A/N: My apologies to Oliver Queen, who just needed to Get Out Of The Way. If you're interested in a mix, you can find it on my tumblr (same url/tagged/scm).
i. there's a promise I've made that I can't keep
The day Felicity was to be released from the hospital, Sara sat hunched in the chair beside her bed, waiting for her to wake up. Feet flat on the floor, she leaned her forearms on her thighs, hands clasped and her thumbs beating a quick tattoo against her fingers. She could have woken her, but the girl needed her rest, and besides Sara wasn't all that excited about the conversation they were about to have.
She had no idea how long she'd been sitting there, her head hung low as she stared at the floor, her ears tuned to Felicity's breathing.
When the rhythm changed, became uneven, and Felicity's hair rustled against the pillow, she knew she was waking up, but she didn't look up until she heard a soft, incredulous, "Sara?"
"Hi." She met Felicity's eyes, curved her lips in an approximation of a smile that Felicity did not return.
"What are you doing here?"
"Taking you home, hopefully."
Felicity shook her head and Sara sighed, looking back down at the floor, her fingers twisting tightly around each other.
"You went away," Felicity said. "If you're back, it must be—something's wrong."
Sara winced, looking at Felicity in that hospital bed and frowning hard, and Felicity rolled her eyes, turning her face away and firming her jaw.
"Something else," she said pointedly. "Something bigger."
"Jesus, Felicity."
"Just tell me." Her expression didn't change, but silent tears started sliding down her face. "Is he gone?"
"He's—" God, this was awful. She would fantasize about kicking Oliver's ass if it wasn't more likely to end in his death. "He asked me to look after you. Just for a little while. If you—I mean—" She reached forward, resting her elbows on the edge of the bed and wrapping both of her hands around one of Felicity's, praying she wouldn't pull it away.
Instead, Felicity blinked at her tears, turning her face back but not quite meeting Sara's eyes, not pulling away either.
"It's your call, Felicity. You need some help, but it doesn't have to be from me. Ollie just—I guess we both thought that maybe it would be easier… It doesn't have to be me. I can find someone else."
Felicity shook her head, meeting Sara's eyes and then covering hers with her other hand, her shoulders shaking on a sob. "I just want him. I—God, I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I just…" She cried silently and Sara scraped her chair closer, squeezing Felicity's hand tight.
"Hey, if there's one thing I can promise you, it's that I'm never gonna judge you for having emotions. You can cry every day, you can scream and throw things, just don't shut it down. I'm sorry I can't… change this. But I'm here, if you'll let me be."
Wiping at her face with one hand, she returned Sara's squeeze with the other and said, "You gonna carry me around?"
"Hell yeah. Just call me Wonder Woman." She smiled, more genuine this time, and hesitated before saying, "It doesn't have to be weird, right?"
Felicity smiled back, even if it was half-hearted. "I trust you, Sara. I guess, if… yeah, I can't think of anyone else I'd want it to be."
That was a relief. Sara rocked forward in her chair, planting her hands on the edge of the bed, but paused before standing. "I know you've been working with the physical therapists on basic tasks. Is there anything you need help with right now?"
Sighing, Felicity glanced around, seeming to go down a mental checklist. "Can you pass me…" She pointed. "That bag. I can get myself dressed, transfer from the bed to the chair, and do all the bathroom stuff. It might take me a while, but I can do it."
"Barely need me at all, then," Sara said, standing up and passing Felicity the bag.
"I'm guessing Oliver didn't only call on you for your nursing skills."
She shrugged at that, before remembering the phone Oliver had given her for Felicity. Picking up the small bag she'd left by her chair, she drew out the device and held one corner of it, offering it to Felicity. "You're not gonna like this."
Taking the phone, Felicity unlocked it and rapidly scrolled through the apps and contacts. It held none of her usual tech apps and her contacts were family, Diggle's personal cell, and nothing for Oliver at all. "He knows I could find all of this again in like, ten minutes, right?"
"I guess he was hoping you wouldn't."
"Whatever. I can't even think about that right now. Home, right?"
"Right. I'll leave you to get dressed, text me when you're all set and I'll grab the doc and bring him in for your discharge instructions. Then back to your apartment, unless you'd rather go somewhere else. I'm told there are stairs."
"I really just want to be in my own bed," Felicity muttered, pushing off the bed to get into a sitting position.
"Okay. See you in a few." Sara went out into the hall, heading for the nurses station and asking them to page Felicity's doctor. She didn't even want to know how Oliver had managed to get her onto Felicity's file, giving her full access to her medical care, but it made this a lot easier.
The doctor was busy and Felicity hadn't texted, so she wandered up and down a few hallways, trying not to look like a miscreant. When she got the text, she made her way back to Felicity's room, finding her seated in her chair and looking nearly as beautifully put-together as she always did.
Sara hopped up on the bed and Felicity turned the chair to face her, and Sara said, "You're already better at wheelchair fashion than I am at dressing myself on a regular basis." She swung her feet, jeans in black boots and a long-sleeved tee her outfit of choice, and Felicity cocked her head to the side. "You know that's a thing. Wheelchair fashion shows. Wheelchair sports."
Felicity rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "I still need to figure out how to make a right-hand turn without running into a wall. Let's stick a pin in that."
The doctor was taking a long time, which was typical. Sara really, really didn't like hospitals. She was starting to get fidgety on the bed, so she got up and walked over to the window.
"Are you sure you don't have somewhere else you'd rather be?"
She half-turned back, offering Felicity a lopsided smile, and said, "I'd rather be out of this hospital, but other than that, I'm in it for the long haul, lady."
Felicity nodded, folding her hands in her lap and looking down at them, and Sara turned back to the window, feeling itchy.
The doctor came in then, and Felicity waved off Sara's offer of privacy. Her discharge instructions were a lot of, take it easy, make use of your pain medication, keep up with physical therapy, and don't push yourself too hard. You're still recovering from surgery, and even though I know you want to be able to do everything right away, you need to go slow.
Sara watched Felicity's face, but manners kept it blank until the doctor had handed over her discharge folder and left, at which point it twisted into a grimace as she stared down at the folder on her lap. Crossing the room, Sara laid her hand on Felicity's shoulder.
"How's that sound?"
Felicity just shook her head, starting to push herself toward the door and then through it, making her way down the hall as Sara trailed behind, wishing she could at least offer to push her to the elevator. She didn't even try, Felicity's grim determination clear, and let her set the pace. They stopped by the pharmacy, the medical bills already paid over the phone, and then Sara had to direct Felicity to the parking garage.
When they arrived at Sara's SUV—well, the SUV Oliver had provided her, complete with parking placards—Sara opened the passenger door and crouched down beside Felicity's chair. She was frowning into space, and Sara just watched her for a moment before saying, "Is it okay if I pick you up?"
Face set, she nodded once, sharply, and Sara sighed again, brushing Felicity's hair away from her neck and then smoothing her hand over Felicity's back, slipping her other arm under Felicity's knees and lifting her into the car. She eased the door closed just enough for Felicity to reach, leaving her to attach her own seatbelt, and stored the chair in the back of the vehicle.
The process was the same at the other end of the trip—ask permission, lift her into the chair, follow behind as she made her way into the building and up to the apartment. Just inside the door, Sara asked Felicity to wait as she did a walk-through. The place was enormous, which pissed her off a little more, and when she checked the upstairs she found that Oliver had set up a bed for her in the office. Asshole.
