Inner Demons of a Lonely Pyrokinetic

By: Alyssa Kelly

Date: July 1, 2008

Bobby, I have something to tell you and I hope you won't freak. I don't want to hear your disapproving comments, and I certainly don't want you to tell anybody else. We're friends, right? You can keep my secret.

The only reason I'm even telling you this is because I don't want you to feel like I wasn't your friend. I want you to know that I do care about you, and I don't ever want you to be sad because of me.

I'll try to explain things so you can understand them, but even if you don't, I'm sure you'll get the point.

I hate everyone here except for you. Yes, I even hate your precious Rogue. In fact, I think I hate her the most out of everyone. Ever since she's come to this school, you've been all up her ass. You think she's the best thing in the world, and guess where that leaves me? Alone.

I ponder things at night, like why do I get so angry when I think of her? Why do I want to destroy something when you leave me to go to her? Oh yeah. It's because I've had a crush on you since I first met you. You and your stupid blue eyes caught me in a stranglehold. It's something I can't escape, but I wish I could. I'd be in less pain. I'm not masochistic, Bobby, and this hurts me more than I'd like to admit.

You rub your "relationship" with her in my face and I just want to break your nose. I'd never do it though. You're far too pretty to sport a bruise. I wish I could hate you though. At least I'd just be alone. I wouldn't have to deal with the jealousy, the depression, or the tears.

I hate crying, Bobby. It's one thing you never see me do, because I cannot stand crying. It's pathetic and I just want to tear my eyes out every time you ditch me and those stabbing pains begin behind my eyes. I hate holding it all in too because my throat hurts so bad, and it's harder to hide when I can barely utter a "hello" when you come back.

Enough about this touchy subject. The damn stinging is back and I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry.

Want to know another thing I hate about being here? Of course you do. If you didn't, you wouldn't have read all the way to this point.

I hate being told that we'll be accepted one day. I hate that "we have to be patient and work diligently if we want to be tolerated". Fuck that. I want to fight for what should have rightfully been mine since the day I opened my eyes. I want to show the humans that we're not afraid and we can take care of ourselves. I want them to know that they cannot break us or destroy us.

I hate the things they teach here. I hate the sympathetic, yet angry teachers that tell us there's nothing wrong with us when we can't even leave the premises without being glared at like we're criminals.

We're the lucky ones, Bobby. We can blend in and pretend we're something we're not, which I hate more than anything, but there are others out there that can't hide. What about them? It isn't fair that we are denied the simple luxury of being able to be proud of who we are and where we've come from.

We're looked at as a disease, a plague that has been sent by God to test the faith of his followers, and these things the humans tell themselves make me sick. I can't stand biting my tongue whenever I hear a human talk about us like trash. I hate it even more that I can't roast them alive.

We're not a plague sent by "God", but if we were there would be no one left to prove anything to anybody. I would fucking kill them all and show them what the devil's eyes really look like. I'd let them feel what they'll feel forever in Hell. They signed their contract with the devil when they hated me for something I can't help but be.

This is what sets me apart from everyone here, even you. I won't wait for the humans to decide they're ready to accept me. I have made the choice to take what's mine, and I've come to realize that I must fight for what I believe in.

I've also decided that I won't wait for you to realize how much I love you. I think it'll be better that we break apart instead of trying to force a relationship to work when you obviously care for Rogue.

My place isn't here. It's not that hard to tell that I don't belong anyway. I stand out even here, where I'm supposed to be understood. I'm a delinquent, I'm reckless and I'm trouble. Everyone labels me the same. Teachers and students alike show me how different I am.

I'm sorry, Bobby. Even if you understand, even if you do love me the way I love you, I have to leave. This place isn't my home. It never has been and never can be.

Love,

John a.k.a. Pyro

"Hey, John, what are you doing?" Bobby asks as he shuts the door to our bedroom. Even from where I'm sitting on my bed, I can smell Rogue. It eats me up inside, but I shrug nonchalantly in response to his question.

I crumple up the paper I've worked on for hours and set it ablaze. Bobby watches with a perplexed look on his face, and I know he's itching with curiosity. I blow the blackened remains on him and smirk.

"This is going to be you after tomorrow's basketball game."

He laughs loudly and over-exaggeratedly. "You wish, Pyro."

"We'll see who's laughing afterwards, Iceman."

We share a laugh between friends and Bobby starts on his homework. I am once again left alone with my thoughts and I flick my Zippo open and closed. I don't even realize I'm doing it until Bobby turns around. I close it one last time and sit it aside to pick up my notebook instead.

I twirl the pen around in my fingers, wondering whether I should doodle or actually do my homework. I decide that while I'm still here, I might as well shock everyone by doing my homework at least a couple of times to prove that I can be something other than what they expect.

When I leave they'll realize that I am, and always have been, aching for acceptance from humans and mutants alike. I only hope that Bobby can one day forgive me for not being able to say goodbye.