Title: Pull the Switch Inside My Head
Author: diana_lucifera
Pairing: Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren | Ben Solo
Summary: On Jakku, Kylo Ren looked into his soulmate's eyes for the first time and his world went into color. Two years later, he's living a lackluster existence as a prisoner on the Resistance base, and Poe Dameron still hasn't seen his face. If Kylo has anything to do with it, he never will. But when the two are sent on a mission to an ancient Jedi temple, Kylo is forced to face the mistakes of his past and choose his future - and whether Poe will be part of it.
Warnings: Mental Health Issues, Slow Burnish, Plot Heavy
Notes: As a note, aside from the whole soulmates thing, the events of the film happened in exactly the same way. The title is from "Colors" by Grouplove. Inspired by a soulmate AUs post by poefinnrey on Tumblr. If you're looking for me on Tumblr, I'm trashsonkylo!
A long time ago, someone had painted the chrome ceiling of the Resistance base's medbay a soft blue, but it had long since begun to crack and flake away. Spots of gray blotted the ceiling like gathering storm clouds. Kylo lay on his back and traced the familiar patterns to distract himself as the hypo injected force suppressant serum into his arm with a sharp hiss.
He stifled a shudder at the sensation of ice-cold liquid slinking through his veins. Even after seven months of injections, he still wasn't used to the feeling. The effects began almost instantaneously. He pinched his eyes shut as a spike of pain lanced through his mind. His body felt heavy, that prickling, staticky feeling returning to his limbs. The pain in his head settled into its usual low, constant pounding.
"Procedure complete," the medi-droid announced.
Kylo sat up on the exam table, and the droid stepped backward with a distressed whir at the sudden movement. Kylo glowered at it as he rubbed at his sore arm.
"Your discomfort is temporary," the droid said. It took a further step back. "Please remain calm."
Kylo growled. He kicked the wall next to the med-droid and felt far too satisfied when it made a high-pitched, bleating noise of alarm before it wheeled around and fled the room.
Doctor D'Paht came through the door almost immediately, a smile on her crimson face. "Harassing my droids again, Mr. Solo?" the Zeltron asked pleasantly, holding up her datapad, which showed Kylo's picture overlaid with the words "PATIENT HOSTILE" in blinking red letters.
"They're prejudiced against me." Kylo crossed his arms in a mock display of petulance.
D'Paht chuckled. "Can you blame them?" she asked. She swiped a finger across the pad to banish the alert. "Droids have memories, too."
"It was one time," Kylo protested. He didn't think it was fair to even blame him for that. The medi-droid incident had been a long time ago, after he'd betrayed Supreme Leader Snoke and been dragged bleeding and bruised to the Resistance base and thrust into a cell. "If you were in my position, you wouldn't have responded any better to being injected with who knows what."
Honestly, Kylo thought, they were lucky he'd only ripped apart the droid and not the terrified junior doctor accompanying it.
He quickly banished that thought from his mind, grateful that D'Paht's limited telepathic abilities weren't strong enough to catch him mentally justifying dismemberment. One of the reasons Kylo liked her was that, unlike most of the people he interacted with, she wasn't afraid of him. Or at least, if she was, she didn't show it.
D'Paht sat down across from him, winding her blood red hair into an efficient bun. That was another reason Kylo liked her. Every bit of D'Paht, from her skin to her hair to her eyes, was red. It was a ridiculous reason, but even after two years of seeing colors, something about that particular one still made him unexplainably happy.
"Well, no matter what your reasons were for what you did," the doctor said, "it will take a long time to earn that trust back. I know that's frustrating, but it is reality."
Kylo frowned. He had the distinct feeling that they weren't talking about the droids anymore. He reached out instinctively to touch her mind, forgetting the serum for a moment. He flinched at the swooping sensation in his stomach as he came up short, like he'd missed a step coming down the stairs.
D'Paht's eyebrows drew together. "I wanted to ask you how you were doing."
Internally, Kylo cringed. "I'm fine." He moved to stand. "Now, if we're done here—"
"Ben," she exhaled.
