Title: How The Heart Approaches.
Author: Linstock
Pairing: Spock and Uhura
Rating: K
Type: Romance; Angst
Warning: None really.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, the characters, or profit from this writing.
Summary: A story of life at Starfleet Academy, beginnings, adventure and, of course, snacks. (How do Vulcans choose their snacks? I'm sure you have wondered.)
Au: This story was written for sesh_khem as part of the Spock/Uhura Holiday Fic Exchange assignment. Merry Christmas to you, Sesh.
My deep thanks go my beta reader, SpockLikesCats. I sent her a raw story with enough grammatical errors to make a Vulcan weep* and she transformed it into a polished text. Of course I fiddled later and can clearly state that the errors are all mine. (*unashamedly plagiarised from "Descartes Error" by StarTrekFanWriter)
How The Heart Approaches.
Nyota liked to explore. No, it was more than that, Nyota needed to explore. It was as much a part of her as her brown eyes or black hair. As a little girl she would go missing for hours and her mother would be half-frantic, looking for her everywhere. Upon returning, Nyota would look at her mother earnestly and say, "I was exploring." When she tried to share the exciting things she'd discovered, her mother was often less than enthusiastic. Nyota never understood why she was sent to her room when she'd just been exploring and had found so many fascinating things.
No one was surprised when Nyota wrote in her sixth grade composition, "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up," that she was "going to join Starfleet" because then she "could explore the whole universe."
##
It was natural that in her first weeks at Starfleet Academy Nyota explored the campus. Most cadets knew their dorm, their friend's dorms, where they attended lectures plus the library, the medical centre and the quickest route to the closest bar. Not Nyota. She was a Communications major but she went on every orientation tour of every building and she explored the buildings again by herself. Very quickly her classmates learned that if you wanted to know the location of a particular room, or where a certain professor had her office it was quicker to ask Nyota than try to figure out the on campus directory.
Her deep love of languages …. Really? Just another way of exploring.
##
Cadet Nyota Uhura met Commander Spock in the first week she was at the academy. "Met" might be too strong a word; "saw" was closer to the truth. "Met" does imply more than sitting in an orientation lecture with 300 or so other students. He had introduced himself but, admittedly, she had not reciprocated. She had noticed he was attractive and she liked his voice. She also liked the way he tipped his head slightly when listening to a question and the way his eyebrow rose if the question was particularly asinine. That was as much attention as she gave him; he was an instructor and that was the end of that - besides, she was too wrapped up in the energy, discipline and bustle of academy life to give much thought to an instructor - no matter how attractive.
She had an exhilarating succession of firsts. There was her first alien friend; her roommate Gaila from Orion. She was thrilled when her first assignment submitted was graded "with high distinction" by her instructor.
Now an independent adult living away from home, she had her first new romance, and revelled in the heady rush of exploring her own sexual power. But even this paled when compared to her first space flight: admittedly, it was only a shuttle run to an orbital station with five other cadets, but it stoked the fires of her passion to explore. It all combined into a potent and intense experience.
Not all the firsts were good - the first time she was in null gravity she was both violently sick and hideously embarrassed.
Her first romance as an independent adult resulted in her first acrimonious breakup. It was painful, but not devastating because she knew it had been experimentation, lust - not love - and she would survive.
This was also Nyota's first experience of not being the best. For most of her young life, Nyota had been well ahead of the rest in the class. In Starfleet all her fellow cadets were recruited from the very best from all over the world and, although she topped most of her communication stream subjects, it took real effort. This was quite stimulating mentally but the constant disciplined effort required to out-score everyone else was also rather draining.
Then there were the compulsory general stream subjects covering everything from basic engineering, to battlefield first aid, to weapons training, to piloting a shuttle. Sometimes she was really struggling. On top of that there was intense physical training, including endurance conditioning, hand-to-hand combat and weightlifting to build maximum bone density and the muscle mass needed to function on planets with higher gravity than Earth. She was physically tired a lot of the time.
She kept her mind centred on her goal of active service. If she was going to be out there in the stars exploring, then she'd have to do her best to excel here.
During this time Cadet Nyota Uhura actually met Commander Spock. She was in several of his classes and he rapidly became one of her favourite instructors. She appreciated his intelligence and efficiency. His assignments were challenging and based in real world experiences. While he was uncompromising and quick to point out errors, he was equally quick to note success and he never played mind games or flirted with the students.
