Broken
It starts out slowly.
Charles does not recognize it at first, way too occupied with the agony he is already feeling.
There is too much pain in his life already, and trying not to let anyone see it takes so much strength, so much more than he has.
And it still hurts-
He wishes that at least he could (would not have to) not read their minds, could not read anyone's mind.
It makes it so much harder to get through the day, hearing their worry and sadness and goddamn pity all the fucking time.
He does not even know what hurts the most. (Yes, he does, actually.)
That Erik has left? That Raven is gone? That he is paralyzed? That it is Erik's fault that he will never walk again?
All this breaks his heart time and again, ripping the shreds into even smaller pieces until, someday, nothing will be left-
(He does know what pains him the most, yes. That Erik left without turning back. That he did not stay with Charles, like he promised. That he is gone and has left a huge hole in Charles' mind, heart and life.)
The telepath likes to think that he used to be a strong person.
Someone who could take whatever life threw at him gracefully and then would stand up again, stronger.
However, standing up again is no longer an option.
And no matter how often the others tell him that it will get better, that he will get over it, that time heals all wounds – he doubts that.
He has done his fair share of flirting, has had his fair share of (good) sex and attempts at relationships, yes, but this-
This is different.
No one ever made him feel like Erik does.
There was not one single person with whom he shared that kind of unconditional love he sh- … used to share with Erik-
(Because, obviously, there is no sharing any longer. Erik has left, after all, without looking back.)
Charles wishes he could forget him.
When Charles really begins to forget, though, he panics.
He wakes up one morning, as usual – first, he goes crazy with fear, because- where are his legs?
And then he remembers, and despairs for a moment, before reminding himself that there are people out there who need him, mutants who are lost without that leader figure showing them that they are not alone. He reminds himself that he is strong enough to live even with his legs being useless appendages. That, with Erik, he can take anything.
That thought makes him smile and then he opens his eyes expecting to see Erik lying next to him, already awake and watching him with that soft expression until-
His bed is empty, every time, and he has to fight back the tears that threaten to spill, every time. Sometimes he wins and sometimes he loses, and he can always hear him, that teasing, affectionate voice:
"Since when are you that prone to tears, Charles?"
Hearing his voice like that usually makes it worse, but it is nothing compared to what he feels that one morning he awakes and the sentence is whispered into his ear once again, but not quite right – like a meaningless set phrase, missing the exact pitch and cadence and emotion-
Said by a meaningless voice his mind has come up with.
Not Erik's voice.
Charles frantically searches his memories, desperate to recall that voice that has been bringing him so much pain, but not hearing it is even more painful, and-
The memories of how Erik's mind felt against his, how it felt around his, are also dissolving, a feeling he used to know so well, and Charles feels himself going into a full-blown panic when he fails to remember the exact shade of those beautiful eyes, to recall how the older one's hand felt holding his.
He has trouble breathing and his body is shaking with sobs but he does not realize that as he sends out his mind, farther and farther, farther than he ever went without Cerebro, and how is he supposed to find Erik's mind among all those others?, he does not even know where to look, but he keeps trying, because he has to and-
Of course he does not find him.
He probably is wearing that stupid helmet, after all.
It is Hank who stumbles in on him, in a nearly comatose state. He stares at the man convulsing and coughing and sobbing for a few shocked moments before injecting him an anaesthetic he is using in his research and the desperate movements stop, the cramped body slowly slackening until Charles is asleep again, blissful in sleep's ignorance for a few more hours.
Charles goes to use the Cerebro when he has woken up again, ignoring Hank's pleads to stay in bed, and maybe let a doctor see him.
He needs to freshen up his memory, and he needs to do it now-
As he makes for the machine he tries to decide who to concentrate on.
Emma is not an option, she might feel his presence, and he has promised Raven never to invade her mind without her asking him to. Azazel? No, he might be jumping around too much, not be near Erik, which will not help if Charles wants to catch glimpses at the other one (which, really, is the only reason he is doing this).
Riptide it is then, or Angel – whoever he finds first, whoever is closer.
Hank watches him with wide, worried eyes, Alex and Sean standing behind him; but Charles cannot care about that now-
He needs to find Erik.
It takes him more than ten minutes before he finally manages to lock onto Riptide, and what the hell are they doing in Japan?
That certainly explains why he did not stumble across them when he was so frantically trying to locate Erik's mind a few hours ago, and it will make it hard as hell to mentally stay with them after he has disengaged from Cerebro. Holding on will certainly take everything he has and maybe more, but prioritizing is rarely that easy.
Riptide's mind opens up to him like a door waiting to be unlocked when he delves into it, his power fuelled by his desperate need and Cerebro.
The first thing he sees is a room full of people. It seems the Brotherhood has grown quite a bit since the moment it had formed at that beach. Looking around frantically he realizes that Erik must be elsewhere, not in that room, but he needs to see him right now, so he tears through Riptide's memories quite ruthlessly, desperately looking for a perfect memory and-
There it is.