Jogging back down the stairs, she found Felicity with the same frown on her face, her hands folded tight in her lap. "You know your face is gonna freeze like that," she said, dropping into a crouch.
Felicity rolled her eyes, but smiled a little, and Sara grinned. Waving her hand, Felicity said, "We safe?"
"All good. How are you feeling? Options are hungry/sleepy/in pain/annoyed by your presence and ready for you to disappear, although I'm not even sure where I'd disappear to in this place. Do you have any rooms with doors?"
That got a real smile, and Felicity shook her head a little as she looked at Sara, reaching for her hand, which Sara gladly handed over. "I guess I'm hungry," she said. "I should probably try to get onto a normal sleep schedule at some point."
Sara widened her eyes in an exaggerated expression of confusion. "What the hell is that? Normal sleep schedule… Jesus, I don't even know what time zone I'm in."
"You'll have to tell me where you've been," Felicity said casually, taking her hand back to wheel herself into the kitchen, opening the fridge and peering inside.
Sara came up behind her and found it was fully stocked—asshole—and said, "What do you feel like? I can make stir fry, pasta…" She thought for a second, looking over the contents of the fridge. "Soup, uh… something very boring and healthy…"
Turning ninety degrees, Felicity wheeled out from in front of her and said, "Let's save boring and healthy for a day when I haven't just gotten out of the hospital. Stir fry would be amazing." She moved around to the other side of the dining table, pulling up close and crossing her arms on the surface, setting her head down on top of them.
Sara turned away from the fridge with an armful of ingredients and dumped them on the counter. "If you're tired…" she started, and Felicity shook her head without picking it up.
"I just woke up, like, two hours ago."
Rolling her eyes, Sara didn't bother to argue, finding the wok and getting it sizzling. By the time she brought two full plates over to the table, Felicity was fast asleep, and she had to war with herself over whether sleep or food was more important. In this instance, she chose food, setting the plates down and then crouching beside Felicity, rubbing her back and saying softly, "Hey, babe."
"Hmm?" Felicity sat up, blinking broadly in that way that was supposed to make it look like you were never asleep but instead just looked like a startled owl, with her crooked glasses completing the look. "What? I'm awake."
"Sure you are. Food's up."
She reached for her plate, sliding it in front of her and starting to eat, and Sara was pretty sure she was still mostly asleep.
They ate in silence for a while, Felicity blinking at her plate like she wasn't really seeing it, and then Sara asked, "You need another pill?"
"Huh?" Felicity looked up, taking a second to process. "I dunno. I think the folder says."
The folder was on the breakfast bar where Sara had left it when they'd come in, so she got up and brought it back to the table, reading through it as she finished her meal. Felicity had given up at some point, pushing her plate away and putting her head back down, and Sara watched her for a moment before looking back down at the folder. She'd been given a pill in the morning, then had taken one when they got her prescription, so she had about two hours, which was probably why she was sleepy now.
Sara set an alarm on her phone for two hours from now, figuring that if Felicity was awake she could take it then, and if not then whenever she woke up. Picking up the plates, Sara carried them over to the kitchen and stuck the leftovers in the fridge, putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher since Oliver apparently had enough dishes to feed an army in this place.
At Felicity's side once again, Sara put her hand on her back and said, "Hey, you asleep?"
Felicity groaned, and Sara rubbed her hand up and down.
"You can sleep on the couch or in your bed, but not here."
"That's…" Felicity started, sitting up slowly and squinting at Sara. "…arbitrary."
Sara snorted. "I think it's the opposite of arbitrary, actually. Your choice, though."
She actually thought about it seriously for a minute, then said, "Bed sounds good. Bed sounds really good."
"Okay," Sara said, standing up. "So I'm thinking I carry you up first, put you in bed, then come back down for the chair and leave it by the bed. Will you be okay to get to the upstairs bathroom?"
Felicity yawned, and Sara tugged her chair back from the table slightly.
"You can get yourself to the stairs if your pride outweighs your sleepiness, or I can pick you up here."
Eyes closed, Felicity yawned again and said, "Wonder Woman?"
"All right, I'm gonna pick you up."
Felicity nodded, though she could have just been nodding off to sleep, and Sara lifted her out of the chair again, adjusting for a second as Felicity wrapped her arms around Sara's neck. There was a sleepy weight to her now, her body soft in Sara's arms, and she—consciously or unconsciously—nuzzled her face into Sara's neck, her breaths already slowing down.
Sara took a deep breath, blinking hard, and then walked to the stairs and up, turning into the master bedroom and bending with Felicity still in her arms to drag the blanket out of the way, laying Felicity down on the sheet, making sure her head was comfortably on the pillow and her body was lying straight and she wasn't tangled up in the blankets, pulling them up over her and then fussing over her glasses and hair until Felicity swatted her away.
"Sleep," Felicity murmured, and Sara breathed, "Right," straightening up and looking her over once more before heading back downstairs. She carried the chair up, then jogged back down for a glass of water, one of Felicity's pills, and her phone, leaving those on the bedside table. Then she just hovered over the bed for a bit, like a total creep, watching Felicity sleep in what looked like peace, her face still drawn, her lips pale.
Sighing, Sara turned away, running her hands through her hair as she walked back downstairs, slowly this time, highly aware of her phone in her pocket just in case Felicity needed her. She didn't really know what she was going to do now that Felicity was asleep, hadn't really thought that far ahead, only getting as far as make sure she's okay make sure she's okay make sure she's okay and now she was ostensibly okay, so…
Maybe a movie, if she could find the entertainment system that was probably hidden behind a wall somewhere, although there actually weren't that many walls in this place, so it was more likely to rise out of the floor… Fuck it, that wasn't happening. She moved to the windows, instead, contemplating the balcony and deciding she didn't want to risk leaving hearing range.
ii. all my regret testifies that I am far from flawless
She was just staring over the lights of the city, completely spaced out for who knows how long, when she heard from above, "Hel—Help! Help!" Before she could form a conscious thought, she was across the room and barrelling up the stairs, clearing the bedroom—Felicity still asleep, probably a nightmare but she cleared the rest of the upper floor anyway before rushing back to Felicity's side and falling to her knees.
Still asleep, but her face pinched and her muscles tensed, hands curled into fists at her side. Sara assessed the situation, wondering how to wake her without one of those fists coming for her face, and shifted to the side, laying a hand on her shoulder from behind, applying gentle pressure and saying softly, "Hey, wake up, it's okay, wake up."
Her eyes flew open, her hands flattening against the mattress, and she looked around the room quickly before seeing Sara and reaching for her with both arms. Sara moved into them, wrapping her own arms around Felicity's back as it rose off the mattress, and pressed lightly until Felicity was flat on the bed again, Sara curving over her and holding her tight.
"Hey, you okay?" Sara said in the same soft tone, and Felicity shuddered in her arms.
"Sorry, I'm sorry, I—"
"It's okay, it's okay."
"Nightmare," she said, gulping air, though she made no effort to put space between them or let go of Sara, "but it's real, it's real, it—"
"What's real?"
Felicity's arms loosened, letting Sara move back far enough to see her face, and Sara sat on the edge of the bed, keeping one arm wrapped around Felicity's waist, her hip pressed against the other side. Felicity's expression was distraught, and Sara brought her other hand up to stroke over her cheek, gratified when Felicity closed her eyes and sighed at the touch.