Commander Spock was a linguist, and a scientist specialising in biology and astronomy, and he also lectured in math and computer science. Nyota thought that because of this range, he saw how disciplines interacted and he brought this richness and diversity to his lessons. When he personally congratulated Uhura on her third linguistics paper, she could not wipe the smile off her face all day.
##
Nyota met Spock at the vending machine.
In her early exploration phase, one of the things Nyota had learned was the location of every vending machine on campus.
Tucked away at the bottom of the return staircase to a seldom-used rear exit from the gym was a vending machine that [and this was a miracle] sold Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base]. These were Nyota's absolute favourite confection in the whole world. Strangely this vending machine was the only one in the academy stocked with them.
When she really, really needed a pick-me-up Nyota would come and buy a Peppermint Cuptop [with crunchy biscuits base]. The smooth dark chocolate, crunchy slightly crumbly coconut biscuit base and sweet piquant peppermint crème always worked their soothing and restorative magic.
The only other person she ever saw there was Commander Spock.
He would nod an acknowledgement, buy his item, and leave. They did not talk. Out of curiosity she noted what he bought. He always bought the same thing; Nut Combinations [with almonds, cashews, and now pine nuts!] but she could not see the actual contents of the pack. She knew that Vulcans did not eat with their hands and idly wondered if Nut Combinations were somehow an exception.
Then one night, as Commander Spock placed a token in the machine, thunder rolled and the heavens opened and what seemed like a wall of water fell from the sky. That was the first night he lingered. He looked different from the Commander Spock she was used to seeing. He was not in uniform. His chin was slightly darkened - the day's beard growth - and he wore a v-necked jumper in dark blue and loose trousers. It made him seem less formidable.
Nyota sat, exhausted, on the stairs and Commander Spock stood gazing into the rain. He opened the small box and Nyota was interested to see that it contained a neat row of small tooth-pick like sticks. He took one and on the end was a sphere. A cluster of nut pieces, she supposed, just the right size to eat in one mouthful; which he did. The mystery of Vulcan snack food solved, she thought. Eventually she decided that, even though he was easy to look at, she had more pressing matters to hand. A Peppermint Cuptop [with crunchy biscuits base] was never improved by being held in a warm hand for too long.
The thing with this particular treat was that they needed to be eaten in a special way; at least if you were Nyota Uhura. She had seen people who actually chomped into one and in three or so bites it was gone. Pure sacrilege! She had a ritual. Step One: unwrap it. Step Two: lick the dark chocolate off the base to reveal the rough coconut flavoured biscuit. Three: nibble around the edges of the biscuit. This gave her tantalising tastes of the biscuit and the chocolate with just a suggestion of the peppermint cream too. Four: nibbling completed, turn the whole thing over and carefully - this could not be rushed - lever the biscuit base off the cup top that held the peppermint cream. Five: use the biscuit base to scoop out the peppermint cream, which she ate off the biscuit. This step should be savoured, but not too much; by now her warm fingers would be softening the cup top. Six: consume biscuit base and peppermint crème and finally! She ate the almost empty cup top. It was then she looked up and saw Commander Spock watching her as if she were a fascinating new life form.
She blushed. Then she thought, "What do I have to apologise for? Eating Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base] in a manner unbecoming to a Cadet of Starfleet?" The thought made her grin. His eyebrow rose. Somehow in that moment a connection was made and without a word being spoken an agreement was reached.
"I see the rain has stopped. Good evening," he said. What she imagined he meant was "You are not afraid to be yourself around me. Fascinating. " And he left.
Nyota called "Goodnight, Commander," after him.
##
Slowly Nyota and Spock started talking. At first by the time Nyota finished licking the biscuit base free of chocolate he would be gone. As time passed they talked for longer and longer until the whole Peppermint Cuptop was just a pleasant aftertaste in her mouth and they still sat side by side on the stairs, talking.
It was as if in this small area next to the vending machine that dispensed Peppermint Cuptops [with crunchy biscuits base] and Nut Combinations [with almonds, cashews, and now pine nuts!] was somehow exempt from the usual rules the covered the academy. In this space, and this space only, he was Spock and she was Nyota.
