Disclaimer - I own nothing boo hoo. If I did then Ianto would be nice and safe and in the bunker with Jack ;)
Sometimes
Sometimes it was soft and tender. Jack would lean forwards and brush his lips softly against Iantos for minutes at a time without actually kissing him. His fingers would play gently with the small strands of hair that lay at the back of Iantos neck even as his free arm wound its way around his waist and pulled him closer. Their breath moved easily between them and the love that Ianto felt for the strong yet vulnerable man in his arms was almost overwhelming.
Sometimes it was as though a tornado had taken hold of his life and his mind buffeting his senses in a never ending storm of emotions and feelings. Their joining was never more frenetic than at these times. Pushed roughly against walls or filing cabinets, lips and teeth clashing and grinding, hands and fingers ripping aside clothing and bruising the pale flesh beneath, skin moving hot and fast against skin and their voices raised with harsh shouts of ecstasy as they loved with a passion and an intensity that was wonderfully frightening.
Sometimes Ianto would watch Jack. He watched the way the Captain would move around the Hub, working, smiling or even just talking with the others and he would drink in every tiny detail that he could and file them away in his mind. He saved them. Stored away in his excellent memory was every little gesture or movement that Jack made, because he knew that some day he would need these memories. One day. One day… when Jack left him again.
Sometimes just the sight of Jack made Ianto want to scream in frustration. He wanted, in these times, to walk away. Just leave the Hub and keep going, keep walking until he could go no further. These were the times when he wanted to hate Jack Harkness more than he had ever hated anyone in his life. He wanted to yell and hit out and blame. He wanted to make Jack hurt just as much as he did. He wanted his beloved Captain to understand just how it made him feel when Jack brushed him thoughtlessly aside like no more than the 'part time shag' that he was. But most of all he wanted Jack to see just how helpless he had made Ianto. And helpless he was. Helpless in the face of the power and force that was Captain Jack Harkness. He was helpless to refuse the other man anything, including his body, wherever or whenever it was requested of him. But above all he was helpless in his love for Jack. Everything he now was revolved around Jack in one way or another and that angered Ianto beyond anything else. Jack had turned him into this poor, helpless thing and sometimes the urge to tear away from him and feel free again was so strong. But that's the thing about being helpless. How could he ever leave Jack when he knew that without him he would be… nothing.
Sometimes Ianto wants to stand in the middle of the Plass and scream out his love for Jack at the top of his voice. He would run from person to person, shake them and bellow "I love Jack Harkness, do you hear me? I love him more than life itself", at least that's what he wants to do, but he never would. He cant because that's not who he is, that's not who he could ever be and he realises with surprise one day that he is as unmovable and set in his ways as Jack is. But it doesn't change the fact that he longs to yell his feelings for Jack out loud so that everyone will know exactly what it is that the two men share.
He would grab Owen by the lapels of his leather jacket and shout, "Part time shag! Don't you see? Don't you even notice what's going on in front of your very eyes? Can you not see that I love him? Have you not realised that he loves me too?
He wants to laugh in Gwens face and tell her to, for Christ's sake, stop mooning over Jack and sending him longing glances over the boardroom table, to please pack it in batting her stupid puppy dog eyes at him every five minutes because surely she can see that it is Ianto that has beaten her in every way that's important. It's Ianto that Jack turns to for comfort and relief at the end of the hardest of days not her! It's Ianto that, more often than not, finds himself face down on Jacks desk or being dragged to the Captains bunker before the rest of them are even out of the main doors.
He wants Toshiko to hold him in her arms and let him cry and help him to understand why she of all of them cant see what's been going with him. How she who has been closer to him in the past year than anybody else could not see how he had been suffering. But of course he wont, because he is Ianto Jones.
Sometimes he wants to grab Jack in front of everyone and kiss him senseless. He would take him right there and then and claim him as his own, his property, in front of their very eyes so that no one could ever again argue or dispute the fact that they belonged together. But Jack is nobody's property. He is free and untamed and quite simply he is… Jack.
Sometimes Ianto feels so… strong. Not physically. Emotionally. He is amazed that at certain times he can feel so powerful, as though nothing could ever hurt him again and he knows, deep in his very being, that it is Jack who has changed him so completely. Jack's trust, his love and passion have, in a strange way, regenerated him. He is a different person now than he was just a few short years ago. He is someone who can cope with the weird twisting, turning life that they all have because of Torchwood. Ianto is capable of so much more now, he is clever and able and this is all because of Jack. His Jack. His saviour.
Sometimes Ianto waits. He just waits. And in the days leading up to that night he watches for Jack's little telltale signs and giveaways. Jack gets restless and twitchy and Ianto knows exactly what is going to happen and exactly how much it is going to hurt. And Jack never notices that Ianto is aware. On nights like this Jack doesn't even notice that Ianto is there with him. Because Jack is getting ready to go hunting. Not for aliens, this is no weevil hunt. This pursuit is for people, or at least one or two certain people.
Jack needs way more attention than the average human male and he, with his very presence, demands without uttering a single word that everyone lavishes that attention on him.
Ianto watches from the shadows as Jack leaves the Hub late at night in search of a new piece of action and a new piece of ass. Occasionally at these times Ianto will head quietly down to Jack's quarters and slip between the covers of the tiny bed, there he will curl up in the blankets and surround himself with the smell of Jack. He will cry silently into the darkness and try not to think about how Jack's latest conquest will look. Whether or not he or she will reach up to stroke their fingers over Jack's handsome face the way Ianto did whenever they made love. Will Jack kiss them the way he kissed Ianto? Would he murmur the same gentle words of love and longing into their ear as he did with him?
