An/I don't own Criminal Minds.
"Jayje." Emily smiled. "Three weeks, aren't you so excited?" The three members of the BAU girls club was out for their usual drinks, just three weeks before JJ was destined to tie the knot. As the date approached, Emily became more and more anxious for her friend, while JJ became more and more quiet. To an outside observer, the reaction of JJ would indicate the obvious, but her friends didn't see it. They saw what they wanted to see, and what they wanted to see was a happy JJ.
JJ nodded, though she didn't really know what to say. She was excited to marry Will in 21 days, but everyone else just seemed to be more excited. While JJ felt numb to the whole idea, everyone else seemed to think it was a brilliant idea. JJ didn't know why there was that pit in her stomach, she tried to convince herself that it was just nerves, but she just wasn't sure. There was no reason that she wouldn't be happy with Will. He loved her, he was good to her, he cared, but something within her said that it wasn't enough. She felt selfish for thinking it, but in her childhood, she never wanted a guy like him. She knew that it was a practical match, they already had a child together and on paper they were the perfect match. But something was missing. Something big, and JJ dreaded that she would never find out how to fill that void. "JJ, don't think these things. Why are you going to ruin the only good thing in your life? Why are you sabotaging your own happiness" She scolded herself.
"Let me see the ring again." Garcia cried, pulling JJ's arm practically out of socket. The large, emerald cut diamond had become a touchstone of her and Will's relationship, but for some reason, it didn't really fit. It was sized right and everything, it just didn't feel natural. She felt like a little girl wearing her mother's jewelry, waiting for the moment someone noticed how wrong it felt. "Its perfect."
"Yeah." JJ murmmered. "Its really something." The only problem was, it was really something for someone else. This wasn't for her, but it was too late. She had made her choice and there was no going back.
Hotch sat in his car before driving away from the job. His car was fast becoming the only place he was free. The BAU was full of thoughts and memories of her. Memories of her waltzing around, pregnant belly and all, ordering around the various aides he had help her. Memories of her looking hurt, eyes begging for a comforting hand, and yet he had been to cowardly to extend one. Memories of the times where he thought that maybe there was more to their tentative friendship than he wanted to admit. The workplace wasn't the only place that JJ seemed to haunt. His house resonated of the time she brought him soup. Strange how Hailey had lived there, yet he didn't think of her when he went home, but JJ visited once and it felt like her rightful place.
Things had been so simple months ago, back before the giant ring had come between them. Hotch had been faintly aware of his physical attraction to the blonde liaison before it had all happend, but so much had changed since that piece of diamond landed on a specific finger. When JJ and Will announced their engagement to the team, Hotch had a feeling that he shouldn't. Jealousy. While the rest of the team cried with glee and rushed to congratulate the couple, Hotch sat there silently, his only lie being the smile that he placed on his face for the occasion. He knew it would have to happen eventually, for nearly a year Will had been trying to talk JJ into marriage, but that didn't stop the initial pit in his stomach from taking its place. He was learning to live with it, it had been his constant companion for nearly eight months and he had a feeling that it would only get worse as JJ married her fiance.
Aaron Hotchner was not the kind to pine. When he had wanted Hailey, he had no problem getting what he wanted. But this was different. He was already too late. They never had a shot to begin with. By the time he had began to notice his feelings for her, she already had someone else. He tried to deal with it, it was life. While never represented in the media, there were times where the guy didn't get the girl. The girl married her boyfriend while the guy had to watch.
He was dreading the wedding. Initially, he had planned on not going, but he couldn't do that to her. No matter how he felt about her, she saw him as a friend. His entire nature shyed away from hurting JJ like that. Even if it killed him, he would go to her wedding and fake a smile. He wouldn't hurt JJ by not coming.
And then came the most vivid memory he had. The memory that he couldn't get out of his mind, while JJ maintained that she didn't remember that night at all. He thought of the time he had gotten drinks with her back in Seattle. It was just a few weeks after she had gotten engaged and the team had gone to a bar. While everyone else scattered, Hotch remained with the Blonde, soaking in every moment he could spend with her.
