Ah ha! Back from the dead and still haunting. Ya'll thought I was gone, ya'll thought...Well okay I'm still technically gone cuz I probably won't write for my other stories but one day I might. Either way here have this song fic that's based off The Last Time by Taylor Swift featuring Gary Lightbody. As I recommend you do with any song fic you read, you should totally listen to the song that goes with the fic.
Shizuo didn't know how his life had ended up like this. Standing in front of a door he had known most of his life. A door he had not stood at in a long long time. Technically it isn't even this door, he had broken down two before this one. It's simply the apartment he knows. The person who lives here is what's so important.
Shizuo remembers the night he stumbled against the door, laughing at nothing because he's so drunk. Enjoying the feeling of forever and Izaya under his arm. He can see them giggling over how the man next door came out walking his dog as an excuse to spy on them. The image of Izaya's face red from the alcohol with the sound of his voice telling Shizuo he can hold his liquor. A bold face lie, but anything less wouldn't be Izaya.
Shizuo also remembers the night he came here yelling and screaming. One of the times he's busted Izaya's door down. He thinks of how the sight of the raven made his blood boil and mind race. How conflicted he always felt when Izaya came to mind. The man he hated or the man he loved?
It feels strange to knock: Shizuo hadn't knocked on this door in years. Only when he first actually started coming, but soon after he just had a key. Shizuo had long since lost that key.
Shizuo holds in a breath when he hears the lock undo. His heart flutters in anticipation and aches a little at being alive again. It's been ten years since it has fully been in use.
The door opens to reveal the man who left so many years ago. Izaya hasn't changed, his hands still slender and nimble, his collarbone still sticks out and he still looks just as good as when he left. Forever twenty-three Shizuo chuckles darkly.
Though it's Izaya's eyes that strike Shizuo the most. They haven't changed, still sharp and show so much emotion. When they first met he thought they were cold and emotionless but then again he didn't know much when they first meet. Shizuo didn't understand the way Izaya worked. He didn't know what the twitch of a smile meant, or the look in his eyes when Izaya first said he loved Shizuo. He didn't know Izaya chewed his bottom lip, that the back of knee made him spastic or that Izaya absolutely detested marshmallows for some unknown reason.
Shizuo can't help but feel relieved he's not the only one who hasn't changed.
"You look good." Izaya says, opening the door more and he moves to lean against the frame. He means it too, time has been good to Shizuo. The blonde has laugh lines that fit his face. It gives him a look that almost says wisdom, though Izaya knows that's not true. Shizuo is just one of those people that slowly look better when they grow older.
"It's been a while." Shizuo says, though a while is an understatement. Ten years count as a long time, though to Shizuo it counts as a lifetime. Izaya just smirks before getting off the doorframe and going inside. Him leaving the door open is telling Shizuo to come inside.
"Do you member the first time we kissed?" Izaya asks suddenly completely taking Shizuo by surprise. The raven went into the kitchen to where a mug was sitting on a counter. Shizuo stayed by the entryway, staring at the apartment. It was so nostalgic and new to him. Shizuo wasn't sure if it was just him remembering the first time he walked into the place or not.
"You mean the first first time or the official first time?" Shizuo went over to where Izaya stood. Izaya leaned the small of his back against the counter. Shizuo watched as Izaya took a hesitant sip of whatever it is in the mug. The steam flooded his face a second before the liquid touched his lips.
"The first first time." Izaya said with amusement. He held the mug with both hands, staring into it. Izaya's eyes gleamed as he remembered it. In highschool around Valentine's Day he had put a note in Shizuo's locker. It had been for experimental reasons, pure curiosity of how Shizuo would react. The blonde had been embarrassed reading it but went to the place that it asked to meet anyway. They met up in a closet, Izaya had made sure to take the light out so they were in the complete dark. His voice was timid and scared, void of all its usual arrogance and charm, when he had told Shizuo of his make believe crush. That he was scared of Shizuo's rejection. It was a great performance if Izaya said so himself. So great he had gotten Shizuo to kiss him.
"What was it like for you?" Izaya remembered every detail of it. At the time he saw it as if it were someone else doing it. A calculated move to find out more about Shizuo's responses. Something he easily distanced himself from with no shame. Izaya didn't want to admit he wished that his highschool self cherished the moment more.
"I was completely nervous. You were the first person to confess to me." Shizuo smiled, the irony was not lost on him. Even when Shizuo thought he could of been with someone else it had always been Izaya. It was always Izaya.
"You kissed me with such tenderness...I made fun of you in my head the entire time." Izaya confessed with a laugh. Though now he rubbed the back of his neck. Shizuo always put his hand to the back of Izaya's neck, angling him just for Shizuo, whenever he wanted to kiss with feeling. That time had been no different. The blonde had gingerly put his hand there, making Izaya look up before they kissed. He had put his hand on Izaya's hip, the same spot it'll have for years.
"I thought I'd break you. It would of made a horrible first kiss if I had." Shizuo grumbled, they had talked about this before but it was still a sore spot. He didn't like being criticized for what he did in highschool. Then it hit Shizuo: why were they taking about this?
