Camera pans on a blonde woman sitting behind a desk with multiple screens behind her
"Hello, I'm Nancy Grace and welcome to Nancy Grace. Tonight's show we have the world renowned fanfiction writer, Crack is a Hell of a Drug gracing us with her presence as well as the cast of Fox's hit TV show "Glee!"
Crack walks up to the desk
Crack: Hi, Nancy. It's great to be here. First off I'd like to thank you for fitting me into your busy line up of nothing but Casey Anthony.
NG: Yes it was hard for me to fit something different into the schedule. Even now I feel anxious and sick not talking obsessively about "Tot Mom." But I couldn't pass up a chance to talk with the esteemed Crack of "A Much Better version of Sumbody 2 Luv" fame.
Crack: Thank you, it was fun to write.
Nancy Grace looks back to the camera
NG: Also on our show is going to be Dr. jgauber, a leading expert on fanfiction analysis. Now Crack, your new novel "A Better Version of Da princess in da gle club" has raised some eyebrows. It's been fairly controversial for the parody genre, has it not?
Crack: Yes, I was surprised at some of the backlash I've received but mostly I chalk it up to uptight sticks in the mud who don't have a sense of humor. I'll expand upon that later in the show when we get to the Viewer Thoughts and Reaction portion.
NG: Excellent. Now we must welcome our other guests: Rachel Berry, Quinn Fabray, Finn Hudson, and Kurt Hummel. Noah "Puck" Puckerman would have been here but he's on a secret mission, making the fanfiction world safe for grammar, spelling, and waffles. I didn't invite the others because honestly they're one dimensional characters and not that interesting to talk about. Mercedes might be in the future, we'll see how the Samcedes storyline pans out.
*Rachel, Quinn, Finn, and Kurt come to the desk*
RB: Thanks for having us Nancy, it's great to be on TV. I only wish you had a live studio audience because the lack of applause weakens me.
NG: Sorry about that, but this isn't that kind of show. If I have to go without steamrolling over people about my own personal vendetta against Casey Anthony then you can go without applause. Now guys, you were made famous by the whole "Agnes Ashburn" incident which led to you staring as yourselves in the movie, which led to a series based on your lives that has been a monumental hit on Fox. Given your fame, it's only natural that a fanfiction community would rise in its wake. How does it feel being the inspiration for thousands of fanfiction stories?
RB: Well it's a mixed bag. For the most part I'm genuinely flattered. People taking the time to create stories based around me and my life, it's a humbling experience that they care enough to do that. On the other hand, some of them are...
Crack: Complete shite?
RB: Yes but in a nicer way, perhaps. I commend those who try but maybe some ought to think about getting another hobby and leaving writing to those with actual talent. It's the same with singing, you know–some people-
KH: [Interrupting Rachel] I think that some people need to come up with original ideas. Honestly, how many times are Rachel and I going to get raped in this fandom?
RB: Or commit or attempt to commit suicide?
QF: I am all for freedom of writing whatever you want but can someone just answer me this: Why the hell are there fics about me having a penis! What the fuck? I sort of get pairing me and Rachel together, we are pretty hot and it's only natural that you put two hot people together.
FH: Amen to that.
QF: Shut up Finn but high five Rachel.
Rachel and Quinn high five
But giving me a penis? Really? Where did that even start? I'm not going to tell you not to write it as long as its within FF. Net's guidelines but I just really know where it came from. I'm just boggled.
RB: Also, no offense to my spectacular co-star but why all the Quinn/Rachel shippers? I feel like there's an inordinate amount out there given the blatant hostility and resentment portrayed in the show. We didn't even become real friends until later in our lives. Where the show is now, I just don't understand the ship.
NG: I think we'll leave that question to our esteemed guest, Dr. jgauber.
Screen splits and Dr. jgauber has her own window. Caption states that she's in D.C.
DrJ: Thank you for having me on the show, Nancy
NG: Dr. jgauber graduated magna cum laude from Whedon University, the most prestigious institution on funny, witty, awesome writing.
DrJ: Well to answer your question Ms. Fabray, I think it has something to do with the hostility you just mentioned. I call it the Dramione effect...
NG: Casey Anthony is a monster! She looked up chloroform and death on her...
Crack: No Nancy Grace! Bad Nancy Grace! It's not your turn to speak. Do you need to go back to kindergarten and learn manners when it comes to conversations? Seriously, why do you even bother to have guests if you're just going to interrupt them every five seconds with your own obnoxious opinion?
