Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just observe and conjecture
A/N: So this is a fluffy oneshot of Spock's thoughts during McCoy's little attack in Requiem for Methuselah. This whole scene is so romantic I could explode. I always thought Spock's face after the Doctor's first line said "ppft you don't know what you're talking about". Also does anyone else think that maybe McCoy was onto them and just used this as a way to manipulate Spock into helping the captain forget? Why attack Spock personally if that wasn't your endgame Bones? Anyway read it, hope you enjoy it, and I know that Spock is probably too emotional even in his own thoughts.
"I feel sorrier for you than I do for him, because you'll never know the things that love can drive a man to…"
The words stung. Even the raised eyebrow and the turn of the head could not convey how those words affected Spock. He carefully and diligently identified the emotion those words elicited- anger, shame, grief- acknowledged them and tried to let peace flow back into his mind, and to Spock's discomfort his heart. Anger: at the Doctor for being blind and for his intentionally wounding words. Shame: for his feelings of friendship. Grief: that the one who drove him to those things, things no logical Vulcan should consider, would never know.
"…the ecstasies, the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures, the glorious victories…"
Now Spock knew it was not true. He knew the Doctor was blind. He knew every single one of those experiences. In the last three years he remembered moments of satisfaction and of disappointment and pain. He remembered disobeying Starfleet a number of times. He remembered missions with low probabilities of success allowed to proceed because that person was in danger. He remembered being unable to help as he watched the one he cared for most being injured or battle personal demons, and he recalled rescuing that person time and time again from danger and from himself…
"…all that you'll never know because the word 'love' isn't in your book…"
The word was indeed in Spock's book. The Terran word love had variable definitions. It could convey a fondness for or to take pleasure in something. It was friendship and loyalty and moreover it was something one did. It was everything that Spock did for Jim, without request, without thought, and without regret. The Doctor was wrong, Spock did know it, but he did not contradict him, what the Doctor could not see was his own loss.
"…I do wish he could forget"
At times Spock had wished the same. If he could he would not need to struggle with his controls daily, or deal with the unwanted shame at these failing controls, prompted by his Vulcan upbringing. He would also not know what friendship or acceptance was.
Spock gazed at his captain. Jim slept deeply, a sleep born of exhaustion. Spock debated with himself for a few moments longer, but he realized that it was never truly a debate. Spock would always help his captain, his friend. Slowly he approached and placed a hand on the meld points of Jim's face. Emotions flooded him, unguarded as they were in sleep. He felt Jim's pain and Jim's loss and he took it upon himself.
"Forget," he asked Jim. Forget and let Spock take the pain and the loss so Spock would not have to watch Jim suffer. This was how Spock showed his loyalty to his captain, his friendship for Jim, and love for his unknowing T'hy'la.