The Go-between
Nardole watched as the Doctor rolled around him on a short stool wielding a hyperspanner. He thought he looked like an overgrown crab, especially when he stopped to pick up a micro clamp off the floor and held both tools aloft as he scooted back over to his tool box. "I don't understand what your problem is?" He complained to Nardole as he dropped both tools loudly into the bottom drawer.
Nardole could only blink dumbly at the Doctor's cluelessness. "And therein lies the problem. I'm not a toaster; you can't just fix me and then expect me to deal with your problem."
"My problem? I'm not the one with the problem. She's the one with the problem."
Nardole bent his right arm back and forth, hearing an annoying squeak the Doctor had left in his elbow. "So why am I needed? This has nothing to do with me."
"You work for her."
"Worked…as in past tense. I was quite happy in my new body."
"You had to share it with another head!"
"I didn't mind!"
It was the Doctor's turn to look dumbfounded. "Seriously? You enjoyed spending your off days confined to that sweaty sub basement?"
Nardole's face unconsciously winced at the memory even as he spoke in its defense. "It had universal wi-fi."
The Doctor waved his outstretched arms at Nardole and his restored body. "And now you have universal freedom!"
"So I'm free to leave then?" He took a few tentative steps towards the man door of the Tardis' maintenance bay.
Nardole's sudden desire to leave caught the Doctor off guard. "Uhh.." And irked him. "Ungrateful!"
"I didn't ask to be…!"
"Fine!" The Doctor relented. "Have it your way." He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and tapped its face.
Nardole hesitated at the door. "What are you doing?"
The Doctor looked at him sternly. "I'm calling your fraternal twin. Maybe he'd appreciate your body."
The look on Nardole's face became constipated and he emitted an uneasy squeak. "You can't do that!
"Why can't I?"
Before Nardole could reply, Ramon's voice could be heard through the Doctor's phone. "How can I help you Doctor?"
"Ramon, would you like …"
"Wait!" Nardole cried out as he scurried away from the exit and back towards the Doctor. He frantically tried to wave him off the phone. "Don't!" He hissed.
"Doctor? Are you there?" The Doctor still hadn't replied instead he looked up at Nardole and arched an eyebrow.
Nardol rubbed his hands seductively over the plaid button down shirt stretched tight across his chest and belly. "I do miss this body's overall softness."
The Doctor smirked and rolled his eyes as Nardole began swaying his hips. "Never mind Ramone," he groaned into the phone. Maybe this was a mistake? But desperate times called for desperate measures.
xXx
He hadn't seen or spoken to her in weeks. Their connubial bliss had lasted for quite a long time. Nearly fourteen years to be precise before they settled into a comfortable routine on their new home planet. Comfortable routine! Just thinking of the words pissed him off. Looking back, he knew they were both faking it. She probably did too, but neither of them wanted to be the first to admit it. And that's the reason 'it' happened.
She had tried to steal the Tardis-
Again!
And now they weren't speaking.
So it was his bright idea was to re-assemble Nardole's head back onto his body.
xXx
Location: River's penthouse apartment on the Southern Continent of Darrillum.
"He wants you to come home." Nardole told River in a high pitched sing-songy voice. It was his lame attempt at trying to soothe her.
"To the Tardis?" She asked bruskly with her back still to him.
"Uuuh…he's at the house." He smiled at her weakly even though she still wasn't looking at him.
"He doesn't trust me in the Tardis?" She suddenly turned around. He wished she hadn't. If looks could kill!
"Nooo."
Her eyes went wide and Nardole began panic. Words really weren't his forte. He was more of a touchy-feely kind a person. "No! I mean no as in…no that's not why!"He shook his head and added a little giggle on at the end that made his fleshy cheeks jiggle.
"Pleeeze!" She gave him an exaggerated eye roll and crossed her arms. "Pull the other one!"
"He just wants to talk."
"Well then, the bastard should have come himself."
Nardole shuffled uneasily on his feet. "He thought you might say that."
"And?"
"Aaand, he was worried there might be another trowel thrown at his head."
