Alright, in my twisted, sadistic mind, Lawrence Kutner takes medication for Bipolar disorder. When the medication goes a bit out of whack, for whatever reason, said person can get a range of terrible reactions, being short tempered and angry for no reason only a few of the symptoms. (Others are a wide variety of scaling emotions, but anger seems to be a favored one. Mood swings are often common too.) So, this story was based upon that fact and has nothing to do with Going to a White Castle as the title implies, it is actually a metaphor. This story was requested by my friend Nina, who wrote me a story in return which is in my favorites. Her request was just that of a Taub/Kutner pairing, something I'm not overly familiar with. I love it now...thank you Nina and Erin.
I own nothing of House M.D., it's characters, its plot, or its underwear. I only own the sick, twisted imagination to come up with this stuff...which, for me, is relatively clean. A bit of angsty Taub/Kutner fluff is good for the soul.
It wasn't something normal to come into a dead silent diagnostic room; especially one presided over by Gregory House himself. Normally all of his little ducklings were busily chatting away when he walked into the room…but not today. Today, they were utterly silent and looking at someone curled up, head down, on the desk in front of him.
In Kutner's spot.
"Why is it that my diagnostic room table is now serving as your bed Kutner?" House asked, slamming his hand down on top of the table roughly. "Late night last night with your action figure collection?"
Kutner didn't move or respond.
"You hooo! Hey, boy blunder, I'm talking to you!" He tried again, leaning in closer to poke at the back of Kutner's head harshly with his index finger, right behind the ear. "You answer when I speak!"
Kutner growled out a bit before lifting his head slowly, just enough to be able to face House and give him the best death glare that he could possibly manage in the state he appeared in. He looked almost like a smaller, Indian version of House. Dark bags beneath his eyes, hair uncombed, a t-shirt on under his crumpled up lab coat. It looked like he slept in the clothes he was wearing, which, knowing Kutner, would never have happened if something was wrong.
Which it clearly was.
"You taunted me with the cat and my superstitions a week ago, now it is my action figures?" He said sharply, eyebrows knitted together. "You're losing your edge."
"Oh, someone's being grumpy today." House said, standing back up as straight as he could go while still balancing on the cane. "I want a differential this morning, not a menopause clinic trial from you."
"And I want some respect from everyone around here, but I'm not going to get it." Kutner's head said as he lowered it back to the table slightly, eyes still glaring out at House and everyone in the room. This only muffled what he said next, but that didn't stop it from being heard.
Everyone in the glass-walled room froze instantly, their wide eyes glued to Kutner in disbelief. Even the great and terrible Gregory House, terror of all ducklings, interns, and nurses; paused mid step to the white board, arm and marker raised in a manner intent on using it. His eyes didn't bug or bulge like the rest of his team's had, but he did lift an eyebrow faintly before turning to frown and scowl at the once pleasant doctor.
"Repeat that Kutner." He indulged, tone tight-lipped and demanding. "The rest of the class didn't quite catch all of that."
"Well, then they're a deaf bunch morons…aren't they?" He snapped back, picking his head up fully and slamming his hands on the table to mark his point. "But I'm sure you knew that. After all, it takes one to know one."
At that, House's eyes did widen as the rest of the room gave out a very audible gasp. Taub's head whipped towards Kutner as he leaned over in his chair to loudly whisper in Kutner's ear, even though House's eyes were now narrowed in his direction. It was blatant suicide in this environment, he knew, but Kutner's job and well being were at stake and he cared…
It was worth the risk.
"Kutner, are you insane?" He said it like they were the only two left in the room to converse. "You just called House a moron!"
"Yeah, Chris, I know what I just said! I've been wanting to say it for weeks!" Kutner said, this time whirling from his visual stare-down with House to face him, eyes just as wild as his hair was. "Why don't you stop treating me like a kid or an idiot for once? I'm neither, you know, and I deserve some god damn respect! God, you act just like him sometimes!"
Kutner has stood up fully while yelling, eclipsing Taub as he let his verbal assault rain down upon the shorter man. Christ Taub had visually shrunk back at this, looking as wary as if he were about to be struck by the clearly furious Lawrence Kutner. No one ever used first names here…it was like an unwritten rule. So, to hear Taub's fall from Kutner's lips was odd, even more so than his outburst.