Kylo grimaced. He wished people would stop calling him that, and he really wished they'd stop sounding like that when they said it. The table gave a papery crunch as he sunk back down. "I'm fine."
D'Paht leaned forward, folding her hands together. "Doctor Jaxx says you haven't been going to your psych evals."
Kylo's eyes darted down to examine his knotted fingers before his training kicked in. Head up. Don't show weakness. He raised his chin. "I've been busy."
"You've been busy," she repeated. "For…" She swiped a finger across her datapad and whistled. "Three and a half weeks?"
Kylo didn't answer.
"What have you been busy doing?" she asked, not unkindly.
He shrugged. Training. Pacing. Waiting for orders that will never come.
D'Paht sighed. "Ben, the the amount of freedom you're given on this base is conditional on your compliance with this routine."
Kylo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Freedom was certainly an interesting way of putting being help captive in the old, underground bunker the Resistance called its temporary home. Still, he supposed it was better than the cell. At the very least, he had more leg room.
"I know that," he bit out. "Look, I'm here, aren't I? I'm getting the shots. I'm taking those pills Jaxx insists on giving me. Does it really matter if I don't go in twice a standard week to talk on my feelings?"
"You already know that answer to that. You've admitted that you have problems regulating your emotions, and when those feelings get out of control, you tend to—"
"Murder people?" Kylo suggested acerbically.
"—lash out," D'Paht finished. "Look, I'm aware that I'm the wrong kind of doctor to be having this discussion with you. I just wish you would talk to someone. It doesn't have to be Doctor Jaxx. It could be a friend."
Kylo gave her an incredulous look. "You seem to have forgotten who you're talking to."
D'Paht gave a noncommittal hum. She hesitated for a moment. "What about your soulmate? Have you been able to contact them?"
"No," Kylo snapped. "I've told you, I don't want to talk about that."
It wasn't that Kylo didn't understand her concern. Once a person saw their soulmate, the bond formed instantly. It was more than just a connection. It was a need, an almost physical pull. Most people couldn't stand to be away from their soulmates for a week, much less months on end.
Of course, Kylo was not "most people." Most people wouldn't meet their soulmate and then almost immediately torture them for information. They certainly wouldn't spend two years suffering through a one-sided bond when their soulmate was not - as Kylo had led D'Paht to believe - on some distant planet, but right here on this very base.
Hell, he definitely wasn't going to tell D'Paht that. Then she'd really never leave him alone.
"There must be someone you can talk to."
Kylo looked away, wearing at the skin on the inside of his lip. There wasn't, really. Not anymore. Not since Supreme Leader Snoke had unceremoniously broken their mental connection and left Kylo floundering and lost in a sea of chaos. Not since a combination of force suppressants and pills had left him cut off and hollowed out.
For the first time in his life, the only voice in Kylo's head was his own. For a long time, he hadn't even been sure which voice belonged to him. Now he knew, and the answer was disappointing. None of the voices who knew what to do had stayed behind when the Supreme Leader left.
That was why he hated talking about his feelings. There was no good way to say 'I miss the voices in my head.'
He blew out a noisy breath. "Doctor, no matter how 'unstable' Jaxx keeps calling me, I can promise you that I'm not three and a half weeks away from slaughtering you all in your sleep."
D'Paht smiled. "That's reassuring to hear, but it isn't what I'm worried about. I'm worried about what I feel when I talk to you."
He scowled. "Which is?"
"Fear," she answered. "Fear, anger, and a deep, deep sadness."
Kylo leaned forward. "That's my personality you're sensing," he said archly. "If you get rid of all that, I might as well be one of your droids."
Of course, that's what most of the Resistance would prefer him to be, Kylo thought bitterly. A droid that could be switched on when they needed information about the First Order or Supreme Leader Snoke and then shoved in a closet when they were done with him. Things would be easier for everyone that way.
D'Paht reached out and took his hand into her own. "I think there's more to you than you know."
Kylo raised his eyebrows. "I assure you, I know myself very well." That's the problem.