"Out!" She stalked towards him so fast he thought she might try to poke his eye out with the finger she was pointing at him. "Get out!"
He backpedaled, fumbling briefly with the doorknob before making it out to the safety of the hallway. Oh god! She followed him out and poked him in the chest with her outstretched finger.
"I know why he sewed your head back on!" (Poke) "So, you can tell him that the next time he wants to send me a message…," (Poke), "…he can send Ramone!" She pushed him backwards with a final poke of her finger before storming back into her apartment. She slammed the door closed for emphasis.
xXx
Location: The Doctor and River's two story custom built home built deep in the Great Conifer Forest of Darrilum's Northern Continent.
Nardole brought the Zip-Hopper in for another textbook landing. Not that anyone ever notices, he thought. He found the Doctor well into another game of what he would best describe as Gallifreyan solitaire, only this version used three hundred and thirty three round cards, each depicting a unique Gallifreyan symbol. A game could last days and it was currently spread across their entire living room floor. Nardole tiptoed over a row of cards.
"Watch where you're stepping," the Doctor chided without looking up from the floor.
"And there's the warm welcome I'd been so looking forward to." He stepped into a cardless spot next to the Doctor.
"I take it she's not with you."
"Clever deduction."
Nardole's snide remark finally elicited a look from the Doctor from under his furrowed eyebrows. "I expected as much." He placed the card he was holding down on the line that was running off at a right angle to his left knee and then struggled to his feet.
"So why did you bother sending me?"
"Every act of diplomacy has to start somewhere."
"Diplomacy?"
"Yesss," he replied taking large step over a bisecting line of cards before heading off towards the kitchen. Nardole carefully tiptoed the same path. The Doctor made a fresh pot of coffee while Nardole sat at the kitchen table and watched quietly. When the coffee was ready, the Doctor poured himself a cup and sat down across from Nardole.
The Doctor drank and Nardole hummed to himself as he watched him drink the first cup…and then a second cup. He finally had enough when the Doctor sat back down with his third cup.
"Aren't you going ask me what she said?" He blurted out in frustration.
The Doctor was taking a sip when Nardole spoke and he screwed up his mouth as if his coffee had suddenly turned bitter. He kept his eyes fixed on his cup as he set it back down. "Tell me then," he said, giving his head a slight tilt to the left. "What did she have to say?"
"She said the next time you want to send someone with a message, send Ramon."
Nardole would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't interested in seeing the Doctor's reaction. He didn't have long to wait. He couldn't tell if it was a scowl or a smile that flickered across the Doctor's lips because he quickly hid it behind his coffee cup. What happened next was easier to read.
The Doctor drained his cup and then slammed the empty mug down on to the table with such force the handle broke off. He stood up in a hurry, shaking off the creamic handle still crooked in his finger. It clattered across the table and off onto the floor. He exited the room without a word.
"That's what I thought you'd say," Nardole mumbled to the empty kitchen.
xXx
Location: River's Penthouse three weeks later.
Nardole kept knocking till she yanked open the front door. "What took you so long?" She remarked coolly before turning away to leave him standing there. It wasn't a formal invitation to enter, but he thought it was close enough.
"I've missed you too," he called out sweetly to her retreating back and watched as she made her way around piles of ancient artifacts littering her home. "Love what you've done with the place," he said following her inside. Reaching the couch she shoved aside a stack of Darillium history books and plopped down. He went to sit down next to her but River put out her hand to block his path.
"Don't get comfortable."
He backed up a few paces and bumped into one of the many large terra cotta vases cluttering her apartment. He heard it teeter for a moment and then breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't hear it fall over and shatter. "Sorry," he squeaked.
River placed her hands over her eyes and sighed loudly as she leaned back and rested her head against the couch. "So what does he want now?"
"Same thing." He swung his arms nervously. "He wants you to come home."
She slid her hands down her face as she raised her head up to look at him. "Which home"
Nardole clasped his hands together in earnest, hoping this would be what she wanted to hear. "The Tardis."
She looked surprised. "Really?"
"Uh huh." He smiled and blinked nervously.
