I watched from across the pool as his big lopsided smile reached his chocolate brown eyes, and his little dimple popped into it's cute little spot on his cheeks, and felt that fuzzy warmness inside me again. Everyday, for some strange, unknown reason, no matter what I tried to do, all I could do was think about Logan, or watch Logan, or think about watching Logan. Admiring him from afar, and studying his every move was more of an addiction, and thinking about him, a habit. Sometimes, when gazing at him, I see pain hidden in the depths of his dark eyes. Although I don't know the reason for the pain, I did know that it came up in his eyes every once in a while, crying for help, and it hurt him more than it hurt me seeing him with Camille.
From behind my Pop Tiger magazine I nonchalantly glanced up every so often, to see what Logan and Camille were up to, and when I pretended to read, I looked at a picture of him and me in our yellow hockey jerseys snug in between the page I was always pretending to be reading. We were beaming, standing shoulder to shoulder, arms crossed. It was one of the only pictures that I had of the both of us, us alone. The rest were bombed by Carlos, or whored by James. It's not like we minded though, we're all best friends.
James, Carlos and I were the three musketeers of the neighborhood until Logan moved to Minnesota in the third grade. My first impression was that he was a little weird, and a total nerd, but Carlos being so friendly and all, he eventually joined our group. We even made him do our homework, for a few months, and sometimes, he offered. Of course, by the next year, he grew on us, and I never admitted it to Carlos or James, but I trusted him the most.
It was always him who listened to my problems. Him who never rested until I was happy; when Jo left for New Zealand, he stayed up all night long, listening to me express my pain, and took my mind off things by singing our favorite blue songs with me, even though his eyes were bloodshot and begging for sleep. Our duets were perfect, us singing alone to the strumming of my guitar, our even without it. It always felt good, and peaceful, but these past few days, since he's gotten back with Camille, we haven't sung together as much. Not like I miss him. I thought, scoffing at myself.
"Kindall?" asked a cute Texan voice. I felt my heart do a backflip as I heard Logan say my name; especially because of the cute way he said it. Even after living in Minnesota for so long, and now coming to LA, he still had a cute accent. It was so adorable. Snapping back from my thoughts, I looked up to see him rather close to me, bending down to face me as I lay back down in the lounge chair.
"Y-yeah?" I asked, stuttering, feeling his minty breath dance towards me. From the corner of my eye, I see Camille standing behind Logan, waiting for him.
"Want to go to the movies tonight?" before I could say anything, Logan quickly added that Lucy was considering going, if I was coming. Lucy. Who was she, compared to Jo? But who was Jo compared to…Logan? Who was anyone compared to Logan? Your not supposed to think about Logan like that! I scolded myself.
"Alright." I said, hesitantly. As long as Logan was going to be there, it'd be worth it. We decided we'd watch Smooch and Promise, a spin-off of the terrible Kiss and Tell.
"Camille's choice?" I sneered, as Logan, and I headed down to the Lobby. Carlos and James both had their own dates, but they were going out for a formal dinner instead. Carlos and a Jennifer, and James and Rachel, but they were both kidding themselves, since they were so obviously in love with each other. Neither would admit it nor confess,
"You bet," Logan, said, snorting and smiling wide. "C'mon, we don't want to keep the girls waiting." Logan was wearing his favorite gray shirt and black shorts, and I couldn't help but stare at his physique in awe, his muscular arms and straight posture. He looked, like a demi-god, even wearing the simplest clothes. No Kendall! Stop! I reminded myself, blinking rapidly a couple of times, and entering the taxi Logan just halted. We were to meet the girls at the movie theater, and come home with them, after grabbing a bite from the little restaurant at the theater itself.
In the taxi, we started to joke around about Gustavo, and remembered some moments of our recent tour. Then, we went on to talking about Minnesota, and the recent hockey game. Things were casual, but if we were at home, in our room, talking for hours, we'd talk about how we feel, or sing. Share some thoughts, deep secrets, joke around more, wrestle, and not be so…formal. It felt strange; the conversation was a little stiff and awkward. I looked at Logan, as he looked outside the window, to see the approaching theater. We would be comfortable than, right? Right? I swallowed hard and got off from the taxi, muttering thanks to the driver.
After dividing the money, we entered and after a few moments of scanning the theater, we saw the girls with the tickets in their hands, looking around for us. Lucy wore black skinny jeans, and a black tank top, with her black hair mixed with red highlights neatly falling on her chest. She smiled at me, while biting her lip, as soon as we caught their attention, and gave her hand a little wave and then handed me my ticket as we reached them. Camille wore a light pink dress that reached her knees and gave Logan a light peck on the check as soon as he came. Right on the spot where she Logan's dimple comes up when he smiles. Shit. I thought as it finally hit me. The spin-off of last year's biggest make-out movie. That's why Lucy was decided to come, that's why she was biting her lip. To make out with me. In hopes of winning my heart. I wouldn't want to kiss her, not now, not ever. And then something even worse hit me: Camille would get to kiss Logan. She would get to entangle him in her kisses, and make him hungry for more, and get to love him, and get to touch her lips against the velvet ones, I so longed for. A pang of hurt and jealousy hit me in the heart, and the thought of the whole situation made me woozy, and I felt like throwing up just thinking about it.