"I was—" Felicity started, her speech halting. "Pinned. I don't know what. On the ground. My legs pinned. Nobody there. I couldn't move them—I was trapped—alone—but I woke up and—" She gestured down the bed, eyes still closed but tears seeping out from under her lashes. "It's real. It's real."
Sara bent down again, laying her upper body over Felicity's, and spoke into her ear. "You're not alone. You're not trapped."
"I'm useless," she sobbed, her arms coming up around Sara as she cried into her shoulder, and Sara waited for her to exhaust herself before moving back again, cupping her face.
"You'll never be useless. As long as I'm around, you'll never be trapped. If this whole damn building comes down on us, I'll find you. Okay?"
Felicity blinked at her for a moment, then closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. "Can you just—can—can you just stay with me a little while?"
"Yeah," Sara said. "Of course."
Without opening her eyes, Felicity reached for the other side of the bed, patting the mattress there, and said, "Can you—"
"Oh. Yeah. Okay." She reached down, tugging off her boots, and circled the bed, climbing in on the other side and then hesitating. Felicity opened her eyes then, turning her beseeching gaze, and Sara closed hers, taking a deep breath and then sliding forward, wrapping her arm around Felicity's waist and closing the space between their bodies.
Keeping her eyes closed, Sara focused on her breathing, evening it out and struggling against the weight on her chest that wanted to keep it shallow.
"Thank you," Felicity said, and she knew it was worth it.
Sara slept for a few hours, waking up when it was still dark and slipping out of bed to stand at the window. She was just staring again, losing time, when she heard from behind her, "You sure you wouldn't rather be out there?"
Blinking back into herself, she turned to the bed and crossed the floor, climbing in and then stopping, her face asking if it was still okay for her to be there. Felicity nodded, reaching one hand out for her waist, and Sara slid a little closer, her head on the pillow.
"You know what happens when I'm out there," she said darkly, not meeting Felicity's eyes. "I'd much, much rather be here." She was only close enough for Felicity's fingertips to brush her stomach, and Felicity moved her hand down, tugging at the hem of her shirt until Sara moved closer and then reaching up for her face, tracing the outline of it with light fingers.
"I'm happy you're here," Felicity said honestly, and Sara had to close her eyes, swallowing past the lump in her throat, thinking that maybe this was a mistake, maybe she was too far gone, maybe she should have kept her distance like she'd been doing for so long, but knowing at the same time that she would never leave Felicity here. No matter what it took out of her.
They slept again, Sara woken this time by whimpers from a still-asleep Felicity. Her face was twisted up in pain, and Sara leaned up on one arm, said, "Baby," and then clamped her eyes shut, biting down hard on her bottom lip. "Felicity," she tried again, her hand moving automatically to Felicity's face, saying her name again and cupping her cheek, brushing her thumb over the skin until Felicity woke up with a groan.
"I've got your pill here," Sara said, sitting up and putting her own pillow behind Felicity's head, bracing herself and then dragging Felicity up into a sitting position despite her moans of pain. She reached past her for the pill and the glass of water, tapping her index finger against Felicity's mouth and putting the pill on her tongue once she'd opened, carefully holding the glass up to her mouth and helping her drink it down.
Putting the glass back down, she pressed her forehead to Felicity's cheek, her hand flat against the other side of her face, and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
Felicity was taking deep breaths, the occasional whimper sneaking out, but she groped around for Sara's other hand, squeezing it tight.
Sara couldn't do anything about the pain, the interminable minutes until the pill kicked in, so she started talking, said, "I went to see my mom, first, in Central City, but then I needed to be further away, be around people who didn't know how I was supposed to be. I thought about all the places in the world I could go, thought about how a normal person would go somewhere warm, so I did the opposite, flew to Greenland, to Sweden and Finland and tiny countries I'd never heard of like Estonia and Latvia, places that were nothing like anywhere I'd ever been.
"It never got dark. I liked that. When it gets dark at night, my instinct is to put on a mask, so when it was two a.m. and still twilight, when people were wandering around like it was the middle of the day… it never felt like I was shirking my duty. That was nice."
She sighed, her hand slipping down Felicity's neck, smoothing over the skin and then stroking her hair, her forehead still resting against Felicity's cheek but turning so it was her temple. "I went to bars, never drank anything but looked for anyone who spoke English and just listened to them. Didn't say much about myself. The older guys… they had a lot of war stories. Living there… it's nothing like here. Everything remembers the wars. Old buildings in ruins, the newer buildings Soviet concrete blocks, asbestos in the walls. Everyone's poor, but proud. Dignified. I guess I learned a lot."
Felicity was finally relaxing, her tight grip easing on Sara's hand and then wrapping around, pulling it into her lap and laying her other hand on top, and Sara slumped against the headboard. She just breathed for a few seconds, trying to reduce her own tension, then felt around for her phone.
"I'm putting in an alarm for every four hours," Sara said. "I'm waking you up if you're asleep. We're not doing this again."
"I'm okay," Felicity said faintly. "I've had worse."
"Yeah, never again."
"Okay."
They stayed in bed a little longer, until Sara started to feel like she was crossing a line just by being there, and then she rolled over and off, circling around again to get her boots. "Are you okay to get dressed if I go for a run?" she asked, not looking at Felicity.
"Sure."
"Okay, I'll be back soon. Text me if you need anything," and she was gone, jogging down the stairs and out the door, taking the elevator down and then running way too hard, not even pretending to pace herself, running herself ragged and then finding a bench to collapse on, staring at the sky.
This was fucked, and maybe she never should have agreed to it, but how could she have said no? Oliver was trusting her, Felicity was trusting her, and she wanted so very badly to be worthy of that trust. Felicity needed her. She didn't have a choice.
She walked back, realizing she'd slept in yesterday's clothes and now she'd run in them too and was absolutely disgusting. Letting herself in, she climbed the stairs laboriously, finding Felicity dressed and seated in her chair, glasses on and back straight, reading a book beside the bed.
"Sorry," Sara said, and Felicity looked up and smiled. "I'm really gross, can you wait to eat? I could take you down but I'm afraid I'd transfer my stink." She wrinkled her nose, pulling her shirt away from her chest, and Felicity just grinned, waving her off.
The bathroom was its own kind of gauntlet, empty spaces where Oliver's toiletries should have been socking her in the gut and then Felicity's toiletries making her slightly dizzy as she picked up her bottle of shampoo and sniffed it, ashamed of herself.
She showered as quickly as possible, tying her hair up on top of her head and getting dressed before heading back out to take Felicity downstairs, taking her order for breakfast and then wolfing down her own.
"Any wildly exciting plans for your convalescence?" Sara asked when she was done, and Felicity raised an eyebrow.
"Maybe I'll write a novel."
"Now you're talking." They shared a smile, then Sara said, "You guys have Netflix? It's the perfect time to watch thirty-six hours of a TV show."
"I guess," Felicity said, not sounding thrilled about the idea. "I probably won't be up for much more than that today."
"You did just get out of the hospital."
"Right. I'm supposed to take it easy."
"What a nightmare."
Felicity rolled her eyes, pushing her half-finished plate away from her, and Sara frowned at it before taking the dishes back into the kitchen. When she was done cleaning up, she found Felicity over by the couch, waiting patiently although Sara had no idea what for as she walked slowly over to join her.
As she came into view, Felicity patted the cushion at one end of the couch and said, "I need you to sit here."