"You're trying to distract me." Shizuo concluded, his voice was an almost growl. Izaya's expression told him that he was true. There was no point denying it and no way he could.
"Why did you leave?...Why did you not come back?" Shizuo finally asked when it was clear Izaya had no intention to answering. Shizuo continued to stare at Izaya. He watched the raven take another sip from the mug. It's steam wasn't as strong anymore, Shizuo could barely tell it was there.
"I told you I wasn't going to." Izaya stated simply, he turned to Shizuo to give him an uncaring look. It wasn't Izaya's disdain that angered Shizuo, it was the lie.
"Bullshit! You had always said you weren't going to come back but always did." Shizuo slammed his against the counter. If it had been with anyone else they would of jumped but Izaya didn't. He let out a sigh, this was the behavior he expected from the blonde. This typical behavior was not what made everything fun.
"But I never did come back, I was chased back." This reply had shocked Shizuo. His eyebrows knot in obvious confusion.
"You didn't chase, so I didn't come back. You were the one to break the rules." Izaya sighed, he was tired of having to explain why nothing was ever his fault. Shizuo needed to just get through his thick skull that this was just how they were.
"Rules! Izaya, we aren't a game! Life isn't a game. There were no rules to break." Immediately Shizuo saw Izaya's reaction. At first he was taken aback, as though he couldn't believe what he had just heard. There was a fast process system in Izaya, so the shock didn't last for long.
"All we ever were was a game! Cat and mouse, that's how this works. That's what we did." Izaya set his mug down to gesture all around them. He had taken a step further, narrowing his sharp eyes at Shizuo. The blonde couldn't suddenly take back all that they were because Shizuo decided he didn't like it anymore. This was a lifetime commitment and they both knew it.
"No, Izaya that's what you did. I didn't sign up for my heart to be played and broken. My love for you is no game." Shizuo took a threatening step forward, pointing at Izaya. Though Izaya stood there eyes wide looking at Shizuo. These were the words they never spoke. Love was not something Izaya wanted to be talking about now, even though that's all they ever spoke of. They tiptoed the notion for years. Hell they've even told each other they loved the other. That was years ago, that was not today.
"Was, Shizuo. Past tense. There's no point in trying to raise dead feelings." Izaya tried to take his thoughts back: He no longer wanted a lifetime commitment to this man. He wanted Shizuo out of his apartment that's what he wanted. That was not what he was going to get and they both knew it.
"It never will be was, Izaya. Why do you always have a problem accepting that?" Shizuo's voice betrayed him: he sounded hurt, hurt like a man who's heart just keeps getting crushed.
"Maybe my problem Shizuo isn't so much accepting it as it is you giving it." It, Shizuo thought, Izaya can't even say the word love. Izaya couldn't use it unless he was toying with it.
"You weren't the one to watch me leave at the first sign of something real. You didn't have to listen to me threaten to never come back." Shizuo practically spat, his face twisted in an emotion Izaya couldn't tell was anger or sadness. He also didn't want to know. Izaya had taken a step back, he needed to clear his head. Shizuo followed though, making sure that he was still very well into Izaya's personal space.
"Oh no you don't. You don't get to use your pretty words and clever brain to fight your way out of this. I want you to tell me straight out. Why?"
"Shizuo stop it." There was too much noise in Izaya's head. They were messing with skeletons Izaya had buried so deep that he couldn't see them anymore. But he could see them now, ghost white and coming back to haunt. Though Shizuo was fueled on years of these buried emotions and they burnt bright. Izaya tried to walk to his couch to sit down, to stop the migraine he was getting, to just get away.
"Oh come Izaya. You wanted to talk about the past, well now you've got it. What do you want to start with? Hmm maybe the day I said I loved you. Because you laughed at me, laughed. You went on about how monsters weren't made to love, blabbing your usual nonsense. You don't say that to people you love Izaya." Shizuo yelled, throwing his hands wherever like he was focused on not touching anything in particular but everything at once. Izaya could tell Shizuo was aching to hit something.
"Or maybe we should talk about the day you straight out admitted you cheated. Right there in the middle of dinner! Like it was the fucking weather." Izaya remembered that night. He thought it would be interesting to mention it over dinner because the other man had been business. Izaya hadn't thought anything of it and still didn't. The man was even more of a fog than he had been on that day, nothing special of the sort.
Suddenly a pain spread from skull. First it had been on his cheek and ache like his head cracking. Then a second on the back of his head. If his migraine didn't fully hit, he definitely had one now. The world spun as Izaya tried to organize his thoughts. It took a lot of pressure around his neck to get his thoughts in order. It took him a full moment to understand what happened.
Izaya had been laughing, full fled burst of joy. Shizuo was being an idiot about something that didn't matter, angry about random moments in life that held no meaning. In Shizuo's ever so urge to hit something, he found a pretty good target for such rage. The punch slammed Izaya to the ground, his skill actually bouncing off the ground from all the force. Izaya was still laughing.