River knew his tell. He was holding back and she knew what it was. "He's locked me out of the controls, hasn't he?" She could tell by Nardole's squinty eyes and uneasy smile that she was right.
"Does it really matter?" Bad choice of words! He thought as she rose from the couch.
"Does it really matter! She repeated loudly.
xXx
Location: The Tardis.
"What the hell happened to you?" The Doctor asked Nardole as he came shuffling into the Tardis.
"Your wife." Nardole's right knee now had an awful squeal and his right arm hung at an awkward angle off his shoulder.
"What's that you're carrying?"
In his left hand Nardole was holding a large terra cotta vase. It was the one he'd almost knocked over in her apartment. "It's a gift for you."
"For me?" The Doctor took a step forward as Nardol set the vase down with a sharp bang on the console room's metal flooring.
"You really don't want it," he replied.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm supposed to give it to you like the one she gave me."
"Oh," the doctor grimaced as Nardole's injuries finally added up. "Did she say anything?"
"She said you could go…
xXx
Loction: River's penthouse the next day.
River paced in front of Nardole, impatient to hear her husbands reply.
"The Doctor said that what you want him to do is physically impossible; though if he were a Brunellian Octopoid, he could do it eight times…all at once."
She couldn't help smiling. Damn him! "Did you give him my present?"
Nardole nodded.
"Like I asked you to?"
He knew better than to say no, so he shrugged his shoulders instead.
"Dear God! If you want something done right…" She walked away, never finishing the phrase. She opened a door to another room and disappeared inside.
Nardole stood there not knowing what to do. Was she coming back? Should he leave? About the time he turned back towards the front door River emerged from the ante room and strode purposefully towards him. "Here, give him this."
Nardole's eyes went wide.
xXx
"Back so soon?" The Doctor commented as he circled around the console. He rested his backside against console's metal edge and crossed his arms as he waited for Nardol to make his way down the ramp.
Nardole gave him a fake laugh before stopping a few feet away.
The Doctor crossed his feet and took a more relaxed pose in and effort to seem disinterested. "What did she have to say this time?"
"She didn't say anything?"
That was concerning. He uncrossed his feet and stood up straighter. "Why not?"
"Becase she gave me something instead."
"What?"
Nardole reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out what she'd given him and held it out. The Doctor's face turned as red as the lacy underwear dangling from Nardol's thumb and forefinger. He snatched them from Nardole's hand and stormed out of the room.
xXx
Location: River's penthouse one day later.
"Well?" River asked, not getting up from where he found her lounging on her couch.
Nardole hadn't bothered to knock because he knew she never bothered to lock a door.
"You're not going to off me a refreshment?"
"You won't be here long enough."
His lips fluttered as he blew out a breath in exasperation. "This is getting embarrassing."
"For the Doctor?" She asked.
"No. For me." He crossed his arms and tapped his foot at her.
"Oh for heavens sake!" River rose from the couch and headed into her kitchen. She grabbed a vacuum packed Fizzer and tossed it at him. "Happy?" She plopped back down on the couch.
Nardol twisted the cap off its plastic tube open and took a long sip. "Very," he said as he twisted the cap back on.
"So?"
He spoke slowly and rhythmically, because the Doctor told him to make sure he got it right. "He wants me to tell you…thank you for the lovely gift…but he could use a size larger… they're a little tight…and they're causing him a fair amount of chaffing."
River tried and failed to suppress her laugh. "Well if they're really causing him that much of a problem he can just…"
It was Nardole's turn to blush.
xXx
Location: The Doctor and River's home two hours later.
Nardole thought the Doctor looked like a crab again as he moved about using his arms and legs to carefully traverse the multiple bisecting lines of cards on his living room floor. He was trying to find out where he went wrong in his game. Nardole watched as he shoved aside an entire line of cards.
"Yoo hoo!" He called out, hoping an upbeat greeting would alter the Doctor's mood. It didn't.
"What now?" He snapped. He was always cranky when he lost.
Well, I can't possibly make things worse, he thought. And he proceeded to tell the Doctor, in exacting detail, all the things that River told him he could do with her underwear.