"JJ, you don't need that." Hotch said, taking the shot from her hand. She was already far past inebriated and he couldn't let her drink anymore. He knew JJ well, and drunk JJ even better. It was time to cut her off.
"But Hotch, I was just getting started." She slurred slightly. No doubt she would feel humiliated about this in the morning, but while she was at it, she might as well enjoy the ride.
"You got started a long time ago." He countered, sipping his water. As always, he had gotten to be the designated driver, which left him to deal with the rest of his drunk collegues without anything to take the edge off.
"No, but it was good." JJ tried to explain. She put her elbow on the table and rested her head in her hand, but her intoxication caused the normally fluid movement to backfire and her elbow to slip. "Hmph."
"I really think you've had enough." He reasoned as a man who was as drunk as JJ came up to the pair.
"Hey Blondie, how's about I buy you a drink?" The man tried to give his best flirting impression, but it seemingly failed.
"Ooo." JJ laughed. "Maybe---"
"She isn't interested." Hotch insisted, giving a glare that caused the man to run in retreat.
"What was that for?" JJ asked angrily. "He was going to get me some more of the good tasting drink."
"You've already had plenty." Hotch said, smiling at the sweet look of frustration on her face. She was an alcohol lightweight, everyone knew that, but the look she gave when she was drunk and angry--it was adorable to say the least. "Besides, what would Will say?"
JJ shrugged. "I guess he wouldn't be too happy about that." She said before a high hiccup left her lips.
"No he wouldn't." Hotch agreed quietly.
JJ got an idea at this, a terrible but tempting idea. She cared for Will, she really did, but for some reason, at this moment, she wanted nothing more than to place a light kiss right on her boss's lips. She knew that it was odd, but she knew that this wasn't because she was drunk. If she were being entirely honest with herself, which she often wasn't, she had been having this urge for a while, but had just gotten good at pretending that these urges didn't exsist. She wouldn't do this. She was engaged for heaven sakes. She just wished sometimes that she was engaged to someone else. That someone else sitting right next to her, tempting her though he had no idea he was doing it.
"What's the matter?" Hotch asked after JJ was silent for a moment. He'd had a hard time getting her to stop talking just moments ago, he didn't know what had suddenly changed.
"Can I tell you a see-ah-crit?" JJ hiccuped. "Its a good one."
"If its a good one, then maybe you should keep it to yourself." He said, though he was dying to know. He wasn't about to take advantage of her drunkenness to find out about her, no matter how badly he wanted to.
"Nope. I'm going to tell you." JJ said decisively. "Come closer." She enticed, though she she hadn't given him the option of moving himself. She grabbed his tie and pulled his head closer to hers.
"What do you mean?" Hotch questioned nervously. Being this close to JJ was eating up all of his will power, he didn't know if he could handle being any nearer to her.
"I don't want Emily to hear." JJ informed, leaning in closer. "She'd get mad."
"Alright." Hotch chuckled nervously as he leaned in. "What?"
"I don't know if I want to marry Will." JJ whispered, her hot breath nipping at his ear.
"Wha--What?" Hotch sputtered ineloquently.
"I don't want to marry him." JJ said, as if it were no huge deal. "I should want to, which is why I'm going to, but I don't really want to."
"JJ--" He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
"Tell me not to." She begged. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."
He so badly wanted to give her one, but he couldn't bring himself to do that. She was drunk and nervous, he wouldn't ruin her life because of her moment of cold feet. "I can't do that."
"Fine." JJ's voice fell in disappointment. "Fine. I'll marry him. Why wouldn't I anyway? I'm just a stupid woman."
She sat there awkwardly for a moment before standing up and walking towards Emily. She had been rejected, and she would do her best to ignore that. But at that moment, her heart stung. She couldn't be near him.
And that had been it, that had been the saving, yet tormenting knowledge that he had been dealing with for the last few months. He was full of 'what ifs', full of longing for the life of what might have been if he had stood up then. But he hadn't, and he would have to deal with that for the rest of his life. He remembered the heart breaking next morning.