"What Shizu-chan? You really planning to do something?" Izaya smiled widely at the blonde above him who held his neck dangerously. Izaya watched with a morbid fascination and joyous realization. This Shizuo was the one he had told he loved. This is the Shizuo he played cat and mouse with. Time had been good to Shizuo.
"Why?" Shizuo growled out as the pressure on Izaya's neck tighten. Izaya felt the curl of Shizuo's fingers, could feel the bruises form and the blood rushing in his veins. Izaya's smile faltered at the question but never fully went away.
"Because we want different things." Izaya watched as Shizuo's eyebrows unknotted, he was slowly starting to get it.
"Why?" Shizuo practically sobbed as he slumped down against the raven. The top of his head rested on the floor as his face was buried against the crook of Izaya's neck. Shizuo could feel Izaya's thighs as they rested against his hip. The body beneath him was so familiar and so foreign.
It had been years since they had been this close yet their bodies still fit like puzzle pieces. Shizuo could still fit his arms around the small of Izaya's back. Izaya could still rest his arms comfortably on Shizuo's shoulders.
"Because you want the life you can never have. You want the simple life. That white picket fence with two kids and loving parents. That isn't us, Shizuo. It isn't me." Shizuowanted to tell Izaya he was wrong. That was them, that it could be them. Though Shizuo never really was one for lying.
"It was always you. It could never be anyone else." Shizuo confessed. He had always wondered what his life would of been without Izaya. Not much of a life. Or who he could of chosen that would have been better. No one. It only ever could be him and Izaya and that fucking sucked.
"You have to choose, Shizu-chan." Though Shizuo felt he was left with no choices. He wanted to be twenty-four again. He wanted to go back and relive his care free time with Izaya. To go back and pretend there was nothing more in life than fighting back and forth while being so in love. Shizuo didn't realize how horrible permanent was.
"I'd never make a good trophy husband." Izaya laughs, though they both know technically it would be the other way around. Shizuo can't help but laugh with him. There on the floor laughing together makes him think back again.
It was late at night, a time that's so ungodly you don't understand why you're up. Though they both are, not for reasons Shizuo can remember. The whole apartment is trashed though. There's broken furniture, glass, and blood everywhere. Shizuo remembers breathing heavily, standing there watching Izaya sit in the middle of the room. He's sitting on his legs looking at the ground with hair in his face. All Shizuo can remember is that he's never seen Izaya look so defeated before.
Shizuo walks over and sits right in front of him, though Izaya refuses to look up. Looking at him closer, Shizuo notices the shards of glass in his bare feet and heavy breathing, though his is unstable and rapid. Shizuo pulls Izaya against him, pulling him into his lap like that of a child. Izaya's hair is still in his face, blocking his expression but Shizuo can make out his quiet sobbing and Izaya's tight grip on Shizuo's shirt. He remembers sitting there for what seemed like hours, resting his chin on Izaya's head just letting the raven cry it out. But there's something missing and Shizuo can't figure out exactly what he's remembering.
Then it hits him. Shizuo remembers Izaya's next words. "Y-you can never stop chasing because I love you." It's the look in Izaya's eyes that hits Shizuo hard. They're filled with a vulnerability that isn't Izaya. It's something else that Izaya had never shown Shizuo until then. Then Shizuo gets what Izaya means. He had been a complete idiot thinking Izaya meant it literally.
"So Shizu-chan, will you continue to chase or give up our game?"
Warning really long getting-weight-off-my-chest personal monologue, so if you don't care skip it:
I really wanted to explain exactly why I wrote this because if any of you guys know me I haven't updated a story in months(which btdubs so sorry wish that would change but I'm unreliable). Though this whole story is basically me writing about my relationship with a super close friend of mine. This is sorta me trying to get out how I'm feeling at the current moment about her and I and where we stand. I'm the Izaya and she's the Shizuo in the story(though she's very much the Shizuo I was pretty much just using him to describe everything I felt or what I think my friend thinks of me). I avoid and run away from things I shouldn't. Where it's at the point of me wanting to say it's about her not giving me enough love, when it's really my issue with accepting it properly. It's me starting conversations I don't actually want to finish and me trying to constantly trying to get off the topic. It's of remembering all the good and bad times we've had together. It's of us knowing this is a long term thing and how I don't think we're sure whether or not we want to make that long time relationship a life time one. It's about me wanting to laugh because I'm being ridiculous because we're in highschool, we've got a long fucking road ahead of us before we need to start asking this question. So I guess that's why I left the very last question open-ended because I don't know the answer. I don't know how to get through this funk I'm feeling about my relationship with my friend. Because I know I love her but I'm not sure if that's enough and that's what this story was about.
Touchy feely stuff done
I know I make my song fics really ambiguous(or maybe it's just me who thinks that), so if anyone wants a run down of it just let me know; I can totally make another chapter explaining this. I was listening to The Last Time by Taylow Swift featuring Gary Lightbody last night and was hit with inspiration. So I totally wrote this at like 3 in the morning cuz that's just what I does.
Reviews are appreciated.