"Okay…" Sara replied, deciding to go along with it. Once Sara was seated, Felicity did what looked to her like a complicated manoeuver, pushing herself out of the chair and onto the sofa, lining her legs up in front of her, and finally Sara realized her purpose was as a backrest for Felicity. She'd thought she'd sit at her feet, or in a chair, but as Felicity leaned back against her and Sara wound her arm around Felicity's waist, this was definitely better.
Felicity had the remote, and the TV did in fact rise out of the floor. They scrolled through Netflix, neither of them wanting to commit to a genre, except that it couldn't be a superhero show and it couldn't be a cop show and it couldn't be a romance and it couldn't be a hospital show.
"The Good Wife?" Sara said. "How do we feel about courtrooms?"
Felicity groaned. "Too serious. Let me… Oh my God. The IT Crowd. Please, oh please, Sara." She twisted her head, giving her best puppy dog eyes, and Sara shook her head, smiling.
"That could not be more wasted on me."
Confused, Felicity dropped the face and squinted, saying, "What does that mean?"
"Um." Sara looked at the TV, wishing Felicity would just press play already. "Just that you don't, um, need to… uh, I mean, I'm… going to say yes. Doesn't really take any tricks." She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling like an idiot.
All Felicity said was, "Hm," turning back around and pressing play.
They managed to pass a week like that, Felicity actually getting surprisingly into the show (or not surprisingly, considering the subject matter) and even laughing occasionally. She was grieving, and Sara couldn't do anything about that, but she could make her meals and sit with her and let Felicity lean up against her when she needed to. Let her cry, like she told her she would, and hold onto her tight.
They fell into a routine, having breakfast and then watching a few hours of TV, lunch and then Felicity did her physical therapy and whatever else she wanted to while Sara went down to the building's gym. It was good to have some time apart, at least for Sara. Dinner, then more TV until Felicity was drooping, then upstairs to sleep.
Sara stopped pretending she was going to sleep in her own bed by midway through the second night, and whether she was tired or not she went to bed when Felicity did, so any nightmares she could spot were cut off at the knees. Of course, sometimes the nightmares stayed inside her head, didn't show on the outside, but Sara was there and never more than a few inches away and that was all she could do.
Day seven or eight, or around there, Sara came back from a grocery run to the sound of voices in the apartment and frowned, setting her bags down on the breakfast bar and walking into the lounge to find Felicity in her chair, alone.
"Were you talking to someone?" Sara asked, and Felicity darted a look to the side before looking back at Sara, not meeting her eyes.
"No."
Sara didn't need to look to know that there was no one there, and she dropped heavily onto the couch, watching Felicity as she tried not to keep looking over at the same spot a few feet to Sara's right. Quietly, she asked, "Do you want me to talk to your doctor about finding a medication that doesn't cause hallucinations?"
Felicity stared, her mouth dropping open, and started to say something before stopping herself and shaking her head. "I'm going to stop taking them." She glanced over again, then said to Sara, "Could you check upstairs for some ibuprofen?"
Nodding, Sara stood up and jogged to the stairs, calling over her shoulder as she went up, "You can talk to them, if you want. I don't mind."
When she came back down, she dropped the bottle of ibuprofen on the coffee table and sat back down on the couch, picking up a magazine and holding it up in front of her face as Felicity said, "I don't care, you aren't real," and turned her chair, starting to wheel in a big square around the lounge area, her version of pacing.
"That isn't true.
"I'm not going to believe you just because—I know that. I know!
"No. Oh, get over yourself.
"I know that too. You aren't—seriously, get over yourself.
"Obviously! Being angry all the time doesn't—no! It doesn't make you superior.
"You're pathetic. Yeah, no kidding.
"This is getting boring. At least tell me something I don't—
"How is that a bad thing? I know. I know, but—
"No, I'm not. I didn't—no, but he—no. I know.
"I wouldn't want to be like you. I don't think I ever was.
"You're mean. You're angry. I know, I know, but—
"You're still not real. You're not real and you're not smart and you don't know—
"Go, then. Yeah—yes! No, I don't. I have—no. I don't. You can—you—yes. No. Not me. Not—okay."
iii. always reckless, can I borrow your forgiveness?
Sara had been staring at the same page of her magazine for a long time when she felt something bump up against her knees and looked to see that Felicity had pulled her chair right up in front of her. Setting her magazine to the side, she smiled and reached her hand out for Felicity's.
"That was a lot of rolling. Are you exhausted?"
Felicity stared at Sara, squeezing her hand and then looking down, taking it in both hands and pressing with her thumbs, feeling the skin and flesh, bones and tendons. "You're real," she said.
"Thank you," Sara said, and Felicity looked up in surprise, almost smiling. "Sometimes I'm not sure."
"You are." Felicity nodded, tugging Sara's hand further into her lap so that Sara had to bend at the waist, holding it between both of hers like it was something precious, like she would keep it forever.
"Why don't you come on up here, ba—Felicity. Take a rest."
"Okay," Felicity said, not moving.
Sara waited a second, then said, "Do you want me to pick you up?"
She nodded, so Sara stood up, tugging her pants up her hips and then stretching briefly before bending to lift Felicity out of her chair. She wrapped her arms around Sara's neck, tighter than usual, her face tucked into Sara's neck, and Sara paused.
"Do you—you want on the couch, or on my lap?"
"Do you mind?" Felicity replied, voice muffled, and Sara had to take a breath when she felt Felicity's lips brush her skin.
"Not at all," she said, sitting down with Felicity on her lap, straightening out Felicity's legs and then wrapping her arms around Felicity's waist, sinking back into the couch.
Felicity rested her head on Sara's shoulder, one of her hands stroking over the hairs at the back of her neck, and Sara set her head back on the cushion, closing her eyes. After a while, Felicity said, "Do you think it's possible to love two people at the same time?"
"Yeah," Sara said instantly, the implication not hitting her until after she'd already added, "I mean, I have, but I don't—sometimes I'm not sure I ever stop loving the people I've loved." She turned Felicity's words over in her head, her stomach doing a flip, and said, "Why do you ask?"
She was quiet for a while, and then she said, "Do you think Oliver is ever coming back?"
"I don't know, baby. Unfortunately I think you'll have to ask him." It slipped out that time; she didn't even realize she'd said it until the room fell silent again.
"Do you think I should forgive him if he does?"
"I can't… Felicity, I can't."
"I know." She sighed, her breath warm on Sara's skin, and brushed her face against her neck, not nuzzling—definitely not nuzzling. "Do you think he would forgive us?"
Holy shit. Sara stopped breathing, and it was a long moment later when she said faintly, "I doubt it."
Another silence, then Felicity reached for her chair, one arm still around Sara's neck, and found her phone in the side pocket. She rested it on her thigh and Sara glanced down to see she'd pulled up Diggle's contact card, putting the phone to her ear a moment later and saying fondly, "Hey Digg. Yeah. Yeah." Her arm tightened slightly on Sara's neck. "Yeah, she's been—yeah. No. No, of course not. I know." A pause, and Felicity pressed her temple to Sara's cheek. "Listen, Digg—yeah. Well, yeah. I know. Tell him it's now or never. I know, but—okay. What? Shit, okay. No, it's fine. Thank you, really. Okay. Love you too. Bye."
She hung up the phone and breathed, "Fuck," turning her forehead against Sara's cheek and sitting there for a minute before saying, "He left while we were talking."
