Title: Library of Superheroes
Rating: T
Pairings: hints of some pairings
Summary: The Legion of Superheroes working at a Library? Join them in their last Job!fic at the library! WARNING: VERY CRUDE HUMOR
Warning: VERY CRUDE HUMOR
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. This piece of writing is not meant as infringement and LoSH belongs to its respective owners.
Author's Note: Heya! I want to thank my LEGION ASSISTANT, Bffl for giving the library idea and what everyone can do in the library.
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"Okay, everyone!" Cosmic Boy announced. "Legion Headquarters is complete!" Cheers were heard all around. "But…" everyone groaned.
"Let me guess, we have to get jobs again, right?" Phantom Girl asked. "Can I work with Timber Wolf?" she linked arms with him and he rolled his eyes.
"Where are working this time- the Library?" Kell asked sarcastically.
"Actually, Kell that's a great idea! The city requires us to some volunteer work and-"
"Are you saying that saving the universe doesn't count as volunteer work?" Lightning Lad scoffed. "We don't even get paid! What about the other jobs we've worked?" he asked.
"We start working at the library tomorrow!" Cosmic Boy said excitedly.
The next day, everyone was gathered around the New Metropolis Library. They had worn civilian clothing, to avoid the uniforms that Cosmic Boy had undoubtedly prepared. Cosmic Boy walked towards the group with clothing in his hands.
"Aw!" he groaned. "Do you know how long it took to get uniforms in your sizes?" Cosmic Boy held up some lederhosen.
"Lederhosen?" Timber Wolf asked. "Not that I would know what that stuff is…clearly I don't," he ignored the blush that crept up his neck. Phantom Girl patted him on the back, sympathetically, trying her best not to laugh.
"It's theme week at the library-" Cosmic Boy explained.
"And the theme is lederhosen, interesting," Triplicate Girl finished.
"Anyway, the jobs are-" Cosmic Boy started as they walked into the library.
"I'll start cleaning the bathrooms," Cham morphed into a plunger and hopped off.
"As I was say-" Cosmic Boy was interrupted, yet again.
"I am not working the front desk!" Kell exclaimed.
"WHAT'S WITH ALL OF THE INTERRUPTING?" Cosmic Boy yelled. "Ahem, the jobs are as follows…"
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"I am going to hurt Cosmic Boy. I am going to hurt Cosmic Boy." Timber Wolf chanted to himself.
"Come on, it's not that bad! All we have to do is to help people find books and stuff they need," Phantom Girl assured.
"Hence the name, Help Desk?" Timber Wolf smirked.
"Ooh! Cookies!" a little girl ran up to the Help Desk to get a cookie. Timber Wolf had prepared some, just in case. "AH! Don't eat me!" she shrieked.
Phantom Girl tried to suppress her laughter, but was unsuccessful. "Don't worry! Brin won't eat you!" Phantom Girl told the little girl.
"If anything, watch out for Tinya," Timber Wolf told the girl. She nodded weakly. "Can we help you with something?"
"I'm looking for a book on the Cybernetic 4000," she asked.
"Isn't that like college level?" Phantom Girl asked. The little girl shrugged.
"It's going to be right here," Timber Wolf handed her a slip of paper.
"Thanks," she said nervously.
"Next," Phantom Girl said.
"I need to find a book on lederhosen," a young boy said. Timber Wolf and Phantom Girl helped many more people in the next hour.
"Sir, my daughter was looking for a book on the Cybernetic 4000, you gave her directions to this book," the man held up a green, hardcover book that read Secret Sex Lives of Superheroes. "I'm contacting the government." He tossed the book onto the counter and left, grumbling.
Behind him was a rotund woman that was red with anger. "You folks gave my son a book that shouldn't even be in this library!" she stomped off, dropping the red book in Timber Wolf's lap.
"Uh…" Timber Wolf handed Phantom Girl the book, which read Legion of Superheroes: Sex Lives Revealed.
Phantom Girl burst into laughter as lines of angry parents scolded Timber Wolf for giving their children inappropriate content.
"This stuff is offending! It's degrading! I can't believe people get paid to write this sprock," Phantom Girl said hotly as she flipped through How Legionnaires… Do It. "It's strangely entertaining, though."
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Brainy. Are you sure it's a good idea to rearrange the order of all the books in the library?" Shrinking Violet asked.
"It's much more effective this way. Plus the Dewey Decimal System is at least 1000 years old!" Brainy's fingers were going in all sorts of directions as he reorganized the kid bookshelves.
"Excuse me," a little girl tugged on the hem of Shrinking Violet's skirt. She bent down to the girl's height and smiled.
"Can I help you?" Violet asked.
"Is it true that you like Brainiac 5?" the girl asked. Violet blushed. "This book says that you like him," the girl handed Violet a book that read Pixie and Robot: The Insider Secrets of Shrinking Violet and Brainiac 5's Relationship.
"Sweetie, why are you reading this? It's for adults," Shrinking Violet told the girl and she walked off, leaving Violet and Brainy.
Shrinking Violet flipped through the book, oblivious that Brainy was behind her. His eyes widened.
"Maybe I shouldn't have reorganized the library," Brainy said nervously as he scratched the back of his neck.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"I hate kids," Kell complained. "I'd rather be a receptionist than this."
Superman and Kell were assigned to watch the children in the Kid's Reading Area. Superman was naturally good with children, so he was having a blast. Kell, on the other hand was not.
"Mister, can you read this book to me?" a little boy asked Kell. He sighed and lifted the kid onto his lap. Kell opened the book and started reading out of the large, blue hardcover.