It must have been a few hours ago, Erik's eyes shining with anger, his voice rather on the impatient side as he growls that he just had a cough attack, but is fine now, thank you very much, they better leave him alone now-
Charles' relief is endless as his mind retracts, clinging to the image and the voice and everything as he shuts Cerebro down and returns to his room, basically ignoring the three boys wandering after him with concern in their eyes.
He is being strong for them every day.
He needs to allow himself a few moments of weakness.
He crawls into bed again, then, hoping that it will ease the boys' worries (and knowing that he will not be able to concentrate on anything else anyway) and lets the emotions that run through his veins as he replays the short scene again and again and again drown the pain of still not being able to remember how Erik's mind felt against his.
At least two hours must have passed when he finally lets go, feeling himself get rather sleepy, but there is still one thing he has to do:
Forcefully he stretches his consciousness across the pacific, pressing it farther even when he has reached his limits, when he thinks his head will burst with the pain, until he finds Riptide. A short glance into his mind – he does not have the strength to do more, and even if he had it, Erik is not around anyway – and then he leaves the other mutant's head to himself, closing his eyes and letting the darkness which has been lapping against his consciousness due to the exhaustion take him.
The next time Charles works himself into a state that makes Hank want to call an ambulance is also the first time he witnesses it.
(Or the second time, really. He did with Shaw, after all.)
He has been following Erik's missions by coming along in Riptide's, Angel's or Mocca's (one of the new ones who has come up surprisingly high in the hierarchy) mind.
He has watched Magneto do what he thought necessary to guarantee the safety of his people and species; and he cried many tears for those who died for it, humans and mutants alike-
Never once has he interfered – until that one day, when Erik comes up against another mutant who has set out a trap for him, one he cannot possibly defeat on his own. He has been lured into the setup and run into it head first, thinking that this may give him the opportunity to win a powerful new ally. He has been requested to meet with Irmo Grey alone, despite Emma's and Mystique's and even Riptide's heavy protests.
Charles knows that he cannot stop him, so he follows his path to the hideout using the minds of various people he passes along the way to keep track of him, finally ending up in Irmo Grey's mind. However, they are at the south-western end of Australia, this means stretching his gift halfway across the world without Cerebro because there is no time, and his power seems to have been growing weaker over the past few weeks, so when he realizes that Erik is running into a trap it is much too late to warn him, and he is not strong enough to take out Grey and the five mutants who are surrounding them, his reach too weak already.
Worse, though, Grey is telekinetic.
After the first three minutes of the fight Charles knows that, whatever Erik tries, there is no way he can win against this man alone, let alone take out the five others while Grey is attacking him-
So he does the only thing he can think of, knowing that losing Erik completely is simply not an option – he clings to Grey's mind, clawing his way into his consciousness just when the telekinetic moves to drop a huge piece of concrete (that contains not one piece of metal) onto Magneto's head-
Irmo Grey freezes and, clearly, Erik does not understand what this means but grabs the opportunity to quickly have iron bars strangle the five others while his enemy is taken out, before (much like with the coin, and Shaw) chasing a jagged piece of metal into Grey's brain-
He never hears the agonized scream that is torn from Charles' lips as he holds on to the tormented mind until black is dancing at the edge of his consciousness as well as at Grey's, only letting go when he knows the man is dead and-
Erik never hears that tortured scream, that brings tears to the eyes of Hank, Alex and Sean; nor does he see the way Charles' body convulses, his uncontrollable legs jerking when his nerves burn with over-activity as his brain goes into overdrive, and his heart breaks once again.
All Erik knows is that he is having trouble breathing once he has gotten rid of Grey with the help of what must have been incredible luck, and that that lasting burn in his chest has just gotten worse, along with a terrible headache.
The searing pain trying to split his head Charles wakes up to after having been unconscious for a little more than 24 hours, as Hank tells him (eyes bright with worry), is gone after a week.
The low burn in his chest is not.
He distinctly remembers having had another cough attack, sending his body into even more spasms, and being unable to breathe. He had thought he was going to die, too, along with Grey (he had stayed so much longer than with Shaw all those weekjs ago, and had been so much weaker – but at the same time he had felt it, dying, all the more closely, having bored his mind so far into Grey's) and he would have been okay with that.
He would have died saving Erik, after all, and in that case his life was a price he was easily willing to pay-
Actually he is rather surprised when he wakes up again, and that to even more pain than usual.
But he can take it, he keeps telling himself, for Erik.
Erik's life is worth the headache and the way it hurts when he breathes in too deeply, or coughs-
He never tells the boys about that.
Or about the tremors.
They are far and in between, but whenever he pours too much of his strength into mentally following Erik around the world he sees (not feels, never feels) his feet shake with what is likely neural damage, from connecting himself so directly to a dying brain.
No, the boys do not need to worry about that.
It is enough that Hank's eyes light up in alarm whenever Charles flinches, or to brush against the mind of Sean when he is staring out of a window, desperate that he cannot help the man he has come to see as a father.
They have enough on their minds already.
Charles thinks that he should not do it again, should not interfere with Erik's battles, but of course he does, and of course he stays far too long the next time, and the next, and the next-
But Erik lives, and that is what counts.