And still Ianto waits. Lies there and waits, counting the minutes until Jack returns to him. He will come home, he always does and when he returns he will stand by the bed for a moment before shedding his clothing and curling up behind the younger man. Jacks right arm will curl protectively over Iantos hip and Jack will lean forward to whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry".
But Ianto knows that this will happen again and again and that Jack's mumbled apologies would mean nothing in the cold, hard light of the next day, because as Jack is lost in the obscurity of whichever club he has wandered into looking for his latest fuck he is so blissfully unaware of just how much he is breaking Iantos heart.
It's not intentional, Ianto knows that, Jack could never and will never be tied to just one person, he simply doesn't function that way, but knowing that doesn't stop it from shattering Ianto into a million pieces every time that it happens.
With his very actions, the one night stands and midnight lays, he has broken Ianto so very badly that all he can do is lie in the darkness and wait. Wait for his turn. Wait for a time when Jack Harkness will love only him. In essence Ianto waits for a time that will never come.
Sometimes Jack surprises Ianto completely. "I came back for you". And oh how his heart had skipped a beat then. Jack had come back, for him… just for him. He should have moved then, he should have crossed the floor and kissed him right there before Jack could say anything else, because what he said next had almost reduced Ianto to tears. Jack had looked around at his team and added quickly, "All of you", and Ianto had wanted to cry out, "No… For me… You came back for me!. But of course he didn't.
Sometimes Ianto doesn't want to leave the warm, comforting safety of Jack's embrace. When he wakes early in the morning wrapped in Jack's arms he longs only to bury his face in Jack's strong chest and stay like this for eternity. As his lover sleeps contentedly next to him Ianto can fool himself, if only for a little while, that this is how it will always be. They were here, they were together and this is how things will stay. Ianto closes his eyes and smiles, yes, this is how things will always be and Jack will never leave him again.
Sometimes Ianto will think about Lisa. The guilt will bubble to the surface and he will feel sick and dizzy, he will have to close his eyes against the onslaught of tears that threaten to fall because he knows in his heart that the guilt he is feeling is the wrong kind of guilt. He should be blaming himself for not keeping her safe just like he promised. 'And don't you always keep your promises? he will hold onto the nearest solid object for support and try to remember how to breathe because the weight of the guilt is crushing his chest. He should be feeling so bad because he betrayed her and that betrayal cost her everything. But he doesn't.
Oh no, the guilt that is slowly killing him comes with the realisation that he loves Jack far more than he ever loved her.
He knows that's its wrong even to think like this, he should say to himself that its different, that he loves Jack in another kind of way than Lisa but he doesn't; its more than just love with Jack, its passion and fire and intensity and he never felt with Lisa the way he does with Jack. And this knowledge alone makes Ianto hate himself.
Sometimes Ianto will tell himself that he has had enough, that the last time with Jack will just have to be the last. He is firm with himself and will say in his mind, or out loud if he is alone, "Enough" and for a while he is able to convince himself that it wont happen again. This weakness. "No more". But all it takes is just one smile from Jack and he is lost again. Well… maybe just once more, he thinks.
Sometimes Jack will talk to him. Holding him close as they lay together in bed or sitting together during a rare break from their work at Torchwood, it doesn't matter which. The topic of conversation is just as irrelevant because no matter what Jack says to him Ianto just loves to listen. He will, on occasion, close his eyes and concentrate on Jack's voice, its undulating richness thrills him. The accent highlights and accentuates certain words and sounds and it makes Iantos breath hitch in his chest and causes his heart to speed up just a little bit. Who knew that just listening to someone speak could have this effect on a person? Jacks voice rolls over him making him feel warm and tingly all over, as if he had been suddenly submerged in a bath of hot water. And it feels wonderful.
Sometimes it can be ever so slightly embarrassing. The times when their passion is at its height and it proves almost impossible for them to stay away from each other is the worst because it does tend to block all of his senses to the point where all he can see, hear, feel and taste is Jack.
He should have heard the Hub entry alarms go off. He should have seen her shadow pass by the large glass windows of the hothouse. He really should have been aware that the door had opened. But he didn't. He didn't because he was too wrapped up in the man in his arms to notice anything else around him.
The first he noticed of Gwen that night was a kind of strangled cry of "OH GOD" and as he pulled his mouth from Jacks he turned to see her in the doorway, her left hand holding the door open and her mouth hanging open as she slowly turned redder and redder.
'Yup', he thinks to himself as Gwen stutters an apology and then bolts from the room stifling her giggles with a raised hand, 'sometimes it can be really quite embarrassing'. Jack, still holding tightly onto him, just laughs.
Sometimes he wants to drug their coffee. Does that make him a bad person? Not to do them permanent harm of course but to get them out of the way for a little while. In the days that they have worked around the clock, several times, he kind of just wants them to go away. Maybe he could make them sleep for a few hours (or days) and he could spend the time with Jack. They could go out somewhere, maybe on a date, or even grab some lunch together on the Bay side. That would be nice. They could go for a walk or disappear for a few hours without raising any eyebrows. Like a real couple he thinks to himself. But he suspects that drugging your co-workers coffee in order to spend more time with your boyfriend is maybe a bit too maniacal, even for him.
'Sometimes' Ianto Jones thinks to himself as he takes sip of his morning coffee and watches as Jack yawns, stretches and leans in to give him a good morning kiss, 'Just sometimes, I really do think too bloody much'
THE END