But things remained silent as Taub drew back farther in his chair as Kutner continued to torture him verbally, directing all of his rage towards him now instead of House. He continued to rant and yell about things, using the silent doctor's first name the whole time as he did so. The rest of the team had no idea what was going on, but it had to be bad to get like this… No one at PPTH had ever seen such a display from the young man who was now doling it out.
It was just unheard of.
"And you know what Chris?" Howled Kutner, finger swinging around wildly to point at Taub, who visibly flinched again.
"What?" His tone was small, defeated, eyes cast to the floor in obvious shame. "What?"
"It is no wonder your wife's unhappy with you! Just look at how pathetic you are when faced with confrontation of any sort. You run away or act like a dog with his tail between his legs." He snapped, swirling on his heel before slamming through the door behind him, still shouting as he went. "You're nothing."
The room he left remained dead silent, three pairs of eyes cast in Taub's direction in disbelief and shock. House's were a mixture of confusion and something else, something clouded and hidden. The silent Doctor Taub just sat there, head hung downcast, eyes adverted from everyone else's in more than apparent shame. It was quite the verbal beating he'd just received, even by the duckling's standards. Not even House had gone that far before.
Finally, after a few minutes of uninterrupted, still-as-the-grave silence, Taub slowly stood up with his back to everyone. He remained there for a few moments, eyes still hidden, head hung dejectedly. He looked tired, deflated, as if someone had come along and sucked the life from him.
"The truth hurts, doesn't it?" He said suddenly, voice low and wobbly. It was clearly on the verge of breaking due to the fact he was crying silently. "It hurts more than I could imagine…"
Taub moved fast for someone completely beaten, leaving a still flabbergasted diagnostic team in his wake, each starring at one another in confusion. They all seemed unsure of what had just taken place before them, and whether or not those people had actually been Kutner and Taub. If anyone got angry enough to yell before storming out, then it was Taub, not Kutner. He was actually the least likely in the entire group.
"So then, who wants to explain the little lovers spat? Hmm, any takers?" House asked, picking up his cane before dropping it to the ground, the loud thumping echoing around them in the dead silent room. "That's what I thought…get back to work."
--
It was several hours later that a rather stressed out looking Lisa Cuddy returned to House's office with a rather sheepish Kutner tailing behind her, head tucked down, a stack of papers in his hands. Neither one said anything as the door to House's office was pushed opened as they both entered, a mission evident in their strides. House was sitting at his desk, tossing his over sized tennis ball with the end of his cane as they did so, eyeing them as they moved to stand before him. It was like a ritual sacrifice, and Kutner was the virgin.
"Well, if it isn't Mount Etna, back to blow her top on the rest of the unsuspecting tourists." House sneered, voice dripping with unconcealed contempt as he caught the ball fluidly. "Back for another round before I fire you?"
"Actually, he's here to submit his written and verbal apologies to both you, Dr. Taub, and the rest of your team. You aren't firing him, but he is going to be docked for his behavior… Isn't that right, Dr. Kutner?" Kutner nodded his head yes as Cuddy continued. "So, if you'll page Dr. Taub, we can get this over with and get back to work."
"I've been trying to page him all morning Mommy." House snipped, flipping his ball again into the air as if he hadn't just said one of his employees was missing. "He won't pick up or call back, the lazy little thing. And before you ask, no, I have no idea where he is."
"He's been missing all day and you didn't feel the need to report it? House! What if something happened to him?" Cuddy practically screamed, half in concern, half in frustration, Kutner still flinching at the sound. "While on duty at this hospital, and on grounds, he's our responsibility and a liability!"
As she continued arguing with House, Kutner's face went more and more pale, his eyes widening significantly with each new hypothetical situation. What if Cuddy was right? What if he did get hurt, or worse, died for real this time? It would be all his fault…it would be all his fault.
But where would he have gone?
You had to sign out to leave Hospital grounds…
Kutner swung around and bolted for the door, shoving Cuddy to the side as he flung the door open and ran out into the hallway, his apology letters raining down inside the office. Nurses and patients went scrambling as he flew down the crowded corridor, coming to a screeching halt in front of the elevator shaft, punching the button hard. When it didn't respond fast enough, he took off again down the hallway in a dead sprint, white coat tails flying out behind him as he ran.