He knew she hated null gravity; she knew he hated the cold rain - although he would never admit it. He knew she collected interesting words and she knew he collected ancient Vulcan poetry. He was interested to hear about her explorations as a child. She was amused to learn that they shared this trait and neither had understood why they had been punished when they had discovered so many interesting things while exploring.
She told him about Johari, her dog, and he told her about his sehlat, I'Chaya. She told him about her Africa, rich with life and people and heat and a sky so big it made you dream of space; he told her about the arid, baked, desolate, beauty of the Vulcan desert that hid its life so that only the careful observer could detect its presence.
Obsolete communications technologies fascinated Nyota and she taught Spock old American Morse code. Spock learned it embarrassingly quickly causing Nyota to shake her head over the hours she had spent as a teenager; she had nearly driven her family crazy constantly with her constant taping.
Spock shared his interest in music, especially composition, and they had wide ranging discussions about music in various cultures.
She would often share her impressions about the week, especially if she'd been on another space flight. He offered helpful ideas, just the sort of thing a friend would tell a friend – once, a trick to help with the nausea in null gravity. She gave him tips on understanding human social nuances that baffled him and even suggested some responses he could use when at a loss for what to say.
They never touched; not really. One night when Spock was being obtuse, as only he could be, Nyota bumped him with her shoulder. From then on she shoulder bumped him as a private way of communicating laughter, gentle disapproval or agreement. The first night Spock shoulder bumped her, gently chiding her for being too vulgar, she was secretly thrilled.
Why things were different in this small space that was not even a room, Nyota ever knew. There was nothing special about it; it wasn't private, nor was it especially comfortable, but it became theirs - the place where they became friends.
#
Their conversations at first focused on their own experiences, beliefs and even dreams. As they grew to value each other's opinion they slowly began to mention colleagues, friends and, well, Uhura's lovers.
When Nyota broke up with her latest boyfriend she was glad to have Spock's calm and logical perspective.
Spock, baffled by a colleague's behaviour, could discuss it with Nyota and sometimes, she could cast light on the interaction. However, she was not always successful.
"Today, when Professor T 'Garint stated that the new statistic program would improve departmental efficiency, Professor's Corrigan's response was , 'My fat Aunt'. This provoked uproar for 2.4 minutes. I fail to understand Professor Corrigan's aunt's involvement. He constantly refers to her. She is not a member of the faculty and her opinion is of no relevance to the committee."
Nyota tried to conceal her grin. "It's an expression Spock. By saying 'my fat aunt' Professor Corrigan is expressing disbelief of the previous statement."
She looked at Spock's expression and did laugh this time. He sat up straighter. Uh oh, she could detect the beginnings of a Vulcan "huff". He could be touchy sometimes.
"If I say, 'Everything's just fine" and you say, 'My fat aunt.' That means you do not believe everything is fine. See?"
"I do not have a fat aunt. My mother's sister is, on average, 14% underweight for a woman of her age and height."
Nyota sighed, "Spock, forget about your real aunt she just confuses the issue. This is a hypothetical aunt."
Spock took a deep breath, "I fail to comprehend how can a reference to a hypothetical overweight female sibling of one's parents can convey disbelieve in a statement."
Nyota accepted that some things could not be adequately explained, "It just does Spock, it just does."
##
Nyota knew that her relationship with Spock stopped at friendship; she was sure nothing short of a direct order from a commanding officer would induce Spock to break regulations. Spock's clear moral compass was one of the most pleasing things about him. Their friendship, at any rate, was much more comfortable without the possibility of anything sexual hovering in the background. Uhura could relax into "being herself."
##
As time passed and Nyota progressed from fourth-class cadet to second-class cadet, Nyota found increasingly that her life and Spock's overlapped and interwove. Spock guest lectured in Nyota's language courses; he oversaw the IT on the sub-space arrays where she did her shifts. Uhura was the treasurer of the Harmony group, which worked toward interspecies understanding, and Spock was a member.
Often, they saw each other in the gym, in the cafeteria and in the library. In her second-class year, she started working as his aide seeing him every day in some capacity. He would never cross the boundary dictated by a professional relationship but he became increasingly central in her world.
##
One evening, as they sat on the stairs eating their snacks, Nyota was bemoaning her lack of success with dating. "You'd better start looking for a Vulcan babe, or you'll be left on the shelf, like me!" His reply was totally unexpected.
