Akino Hakume: ….I was bored…so I watched advent children complete….and felt like it raised more questions than it answered…wtf? This is my retarded retelling.
Warning: This entire fic was done at four in the morning under the influence of one too many mountain dews…don't worry I'm sober now. I just happen to be editing it now.... Rated S: for stupid!
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Final Fantasy VII: Advent…WTF?
Caption: For those who loved this world and knew friendly company therein…this Reunion is for you.
Akino: what the F*bleep* does that mean?
RedXIII(Nanaki): *scaling a cliff and roars* I GOTZ CHILLINZ!
Akino: I thought you were the last of your kind?
RedXIII: yeah…apparently I can asexually reproduce
Akino:…..whatever…
Midgar apparently got taken over by the plants from Ruin.
498 years ago
Akino: What the hell? Then what was the point of the Nanaki scene?
Rufus gets pushed up on a sky scrapper building while talking to some mysterious guy with silver hair and a taste for leather. (Akino: Riku?) So, this is basically how Rufus gets off in his spare time; getting wheeled around by leather clad teenagers.
Akino: hey, to each their own
SilverhairKid: Why did mankind even bother? I mean seriously, you f*bleep* up everything with clones, science and dumb shit like that and still end up doing the same shit over and over.
Rufus: I suppose we're not good at facing our memories.
Akino and Silver haired kid: d'f*bleep* that mean?
Rufus: we rather kill the past. We find something worthwhile in the rubble and build the future with it.
SHK: *overlooking Midgar* yeah, we all see how that works out. Anyway, where the hell is Mother?
Rufus: we were trying to rid ourselves of a more immediate-
SHK: don't care. Where's mom? *looks at Rufus* and what the Hell is that on your hand! Ugh…looks like a hellhound took a piss on you. What? *looks at director* oh right, that's the stigma.
Rufus: actually it's just a mild case of leprosy...*chunk of skin fallz off*
SHK: ugh….
Two weeks earlier
Akino: why the hell do we keep going back in time?
And thus we change over to what appears to be the Northern Crater…or just really big hole in the ground where we last saw Sephiroth naked!
Elena: found it!
Tseng: that's not the head Elena
Elena; it looks like it, so what is it?
Tseng: proof that Jenova was a hermaphrodite.
Elena: *shriek*
Reno: *snicker* dangly parts
Tseng: Reno! Move your ass
Reno: you wish you were my ass *flies the helicopter down though I wonder who the hell gave him the keys.*
*gunshots*
Tseng: OMGWTF!
Elena: Sempai! Don't worry, my love for you is bullet proof!
Tseng: kill her first!
Unknown Voice: Give it back dammit!
Elena: never!
Unknown Voice: Give it bitch! *boom*
Elena: Reno, blue- 42! HIKE!
Reno: what the f*bleep* are you talking about?!
So miraculously Reno gets the hell out of dodge with Jenova's head and a nice summary of Final Fantasy VII starts as narrated by a…I guess like what eight year old. Yeah, its Marlene. You know, looking at Tifa's old outfit in 3-D I wondered if she wore underwear.
Marlene: and someone I loved returned to the life stream
Akino: you met Aerith all of ONCE in the game when you were like five or something!
So we get to see the city of Edge which apparently a city wrapped around the outer "Edge" of Midgar…you get it? And then we have people who are all bandaged up and puking in the streets and scaring small children. Then two desolate kids have a man with the Stigma throwing up near them
Girl: what the hell man! *throws a bottle at him* get lost!
Boy: so cold
Girl: who are you and why am I holding you
Scene switch to Marlene and a kid name Denzel who suspiciously looks like a fangirl's Tifa/Cloud love child. Tifa's cleaning up and then hears the phone ring which she answers. There's medical books on Cloud's desk and-
Akino: wait wait wait….Cloud's smart enough to read medical science books?...Bull shit!
Suddenly we're with Cloud now. We see Zack's Buster sword embedded in the ground and…there's a wolf there.
Wolf: its BACON!
Cloud: *listening to his messages*
Tifa: Reno called, he said "Wuz UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP! Oh…and meet him in Healin…wherever the f*bleep* that is. And Cloud, I lo-
Cloud: *slams the phone shut and shudders. Title appears* Where the hell are those words coming from? *puts on his shades* because we know I make them look good- oh gawd ow! *arm appears to be having inflamatory issues which causes pain and hallucinations and rapid changes in eyecolore
Sephiroth: imgonnarapeyou!
Cloud: Holy SHIT! *shakes head* damn that wasn't foreboding at all!
Akino: *swoon* Cloud suffering…*sigh*
Cloud: as if you're the first fangirl to get off on me in pain.*drives off*
Kadaj,Yazoo, and Loz drive up.