"What's gotten into him?" Cuddy asked, head stuck out the door to watch the whole scene as House approached from behind her to also stick his head out. "Where's he going now?"
House didn't respond…
He knew that look.
It was the same one reserved for Wilson.
--
The door to the West Wing roof entrance slammed open as Kutner made his breathless appearance through it, hair and coat moving wildly behind him as he took stairs two at a time in an effort to move faster. His lung were burning, his heart hammering as he desperately searched for Taub. If there was anywhere in the whole entirety of PPTH that Taub would go, then it was up here to this roof. It had the best view of the sunset anywhere, and it was secluded…no one ever went there since a patient had jumped almost a year and a half earlier.
Kutner prayed for a miracle…
But the incident had happened hours ago, so what if Taub wasn't up here anymore? What if…what if he'd already tried to…
Kutner shook that thought off as quickly as he could, snapping his head from side to side as he did so, trying to get such thoughts out of his consciousness as he searched desperately. Why hadn't he thought of the consequences when he'd said those terrible, awful things to Chris? When he'd called Taub pathetic? He hadn't meant them! He was just angry with himself, others, tired beyond belief….not Chris. Never Chris. Why had he said such horrible things to him?
He hadn't meant them…
He was desperate.
He had to keep searching.
"Chris!" He shouted over the roof top, cupping his hands so his voice carried further. "Chris, are you up here? Where are you, please? Answer me!"
The only answer he got was his own voice bouncing back to him as it moved off the buildings and duct work dotting the roof top. He was alone up here…
Kutner decided to move farther.
Keep searching…
"Chris! I'm so sorry!" He shouted again, not carrying anymore if anyone heard him. "Please, forgive me? I wasn't mad at you, I promise! Please…I can't do this alone…without you. Please…"
He finally dissolved into an emotional heap, his entire being physically weakening as he sagged to the ground before him, landing him on his knees and hands. He couldn't believe what he'd done in a moment of sheer stupidity… Maybe House was right, maybe he was the Boy Blunder after all. He'd killed Chris.
Kutner wasn't sure how long had passed as he stayed here, kneeling on the ground as he cried silently. He had killed the one person who actually cared for him, and vice versa…he was terrible.
So lost in his own thoughts, he didn't hear the footsteps approach him from behind, the light sound of familiar soles on the roof the only indication he wasn't alone up in his own personal place of Hell and misery. He made no movement as the persona continued approaching, clearly not hearing him…maybe he didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter to him now.
"I thought you said I'd never get you on your knees…" a smooth voice said. "You're such a bad liar Lawrence."
The voice, light and mild with a slightly accusing tone in its once haughty demeanor, seemed to grin, holding the air about the pair still. The figure had a familiar nasally tone to it, and a persona that radiated around him, not to mention shoes that were awfully familiar…
Kutner snapped his tear filled eyes up to stare into the face of Chris Taub.
"Well, are you just going to sit there or what?" Taub said again, no trace of emotion on his face or in his voice as he spoke. He was guarding himself, his person again…like before Kutner had gotten through to him. That hurt him more than a physical action ever possibly could. "You called, I answered."
"This wasn't what I had in mind when I said I wouldn't be on my knees for you Taub…Chris, and you know it." He said, adverting his eyes as they flooded with tears again. "None of this was."
"I know; me either."
The words were so simple, and yet had such a punch of impact behind them that they practically stole Kutner's breath away as he cried out in joy and launched himself at Taub, latching himself onto Taub's waist. It was the only part he could reach while still on his knees, but it would have to do…he would make sure of it.
He brought Taub into an embrace so tight that it suggested Taub would be torn in half before Kutner would allow him to be taken away again, by himself or any other party. Thousands of emotions seemed to pour out of him all at once as he clung to Taub for life, for stability, hoping that Christ would get the silent apology and pleading.
Don't leave me, please…ever.
Chris bent at the waist to return Kutner's demanding embrace about him.
He wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
"How'd you know I'd be up here?" He asked, running a hand through Kutner's hair gently as the man sobbed a bit. "I know the team and House have been looking for me all day, but you're the first to actually come out looking…to come up here."
"They don't know you like I do Chris…" Kutner said, tone small and submissive as he tried to reign in his emotions. "They don't know that this is your favorite place in the whole hospital, or that you come up here to get away from it all when you need a break while on duty… They don't know you."
"But you do…"