"Oh, God. Okay. You wanna be in your chair?"
Felicity nodded against her, so she shifted her arms, giving Felicity a second to adjust before standing up and setting Felicity down in her chair. She sat back down on the couch and reached for Felicity's hand, saying, "I'll go, but not far. Text me when you need me."
Felicity just nodded again, looking miserable, and Sara stood up, bending over to press a kiss to Felicity's forehead, cupping her face in her hand and staying there as long as she could before smoothing her hand over Felicity's hair and moving away.
She opened the door just as Oliver was reaching up to knock, and she froze for a second before stepping back and making room for him to enter, keeping her head low and not bothering to offer him any kind of greeting before she was closing the door behind her and heading off down the hall. She crossed two streets, then started circling, far enough that she wouldn't run into Oliver again but near enough for when Felicity texted.
She didn't know how to feel. There was guilt, although she hadn't done anything—except fall in love with her ex's fiancée, but she hadn't done anything. Except… Felicity said… but that wasn't her fault, was it? She was just trying to help. She hadn't intended—but probably some part of her had, because God, she wanted her. She hadn't done it on purpose, though. She was pretty sure she hadn't.
Then there was fear, fear that Oliver wouldn't do the right thing and fear that he would. She wanted Felicity to be happy, but she wanted Felicity, and how was she supposed to reconcile that?
If Oliver had done the right thing in the first place, none of this would have happened. She would have kept her distance, she would—it would have been easy. Easier. Well, it would have been possible. Caring for her, sleeping next to her, she hadn't had a hope in hell.
She was crying, she realized suddenly, circling the block with sightless eyes and tears dripping down her cheeks, which wasn't right, she hadn't earned the right to cry, although… well, maybe she had, but she shouldn't be, anyway. Pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes, she wiped away the wetness and sternly instructed her eyes to stop leaking.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket just then, and she pulled it out to see a text from Felicity: Come back.
She ran.
The elevator ride was long enough to get her breathing under control, and she kept herself to a fast walk in the hallway, throwing open the door and finding Felicity just where she'd left her, face raw and wet with tears. She reached for Sara as soon as she saw her, and Sara quickly turned to close and lock the door before crossing to Felicity and picking her up as careful as ever, sitting down on the couch and wrapping her arms tightly around her.
She kept one arm locked around her waist, rubbing her other hand up and down Felicity's back, and said softly, "You okay, baby?"
She grunted, clinging to Sara's neck, not actively crying but sticky with drying tears, and then she brushed her hand across Sara's cheek and leaned away, looking at her face and saying, "You were crying."
Sara shrugged, letting her eyelids drop almost all the way closed, and Felicity leaned back in, pressing her lips to one cheek and then the other, hesitating and then pressing a kiss to Sara's lips.
She didn't move. She couldn't move, not right now. She held perfectly still and Felicity moved away again, eyeing her carefully.
"He said he wanted me to be happy," she said. "He said he couldn't promise that would be with him. He said he couldn't promise this wouldn't happen again. And again. A future of being left. I told him that wasn't good enough. I told him I deserved more than that."
"You know I can't promise you anything, either."
"I never asked for a promise!" Felicity said, her frustration clear. "He's the one who said marriage, he's the one who said forever. I don't need promises, I need a person who will stay."
"But… I can't…"
Felicity pressed forward, her forehead against Sara's and their noses brushing. "What if the building comes down on me?"
"I'll find you."
"What if I'm alone—"
"I won't leave you alone."
"See."
"Yeah. I see."
Felicity tipped her chin forward, bringing their mouths together again, and Sara let go, her fingers driving through Felicity's hair to grip the back of her head as she kissed her with a bruising intensity, all lips and teeth and tongue and she was crying again, kissing desperately until she couldn't breathe and then whispering, "I love you, I love you, I love you," on breaths between pleading kisses, not willing to stop just in case that would be the end of it.
"You know I love you," Felicity said finally, and Sara sobbed, horrified by herself but unable to stop it, and Felicity wrapped one arm around the back of Sara's head, cradling it against her shoulder. "How could I not?" she said, like she could tell that Sara was just thinking the opposite of that question. "Sara, how could anybody not love you?"
"Plenty of people have managed," she said, snuffly against Felicity's shirt, and Felicity stroked her hand over Sara's hair.
"You remember when we first met?"
"God, yes." Sara smiled, eyes closed, not picking her head up from Felicity's shoulder.
"I was so scared there wouldn't be space for both of us. I never… I mean, even if I'd thought…" She trailed off, and Sara could hear her throat working, struggling to swallow. "Sara, are you sure…"
"What, baby?"
"Half my body doesn't work. I looked up to you, I wanted to be like you, I never even came close, and now I'm stuck in this chair, I don't want to weigh you down."
"Felicity…" Sara took in a deep breath and sighed it out, wrapping her arms tight around Felicity's waist and hooking her chin over her shoulder. "Baby, you know why I stopped running? Came back here?"
"You had to take care of me."
"No, I didn't have to. I could have said no, kept running, and when… when I was crying out on the street, I thought maybe I should have. But the reason I came back, the reason I knew I could be the one to help you, is because I knew I would be safe with you. I knew I wouldn't… wouldn't hurt anyone, if I was with you. You don't need to be like me, in fact I hope you never are. It's just you… just you exactly as you are. That's all I need. Can you believe that?"
"Maybe," Felicity said, and Sara could hear the smile in her voice. "If you can believe the same thing."
Sara laughed. "Yeah. Maybe." She took a breath. "Did you… tell Oliver?"
"Kind of. I didn't really know what to say. He wants me—he wants us both to be happy. I don't think it will be easy for him…"
"I wish I could say I don't feel sorry for him," Sara murmured.
"I know."
Sara sighed, her heart aching for Felicity, for the guilt and pain she would feel for Oliver even though it wasn't on her at all. It was a little like the guilt and pain Sara felt, but to an exponential degree. Imagine loving someone, and letting them go, and then watching them be miserable without you. It hurt. Having someone was a blessing and a curse, not wanting it to hurt the other person, but being so, so happy at the same time.
Sara was so, so happy.
"Did he mention…?" she asked, dreading the answer.
"Only that I should call Digg if I saw anything that worried me. He knows you wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't have called you in the first place if he didn't know that."
She went limp at that, relieved of a fear she didn't even know she had been carrying, realizing it was still there at the back of her mind.
"I told you on that first day," Felicity said softly, stroking Sara's hair. "I trust you. I was right to. You rescued me."
"I didn't—"
"You were just what I needed. A long time ago… you said to me, you thanked me for… not treating you like what you were. Because you never were that to me. You never will be. But it's the same now. Everything, my whole life has changed, my body. You, I don't know, you adjust for the changes but you don't treat me different."
"Yeah," Sara said, her voice rough. "You're the person I love. The same person I first met, when I looked at you with… wonder. You were a revelation. You still are." She laughed a little, tears pricking at her eyes. "I'm so glad I met you then. I'm so… The fact that I get to love you is… I was in awe of you, you know?"
Felicity sat back, a hand on each of Sara's shoulders, and looked straight at her. "That's a good foundation, isn't it? Each of us in awe of the other, somehow coming down to earth and loving each other. That's a good place to start, isn't it?"