" Kendall, are you okay?" Lucy asked, since apparently my sudden realization reflected onto my face. I nodded my head, and put on a small fake smile. While I was zoned out, it was decided that Logan and I would get the popcorn and drinks, while the girls would head on in. Quietly, I followed Logan to the popcorn stand, and retreated to my thoughts. No Kendall, you're not alright. You're not supposed to think of Logan like that. Stop it. You have the chance to date Lucy, or become her boyfriend, and she's not a bad girl. Man up Knight, you can do it.
"That's going to be two medium popcorns, and four cokes please." Logan politely said. He was so polite, to everyone. So respectful, and so kind. Ugh, stop it Kendall!
"Let's just get one popcorn, we're probably going to make-out most of the time anyways." I said, knowing that I wouldn't want to share one tub of popcorn with Lucy, in fear that she'd try to play with my hands, or hold my hand, in the tub.
"Sure," Logan, "Sorry, that'd be one large popcorn instead." He called out to the guy working, and looked at me with a small frown. "Dude, are you okay? You seem a little zoned out."
"Yeah, I'm fine! Don't worry about it. It's just that, it's my first real date after Jo, and I'm just kind of nervous, that's all. Hey, the popcorn's here." I said, scratching my head. Logan turned to the person working at the counter, gave him a ten-dollar bill, and carried the large tub of popcorn as I got the drinks. He shot me a look, but I smiled in return. "Come on, they're waiting."
We gave our tickets and entered the dark theater, and the usher motioned to the top, since we had gotten seats pretty close to the back. We sat in a row for six, near the wall, and there was already a couple occupying the two spots next to it. Camille sat next to the couple (who had their arms locked, and were whispering to one another) and Lucy sat two seats away. Logan took his place next to Camille after handing Lucy the popcorn, and I uneasily sat down in between Logan and her.
The commercials that always play before the movie were going on, and I could feel the awkward between Lucy and I. Camille and Logan were talking about the commercials, which were for other movies, pointing and expressing what they'd like to watch. I looked at Lucy. Hopefully, the movie wouldn't be all kissing, the whole time, and might give us a little break, or make sure the Camille didn't eat up Logan. The popcorn sat on Lucy's lap, and she grabbed it in to avoid the discomfort, and stuffed a little in her mouth. Her other hand sat on the armrest which was in between us, which annoyed me. I didn't want to hold her hand, I straight-out didn't want to. I was used to putting both of my arms on either of the armrest, but instead I only had my arm on the one Logan and I shared.
The movie began to play, and I tried my best to avoid everything around me, like the small moans of Logan and Camille as they kissed, or Lucy watching me and hoping for me to make-out with her, and just watch the movie. It was boring and made no sense at all, the two main characters were kissing at every chance they got, and I regretted everything. I sunk back into my seat, and angrily pushed Lucy's arm a little to the side and put my elbow on it, then supported my thrust my head in my palm. Ugh, I think, scowling into my hand.
Fuck the world, fuck it all. I don't like Lucy. I don't like her one bit. But why the hell does Camille get Logan? No one can live up to him, he's so beautiful. Why do I even care though? What difference does it make to me if he's with his girlfriend? Making out. Stupid, I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me? I scream in my head, feeling my heart ache. Knight, face it, you love Logan. No you don't love him. He's just your friend. You're not even gay. Two sides of my brain fought with one another, and my heart pounded against my chest. Yes you do, and you've loved him ever since you met. You just realized it now; you've been trying not to accept it. No. Yes. No. YES. Fine! I do love him, and that's that. That's it. I fucking love him to death.
Why was I telling myself that I wasn't in love him? Kendall Knight was in love with Logan Mitchell. He has been in love with him ever since he could remember. If there was once person Iloved, it was Logan Mitchell. My heart pound fast, and it felt, happy, and weightless all of a sudden; as if my heart was trying to tell me something, all these years, and I finally listened. It was trying to tell me that I was unconditionally in love with Logan. And it finally did.
But then something else hit me. I was in love with the same Logan Mitchell, who was making-out with Camille, an amazing, beautiful girl, and there I was feeling jealous. It's not like he'd ever love me anyways, as anything more than a friend, or maybe a brother. Why am I so sad, his happiness is my happiness. Tears sting my eyes, and trickle down, running along the edges of my nose. They were big and automatic; I didn't even need to force them to drop out of my eyes. Why was I crying? Out of happiness, sadness, or because this movie was just so terrible?
I realized that I wasn't hiding my face anymore, and anyone near me could see me crying. My arm still rested on both of the rests, but one of them was unoccupied. Lucy left, since I was an uncooperative jerk, who didn't even acknowledge her once. After taking some deep breaths, and brushing off the tears that wouldn't stop falling, I settled myself, and started to pretend to watch the bull-shit movie again. My face felt cool where the tears had just fell, and my body felt numb. My heart was still pounding.
Suddenly, I felt a warm hand, shakily settle itself in between my own, and grab it tight, but not too tight. It gave me a tight squeeze, and I looked at whose hand it was. It was Logan's. He was looking at me, for a while now it seemed, and his was face grave and meaningful. His dark eyes locked into mine, and they were unmoving. I looked back into them, and even though it was almost dark, I saw it. I saw the pain in his eyes.