He stopped her before the pair loaded onto the jet for the ride home. He was going to do it. He was going to give her his reason. He hadn't been able to sleep the night before, this was his last chance and he was going to take it.
"JJ, about last night..." He said as soon as the other's were out of earshot.
"Last night?" JJ questioned obliviously. "I don't even remember any of it. I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing."
With that, his heart fell. He couldn't remind her of her moment of vulnerability if she so clearly hadn't wanted to. "You didn't do anything, you just said some things--"
"Oh no." Her hand flew over her mouth. She faintly remembered something about talking to him about her engagement to Will. She was in trouble. "I didn't."
"Its really alright." He assured her.
"Should I be awfully embarrassed?" She blushed.
"No. You shouldn't." He said.
"Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?" She asked nervously.
This was his cue. The cue to leap or hide. And while in many universes, Hotch wished he would have chosen the former, he did what he did best. He hid what he really felt. "Nope, nothing."
Now he was too late. He had his chance and he blew it. He decided that he couldn't deal with this tonight, he would have to come to terms with the inevitable future soon, but he didn't have it in him tonight. He pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the nearest bar. He normally wasn't a drinker, but scotch seemed like just the ticket at the moment.
As he pulled in, he saw the familiar car of Emily Prentiss. "She must have lost the draw." He mused to himself. He dreaded to see who he knew would be with her. He saw the blonde hair that he knew so well, the hair that had been in everyone of his dreams lately. His greatest fantasies involved her being with him and his recent nightmares had her wearing a wedding dress, walking down the aisle to Will as he watched in the congregation.
He would have turned around if Garcia hadn't began to frantically wave at him. He pulled into a stall and rolled down the window as all three of the women came up to him.
"Hey there." Garcia called happily. "What are you doing out and about this fine evening?"
"Just thought I'd get a drink." He admitted. He glanced over at JJ who was shifting her weight nervously. Every moment around him was too much for her to bear. She had made her choice, and she didn't need to let him make it harder for her. "How are you all doing?"
"Great." Emily chirped, though she knew he wasn't asking her. His eyes easily lingered on the blonde next to her, how stood there, arms crossed, trying to contain herself. "We were just about to head home, unless you want company?"
"No, I'm fine." He lied. "As I got here I realized that I really shouldn't be drinking anyway."
"Okay." Emily nodded. "We're just waiting here for Will, he said he would pick up JJ but I really need to get Garcia home--"
"I can wait with you." He said, though as the words came out he cringed. All his efforts had been on avoiding thoughts of her, so why was he now going to spend time with her? Sometimes he really thought he was a glutton for punishment.
"That's alright..." JJ said before Emily interrupted.
"Would you? Because that would be great if you could." Emily exclaimed, pulling Garcia. "We're going to head. See you soon."
"Bye." JJ waved as she plopped down on the curb. This ought to be interesting. You know what you did last time you were alone with him. She thought to herself.
Hotch consciously got out of his car and sat next to her. Thus far, it was his sanctuary from his thoughts of JJ, the last thing he needed was memories being made there. "So," He muttered awkwardly."Did you have fun?"
"It was a blast." JJ shrugged. "I got to watch Garcia hit on the bartender for nearly an hour." She felt the warm May night surround her, pushing glee into her heart. She tried to fight off the euphoria. Her soul was full of complex emotions. On the one hand, she felt glad to be in this happy weather with the man that had been visiting her dreams lately, but she was also full of longing, longing that was forbidden. There was a throbbing for what could have been in another universe. In a universe where she wasn't already taken and he actually wanted her. A world where Hotch would fight for her and that they could be together. But this world was all for vain. It couldn't happen. Not anymore.
"Sounds like it." He responded, he knew he must have looked like a moron, sitting on the curb in his suit. But he didn't mind. The pain wasn't so bad right now. Here he could pretend that things were different. He would deal with the painful reality later. "So why didn't you go home with them?"