"'Babe'" meaning female, not infant?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Definitely," said Nyota with a sincere nod, and teasingly commented, "it's best to have the female before you have the infant!"
Spock looked thoughtful. "I do not need to seek out a Vulcan 'babe'," he paused as if reviewing the word.
"Mr Confident," she replied. "It's not so simple to find someone, trust me! I'm an expert at not finding."
"I have not noted any deficit in your 'finding' ability." Spock commented drily, having advised her through several breakups by now.
Sheeplishly, Nyota shrugged, "Finding's one thing, finding a keeper is another."
"I see," said Spock.
Nyota looked at him, mockingly aghast. "Are you using one of my own phrases on me?" She bumped his shoulder. "Just remember who taught you that."
"Absolutely."
This response earned Spock a glare and a harder shoulder bump.
Nyota returned to the original conversation. "It's not so easy to find someone you could spend a lifetime with, come what may. It is not like you even have a girlfriend."
He looked at her with a subtle, smug Vulcan "oh really?" expression.
"Spock!" Nyota gasped, "You've been holding out on me!" Are you dating? What's her name? Is she pretty? What does she do? Where did you meet her? When..?"
He stopped the outpouring of questions with a raised hand.
"I met her for the first time when we bonded when I became seven years of age. It was not a 'date.'" He gave her a quelling look. "Her name is T'Pring; she is aesthetically pleasing."
Nyota gave a "more details" gesture with her hand.
Spock added, "Her face is symmetrical and she has proportions indicative of fertility and easy child bearing. She is a student of history." He paused briefly and added, "Does that satisfy your curiosity?" He looked at her with a slightly indulgent expression and raised an eyebrow in enquiry.
Nyota seemed speechless. Eventually she said, "Seven?"
Spock didn't sigh but he had this way of implying a sigh. "I know that you have read about Vulcan cultural practices. You would have read of the ceremony of kan-telan and koon-ut-la, or bonding, of children who will later complete kah-ka and become bondmates." He looked at her enquiringly.
"Yes," she said, frowning, "but somehow I never thought of it as applying to you." She sounded querulous even to herself.
He stiffened. "Am I not adequately Vulcan?" he enquired slightly coldly.
She was horrified at the coldness in his voice. "Spock - that's not what I meant! Of course you're Vulcan and, now that I actually think about it, of course, it makes sense." Well - as much sense as any marriage arranged between children could make, she thought.
Spock paused and stated quietly, "Nyota, I assure you that many of the cultural practices of Earth are as strange to me as this is to you. I do understand that betrothal of children seems barbaric to some. It was, however, an ancient custom in some Terran societies."
"Maybe you can explain the Vulcan custom to me. I really want to understand. What is the logic behind the practice?" Nyota asked.
Spock assumed his thoughtful expression. "Vulcans are telepaths, as you know. Usually this is done through touch. However, the bond with a mate is a true, permanent, telepathic bond of considerable intensity. It operates without touch and over great distances. The drive to join minds with a mate is potent for an adult Vulcan. It is as intense as the urge to physically mate is in humans.
"A Vulcan child needs to master this kind of permanent bond. To this end, Vulcans pair-bond their children before adolescence, so the couple can mature together. Even in the rare cases where the bond is severed, due to accident, or by choice, the skills needed to use, block, or explore a bond have become second nature."
Nyota shrugged. "When you explain it, is completely logical." She paused, wondering if the next question would be too intrusive, then asked, "Can Vulcans mate without a bond?"
"Yes. But this is less than satisfactory, as it address only one facet of the need – the physical. As I understand, when a joining of minds and bodies is achieved, it is an optimal experience."
"It sounds like sex and love to me," Nyota said thoughtfully. "Sex is great, but when sex and love combine, the experience can be 'optimal.' I know that humans also feel the need to join with a lover." She turned toward Spock as she tried to explain. "It's as if you just can't get close enough - you want to sink into that person, through their skin, just merge with them. Well, for a while anyway." She noticed Spock was looking at her strangely. Uh-oh, too much human emotion, she thought. Time to lighten the mood.
Then she mock formally said, "My dear sir, I sincerely hope you and your symmetrical Vulcan babe will be very happy together."
Spock gave her the look he reserved for when she was teasing; part amusement and part censure.
