AN: so it's my first doctor who fanfiction! if you read any glee fanfics, you'll know me from over there….but anyways. i felt like in A Good Man Goes To War when river was talking to the doctor near the end, the doctor didn't get as emotional as i wanted him too. i understand the whole anger bit was in replacement of that, but still… i feel like he would have hit his breaking point there. am i the only one who felt that way? anyways, i don't own doctor who. oh and also, i apologize in advanced if anyone seems OOC. i've never written this fandom before.
"This was exactly you! You make them so afraid. When you began all those years ago-sailing off to see the universe-did you ever think you'd become this? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name! Doctor: the word for healer and wise man throughout the universe. We kept that word for you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma forests, Doctor means mighty warrior. How far you've come! And now they've taken a child. The child of your best friends. And they're going to turn her into a weapon just to bring you down. And all this, my love, in fear of you."
As River speaks, tears well up in his eyes. The pain just won't go away. It's all the time, it's a constant thing. He destroyed his own planet-his own species. He has terrified so many other species into giving up everything, into becoming something they're not. He's caused the almost death of Rose. He caused Donna to lose so many of her cherished memories. And as River Song tells him all about all those god damn thing's he's done, he begins to cry.
"You think I don't know what I've done? You think I like this? I can't handle this, River! I can't handle any of it. I try so hard-so so hard-to save people. To make people happy. And in the end, what happens? Everyone is miserable again. I can't even save one of my best friends own child!" The Doctor breaks down. His knees crumple, and down he goes. He forgets all the questions he wanted to ask River previously. He just sits there, on the dusty ground, and sobs. His head is rested on his knees and he's rocking back and forth-back and forth back and forth-and he just can't stop. The pain is like regenerating three times over. It feels like his heart is being ripped to shreds and he claws at his chest with one hand but it just won't stop.
The Doctor begins to whisper to himself in a pain-filed voice, "I killed everyone. Everyone. Everyone on my planet. Oh god-my planet. The people dying. I can still hear them screaming. They never stop." In his head, he hears the terrified screams of his fellow Time Lords and Ladies and it still just won't stop and it's all too much to process at once. He clutches his hair and starts to whimper, still rocking back and forth.
"Oh God, River! You've broken him!" Amy says in horror, her eyes never leaving the broken figure of the Doctor. All three of them stand and watch as the Time Lord breaks down but what can they do to help him? Nothing. Amy tries to walk towards him but Rory pulls her back against him. What can Amy-a mere mortal-do to help him? She's never felt the seemingly excruciating pain the Doctor is going through. None of them have; not even River.
The Doctor still hasn't stopped rocking. The jumble of thoughts in his head are too much for even him to comprehend and he has to keep moving or else he will die. He knows-in the rational part of his brain, however small-that if he stops rocking he won't die. But right now, the more irrational part of him is taking over and he just can't stop. Everything he's done in his whole life is catching up with him in this one moment. The stress and the pain-that goddamn pain that is with him in the back of his mind all the time-just won't go away. He just wants to stop feeling everything.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the rational part of the Doctor's brain begins to overtake the irrational and he stops rocking. He lets go of his hair, a few strands still clinging to his shaking hands. He looks up at them, wiping tears from his dead eyes before climbing his way to his feet. "I'm sorry if I scared you," he says in a detached tone.
River backs away from him, "I'm sorry. I don't know how to make it better." The Doctor bites back a laugh and stares at her. Not unkindly, but definitely not the way he usually does.
"Of course you don't. Have you ever killed your own family? I had kids. Do you think I would purposely kill my own family? I had no choice. I've been stuck with this responsibility and I know sometimes I mess up. What else can I do?" he begs. He turns on his heel and strides over to the TARDIS, pointing his sonic at the barrier standing between them. He turns to the Pond's and quietly says "I'll find your daughter. Meanwhile, I think you should talk to River. She has some thing's she'd like to explain."
River looks over at him shocked. How could he have figured it out while he was so crazy? The Doctor glances back at her in amusement before entering the TARDIS, never looking back.
He would do whatever it took to find Melody Pond because she is River Song. Even if she has broken him beyond repair, what can he do? He's a Doctor. He has to help.