"Ahem, Once upon a time, The Legion of Superheroes are walking org-" Kell started, but then suddenly stopped. "Um…why don't you get another book? This book is for adults."
"But my Mommy said I was 3 reading levels above average," the little boy told Kell as he held up five fingers. Kell pushed two fingers down and let the kid off of his lap.
"Just pick another book," Kell said.
"I'll get a picture book and we can look at the pictures together!" the little boy said excitedly.
After sometime, the child came back, holding up a black, paperback book. He sat on Kell's lap and gave the book to him.
"Here, I can't pronounce the name of the book, but all of my big brother's friends liked it, so it should be good," he smiled. Kell sighed and opened the book. One glance at the provocative images of the female members of the Legion led Kell to close the book and put it behind him.
A young woman walked up to Kell and hit him upside the head wit her purse. "How dare you let my son look at that smut!" she picked up the child and left. The little boy waved to Kell, who was rubbing his head.
"What happened?" Superman asked. Kell tossed the black book to Superman, who used his x-ray vision.
"Um…" Superman blushed.
"Why is there this kind of stuff in the kid's section?" Kell asked him. Superman shrugged. "Whatever, I'm going to the help desk and asking."
Kell walked over to where Phantom Girl and Timber Wolf were sitting and rung the bell that was on the desk.
"Do you guys realize that there's…colorful art in the kid's section?" Kell asked. "I don't like kids, but I don't like angry mothers with purses full of rocks, either."
"Yeah," Phantom Girl said. "I think that Brainy is reorganizing the library… I hope he fixes the problem."
"Me too, I would appreciate not being screamed at," Timber Wolf said. Kell smirked as he tossed the black book into the overflowing trash can.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"AH!" Cham screamed. He was yet again hit with another book. "Watch where you throw things!"
"Sorry," Kell called back.
Cham rubbed his head and continued sorting the recycling. There was paper, plastic and trash. The paper pile was overflowing. Apparently, a lot of books had been deemed 'inappropriate' and were constantly being thrown in the trash can. Consequentially, Cham was sorting the trash inside the trash can.
"Why are these valuable books being thrown away?" Cham asked himself curiously. He opened the black book that Kell had just thrown away and his eyes widened.
"Young man, you shouldn't be reading such filth!" an old woman hit him on the head with her purse.
"Ow," Cham said softly.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Wow," Lightning Lad said. "There sure is demand for these art collection books."
"I guess it's good that the children of today are interested in the arts," Saturn Girl responded.
"Yeah," Lightning Lad filled out a few forms. Both of them were in charge of ordering books. They had to look at what books the library needed and what books were in high demand.
"These art books sure are expensive," Lightning Lad mumbled.
"I think it would just be cheaper to write the books, since we're on a budget and everything," Saturn Girl suggested.
Lightning Lad went to open the new shipment of 'art books', and dropped one and it opened, revealing a very provocative picture of Saturn Girl.
"Uh…don't come here, Saturn Girl!" Lightning Lad exclaimed nervously.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Shh!" Cosmic Boy shushed some little kids. "Man this is fun!"
"Be quiet!" he told some other teenagers.
"No talking!" he told another set of kids. As he walked around the library, he kept on finding people to boss around.
"Why didn't I become a librarian?" he asked himself. "I thought I told you kids to be quiet!"
A little girl walked up to Cosmic Boy and held up a book. "Can you help me?" she asked.
Cosmic Boy sighed. "Fine," he grumbled.
"What does this mean?" she gave him the book. Cosmic Boy looked over it and his eyes widened.
"Th-This is a-a…I-It means…It's for adults," Cosmic Boy stuttered and walked away, tossing the book in the trash.
"Watch it!" screamed Cham.
"Sorry," Cosmic Boy muttered.
"Mommy! That mean librarian took my book!" the little girl whispered to her mother.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
"Why are we doing this again?" Bouncy Boy asked.
"You're so funny, Bouncy!" White Triplicate Girl said.
"We're doing this because Cosmic Boy is total jerk!" Purple exclaimed.
"Huh?" Bouncing Boy said.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to find information on 1500 clothes?" Orange answered.
"Not only that, but we have to write about it too!" Purple added.
"Who cares about lederhosen?" White exclaimed.
"Look at it this way, it could be worse," Bouncing Boy suggested.
"How?" they all said at once.
"We could have to write about…" he thought for a minute. "our sex lives."
All three of them nodded with agreement and continued working.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
At the end of the day, everyone had gathered outside of the library to hear their daily report.
"10 bucks say we have to get jobs again," Phantom Girl whispered to Timber Wolf.
"Ahem," Cosmic Boy started. "WHO IN SPROCK REORGANIZED THE LIBRARY? There were despicable things in kids' area and I couldn't find a single book on lederhosen!"
"Thank god," Triplicate Girl murmured.
"On another note, I have good news and I have bad news," Cosmic Boy said calmly.
"What's the bad news?" Cham asked.
"The bad news is that we…" he sniffled. "We won't be able to work at the library, ever again, as per the government and a few million parent's orders."
Everyone cheered.
"The good news is that we are ready to go back home!" Cosmic Boy said excitedly. Everyone cheered again.
"How'd we do today?" Bouncing Boy asked.
"All of you guys did a horrible job today. There wasn't a single kid who didn't read adult content and there wasn't a single mother who didn't hit someone on the head with their purse."
"At least we don't have to get jobs again," Kell reminded.
Well, it looks like the Job!fics are over. Thanks to everyone who read the story! I'm sorry about the crude humor…if you guys want more, visit the LoSH RPG on the Forum. Please leave a review!