Sara nodded, one side of her mouth ticking up even as her lower lip trembled, tears filling her eyes and she'd cried enough to last a lifetime by now. "Yeah. I think it is."
iv. let it rain, let it pour on me
The routine changed, but only a little. Wake up in bed together, the same as before, but now with sleepy kisses and soft smiles. Breakfast, then time on the couch, sometimes watching TV and sometimes kissing and sometimes talking but usually some combination of all three. A little time apart, followed by a lot more time together, and snuggling up in bed at night with more of the same. Felicity's nightmares seemed to wane, and she got both physically and emotionally stronger with each day that passed.
Sara didn't want to push, had no desire to push, and so she let Felicity take the lead in most every situation, which was not to say she didn't give as good as she got. But she put her hands only where Felicity's hands went first, and followed the same rule with her mouth.
Slow was fine. Sara was happy with slow. She was also happy that Felicity waited for her to put her fork down and swallow her mouthful of water before saying, "So I've been googling sex after spinal cord injury," in the middle of lunch.
Still, Sara choked on air, hacking and coughing with one hand over her mouth and the other pressed to her chest. Felicity watched her from across the table, biting her lip on a smile, and Sara eventually managed to gasp out, "And?"
"And…" Felicity said, looking down at her plate and poking her fork at a piece of carrot. "It sounds like a matter of trial and error. But there's hope."
"Were you worried?"
Felicity didn't look up, staring more intently down at her food and pursing her lips, her fork stab-stab-stabbing, so Sara looked down too, smiling a little.
"Have you gotten started?"
"What?"
"With the trial and error," Sara said casually, flipping her hair over her shoulder and picking up a forkful of food.
Felicity muttered something unintelligible and Sara looked up, finding Felicity glaring at her plate and flushing pink.
"You don't have to tell me," Sara said quickly, and Felicity sighed, tipping her head back and staring at the ceiling for a moment before reluctantly meeting Sara's eyes.
"It's, um… not a lost cause. I don't know. Everything is different."
"Okay, well… I mean, not to be presumptuous, but everything is going to be different with… me, anyway. Have you ever been with a girl?"
Felicity looked down again, blushing harder, and shook her head.
"It's a lot of trial and error. A lot. That's not new to me. And that's not… that isn't something that would make me, I don't know, not want to do it, or at least try, if that's… what you're worried about?"
"It doesn't feel sexy," Felicity muttered. "Being paralyzed."
"I'm sorry about that," Sara said, ducking her head and trying to catch Felicity's gaze, "because I want you to feel sexy. But maybe you just worry about how sexy I am, and I'll worry about you."
Fighting a smile, Felicity darted a glance up at Sara, her eyes softening as soon as they landed on her face, and she sighed again as she let her gaze trace over Sara's face, meeting her eyes once more and saying, "I guess it's worth a shot."
Sara grinned at that, because hell yeah, it's worth a shot, and that was maybe the least enthusiastic someone had ever sounded talking about having sex with her, but it was good enough for Sara. Like, heart leapt, butterflies in her stomach, squeezing her thighs together good enough, because she was in so deep and there was no fighting that.
"Whenever…" Sara started, then had to pause and clear her throat. "Whenever you're ready."
Felicity nodded, let a moment pass in silence, then said, "Now?" Sara's eyebrows shot up, her smile uncontrollable, and Felicity nodded again with a sly smile. "Now."
Sara got up from her chair, leaving the dishes on the table, and tugged Felicity's chair back so she could pick her up. As she carried her to the stairs, she said, "This is romantic," and Felicity giggled against her neck.
"You're a stud," she said, as Sara started up the stairs.
"Yes. Thank you. This is what I keep trying to tell people."
Felicity giggled again, and then Sara set her down on the bed and her eyes widened, nerves written clear on her face, so Sara dropped to her knees, kissing Felicity and stroking the side of her face.
"It's just me," she said quietly, and Felicity nodded, swallowing hard. Standing up again, Sara reached for the hem of her shirt and said, "I'm going to distract you with how sexy I am, okay? Ready?"
Felicity nodded again, biting her lip on a grin, and Sara pulled her shirt off over her head, tugging off her pants and leaving her bra and underwear. Felicity was still biting her lip, smile gone, and she reached for Sara, beckoning with her hands.
"Come here."
Very carefully, Sara climbed onto the bed, kneeling over Felicity's waist and bending to kiss her, then straightening up a little so Felicity could look and explore with her hands, tracing over the muscles and scars, her mouth dropping open slightly.
"You're incredible," she murmured, and Sara smoothed her hands over Felicity's belly, slipping her hands under her shirt and pushing it up a little, watching her face. She nodded, and Sara eased the shirt up, her palms running over Felicity's skin, until Felicity had to raise her arms for Sara to tug the shirt off over them.
Bending again, Sara kissed her and said against her mouth, "So are you." She could feel Felicity shake her head slightly, but didn't break the kiss, moving her hands over Felicity's back to the clasp of her bra and pausing there, giving Felicity a chance to balk. When she just pushed into the kiss, arching her back slightly off the bed, Sara unclasped it and sat up to remove it and toss it aside before looking down and saying, "You are, my God, you are so beautiful."
Shuffling her hips down, she bent to kiss Felicity's neck, running her hands up and down her abdomen and then stopping at her breasts, massaging them as she kissed along her collarbone, sucking lightly at the delicate skin there, and Felicity gasped a little, pushing up into Sara's hands. She was so quiet, undemanding, and Sara moved her mouth to one of Felicity's nipples, lavishing attention there until Felicity was keening softly, grasping at Sara's arms and tipping her head back against the pillow.
Sara returned to her mouth, kissing her and realizing that Felicity couldn't buck her hips or press her thighs together, couldn't take the edge off herself, completely reliant on Sara, and she moved her hand down, stopping at the waistband of Felicity's pants and saying, "Can I touch you?"
Felicity nodded, biting down hard on her lip and squeezing her eyes shut, and Sara palmed over her pants, pressing the heel of her hand between Felicity's legs and rocking it, just applying pressure and then saying, "Can I take your pants off?"
She nodded again, and Sara tugged her pants down her legs, gentle as can be even though she knew Felicity couldn't feel it. She dropped the pants on the floor and crawled back up the bed, lying on her side next to Felicity, propping up on her elbow and reaching for one of Felicity's hands, holding it in her own and bringing it to her mouth, kissing the back of it as Felicity blinked her eyes open and looked over at her.
"I'm just going to touch you, okay?" she said quietly, holding Felicity's hand to her cheek. "You have to tell me if I do anything you don't like. Just say 'stop' or 'no' and I'll stop. It won't hurt my feelings and it won't change anything; this is for you, okay?"
Staring quietly, Felicity nodded and then tipped her chin up for Sara to kiss her. Letting their clasped hands drop into the space between them, Sara leaned forward, kissing Felicity and stroking her free hand slowly down the bare skin of her body. When she reached between her legs, they both gasped, foreheads pressed together as Sara traced gentle fingertips down and back up, easing them in.
"Okay," Felicity said, pulling in air, and Sara laughed quietly.
"'Okay'?" she said back. "Is that good?"
"Good." Felicity nodded. "More."
Sara hummed, turning to a groan as she eased one finger inside, Felicity whimpering deep in her throat and reaching her free hand up to Sara's cheek, pressing uneven kisses to her lips as Sara added another finger and traced circles with her thumb. "Okay?"
Felicity grunted, her hand slipping down to flex around Sara's bicep.
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Please."