She shook her head. "You—"
Kylo's comlink chirped. He retracted his hand quickly and checked the display, suppressing a sigh of relief.
"They need me in the briefing room." He stood and snatched up his helmet, then shoved his hair out of his face and slid the mask on with a mechanical hiss.
Doctor D'Paht watched him with pinched lips, but she didn't bother to say anything about the helmet. Even his mother had given up trying to convince him not to wear it.
Ultimately, they were both right. If Kylo stopped wearing the mask, things would certainly go more smoothly between him and the Resistance fighters on the base. Even with the scar the scavenger had given him, his face was far from the frightening, emotionless visage of the mask. That's why Kylo had started wearing it in the first place.
Now, he wore it for a different reason. The mask had aways been a barrier between Kylo and the rest of the world, but now, more importantly, it was a barrier between Kylo and Poe Dameron.
"Doctor D'Paht." Kylo gave the Zeltron a polite nod.
She smiled tightly. "I'll see you next week, Ben."
He left the medbay in long, heavy strides, rolling his shoulders back as if he could shake off the experience. There was a sick feeling in the pit of his gut that could have equally been a side effect of the injection or the conversation. He banished the doctor and her questions from his mind and cast his thoughts toward the debriefing room at the end of the gray, viewportless hallway.
They'd been calling him in more and more lately. The leaders of the Resistance liked to keep Kylo in the dark, so he wasn't sure if that meant they were winning their war against the First Order or growing more desperate. Neither thought particularly thrilled him.
As he neared the large doors to the debriefing room, he heard voices approaching from around the corner. A loud, hearty laugh, one Kylo recognized instantly, caught his attention. Heart pounding, he fumbled with the clasps of his mask. It was as tightly secured as always. He dropped his hands and clenched them into fists to keep from fidgeting as Poe Dameron's squadron turned the corner.
Poe's smile vanished the second he saw Kylo. His eyes went wide for a fraction of a second, his jaw set tight, before he forced the tension from his body. He tucked his hands casually in his jacket pockets, his mouth fixed in a sort of hard smirk, an expression of anxiety lacquered over with smug defiance. Kylo knew that look well. It was the first thing he'd ever seen in color.
The second was the blaster bolt Poe had aimed at his head.
"Morning," Poe said. His tone was all devil-may-care swagger despite the hard glint in his eye. Not for the first time, Kylo wished the shallow, thready bond between them was strong enough that he could see what Poe was really thinking.
Then again, maybe he'd rather not know.
Kylo swallowed thickly. "Commander Dameron."
He nodded at the other five pilots in greeting. They answered with pointed silence, crossed arms, and flat looks. Poe's little droid, BB-8, rolled to a stop in front of him, his head swiveling from Poe to Kylo. He let out a series of rude-sounding bleeps.
Poe checked his chronometer. "We gotta go," he said to his squadron, nodding toward the briefing room. "Come on."
The pilots walked past Kylo without another word. He watched them go with a frown of regret, then winced sharply as BB-8 ran over his toes. He swore under his breath.
Maker, he hated droids.
Kylo stepped into the debriefing room and instantly froze, his stomach constricting. Besides Poe and his squadron, the only people in the room were the five leaders of the Rebellion, seated behind the large, circular holotable at the center of the room. Their grim faces glowed softly in the blue light. The sight forcibly reminded Kylo of his first time here, bound and woozy, life hanging in the balance.
His mother looked up, her face impassive. She was dressed in what Kylo thought of as her war clothes, a utilitarian gray jumpsuit and brown vest, a blaster strapped to her waist. Her thick braid might have been wrapped around her head like a crown, but at this moment, she wasn't a princess or even Kylo's mother. She was General Organa, leader of the Resistance, and she would treat him accordingly.
"Ben Solo, please step forward."
Kylo fought the urge to shrink in on himself like a wayward child. He squared his shoulders and strode forward. Caught between the stony expressions of the five officers in front of him and the eyes of Poe Dameron and his squadron behind him, Kylo felt very small. That, too, was a familiar feeling, and he'd long since learned to hold his head high despite it.
