is as good as ever for a commercial break."
By the time they returned it was only Emma, Regina, Snow, and Charming left on stage. Neal's side, as Jerry had put it, would have to wait for another day. The program was only an hour long after all. Jerry forced the chairs closer together with him sitting adjacent the four guests. It didn't go unnoticed that Emma and Regina's chairs were significantly further away from Snow and David's.
"Let's get to the meat of the problem here," Jerry began before looking at Snow. "The curse."
"Well if it wasn't for the curse we would have been able to raise Emma like we were supposed to," David answered for his wife.
Emma sighed dramatically, her hands gesturing wildly as she looked at her parents. "Look you made your choice to give me away and I'm over it. We wouldn't have had Henry and I'm good with that result. I'm just sick and tired of you two trying to catch up on parenting with me. I'm 30. Not 15. I don't have a curfew, and if I want to eat ice cream in the mornings and cereal for dinner I damn well will."
"Those aren't healthy..." Snow began.
"I'm grown." Emma insisted before crossing her arms again. "Plus you meddle in my love life."
"It's not a crime that your parents want to know who you're sneaking out to see in the middle of the night," David argued.
Emma glared petulantly and stared straight ahead past Jerry. "Well it doesn't even matter because that person is a cheating bitch."
"I did not cheat on you!" Though it should have been unsurprising that Regina's voice had rang out, the quiet that settled in the studio was eerie from all the yelling previous. The only people who didn't notice were Emma and Regina.
Emma turned in her chair to directly face Regina, mimicking the brunette's position. Both of their faces were angry and upon closer inspection, their eyes shone with hurt. "Well you're pregnant and I don't have a dick!"
The audiences oohed and gasped while Snow looked like she was going to faint.
"I haven't been with anyone else!"
They were nose to nose with one another, both seething and breathing out roughly through clenched teeth and both refused to back down.
Jerry coughed and motioned for a person from his crew to hand him a large manila envelope. "Well, I can't say that was surprising."
Regina was the first to pull away, or rather push Emma back, and look around wide eyed at their admission. She covered her mouth with her palm while Emma hid her head in her hands entirely, ignoring the shocked look on both of her parents' faces.
Jerry tore open the envelope to peer inside. "We caught wind of this development before the start of the show, and since today is a special episode, we figured why the hell not? Emma, we gave Regina's baby a paternity test and we have the results right here."
Emma kept her face hidden and only revealed her eyes. The rest of the studio was dead quiet as Jerry pulled out the paper. His eyes roved over it quickly before shaking his head in disbelief. "Emma, in the case of Regina's four month old fetus, you are the mother."
Regina stood abruptly pushing a finger into Emma's arm. "I told you, Ms. Swan."
Emma stood as well and before Regina could comprehend it, pulled the older woman into a deep kiss not meant for anyone's parents to see. The crowd hollered as Snow hid her face into David's chest.
By the time Regina and Emma broke apart, Emma clutching Regina's face between her palms and murmuring her apologies before kissing her again, Henry had raced out of the back and hugged both his mothers, shaking them out of their embrace.
Jerry shook his head and placed a hand on Henry's shoulder. "Looks like you're going to be a big brother and great uncle to the baby, Henry."