Other than rearranging a few cards back into a new line, the Doctor showed no reaction to what he was hearing. It wasn't until Nardol stopped talking that the Doctor stopped messing with the cards. Groaning as he stood up, he stretched his lower back and then made his way over to the couch. He sighed as he stretched out on his back. "Ahhhhh."
Nardole turned to leave.
"Where are you going?" The Doctor finally spoke.
"I've got things to do."
"Yes you do. I need you to take her my reply."
Nardole gave an exaggerated sigh and turned back around.
""Tell her…," he pondered a moment and then smiled. "Tell her that I still have eleven regeneration left and that I could do all of that if I regenerated into a woman." He squinted up an eye and hesitated. "Well, two of those things."
Nardole shook his head at the nonsense going on between them. The Doctor read it as something else.
"Ok…ok, you're right. But I could definitely pull off the last one if I were a woman. You tell her that."
"Do I have to?"
The Doctor gave him a cross glare with his eyebrows. "Yes, now off you go."
Nardol was beginning to feel like a yo-yo.
xXx
Location: The kitchen in River's penthouse.
Nardole passed on the Doctors reply.
River stopped peeling the hair like fringe off the end of her pava fruit. "I hadn't thought of that," she said. And as she stood there, motionless, with the pava fruit in one hand and a paring knife in the other, Nardol could tell that River was playing out a scenario in her head. He then caught her staring at the knife in her hand.
"No…no. You don't want to go there." He rebuked the thought she was having.
"Oh come on, I would never." She teased with a diabolical grin. "It would be fun though…wouldn't it?" She said, winking. "And if he bothered to put some effort into it…he could be the same dress size as me and we could share clothes." She tossed her head back with a laugh. "Oh, that would be marvelous!"
"He thought you might say that, because he called me while I was on my way over in the Hopper and said to tell you that if he did come back as a woman, he'd track down and marry one of your husbands just to spite you."
"He would." She said, deftly slicing through the pink fruit. She handed Nardole half.
"You can tell him that since Gallifreyans recognize multiple marriages, that I'd be more that willing to engage in…"
She got so descriptive that Nardole had to borrow a pen and pad to take notes.
xXx
Location: The Tardis console room.
"What's happenin'?" The Doctor called down to Nardol as he swiveled around in his desk chair up on the Tardis' upper level.
Seriously? "What's happenin'?" Nardole trudged over to the base of the stairs. "I think you know what's happening."
The Doctor tilted of his head before replying. "Do I?"
"Yes, it's called foreplay."
"What are you talking about?" He rose from his chair and started down the stairs.
"This." He held up the folded sheet of paper between his thumb and forefinger of the notes he'd taken."
The Doctor frowned and snatched it from Nardole's hand when he reached the bottom stair. He brushed past him and unfolded it as he walked off to the other side of the console. Nardol continued with his complaint about the situation.
He tossed the key to the Zip-Hopper onto the console. "I'm not doing this anymore," he said in exasperation. The Doctor gave him a quick glance up from the paper but then returned to reading. "I may not be a full organic, but I still have feelings…and you two can't keep expecting me to not get...," the Doctor's laugh interrupted him. Oh, to hell with this! Nardol made his way around the console and snatched the paper back out of the Doctor's hand.
"Hey, that's private!" He complained.
"No, Doctor." Nardole said, fixing his gaze with the Doctor's. "That's the problem. It isn't."
The Doctor scrunched up his face in annoyance.
Nardole returned the look and said angrily. "If you don't go...and have make-up sex with your wife right now! I swear…I will screw one or both of you if that's what it takes to end this…and I'm not very picky at the moment!"
He'd never seen the Doctor at a loss for words before, but his semaphoric blinking seemed to say, Whaaat? Nardole held up the paper in an effort to help the Doctor make up his mind.
"Right," the Doctor said, taking back the sexually suggestive paper before grabbing the Hopper keys off the console. "Don't wait up."
"Believe me," Nardole replied, sounding relieved. "I won't."