"Will just wanted to talk about a few of the last minute details." She informed. "I rarely see him as it is, so we had to make some time to talk."
"That's good that you guys are talking." Hotch lied lamely. "You are winding down to that wedding day."
"Yep." JJ didn't want to talk about this, especially with him. "Have you heard about the prosecution for the Foley case? I heard that it was getting kind of messy."
"Yeah. His lawyers say that some of the evidence procurred wasn't done through proper channels so they want it excluded." He said mindlessly. He stared down at their hands. They were mere inches from each other and open. One simple action could unite her with him if only for a moment. But he couldn't. There was no point in longing for what he had already passed up.
"I'm sure they'll get him." She encouraged. "They have to." She smiled tentatively, a smile that brightened the darkest of Hotch's days.
He knew it was too late. He did. But he couldn't stop the words from flowing effortlessly through his mouth. For the first time in his life, he had began speaking before he thought and it was going to get him in trouble. "JJ, I've got something to tell you." He wanted to die as he heard himself. He was really going to do this.
"Alright, go ahead." JJ said sweetly.
Hotch gulped. He hadn't planned on doing this, but it was the leap, and he needed her to know, if only just once. Even if it didn't change her decision, he couldn't live in the world of 'could have beens' anymore. "I-uh-I'm in love with you." His stomach dropped at the confession. What he had been hiding for so long was now out in the open. The ball was in her court, and this terrified him.
"What?" JJ choked out. Her heart both fell and rose simultaniously. She had wanted so badly to hear these words from him and now, she didn't know where to go from here.
"I just-- I-- For a while now, I've found myself having feelings for you." He admitted awkwardly.
"But--I'm--I'm getting married." JJ said, resolving herself. "I'm getting married in three weeks Aaron. You don't think you could've told me this sooner?"
"I wasn't ever going to tell you." He whispered. "But I need to do it at least once."
"What do you want me to say to that?" She asked quietly.
"What I want you to say and what you need to say are to very different things." He stated, knowing that he had come out the loser. It wasn't her fault, he just had waited to long.
"I love Will." She said, more trying to convince herself than speak to him.
"I know." He nodded, before growing bold. "But you love me too."
JJ groaned at his suggestion, while every fiber of her being ached to deny it, she couldn't. "That doesn't matter right now."
"How does that not matter?" He asked increadlously. "You love me and you're going to marry him. How is that the right decision?"
"I said I would. I promised I would. I made my decision." She felt tears swelling up in her eyes, but she fought them hard. She couldn't let him see her cry. "I chose him."
"Choices change." Hotch said stubbornly. He couldn't believe the complete 180 he had done. Before he had swore he wouldn't put her in this position, and now, here they were.
"Mine don't. You and I haven't even been on a real date. Will and I have a son together. It only makes sense." JJ explained in a pained voice.
The pair was shocked out of their painful conversation as a red truck pulled up next to them.
"Hey there." Will called happily as he rolled down the window. "Come on Jayje, hop in."
JJ nodded and complied while Hotch sat there, stunned.
"That was awfully nice of you to stay with her." Will smiled, though he was tempted not to. Whenever JJ was around Hotch, her head was somewhere entirely else when she spoke with him. He didn't like another man being able to influence her like that.
As JJ shut the door tightly, she breathed in deep. She would have to block out everything she had just heard. She had to. There was no way for her to make it through this otherwise.
"What's wrong Darlin'? You look like you've seen a ghost." He asked worriedly as he saw the pain in her countenance. He drove away quickly, hoping that getting her away from Hotch would solve her problem.
She had seen a ghost. She had seen her happiness die and come back with a few simple words, now to be burried forever. Now that she wasn't holding them in, she felt the first involuntary tear come down her face.
"Seriously, what happened?" Will questioned again.
"You're going to hate me." JJ whispered.
"Sweetie, that isn't possible." He assured her.
"Don't be nice." JJ snapped. "It only makes it worse."
"What did you do?" He felt the rage rile within him. "You didn't sleep with him, did you?"
