With all this talk about Jamie Lynn Spears's pregnant-ness, I started thinking about premarital sex and all the crap that comes with it. So this will be a short story, I think, and it will be very interesting. I think. Promise you won't Brit-pick!

So, here we go. It'll be good, if I do say so myself ;)

Who's your Daddy?

Part One: The sex

Chapter One: The boyfriend

Hello, members of my audience today. I'm Lily Evans. You may know me, you may not, but in any case, I'm here to tell you a little story about myself. It starts with sex and it ends with a baby. But there's a whole lot of drama in between, let me tell you. First of all I'd like to let you know that when people say not to have sex before you're married, you should listen to them. They're probably right. While everything has worked out for me, it may not for you. Sure, sure, use a rubber, they say. You'll be fine. Well, my friends, condoms break sometimes, and when they do, you can get pregnant. Wow-ie, now you've got a baby on your hands. That sounds like fun. Just like that flour sack child you took care of in the seventh grade, eh? Not quite.

Anyhow, I must get on with it, I suppose.

James and I had been dating for quite a while. Two years, actually. So you'd think maybe we'd have had a bit of "fun." But no. Saint James, surprisingly enough, did not believe in premarital sex. The prat.

I mean, I'd been sweet little schoolgirl for a long time. But we're out of school now. We'd been dating for almost two years! So why, oh why wouldn't he sleep with me? I mean, obviously he slept with me. We lived together in a cute little apartment in—well, I can't reveal that. For all I know, you're a Death Eater.

James and I were in the Order of the Phoenix, a secret society that was created by Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard alive, to stop the evil plans of that asshole Lord Voldemort. Of course, if you are a Death Eater, you already know all this. And you're totally ready to kick my ass from here to California for insulting little Tommy Riddle.

Anyhow, James did sleep in the same bed as me. But the most clothing he'd taken off while we're in there was his shirt. And he got really angry with me if I tried to get in bed with my clothes off. I'd always thought he was an insufferable skirt chaser with no respect for women… but I guess this whole "no premarital sex" thing made James Potter a… virgin? Holy shit, I'd never thought about that before.

James had a report to finish for Dumbledore. He'd been looking into—well, that isn't important. He'd been looking into some seriously dark stuff, and he told me not to expect him until late. So I lay in bed, wishing he was there next to me. It was late September, and boy, was it cold! I was under the covers wearing flannels, and I was still shivering!

So then I heard James come into the room. "Lily?" he said. "That you?"

"What were the first words I spoke directly to you?" I sat up in bed and ask the security question, my hand gripping my wand just in case. I remembered that. James had been annoying Severus, and that was back when Sev and I were friends. Best Friends. So I had done the only thing I could think to do.

I punched James in the face. Then he had said, "Why did you just punch me in the face?" and I said… I waited silently for James to answer the question.

"'I think the real question here is 'why did your face just run into my fist?'" James replied with a small laugh.

I smiled, relaxing. It was definitely him. James made to sit on the edge of the bed, before remembering he should ask me, too. "What exactly did I ask when I asked you out and you said yes?" Oh, that was a good one. We had vowed never to tell anyone about how he finally got me to say yes to a date with him.

"'Lily, I don't care if you say no. I don't care if you say yes. But I feel like I have to give it one last go. I dunno if I've been imagining it or not, but you seem like you've been… I dunno… warming up to me, I guess. Maybe even fancying me… I dunno, maybe it's just wishful thinking… Lily, d'you want to go to Hogsmeade with me?'" I quoted. James looked amazed that I remembered the whole thing.

His face softened and his hazel eyes had that adorable puppy-dog look in them. He sat next to me on the bed and pulled me into him so that I was resting my head on his shoulder and he was resting his head on the top of mine. "I love you, Lils. You know that, right?"

"You only tell me every day," I sighed happily. "I love you too, James. Loads."

"Loads what?"

"I love you loads, you prat!" I said, giggling. James kicked off his shoes and began kissing me fervently. Then he stopped abruptly.

"I've been thinking, Lils."

"A dangerous pastime," I said solemnly.

"Seriously, Lily. I think… I mean, if it's okay with you… I think I'd like to have sex."

I looked at him, eyebrows raised. "What happened to no sex before marriage?"

"Well, Lily, I think you'll be glad to hear that you make me far too horny to last much longer without shagging you." He laughed, and I couldn't help but smile. "Not all men have endless self-restraint, and sadly, I am one of the many who do not. So, lets get going."

—THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED FOR EXPLICIT CONTENT AND OTHERWISE INAPPROPRIATE SUBJECT MATTER—

Afterwards, I lay all cuddled close to him. I was finally warm in the cold September night.

"That was fun," I said.

"Sure," James said sleepily.

I sat up. "You've finally lost your virginity and all you can say is 'sure?'"

James opened his eyes. "Well, it was great, Lils, it's just I've got nothing to compare it to."

"Are you implying I might be bad at sex?" I stood up and threw my nightshirt angrily over my head.

"No, I'm just saying I thought it was great, but I wouldn't know," he said, sitting.

"Are we really fighting about whether I'm good at sex or not?" I said shrilly.

"Well, I wasn't trying to fight, but if you think we're fighting then I guess we're fighting!" James stood up and faced me across the bed.

"Well, I didn't having sex with me was such a bad option! I suppose now you'd like to call up a friend—Anna-lee, per se—and see how she compares!"

"If that's the kind of guy you think I am, maybe we shouldn't have done anything!"

"If that's what you think, maybe we shouldn't have!"

"Well, then, let's go to bed and forget this ever happened!"

"FORGET IT! You can go to bed if you want to, and you can take as many girls as you want with you! Don't you get it, James? We fight too much! We just can't get along, ever, and we can't keep living together if we can't! And we sure as hell can't keep dating! Sometimes I think it was a mistake to say yes in the first place!" During this little monologue, I had been pulling all my things out of drawers and shoving them into my duffel bag.

James looked slightly stunned, but then his face hardened. "Sometimes I think it was a mistake to ask." He spat out bitterly. He turned and walked out the sliding glass doors to the balcony.

"ARRRRAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!" I shrieked. "See you around! Or, you know, not!"

The next thing I know, all I've got is my bag and about half of my dignity. I caught the Knight Bus and headed for Sirius's place. I mean, yeah, he was my ex-boyfriend's best mate. But he was my friend too. And boy, did I need a friend right then.

I'll pause our story for now. I'm sure you can deal with it. Maybe go have a cup of coffee or cocoa or something. It's the cold time again, isn't it? Flu shots and candy canes, that's what this time of year is all about.

Tune in soon for the next chapter of "Who's Your Daddy?"

A/N: I don't know if that was bad or good or what, but if I do say so myself, it was decent, at least.

Please review, even if you hate it! I just want to know how I can make it better.

Love,

she.said.sarcastically