He stopped in the center of the room, his arms tucked tight behind his back. "What is this about, General?"
He wracked his brain for any kind of punishable offense. Was this about the psych evals? Surely not, or else, why would the others be here? Perhaps the intel he'd given last week proved faulty. Even then, after seven standard months in captivity, of course he would be wrong sometimes. They must understand that.
"Yesterday," his mother said, interrupting his thoughts, "we received a message from Luke Skywalker."
Kylo's breath caught in his throat. He fought the urge to look around himself, as if just saying his uncle's name would make him materialize. Several of the pilots murmured.
Leia keyed something into the control panel, and a hologram a small, mountainous planet appeared above the table. The label identified it as Asadal. "Luke sent us a map of this planet. Do you recognize it?"
Kylo shook his head reluctantly. "No."
The officers exchanged glances, and for a moment, Kylo was afraid that was it and he was going to be dismissed. Instead, Leia touched another key and a single point of light began to blink on the top of one of its mountains.
"According to Luke's research, this is the location of an ancient Jedi temple. Rumor has it there's a holocron vault hidden somewhere inside."
Kylo's eyes went wide. Even a single holocron full of ancient Jedi knowledge could change the tide of this war. Finding an entire vault was unheard of.
"How could something like that escape the notice of the Empire?"
Major Brance looked at Leia significantly, his jaw tight. "We don't know that it did."
She gave him a pinched look. "But of course," she enunciated, "it would be foolish not to check."
Admiral Statura nodded briskly. "Of course. Now, here's where the difficulty lies."
He pressed a button on the holotable and the map zoomed out to reveal the surrounding systems. Kylo frowned. The planet was far into the Unknown Territories, right in the middle of First Order space. No wonder they'd asked him if he recognized it. He stepped forward to examine the hologram.
"I've never operated in this area of the galaxy."
Some of his Knights had done sweeps through there, but as they'd never discovered anything of note, Kylo had never enquired into it. Now, he cursed himself for that.
"There's nothing I can tell you that will help you get there."
Leia nodded. "Well, if that's the case, it can't be helped. I've already spoken to Commander Dameron, and he assures me that he will be able to get on and off the planet without any problems. Black Squadron, you will be assisting him."
Judging by the looks they exchanged, the other leaders were far less confident on this point that Kylo's mother was. For his part, Kylo was inclined to agree with her. He'd seen Poe in action. If he said he could pull this off, Kylo believed him.
"If that's the case, then why am I here?"
The officers exchanged glances again.
Major Ematt cleared his throat. "Dameron may be able to get on planet, but only a Jedi can access the temple. Or at least, someone who can use the Force."
Kylo's heart swelled hopefully. "So you want me to go."
He grinned behind his mask. Finally, something to do. Orders to follow. A chance to get out of this miserable, suffocating base.
"Sir! With all due respect, I have to register my objection," Karé Kun exclaimed. "How do we know he won't make a run for it the second he leaves the base? Or worse, what if he turns the holocrons over to the First Order?"
Kylo turned to glare at her. "Well, the fact that they would kill me on sight might hinder that."
"So you say." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I still see no reason to trust you."
"I've been giving you information for months," Kylo snapped. "Have I lied to you yet?"
"We don't know that you haven't," Temmin Wexley said stubbornly. "For all we know, this whole thing has been a trick and you're still working for Snoke!"
Kylo allowed himself a brief fantasy of using the Force to snap his neck like a twig. "Don't be absurd," he said through gritted teeth.
Jessika Pava stepped forward. "General, wouldn't it be safer to let Luke Skywalker go to this temple?"
"Nonsense!" Admiral Ackbar exclaimed before Leia could answer. "Luke Skywalker is far too valuable to risk on a mission like this."
Kylo scowled. I'm standing right here.
Not that he wasn't about to argue when his mission was at stake. Even still, the pilots didn't look convinced. Maker, this almost made him miss Hux. At least then, he'd only had one person undermining him.