Nancy Grace looks stunned and becomes quiet
DrJ: Thanks Crack, it's about time someone said something. Anyway, back to the Dramione effect. It's when writers see hostility as attraction and put two enemies together; seeing romance and a relationship despite very real issues such as racism or sexism. My term comes from the utterly mind-boggling and more than a little creepy pairing of Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger in Harry Potter fanfiction. I don't understand the connection – nor do I really see the appeal - but it has taken the HP fandom by storm. To each his own, I suppose. Not many can pull it off without going AU and requiring an absurd amount of suspension of believe but I give an "A" for effort.
As for the peen, I'm not sure what to tell you. Sometimes there are prompts and people just run with it. I commend the process for getting people thinking and being creative but...yeah, kind of weird but I'm not going judge how you spend your time.
KH: I do want to applaud Crack for once again, telling our side of the story with such wit and delightful exposition. The true story needed to be told and I'm glad that Crack was able to articulate the true drama that went on.
NG: Finn, are you going to add anything?
FH: Derp, derp, derp.
NG: That does not surprise me.
I want to thank the cast of Glee! for joining us tonight and good luck with your future endeavors.
Glee cast leaves
NG: Now here is the Viewer Response. "A Better Version of Da princess in da gle club" has gotten rave reviews, it's been on The New York Times best seller list for over a year. I think we can all agree that its well-written prose makes us laugh, cry, and everything in between. Here are some comments.
"So much love. That was awesome." from Catdancergirl
"Best story ever. I love you!" Lol
"THANK. YOU." Person
"I love you for doing this, seriously pure genius!" Radowan
"...this one is brilliant...Great job considering what you had to work with." DarkShadowsFalling
"I worship you...This is brilliance at its best. I lost control of my laughter...I COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR DEED." IAmGlitterati
Crack: Yes, I just want to thank all those who commented. You guys are awesome and I hope I can keep writing funny fics that eviscerate trolls in fiction.
DrJ: I have to agree. It was sheer genius. All the years of writing my own fics and an avid reader, I have to say you are totally awesome.
NG: But with all great writing, you're going to have some critics. Here are some.
"Ok. First, this is unnecessary. You don't need to make a parody of a story that you think is 'bad', otherwise everyone would do it and fanfiction would be clogged with crap.
Second, this is someone's story. They didn't write it to be harassed and receive death threats. It's ridiculous. Just remove the story and leave them alone. I suggest that anyone else who wants to review remembers that 'A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give. Please use this golden opportunity to offer a well deserved praise and/or tips for improvement.'
It doesn't say 'Take the opportunity to tell the author how horrible their story is and how they should kill themselves.' I can't believe that some people are so mean." itsbrittanabitches
"[God you're a loser] Read the title. That is what I think of you." God you're a loser
Crack: I am going to address "God you're a loser" and "itsbrittanabitches" as " Loser Bitches" since I'm sure they're the same person.
One, yes it is unnecessary. It's fanfiction. It's all unnecessary. Loser Bitches, do you think the creators of our inspiration poured their heart and soul into creating characters and stories for people to bastardize them? For amateur writers to take their creations and then twist them into something that doesn't even resemble the original and put the characters in situations that are more often than not self-insertion fantasies? No, probably not but it's fun and harmless. Sure what I do is petty and vindictive but I don't have a problem with that. It's a parody. Par-o-dy. Meaning it's supposed to take the piss out of someone and give people a laugh. Obviously that part was lost on you. I suggest you go to your nearest proctologist and get the stick that is stuck in your ass removed immediately.
I don't know which sites you prefer but our beloved and quirky is always filled with crap. My story is witty, acerbic, and hilarious. I'm sorry that you're too much of a priss to appreciate deprecating humor but it's a legitimate form of writing. Just ask Matt Stone and Trey Parker; not to compare my work with the awesomeness that is the creators of South Park.
Second, I get the impression you didn't read the original. If you had then you would know that it was obviously a troll. Trolls don't count. I would never parody a story, no matter how bad I personally felt it was, if it's a real effort. You would also know I did give constructive criticism but it was ignored so I really don't feel bad for writing a parody.
Loser Bitches, you wrote "A well rounded critique blah blah blah self-righteous BS I don't follow myself." I would like to point out that neither of those reviews you wrote are well rounded critique's of the story. It's a personal attack against me and my writing. Next time, try not to be such a hypocritical puta and actually follow your own advice.
This next one made me laugh.
