A/N please read the above summary before referring to myself in a negative fashion. Faberry will happen in a romantic sense in this fic but not for a few more chapters, the ONLY Pezberry that will be in this story is a platonic and slightly demonic friendship. Who's the Dumbass now George?

Also as always I in no way, shape or form claim any ownership to Glee or its characters they all belong to RIB.

"She's doing WHAT?!"

Santana pulled the phone away from her ear a second too late as the diva on the other end started shrieking and ranting at her in Yiddish.

"Whoa Berry slow your vegan spring roll, you're making the dogs in the next town over howl in pain! Look I know it came as a shock to me too, considering that announcement was preceded by her attendance at Jodi Foster's Clam Bake, I was totes thinking that she finally un-pressed that massive lemon of hers and was about to ask me to go with her to a Melissa Etheridge concert or something, but no she's pulling yet another WASP 101 cliché and…damn it Berry! I knew being your friend was a mistake! Now you've got me rambling on and on, like your midget ass!"

"…"

"Berry you still there?"

"…"

"BERRY!"

"Sorry Santana, I'm still stuck on the imagery caused by the idea of a Jodi Foster Clam Bake."

Santana let out an undignified snort before giggling into the phone. "I know right?! I haven't had that many gay jokes pop into my head at once since junior year!"

"So this perverted adulterous professor of hers is sixteen years her senior correct?"

"Yep."

"So why didn't you just reference Noah to put the situation into perspective for her?"

"…Que?"

"Noah is sixteen years older than Beth, why didn't you just ask her if she would be okay with Beth dating someone Noah's age when she's eighteen?"

"Huh…that's a good point but I would have thought you'd consider bringing up Beth to be a little below the belt Berry."

"I've learned over many years of trying to reach Quinn Fabray that sometimes you need to give her a proverbial kick in the pants. I didn't spend the better part of four years trying to get her to believe she deserved and was capable of so much more than what that family, and I use that term loosely, of hers brainwashed her into thinking."

"Like what?"

"Going after Finn, outing the paternity of her child, trying to keep her from Noah, pushing her towards Sam, the bathroom incident at Junior Prom, trying to get her away from Finn yet again, reaching out to her time and again when she joined the Skanks, supporting her in her decisions to apply to Yale and rejoin the Cheerios. I mean take your pick Lopez."

"Oh bullshit! You went after Finn for yourself!"

"No I didn't, I'll admit that I originally went after him to keep him in Glee, but then once you, Quinn, and Brittany joined as well, I continued to try to keep him from her because I realized what a complete imbecile he was, he may have been Captain of the football team and quarterback but he was a terrible athlete, that boy is destined to live the rest of his life in Lima. I did eventually fall for him, keep in mind that I had zero self-esteem at the time and for pretty much the entirety of our on again off again relationship, which is in large part thanks to the three of you, but I knew that Finn Hudson would keep Quinn in Lima and I just couldn't let that stand."

"Why do you care so much about what happens to Quinn?"

Rachel pulled the phone away to stare at it incredulously a moment before responding to the question. "I've had a crush on Quinn since she and her family moved to Lima, I would have assumed that by this point that would have been fairly obvious."

"I KNEW IT!" Rachel could actually hear her friend fist pumping and smirking over the phone.

"Don't get so cocky Lopez, Brittany and Kurt guessed it first. I'm actually surprised that comment at prom was the first time you ever said anything about it in front of me."

"Wait B and Hummel knew before I did?"

"Brittany knew first day of freshman year, and Kurt guessed after the 'Keep Holding On' performance."

"You do know that Q's been lady lusting after you for at least that long right?"

"First day freshman year actually, Brittany actually told me in a very Brittany like manner."

Santana allowed a fond smile over what that would have entailed, something involving Charity's attempt to join the Latin Queens no doubt. "Why didn't you just chase after her instead of Hudson?"

Rachel rolled her eyes so hard you'd have thought she was channeling the Latina herself. "Really Santana, how well do you think that would have gone? Keep in mind she started tormenting me after finding out I had two dads and started dating Finn that same day."

"…Fair point, that would have pushed her so deep into the Narnia that she wouldn't have even accepted me and B's relationship much less Hummel or anyone else. Not to mention she would have gotten preggers waaaaay before sophomore year."

"I'm willing to bet that actually did play some part in her losing her virginity to Noah. Now that's not to say that her deeply ingrained insecurities about her weight and appearance helped matters but that couldn't have been all of it."

"So you're an Indigo Girl?"

"No I'm pan-sexual; I fall for the person not the gender or physical attributes."

"Are you for real?"

"Finn, Noah, Jessie, Mr. Schue, Brody, Blaine, Brittany, Tina, Quinn, you…I don't exactly have a type besides singer do I?"

"Me?"

"Have you seen you?"

"True story Berry Forever"

"I love that movie! Hang on a second." Santana can hear Rachel yelling to Kurt that they were going to have a Porky's night next week. "Anyway to recap, I like Quinn, Quinn likes me, everybody with even a hint of gaydar can see it, and something caused Quinn to majorly back slide into her default WASP mode. Looks like I'm going to have to finally make use of those Metro North passes she gave me."

"Wait hold up! She told us that you bought them and have bugged her to come up since school started, and that you email her every week!"

"Yeah, reverse that and you'd have the real story, although I do respond to her emails every week but not once has she mentioned dating anyone much less a married professor."

"Well how are you going to handle it?"

"The only way to get Quinn to respond honestly to anything, jealousy, I've been offered a role that involves a topless scene and will tell her all about how wonderful Brody is being about helping me rehearse in the privacy of my loft in deference to my modesty."

"That…I have no words Rachel. I don't think I have ever been prouder of you. That's pure evil and will make Quinn flip her shit! She may take you right there."

"Promises promises Santana, but I'm surprised that you would doubt me after the Sunshine Incident."

"Oh yea, why weren't we friends long before this?"

"I don't know, we would have literally taken over the world by now if we had been. Anywho I am going to let you go as I have some packing to do and I will let you know how everything turns out."

"Sure Berry talk at ya later."

TBC