##
As she drifted into sleep that night, Nyota had to admit that the idea of Spock being bonded or betrothed to anyone made her feel cold and uncomfortable. She told herself this was because of the bonding taking place during childhood, and then castigated herself for her lack of cultural sensitivity.
##
The first day she did not see Spock, Nyota barely noticed. When they did meet he seemed different. Suddenly it seemed his duties increasingly required him to be out of his office. He would still meet her near the vending machine, but not often, and he didn't stay long. Their conversations now felt strained and uncomfortable. One evening, after she had not seen him for three consecutive days, he told her he was leaving. In two weeks he would depart on a scientific mission aboard the USS Atlanta - his duties at the academy would be delegated to others. He said he would contact her before he left to say goodbye.
Nyota was so shocked she couldn't even remember later what she'd said in response.
And then he was gone.
##
Nyota realised that Starfleet members could be called away on duty sometimes at very short notice. It would be part of her life for now on. She guessed that preparations for the mission were probably what caused the change in Spock's schedule. But she was unreasonably upset when she realised Spock had departed on the mission and had not said goodbye.
##
Spock had been gone for two months. Uhura hadn't expected to hear from him and so was not very disappointed when no communication came.
She was spectacularly busy, doing shifts monitoring sub-space messages, running her own small research project on the calibration of the universal translator, and assisting Professor Mayer with her data analysis. She attended lectures, tutorials and undertook seemingly unending assignments. Plus, this semester, the number of simulations had increased: already she had been woken several times to participate in night manoeuvres.
In the quiet times she missed Spock with an intensity that surprised her. The joys of her first solo flight or her team scoring top points in a negotiation simulation were diminished when she realised that she would not be sitting on the stairs, near the vending machine, sharing it all with Spock.
She ached to feel his calm, solid, presence beside her and to be able to just talk. She wanted to hear his dry wit and to bump shoulders with him. Uhura lectured herself when these moods came on: "You have chosen a life in which you'll make new friends and lose them constantly to new duty stations, and sometimes worse things, and you need to get used to it."
##
One night Nyota was vaguely surprised to find herself standing in front of the vending machine with a packet of Nut Combinations in her hand. She had meant to press the button for a Peppermint Cuptop. She frowned in confusion as she walked over and sat on the stairs, still staring at the box.
She read the ingredient list, then opened the pack and saw a neat row of small spheres with little sticks poking out. She plucked one out. Holding it carefully by the stick she placed it in her mouth and bit down. It was unexpectedly hard and she had to bite with some force. When the crust cracked it was soft, almost gummy, inside with a completely liquid centre. It was not sweet, but nutty and spiced and warming and … different. As the flavours warmed and vaporised in her mouth she smelled the rich combined spices.
She knew this scent. She felt as if a hand had gripped her heart and squeezed, hard. Spock. When he turned to toward her and spoke quietly and intently a whisper of this scent came from his mouth along with his words. As she sat beside him, her head tipped toward him, she drew that part of him into herself with every breath.
If at one of those moments she had turned her head a little more, leaned in and kissed him, this was the taste he would have shared with her as they touched lips and tongues.
Longing coiled through her, from her heart, through her chest and down her arms. She was hugging herself and breathing raggedly as she strove to protect her heart that hurt, actually physically hurt, in her chest. Nyota gave a quiet gasp that was half a sob.
She knew now that she was deeply and appallingly in love with a superior officer who was betrothed. How had that happened?
##
Three weeks more passed: if Uhura thought she was miserable before, she now knew she was wrong. Ironically, her new state of abject wretchedness actually benefited her work as she focused almost desperately on her studies and fitness conditioning.
She started to experience what she thought of as "lightning strikes." Absorbed in her work, she would suddenly feel a bolt of intense longing shoot through her - often with a vivid memory of Spock raising a questioning eyebrow, or glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, or tipping his head away from her and twisting it slightly as he did when he was uncomfortable with something she said. The lightning strikes left her dazzled and breathless with love.
After exhausting herself every night at the gym, in a mostly futile effort to ensure sleep, she'd feel impelled to go down the back stair to "their" spot by vending machine. She resisted. "I have to get over this," she told herself. "It's was not like we even have a romantic relationship." She was mystified that she'd fallen so totally in love with a man who had not even touched her, let alone kissed her. It was like something out of an old romance novel.
TBC…