"Didn't anyone ever tell you to not feed trolls? By working yourself into some sort of self-righteous rage over a story that was presumably written to be terrible, the only person that looks like a fool, and an overly invested one at that, is you." Kappaletta
Crack:Really? You're giving me crap for writing fanfiction? Didn't anyone ever tell you not to be a hypocritical douche and tell people how to waste their own time? Let's be real here, fanfiction is a fun waste of time that could be used to do more productive things for society. Did you really need to take the time to write me a "self-righteous" comment on why I write instead of one about the story itself? Relax, it's a parody. It's meant to be funny, not taken as some kind of manifesto against trolls. Sure it's bad to feed trolls but I'm of the belief that whether you feed them or not, they'll be around. So instead of wasting time trying to talk sense into them or giving haughty bitch advice about ignoring them, I choose to waste my time writing hilarious parodies to give everyone else a bit of respite from them.
DrJ: If I may, Crack, could I interject here?
Crack: Of course.
DrJ: Well Crack, my scientific research on the world of fanfiction is vast; in fact, I am perhaps the only living expert on the writers, reviews, and general worldviews of fanfiction. It is a genre all its own, and the writers and readers are very different from the writers and readers of magazines, newspapers, and fiction and nonfiction works of prose in hardcopy published format. The world of fanfiction has evolved to inclose not only in-character, canonized storylines but slashes, OOC story arcs, original character lines, and the wondrous category you write:Parody. Like you say, fanfiction is essentially a directed way to waste time, and it's interesting that both Loser Bitches and Kappaletta would bother to even finish your story if they found it so upsetting, let alone comment about it.
NG: So in your scientific opinion, what does this mean?
DrJ: Well, my scientific opinion is, quite frankly, that they are whack. Totally and completely whack.
Crack: Awesome. My thoughts exactly. I'm glad to see I'm vindicated by science.
NG: Isn't it also possible, Dr. jgauber, that the sad incident regarding Caylee Anthony has so depressed them that they cannot think about anything else? That poor Caylee has been victimized not only by her own mother but also by the justice system itself has so angered them that they must take out that anger on everyone around them, including poor fanfiction writers in the abyss of the internet?
Crach and DrJ both look a combination of confused and scared
Crack: Right...OK. Not only is the fact they would comment so bothersome to me, Dr. jauber, but the fact that they write fanfiction themselves, so their own comments, especially those of Kappaletta could be directed back at them. For example, Kappaletta, do you have so much time that you overly invest yourself in the romantic relationships of fictional characters?
Oh wait, was that a gratuitous and snide comment about how you spend your own time? Sorry, my B. How about this: Virgins should not write intimate scenes, even if they're for "shock" fics that are unrealistic and possibly meant to be funny. It just comes off as awkward, stilted, and embarrassing for all those involved. Also, given that your stories are riddled with unnecessary commas and shoddy prose I can see that writing isn't really a passion for you, more like a hobby. But for those whose passion is writing, trolls are a real frustration. Incorrect grammar and gross misspelling is a real pain to read. We all have our idiosyncrasies and things that just annoy the crap out of us. So if you chose to put something on a writing site that allows for comments, you are going to get praise and hate. It's the nature of the game.
Now I can admit that what I publish has mistakes here and there. Writing is more than a hobby but less than a passion for me. If someone wants to flame me for minor mistakes then I'm not going to begrudge them for it because I do understand where they are coming from. I don't care enough to fix it most times but I understand it.
But giving me crap for spending my time writing what I write? That is a bunch of hypocritical high-handed BS. Do not think that your childish and nonsensical "romance" stories are better than my childish and nonsensical parodies. We're all here writing what we write because we like it. I'm sure everyone gets enough shite from non-fanfiction people about spending our time writing about other people's work. We don't need it in our own community.
So Kappaletta and Loser Bitches, I forgive you because I'm awesome like that.
NG: Well that's all the time we have for today, so I want to thank all our guests for coming and CASEY ANTHONY SHOULD BURN! BURN I TELL YOU!
Camera pans away quickly and the screen goes blank
AN: This might show my age but I hate watching Nancy Grace. If anyone is lost on the reference, please take some time to see an episode and I'm sure you all will agree with me.
Do not own Nancy Grace, Fox, Glee or jgauber.
I want to give a shout out to jgauber for letting me use her as a character and for co-writing. She's totally awesome.
I also want to thank the reviewers who see the parodies for what they are: parodies. It's not that serious. So anyone else who wants to write in with sanctimonious drivel about what I should do with my own time, I can and will put you on blast.
Hugs and Kisses!
Crack