Summary: "Cadet, you somehow managed to increase your charm, therefore changing the conditions of my feelings for you." "Then come back to my room." "I'm sorry, I do not hook up." Parody of movie scene
Rated: T for stuff
Disclaimer: Inspired by "I Do Not Hook Up! [Kirk/Spock]" video by xxLornyTunesxx on youtube, watch it!
"This session calls James T. Kirk. Cadet Kirk, please step forward."
Jim looked to Bones for guidance but the older man just arched his eyebrows and nudged his young friend forward.
"Cadet Kirk, evidence has been submitted to this court that you violated the ethical code of conduct. What do you have to say for yourself?" Kirk leaned against the podium for support and tried to speak without slurring his words. In the true spirit of James Tiberius Kirk, he'd thought it was a brilliant idea to sooth a hangover with more alcohol.
"I believe I have a-" Hiccup. "-a right to face my accuser directly." The funny-looking man nodded off to the side and a tall, lean figure appeared at the podium next to his. He gave Jim a demoralizing look before facing forward.
"This is Commander Spock, he is one of our most sexy cadets. He designed the Kobayashi Maru Dating Simulation for the past four years. Commander?"
"Cadet Kirk, you somehow managed to increase your charm, therefore changing the conditions of my feelings for you."
Gasping was heard all around the giant room. And, though he was much too wasted to confirm, Jim swore he heard Bones muttering to himself, "Good God, man."
"T-then come back to my room." He gave the pointy-eared bastard his best, most charming smile, hiding the grimace that begged to show itself when he threw up slightly in his mouth. The Vulcan's eyes barely changed, but Jim could see the small amount of pity in them.
"I'm sorry, Cadet, but I do not hook up."
A man ran out to the council members for a second to deliver a message. The man in charge barely looked at it before saying "We've received a distressed call from Vulcan. With our primary fleet engaged in the Lorentzian slave trade, I hereby order all cadets to report to Hanger 1 for briefing. Dismissed!"
Kirk watched Spock walk away with lightning speed. As he was about to exit the room, he turned and gave Kirk a small smile, then left with the group.
"Who was that pointy-eared bastard?" Bones asked, helping Kirk walk as he stumbled out of the room.
"I don't know," Kirk giggled and burped loudly. "But I like his ass. Buns of steel, that one."
"Oh, Jim."
Oh, Merlin, I had way too much fun writing that! And since it's so short I'll probably make a sequel where Kirk gets his shit together and chases after Spock. Let me know if you want that! Thanks for reading! P.S. I know not all the words are the same as the movie; I was too lazy to go look them up so I just did it from memory.