Pushing further up on her elbow, Sara let her fingers slide all the way in and curl and Felicity gasped again, her shoulders pressing hard against the mattress and her head back, neck straining and eyes tightly shut, and Sara hung her head, building up a rhythm as Felicity's fingers started to curl into the flesh of her arm. Sara was biting down hard on her own lip, her hair hanging loose over Felicity's chest and Felicity's chest heaving with breaths, with shudders, so beautiful and incredibly, incredibly sexy.
The tension built in her body, her hand tightening around Sara's and her back arching as much as it could, and then her inside walls were clamping down on Sara's fingers, a barely audible cry torn from her throat and her body locking up before her muscles all came trembling loose at once.
Sara withdrew her fingers, wiping them on the sheet and then curling herself around Felicity, their hands still clasped, pressed between their bellies. Resting her chin in the curve of Felicity's shoulder, she brushed her nose against Felicity's cheek, sighing as she let her own body relax.
They lay still for a while, then Felicity turned her face and nipped at Sara's mouth, tiny fleeting kisses as she brought her free hand back up to Sara's cheek. Sara couldn't help but smile, nipping back, and Felicity's content upturn of her lips grew into a full grin.
"What do you think?" Sara said.
"Sex after spinal cord injury," Felicity replied thoughtfully, "pretty good. Sex with Sara Lance…" She paused, drew in a deep breath, blew it out. "Wow."
"Wow?" Sara echoed, her grin blossoming. "Really?"
Still grinning, Felicity scrunched up her nose, rubbing it against Sara's, and said, "Yes, really. You must know that."
"I just…" She shook her head. "I just really wanted it to be good for you."
Felicity inched back, staring into Sara's eyes as her smile dropped most of the way away, blinking a few times, her hand still flat on Sara's cheek, and Sara smiled but closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the close scrutiny. "Did you know that I love you?"
Laughing just a little, Sara said, "Yes, I did know that."
"Well, I love you very much, and I think you're incredible. This was incredible because you… you are… indescribable. They haven't made words for you yet. And I love you."
"Okay." Sara peeked open her eyes, biting down on her lower lip. "I love you too, then."
"Whew!" Felicity said exaggeratedly. "Thank God. If I was just a one night stand, I don't know what I would do."
"Probably seduce me again since we live together and sleep in the same bed."
Felicity nodded slowly, gnawing on both of her lips as she tried to turn a grin into a curious expression. "I seduced you. Interesting. Was it… was it the Google mention?"
Raising her eyebrows, Sara pursed her lips. "You know how hot that tech talk gets me."
They snorted almost in unison, helpless laughter bringing them both to tears until they collapsed, exhausted again, clinging to each other and letting the afternoon sun lull them into a dreamless nap.
When Sara woke again, Felicity's hand was stroking absently over the arm Sara had flung across her belly. Peeking up, she saw Felicity's eyes open, staring at the ceiling, and said, "Hey."
Felicity smiled, and Sara moved back enough for Felicity to be able to turn her head and see her. "Hey," she said back, and Sara brought her hand up to Felicity's cheek, kissing her long and slow.
Pulling back again, Sara said, "You should wake me up if you get bored."
"I wasn't bored."
"Oh yeah? What were you thinking about?"
Felicity's eyes dropped, tracing down what she could see of Sara's body, her hand smoothing over the curve of Sara's waist, and Sara felt her stomach drop. "Thinking about… how exactly I would return the favour."
Sara's mouth went dry, her thighs involuntarily pressing together, and she said, "You don't have to."
Pushing out her lower lip, Felicity pouted, turning her best puppy dog eyes up at Sara and saying, "May I… please?"
"Holy shit." Sara closed her eyes, trying to swallow. "Oh my God. You can do whatever you want."
"What do you want?"
Sara whined, rubbing her thighs together, and she should have been embarrassed—she could be embarrassed later. "Touch me. Please."
Felicity smiled, this wicked little smirk Sara didn't think she'd ever seen on her face before, and Sara pressed her body up against Felicity's side, close enough for her to reach without moving. Felicity tugged at her underwear, pressed her hand between Sara's legs, but she grunted, displeased.
"Bad angle," she said, assessing the situation with critical eyes, and then pushed with her other hand on Sara's shoulder, urging her back up to kneel over Felicity's waist, her hands bracing on either side of Felicity's head as she reached between her legs again and said—murmured—purred, "Much better."
Sara whined again, her head dropping low as Felicity didn't hesitate to push her fingers inside, like she'd done this a hundred times before but Sara knew she was using what she'd learned a couple hours ago and Jesus she was a quick study, curling her fingers in just the right place and making stars pop behind Sara's eyelids.
Sara was not quiet in bed, whining and babbling almost constantly, and she found that Felicity wasn't, either, at least not on this side of it.
She talked Sara through it, quiet and confident, saying, "God, Sara, you feel so good. You want it, don't you?"—like Sara wasn't bearing down on her hand, pressing her fingers in deeper, babbling about how good it felt—"That's good, baby, tell me how much you want it. All I want is to make you feel good, the best you've ever felt, God, come on, baby."—and Sara almost wanted to hold out, just to hear what that voice would say next, but she came with a loud cry, her arms trembling as Felicity's other hand came up to rub over Sara's back, soothing her until she could turn over onto the bed, a mess of shaking limbs.
Felicity couldn't reach her there, just searched for her hand and held onto it, bringing their clasped hands up onto her belly and squeezing, her other arm resting at her side.
When Sara could form words again—just barely—she said, "What the fuck, Felicity."
There was a pause, then Felicity said in a small voice, "What?" and Sara rolled toward her, pressing her body up against her side and wrapping her arm tight around Felicity's waist.
"Baby, I thought I knew how incredible you are. I mean, I've been in love with you for—I thought I had a good sense of your many amazing qualities. You just blew my mind. If you ever need to hear how sexy you are, please, please ask me so I can talk about it for an hour or two."
"Okay," Felicity said, voice still small. "I didn't disappoint you, then."
"What's the opposite of disappointing? You did that." She fell silent, nuzzling her face against Felicity's ear and hair, and Felicity tangled the fingers of her other hand with the one Sara had thrown over her waist, so both pairs of hands were clasped together and if that wasn't disgustingly romantic enough, Sara started murmuring, "I love you, I love you, I love you," into Felicity's ear.
After a minute, Felicity laughed, and Sara felt tears roll down onto her skin, leaning up and looking at her in concern. Her eyes were closed, the tears seeping out from the corners, and Sara waited quietly until Felicity brought their clasped hands up to wipe at her eyes, looking at Sara with a tremulous smile.
"You did it," she said, and Sara shook her head, not getting it. "You made this paralyzed body feel sexy. You did it."
Sara exhaled, relieved, and leaned in to brush her nose against Felicity's, saying, "You did it. You, my God, you did that all on your own." She kissed her before she could argue, and Felicity sighed into the kiss, letting it go on and on until Sara had to drop back onto the mattress, her body still beat. She nuzzled into Felicity's side, instead, falling asleep again soon after.
v. you're my umbrella in a raging sea
A series of reactions, in no particular order:
1.
"Hey Digg."
"Hi, Felicity. How are you two doing?"
"We're good, we're really good. Um, did Oliver mention—"
"That you and Sara were maybe possibly becoming you and Sara? He may have."
"Well, yeah, that's a thing. Like, really a thing. A capital-t Thing. Just FYI."
