I decided to write this as I sat on my window sill at midnight watching the snow fall tbh it's not that relevant to the story but it's nice to just sit here and watch it. I know I have two other stories to update and I vowed to put off any other ideas till I'd finished them but I couldn't resist.

This is linked to Tapping Noise of Temptation, this is what happened to Elsie, the timing might be a little messed up, its December but it's her recounting what's been happening over the last few weeks. Includes a tiny bit of Bates/Anna.

Hope it's not too sad.

I'm not angry at you, I never could be, as much as I want to - I can't. I guess that's what love does. I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt, I'd be lying, it's the most painful thing I've experienced, like someone's reached into my chest ripped out my heart, it's a cliché I know but it's the truth, I'm now living with a broken heart. I can't tell what hurts most; I guess it would have to be not knowing why you've done this, I clearly meant nothing to you as you didn't even give me a reason as to why we can't be together - that's what hurts most, you don't even have a reason. We were such close friends, working side by side for 20 years and apparently in that time you couldn't create any sort of courtesy towards me? I must say I'm highly disappointed, I'm not so weak that I can't handle a bit of criticism, lord knows I get it from others often enough, but I'm disappointed that you who were supposed to be my equal and friend could bring yourself to tell me the truth. I thought I meant more to but clearly I was imagining things, imagining that you might return my feelings,

Clearly you don't.

It took me years to not only realise my feelings but also to accept them, it didn't exactly make working with you any easier, we'd be discussing accounts but all I'd want to would be to lean over and kiss you; 15 years I've had to keep my mouth shut, knowing if you didn't feel the same it would make this awkward but now we're past awkward, you won't even speak to me, you act like I'm not there and if I'm honest I wish I wasn't. To have to see your face every day, a face that used to smile at me, a face that would show compassion to me when others didn't, that same face now kills me to look at. I feel humiliated beyond belief, that you let me show you how I felt and then told me you didn't want it, my worst fear, it took me 15 years to tell you and it took you 15 seconds to destroy everything and throw my feelings back in my face. Yet I'm still not angry, not at you at least, but I'm angry at myself; not only for falling for you so much that it hurts now but for admitting how I felt. I don't regret much in my life but that is something I do, I cannot believe how stupid I was to do it, in the way I did too, it was not only unorthodox but plain silly. I come down on maids that behave in this manner and yet I'm no better.

You came into my sitting room, I had no intention of telling you, we were discussing her lady ship and Miss Swire, how things would change again. I joked at how you'd thought we were getting back to normal and you smiled but commented that you were beginning to get stressed, (I can't imagine that I helped.) We were quiet for a moment before I moved closer to you, noticing the contrast in height between us, feeling very small and timid compared to you. I finally spoke, softly, unsure what on earth I was doing; I asked if I could try and help with your stress, using your first name hoping you might see through the mask I wore. Then it happened. I stood on my tiptoes, placed my hand on your shoulder and kissed you, you were surprised but didn't pull away, you put your hands on my waist to hold me still but the feeling of your fingers made me even more determined for you to know. I put my other hand on your neck and deepened the kiss; years of longing clearly took over because I couldn't bare it when we broke apart. You looked directly into my eyes, I don't know how I could look back at you - it was so inappropriate but yet you allowed me. But it's what you did next that still confuses me now, you pushed me back onto the sofa and kissed me, me bring naive I just allowed you to deepen it, allowed you to run your hands through my hair knocking curls loose, I allowed you run your hand up my thigh to lay on my hip, I allowed you to undo you waistcoat buttons and I whispered it; I whispered I love you, you didn't reply, simply kissed me again -and I let you, thinking you returned how I felt. Now, I'm glad the bell rang, I'm glad it stopped us from going further, as much as I wanted to at the time, knowing now I meant nothing to you, I'm glad we stopped. We didn't speak, simply hurried to become presentable again; I was first and hurried out, informing Jane to go up. I turned to go back and talk to you, but you'd already gone back to your pantry.

I spoke to you later though; again you came to my sitting room. We were silent for a while, you looked at the floor and I tried to think of how to start, I was nervous, excited though for thinking you might tell me those 3 magic words I longed to hear, but instead you said;

"This isn't right"

I felt sick; you were going to throw me over, just like that. All you said was, it wasn't right for you to do what you did, that we couldn't be together. Then you left. That was it, the last thing you've said to me, its weeks later and still nothing. I sat frozen for a minute before I cried, I don't cry normally but I couldn't help it, you caught my heart in that kiss then took it away when you spoke to me. I looked around for you but the servant's hall was empty, as was I, empty and alone.

I went to my room, wanting to curl up into a ball and stay there forever but I was met on the way by Lady Sybil, I couldn't hide my tears from her and she made me tell her what was wrong. I was tired of having feelings with no one to tell them to so I told her; she was comforting but could see it wasn't making a difference. She sent me to bed saying if I needed she could tell people I was ill and let me be by myself the next day. Normally I would be completely against the idea but it felt so appealing, not having to face anyone. That night I'd so wanted to be alone but instead I couldn't sleep and found myself just sitting there looking out at the stars, I heard someone outside the room so I went to investigate, what I find doesn't matter, it's in the past, but the last thing I needed was to have to see another person's heartbreak.

Since that day I have seen 5 more hearts break, all in the space of a week. I must stay strong for Anna; I suppose its worse for her, her husband's been taken away from her, someone who returns her feelings, but at least she's not alone. So I must wear this mask now, my usual one of being a no nonsense housekeeper but now my other of a comforting yet strong woman, a mother to my staff, keeping Anna happy primarily, knowing what it's like to feel like you have no one that cares about you - I don't want her to ever feel like that.

I don't know where we'll go from here. Weeks and you still haven't spoke to me, how many more weeks, how long before things go wrong, this house needs us to be at least on speaking terms to run properly, so how long before it begins to crumble? Maybe it'd be easier if I left. You wouldn't have to face me anymore, wouldn't have to ... well I would say guilty but you don't seem to anyway. I don't know what I'll do, after the war I guess none of us know what'll ever happen in the future.'

But what I do know is, I still love you, despite what you did, I still think we could have made it work between us, you obviously felt otherwise and that's how it'll always be - you'll always feel differently.

Apologies for any mistakes (written on my iPod) I hope you kinda liked it, please review. I might write something from Charles's POV.

And to all those that have it, enjoy the snow ;)