Yazoo: Can't believe they wouldn't let us join Hells Angels
Loz: don't cry, Zoo-baby
Yazoo: call me that again and Velvet Nightmare goes up your ass
-yes…their weapons have names…seriously-
Kadaj: this is like, completely off script, but I see Cloud down there.
Loz: oh yeah there he goes
Yazoo: dude, we totally gotta fuck with him!
Cloud: Country Rooooaaads, I wanna goooooooo, West Virginiaaaaaa, Moutain Ma- oh shit what that is?
Monsters come out of the ground (holy crap) and chase him down on the motorcycle. Cloud commences to defend himself!
Cloud: watch the wax, watch the wax, watch the wax watch the- *claw!*….FUCK! *and because Cloud is bad ass enough to have a swiss army bike that spits out swords, he proceeds to fuck these critters up.* Damn right.
Yazoo and Loz decide to join in on the fun.
Loz: word to yo' mama, blondie!
Yazoo: scream a little otherwise this won't be any fun!
Cloud:…silver hair…green eyes…wants to make me scream...shocker! we must motor-kungfu!
They fight in this cool multi-frame bike battle. Cloud…gets his ass kicked for the most part until Kadaj holds up his hand
Kadaj; heel!
Yazoo: and this is all we're pretty much good for in the whole film
Once they leave, Cloud stops and looks back to see Kadaj on the cliff.
Cloud:..I'm so f*bleep*ed…
Akino: I wish!
Cloud: who the hell are you?!
Akino: bathroom break *skitter*
Cloud reaches Healin while somehow listening to the messages on his phone.
Barrett: Al'ight! We struck black gold, Spikey! Now instead of using the lifestream we're draining the planet another way! I'm RICH BITCH!
Cloud: How the hell did he get my number?
Tifa: Reno's getting on my nerves. Hurry up! Also, Cloud, I miss you. The party last week…gawd you were so good that night
Cloud: *answers the phone* Tifa what the hell? That wasn't me!
Tifa: oh now you pick up your phone! Of course it was, I had the morning sickness to prove it!
Cloud: Tifa…that was Cid…
Tifa:….Oh…my…gawd!
Cloud: you okay?
Tifa: sorry I have to go to a Clin- I mean a doctors appointment! BYE! *click*
Cloud: see, this is why I moved out. *gets off the bike and marches up the stairs* on the cat walk on the cat walk babe I do my little turn on the cat walk. Okay, seriously where the hell did this place come from? There was no healin two years ago! *opens the door*
Reno: I have a death wish!
Cloud: *block* you know it helps when you don't yell before you attack
Reno: I'm not attacking you, I'm just fueling our yaoi fanbase.
Cloud: get out *shoves him outside*
Reno: oh come on, you hang around Tifa all day! No straight man would be caught dead with Tifa without tappin' that ass! I mean come on, even I hit that.
Cloud:exactly.
*click click*
Reno: crap…forgot my key…
Rude: *steps out* Lets go bi- *sword to the throat*
Cloud:...you really don't know who you're f*bleep*ing with right here do you?
Rufus: now now, boys, there's better ways to settle this. I have a mud hole out back and banna hammocks for all.
Cloud: totally didn't come here to be anally probed…*looks at Rude* so if he's in a wheel chair who does diaper duty?
Rude: ….
Reno: HA! As if I'd be caught dead
Rude: Elena
Cloud: damn, too bad he lived.
Rufus: I bet you're wondering how I survived
Cloud: don't care
Rufus: After the cannon blew
Cloud: don't care
Rufus: I managed to get out-
Cloud: look you overgrown cockroach I don't care! What the hell do you want?
Reno: see he didn't give two shits about you either!
Rufus: shut up Reno!
Cloud: Leaving
Rufus: don't you want to hear about the
Cloud: let me save you almost an hour of exposition. *inhale*Kadaj is a Sephiroth Clone,Yazoo and Loz are pointless, you can actually walk ya son of a bitch, Reno and Rude blow up one of the two remaining helicopters you have left, and I save all your asses again. And black, Reno, they're definitely black; nothing but silk touches this ass.
Reno: sweet!
Cloud: peace! *walks out* Oh *leans back in the door* Rude, you and Reno are going to get your asses handed to you in three, two,
*scene change*
Reno: AH what the f*bleep* asshole!
Rude: ra-da…
Kadaj: that's right; I kicked both your asses by myself. Turks suck
Reno: oh you son of bitch!
Akino: blasphemy! Get up and kick his ass!
Reno: Yeah…I'll get to that…right after my spine pops back in to place.
Akino: yeah...part one....I'm retarded. I'll post the rest cause it wouldn't fair not to XD You can just read and comment on how stupid it is if you want. this is just made to be flamed XDD