"…I'm happy for you, Felicity. For both of you. Thrilled, actually. Any time you want to talk, consider my ear ready to listen. I'm, uh, not… gonna mention it to Oliver. At all. Ever."
"Thanks, Digg. Love you."
"Love you too."
2.
When Felicity finally allowed her mom to come visit, Donna showed up with flowers and tubs of cookies and so many hugs, and Felicity sat her down at one end of the lounge, Sara on the couch and Felicity in her chair immediately beside her.
"Sweetheart, you look wonderful. I'm amazed. Sara must be taking such good care of you."
"Yes," Felicity said, and reached her hand out for Sara's, holding it on her thigh. "Sara is taking… very good care of me."
"That's so lovely." Donna beamed. "It's so important to have friends like that."
"Mom… Sara and I are not friends."
"Oh no, did you have a fight?" She looked bewildered, staring down at their joined hands and then back up at Felicity.
"Mother. Sara and I are together."
"Oh!" she said brightly. "I… um… is Oliver involved?"
Sara and Felicity exchanged a horrified look, and Sara couldn't suppress an involuntary shudder. Just the thought… dear God.
"No… no, Mom, Oliver is not involved. Oliver is… very much… not involved. In any way."
"Oh!" she said again, and stared at their hands for a moment, hopefully not noticing how their knuckles were turning white from the death grip they were each exerting on the other's hand. "Well, that's still lovely, isn't it? Just lovely."
"Yeah. Mom. It's lovely."
3.
Felicity: Do you hate me?
Thea: Never!
Thea: DON'T tell Ollie but I'm kinda stoked for you
Thea: Sara Lance is goals, right?
Felicity: Oh my God, you have no idea
Thea: Okay, still gross, but anyway, I'm happy for you.
Felicity: Oliver and I aren't even speaking so you don't have to worry about me spilling secrets
Thea: I'm sorry. You know how he is.
Thea: He wants you to be happy
Felicity: That much I know
Thea: Digg and I will work on him
Thea: He's gotta get over it, right?
Thea: I get the feeling you two are gonna last
Felicity: :) I hope so.
4.
Ever since she'd come home, Sara had seen her family once or twice a week, leaving Felicity at the loft and putting in her time to make up for leaving again. She was getting progressively looser and happier the longer she spent with Felicity, and finally Laurel asked what the deal was at dinner one night.
Even then, she felt a twist of guilt in her stomach, wondering how to explain that she was now dating the ex of her ex who she stole from her sister a million years ago.
"Um," she started, "well, you know how I've been helping Felicity out." She got a dry look from both Laurel and her dad for that; she talked about almost nothing but Felicity. "Well, you know Oliver and Felicity aren't together anymore." Obviously they knew that; Oliver was a nightmare to be around. "Well, uh, um, after… um, after they broke up… like, a while after they broke up…" That was a lie. "Um, well, uh, the thing is… Felicity and I are together now."
Silence. She stared down at her plate, waiting to hear the many, many reasons she was a terrible person and insensitive and heartless and a miserable influence on—
Her dad appeared at her side, placing his hands on her arms and bringing her up to her feet. Holding her by the arms, he said, "Sara, are you happy?"
She nodded, miserable tears slipping down her cheeks. "I've never been happier, Daddy."
He wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tight. "Then I'm happy, baby. Felicity is a good girl and you deserve only the best. Bring her to dinner next week."
She nodded again as he let her go, wiping messily at her tears, and then looked beseechingly at Laurel, who got up and circled the table and hugged her.
"I love you, Sara. Dad's right. You deserve the best and Felicity might just be it."
Sara sobbed into Laurel's shoulder, so relieved she couldn't draw a full breath.
Later on, they walked out together, and Laurel stopped her in the hallway, taking one of her hands and looking seriously at her.
"Sara, I love you." This should be good. "You know they've broken up before."
Sara stared down at the floor.
"You know Ollie."
She blinked, her hand limp in Laurel's grip.
"I just don't want to see you get hurt."
"It's worth it," she said, because she did know Oliver, and she knew Oliver and Felicity, and she knew that maybe there was something different about their relationship, maybe it would triumph after all, but she loved Felicity and she would hold on tight until Felicity asked her to let go, and then she would let go.
"Okay," Laurel replied. "I'm glad, then."
5.
The week after that, Sara loaded Felicity up in the SUV and drove it over to her dad's place. Donna was there too, and Sara and Felicity realized very suddenly that they needed their parents to not ever get married and maybe just break up altogether and save them the mental anguish, but other than that, dinner went well. Sara couldn't stop smiling at Felicity, who smiled back, and it was the first time they were sickeningly in love in front of people they knew, which felt really, really good.
They went over to Big Belly Burger after to meet Thea and Diggle for milkshakes, and they were seated at a table facing the door when they came in, followed by a skulking, brooding Oliver.
Sara and Felicity traded a look, and Sara reached across to hold Felicity's hand under the table.
Everybody sat down, and the four of them carried on a conversation as naturally as possible, mostly just pretending that Oliver was an empty chair as he stared at the table's surface and didn't say a word. The conversation revolved for the large part around Felicity's progress learning wheelchair tricks and when she was thinking about going back to work, which was only slightly awkward since they were living in Oliver's loft and being at least partially financially supported by him, but they pushed through.
It was nice, actually, other than Oliver's ominous silence. It felt almost like life was normal, and Sara didn't let go of Felicity's hand.
When the two of them got back to the loft, they curled up on the couch—Felicity's legs laid over Sara's lap, Sara's arm around her waist and Felicity's head on Sara's shoulder—and chatted quietly about how unbearably awkward that had been. Both of their phones buzzed a moment later.
Oliver: You seem very happy. I am happy for you.
"Oh, God," Sara said, laughing helplessly. "You tried, Oliver."
Felicity was laughing too, shaking her head sadly. "He made an effort. I'm proud of him."
Pressing a kiss to Felicity's head, Sara said, "Me too," and changed the subject.
It was still honestly heartbreaking for everyone involved, but there really wasn't anything they could do about it. Oliver had to figure out his own bullshit; it had been hard for Sara, too, but she'd done it. If she hadn't found therapy in loving Felicity, she would have found it somewhere else, because she wanted so very badly to be happy, to be whole, to live a full life. She was sure Oliver wanted that, too.
Nobody enjoyed watching him be miserable, but they'd all done everything they could to help.
Sara tried not to dwell on it, tried to keep Felicity from doing that too. When it came down to it, they were happy, and nothing much could put a damper on that. Felicity was almost fully recovered—well, as fully as she ever would be—and she would return to work at Palmer Tech. Then… Sara would find something to do. Something during the day. Probably not bartending, too many potential pitfalls and not enough nights at home with Felicity.
Maybe she would go back to school. A lot of things seemed a lot more possible now than they had a few years ago. Felicity made things feel possible. Felicity was bright, and hopeful, and… light. Not always, but more than Sara had ever had in her life before.
Coming back from the Lazarus Pit had been a second, or a third, or a fourth chance for Sara, but being with Felicity felt like her very first real chance. She marvelled at it, more than she probably should, but it was still incredible to her. A whole life, laid out in front of her. Her only promise: to never take it for granted again.
That much was easy.
There's a promise I've made that I can't keep;
all my regret testifies that I am far from flawless,
always reckless, can I borrow your forgiveness?
I know these storms will come;
let it rain, let it pour on me.
You're my umbrella in a raging sea.
Chasing All The Stars | Fleurie