"No." JJ shouted. "I didn't sleep with him. I just wanted to."
"What?" Will grunted. "You what?"
"Nothing happened." JJ maintained through the tears. "I just--I just wanted--"
"JJ, we are getting married in less than a month. Its high time you decide what you want. Because if this is your way of being in a commited relationship, I don't know what we are going to do." Will spoke quietly and seriously, piercing through her and her guilty conscience. "I am going to kill Aaron Hotchner, what did he say to you?"
"Nothing that I didn't want to hear." JJ admitted. "I'm such a whore. I'm engaged--"
"You love him." Will asked, though it wasn't really a question.
"I don't want to." JJ informed him, though she knew it was too little.
"Level with me JJ. Do you love me?" Will asked after a few moments of silence.
"Yes." She said.
"Do you love me more than Aaron Hotchner?" He asked again.
JJ sat still for a moment.
"I can't believe this." He muttered.
"I didn't say I was." JJ retorted angrily.
"You paused, that says it well enough." He said, definitely livid at the hand of cards he had just been dealt. "I'll ask you one more time. Do you love him more?"
JJ felt a large clog settle with in her throat. "Will, I don't know how I feel, and this doesn't make sense, but--"
"Then what are we doing here?" He moaned. "Are you sure that this isn't just cold feet?"
JJ nodded again, her heart aching for what she was doing.
"Do you still want to get married?" Will mused.
"I do love you." JJ whimpered. "I just--"
"JJ, I love you too. And I could storm away or kick you out of the car and go and murder your boyfriend, but none of that gives me what I want. I want you. So make up your mind, what in the world do you want?" He insisted. "where do we go from here?"
As Hotch heard the door knock, he got up to answer it lethargically. It had been two hours since his pathetic display of emotion and he was very much regretting it. He'd hurt the one person he cared about and it made him sick. He was too late, he had known that, but that didn't stop him from opening his big mouth and ruining everything.
As he opened the door, he saw the tear stained face of the woman he loved. "JJ." He muttered though she seemed to be a dream. To anyone else, she would have been the most frightening sight ever, but he swore he had never seen anything so beautiful. "What are you doing here?"
"Can I come in?" She asked nervously. She knew it was obvious that she had been crying but, she didn't mind. She had to resolve this once and for all.
"Absolutely." He stuttered, letting her inside. Even her smell enticed him closer, though he knew that he shouldn't. He had already caused enough trouble for one night.
"I--" JJ breathed in. "I love you too."
"JJ, those things I said." He stopped dead in his tracks. "I said that because I'm selfish. I cared more about the state of my psyche than your well-being and that's---" He was cut off by her sweet kiss.
"I've wanted to do that for a while." She admitted. "I just--"
"Will?" Hotch asked about the elephant in the room.
"Done." JJ informed. "He doesn't want me to marry him out of duty."
"Is that what you want? To be done with him?" Hotch asked worriedly.
JJ nodded quietly, soaking in the fullness of the moment. Without warning, his met hers fiercely, making up for all the time they had lost. For the first time, what Hotch wanted was within reach and his kiss kept her there. Here he thought he would never have her as his own and now--now his lips were doing what they had longed for.
After an eternity that felt like mere moments, the pair seperated, more whole than they had been in a while. "I thought I was too late."
JJ shook her head. "Its never too late for anything." She kissed him again, her fingers toying with the muscles of his back. Her fingers free of the ring that had bound them. This, this felt right. "Where do we go from here?" This time, that phrase carried a different connotation. It carried freedom opposed to guilt, and JJ was ready for that.
"Well, I think we could start with a real date." Hotch said smiling.
"Really?" JJ chuckled.
"Yes." He smiled, positive that he didn't know where this relationship would lead them, but certain that he wanted to try. "Jennifer Jareau, will you go out with me?"
"It is the logical option."
"Yes, I guess it is." He said, confident in that moment that nothing else mattered.
For the record, I don't condone leaving your fiance weeks before your wedding. With that said, I couldn't help myself. Let me know what you thought.