Leia held up a hand to silence them. "Believe me, I've already heard the objections. Right now, this is the best option we have."
"But—"
"Guys," Poe interrupted. "Show the general some respect, would you? If she says this is the plan, then we're doing it."
The pilots went abruptly silent, and Kylo felt an absurd wave of gratitude. He looked back at his mother.
"If I'm going to get into this temple, I'll need my powers back."
"We understand that. You'll leave in five standard days. The serum should have worn off by the time you get there. As soon as you return, you'll be given the shot again."
If I return, Kylo thought. He nodded hastily. There was an expanding feeling in his chest.
"We wouldn't let you planet-side alone," Brance spoke up, as if he could sense Kylo's excitement and wanted to dampen it. "Commander Dameron would be escorting you every step of the way."
Kylo felt like someone had punched the breath out of him. He whipped his head around to stare at Poe, pulse racing. Poe smiled wryly and gave him a little wave.
"Why?" Kylo demanded, turning back to the officers.
"I think that should be obvious," Ackbar said. "For the exact reasons Lieutenant Kun gave earlier. You—"
"No," Kylo interrupted, "I meant, why him?"
Poe exhaled a laugh. "Wow."
Kylo ignored him.
"We only need one pilot on the ground," Statura explained. "Dameron's the easy choice. The rest of Black Squadron will act as backup in case things don't go smoothly. They'll be a jump away, in neutral territory."
"General Organa, I request that you reconsider sending Poe- Commander Dameron on this mission," L'ulo spoke up, and Kylo felt a spring of hope well up inside of him. "I would like to volunteer myself instead."
Poe laid a hand on the Duros' shoulder. "Decision's already made, buddy. Sorry I beat you out." He added in a louder voice: "I won't let you down this time, ma'am."
Leia smiled softly. "You never have, Poe." She turned her attention back to Kylo who was listening with dread heavy in his stomach. "The commander will be equipped with multiple hypo-syringes of force suppressant serum. He will also have access to your tracker signal. If you take a step out of line, he's authorized to pull you out by any means necessary."
Kylo clenched his fists, his lip curling up. "So he's going to be holding my leash."
His mother smirked. "Consider him an accountability partner."
"Of course, you have a choice," Major Brance spoke up. "If you don't like the mission parameters, we won't force you to go."
Kylo paused, his eyebrows drawing together. He titled his head to the side.
Brance and Ackbar exchanged another look, one he couldn't understand. Leia watched them with crossed arms and a downturned mouth.
"You're not a soldier, Ben," Brance said. "You can say no."
Kylo narrowed his eyes. He examined the man's face carefully but couldn't find any deceit there. He glanced slowly behind him. Poe was watching him expectantly, his arms crossed tight. Kylo fought the urge to reach up and check the clasp on his mask.
"Why don't we give him twenty-four standard hours to think about it?" Brance suggested.
His mother opened her mouth then shut it again. She let a breath out through her nose.
"That should be fine."
Kylo shook his head sharply. "I don't need twenty-four hours."
I'm ready to complete my mission, he wanted to say, but Poe's eyes were hot on his back and that knot of dread twisted sharply in his stomach. He felt sick with it. He had an overwhelming feeling that he was on a precipice and this was the step that could ruin everything. Something held him there at the edge. Instincts, he thought. Maybe even a premonition.
"Perhaps an hour," he ventured, "to meditate on the task at hand." That seemed neutral enough.
"Take it," Leia said, "and report to me when you're done."
"Yes, General."
His mother nodded efficiently. "You're dismissed."
Kylo bowed purely out of habit. He turned, avoiding the pilots' gazes, and swept out of the room. Once out in the hallway, he pressed a palm against his straining chest, sucking in a series of shallow breaths. He shook his head, ashamed of his own weakness. This was the first mission he'd had since he'd left the Supreme Leader, and he had balked like a Padawan. Surely, there was a deeper reason for his misgivings.
Doctor D'Paht was right. He did need to talk to someone.