Another frosty day in Skyrim found the dragonborn, archmage of the College of Winterhold, and all around good guy, Theryl, standing outside of Dimhollow Crypt with his trusty dremora sidekick, Chuckles. The nine divines had spun the wheel of random destruction and decided that the new world menacing threat, after the world-eater and that blasted Eye of Magnus, would be vampires; terrible blood sucking fiends who preyed on the weak and terrorized the small holdings that dotted Skyrim's landscape. Fortunately for all mortals, the dragonborn was on the case! Armed with Dawnbreaker, an artifact of the Daedric Prince Meridia, forged for the express purpose of slaying the undead and further refined by the dragonborn's own considerable smithing skills, the violent curs would soon meet their reckoning!
Burp!
Theryl leaned against the stone mountain, desperately trying to stop his vision from swimming. If he had eaten any food in the past three days he would have already thrown it up.
"By the nine," Theryl groaned, "what have I done to deserve this illness?"
"The four barrels of Honningbrew mead might have something to do with it," Chuckles said, idly picking his teeth. The dremora had long since grown accustomed to the dragonborn's love of drink.
"I had to drink all of that," Theryl wheezed, "it was an experiment to see if alcohol would boost the power of my fire breath. As archmage it is my solemn duty to further science through research. Even if it comes at great personal harm."
"You didn't even attempt to breathe fire last night."
Theryl straightened up, taking a long drink from a canteen of water. "Last night was the control. We will move on to the next stage of the experiment in due time, of course."
"Of course," Chuckles said, shaking his head. "Perhaps we should move on to exploring this dull abyss? It is, after all, the reason why we came here."
Theryl sighed. "Yes, let's get on with it. We've got draugr to kill."
"We're here tracking vampires. Not draugr."
"There are always draugr," Theryl said.
"Not necessarily. Sometimes-"
Theryl spun on his heels, placing his face a breath's distance from Chuckle's. His bushy brown beard tickling the dremora's pointed chin.
"There are always draugr, Chuckles. Always."
Chuckles retched as Theryl's breath assaulted his nostrils. A scent so foul and noxious that it would be right at home in the deepest pits of Oblivion.
"Nevertheless," Chuckles leaned back, desperate for fresh air, "there are also vampires in here. Vampires that you promised Isran to defeat."
Theryl groaned. The tall nord turned away from his dremora companion and trudged into the dark cave guided by the light of his trusty travel lantern that he wore attached to his waist.
"You know, I've saved Skyrim from utter destruction twice already," Theryl said, "the next time some world ending catastrophe comes my way I'm going to rock back and let it happen."
"I completely agree. This worthless world needs to be blessed by the fire of Lord Dagon," Chuckles said.
"Exactly! Like, sometimes I think that the world is meant to be destr-wait a minute!"
The travel lantern threw odd shadows over Chuckles's face, making the dremora look even more dangerous and sinister than before. His lips were curled upward in a devious smile and his eyes burned with a hidden fire.
"Let's just keep going," Theryl said.
"Of course, master."
Theryl had fought his way through many of the ruins that dotted Skyrim's landscape, growing accustomed to how they were laid out. Most of them were draugr infested hells that stank of stale, cold air, and rotting flesh. He expected this one to be nothing different. After a brief journey through the natural rock, the dragonborn and the dremora heard the sound of voices and they drew to a halt. An almost imperceptible sound, the merest whisper, blew through the cave.
"Two vampires," Theryl said, "definitely humanoids. And what looks like a dog. Bloodsuckers keep dogs?"
"Death-hounds," Chuckles said. "Vicious beasts. How will we be approaching this, master? Are we simply going to bring an end to their pitiful existence or are you feeling for some sport?"
"Feeling for my bed, honestly," Theryl said. His stomach churned and the cave air was doing nothing to ease his nausea. He took another drink of water from his little canteen and stretched his arms. "I'll handle this group myself. It'll be a nice workout."
Theryl stomped forward, his steps echoing throughout the cavern, attracting the attention of the vampires. The two humanoids his shout detected regarded him with thinly veiled curiosity.
"Now what do we have here," The taller vampire, a dunmer with red eyes and wrinkled skin, said.
"Fresh prey," The other, a short female, said. "How lucky are we that a delightful morsel simply wanders in out of the cold."
The death-hound let out a menacing growl and took off at speed. Its masters chuckled as it raced across the cave floor and leaped at Theryl, intending to sink its teeth into the dragonborn's neck. Theryl took a deep breath and let loose a gout of flame—white hot dragonfire—that turned the hound to ash. The vampires barely had time to register what had happened before there was a flash of blue light and they found Theryl standing right beside them.
The female hissed and began casting a spell to drain Theryl's vitality. With his left hand the dragonborn threw up a ward that effortlessly repelled the monster's pitiful spell. He unsheathed Dawnbreaker, casting its holy light over those who would have him be prey, and in one smooth motion he sent the female's head rolling. The male vampire was on him immediately, attacking Theryl with an ebony dagger he had pulled from his belt. Theryl wove his way around the vampire's strikes easily, goading him away from the wall into an open space.
"Damn mortal!" The vampire hissed.
His frustration led him to lunge towards Theryl where his dagger and the arm it was attached to were sent flying by a quick swipe from Dawnbreaker. Theryl spun and plunged the blade into the vampire's back. Dawnbreaker's light grew blindingly bright before sending out an explosion of blue flame that passed harmlessly through Theryl, but would have annihilated any undead creature had any remained.
Chuckles casually descended the stairs, daedric armor glinting menacingly in what little light reached it.
"Quick work as always, master."
Theryl stood tall and proud, surveying the destruction he had wrought, before promptly dropping to his knees. He retched, trying in vain to hold back the oncoming flood, and threw up all of the water he had drank during the day.
Theryl groaned. "All that spinning and swordplay messed me up."
"Ah, yes, the mighty dragonborn, Alduin's bane, ender of the civil war, archmage of the College of Winterhold and master of all spells, defeated by a hangover," Chuckles said, "a single of your fireballs would have been enough to take them out. No one told you to go in there and show off your skills with the blade."
Theryl belched. "I can't go around letting fireballs fly everywhere in these ruins. The last time that happened I nearly burned down a mountain, remember? The jarls will have my balls in a vice if that happens again."
"Then may I suggest that you stop drinking?" Chuckles said.
"Stop drinking?" Theryl stared wide-eyed at the dremora, a line of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth. "How dare you! You know what your problem is, Chuckles? You don't know how to have fun. Stop drinking, ugh, why don't you tell just tell me to go kill myself?"
"At this point I doubt that anything can kill you, master," Chuckles said with a sigh. "Even yourself."
"Aw, Chuckles, you're making me blush."
Theryl stood up, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his archmage's robes. "My point still stands. You need to learn how to have fun. Like me."
"Fun," Chuckles said.
"Yeah, fun."
"Like you?"
"Yeah, like me."
"All you do is drink grain alcohol and kill people. I would hardly call that 'fun.'"
"Poor Chuckles," Theryl put a hand on the dremora's shoulder, his eyes wet with tears. "How dreadful an existence you must lead."
"I will kill you someday," Chuckles snarled.
"But not today! Now, come on, let's go. We have an entire cavern to explore. Maybe we got lucky and the vampires killed the draugr."