After some time Charles cannot deny it anymore.
As slow as it started, as fast is it growing worse now.
In the beginning he thought it was just side effects of connecting too deeply with Erik's opponents, holding them back so that Erik could kill them instead of the other way round, and then dying with them.
However, after some time he realizes that, while the seizures that come with his near-death experiences certainly do make it worse, whatever it is is spreading fast enough on its own.
The low burn in his chest has evolved to what can only be described as agony when he breathes, his lungs feeling like they are on fire.
He has grown weaker too, being confined to the bed now most days. He spends them looking after Erik, so worried that the other man seems to be sick as well that he forgets to keep the children from having doctors swarm the place.
Reluctantly he lets them prod at him (because he sees the way Alex smiles less these days, and brushes against the desperation of Hank when he cries some nights); however, they can identify the symptoms but not the reason-
Never the reason.
When they ask him what he wants, what he craves, because the body often knows what it needs, Charles contemplates telling them that what he needs is Erik-
But that is ridiculous.
Sometimes he has bad days ending in violent cough attacks that take him out for hours; but there are also times when he feels almost fine and is suddenly pulled into terribly painful attacks tearing at his lungs, this incredible urge to check on Erik only held in check by the fact that he cannot move, cannot breathe-
He is almost glad when Erik stops venturing outside to fight his battles, knowing that he is growing too weak to protect the other when it is necessary.
He is sleeping longer every day, the pain growing worse, and he is not sure that he will be able to stand this much longer. (He is not even sure he wants to, not when waking up every time means realizing once again that Erik is gone and never will return.)
He used to think that they could take on the world, him and Erik, that they could make it through anything-
But he is alone, and he begins to believe that they were never meant to do great things, not together and certainly not apart. Maybe Erik was, but never him. He will be fading into nothingness, leaving the mutants to fight for themselves, and that is what they will remember him for.
Well.
There is nothing he can do against that, now is there?
His only regret is that the children suffer so much, watching as he is going down. He wishes he could send them away, spare them this, but this is their home and anyway, he is too tired to fight-
…
Raven actually answers the telephone she has obviously kept despite of everything when Hank calls her, sounding tired.
"Yes?"
"Raven? This is Hank?"
"What do you want from me, Hank?" She sounds annoyed, now, too. "I thought we-"
"I'm calling because I need to tell you something," he interrupts her. "I… it's Charles."
"It's… what's Charles?" Nervousness has crept into her voice.
"He… he's… he's sick. He's really, terribly sick, Raven, and we don't… we don't know… He might not make it. He's so weak, and the doctors have no idea what… and… I thought you might want to see him." He gulps, fighting back the tears.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she screeches, panicky, and from the background noise he guesses that she is already packing what she will need to come here.
"He asked us not to. He didn't want to… bother you, didn't want to bother either of us, but when he kept having seizures-"
"Okay, I'm coming over right now!" she interrupts and he can vaguely hear her call Azazel's name before the line goes dead.
Mere minutes later she turns up next to him and stares at him, eyes wide with fear.
"Where is he?"
Hank does not hesitate to lead her to Charles' room, although the professor has asked him to keep everyone away-
She is his sister, after all.
Bursting into the professor's bedroom she stops dead when she sees him, all pale and gaunt, before rushing to his side, taking his hand.
"Tell me," she then begs. "Tell me everything. What is it? Do you think it has to do with the mutation? After all, if the doctors don't know… what did they say, anyway? Tell me, please!"
And he spills, because he thinks that if there is one person who deserves to know it is her.
She goes still halfway through him listing the symptoms, and her eyes grow unfocused when he describes the cough attacks, and how they sometimes happen when he seems to be feeling well. That the last one has ended about three hours ago-
"Three hours?" she interrupts him, sounding desperately hopeful. "That was just when Erik-"
Interrupting herself, now, she eyes him warily for a few moments, before continuing:
"Erik's sick, too. Not half as bad as Charles – yet – but he's on his best way there. He… his symptoms are the same, and… he also had a cough attack three hours ago. What if- … what if this really is due to the mutation?" Her voice is almost excited now. "I… found something out, when we were all staying here, before Cuba… Charles and Erik… they were together. Like, together together." Hank's eyes widen at that. He never thought that… but it makes sense, actually. "They were not planning on telling anyone, I only found out because I asked Erik to- … ah, never mind. Anyway, from the way my brother looked at Erik… I don't want to even imagine what it must have meant for him that Erik left him, at the beach. Erik, on the other hand… he's been moody ever since, sad even, although he tried not to let anyone see. What if… they need each other?"
"You mean, like, they are bound to each other?"
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," Sean says from where he is standing in the doorway, his eyes shining with unexpected hope. "We just need to get Erik over here, and see what happens."
"But how do we get him to cooperate?" Alex asks, frowning.
Raven gives them a dangerous smile. "We don't."
With that she reaches for her phone, calling Azazel and asking to be picked up and returning a few minutes later, a groggy but struggling Erik's arm in her grasp.
"He was asleep," she explains helpfully as she pulls the man over to the bed, which only works because the other is still half asleep-
Then his gaze falls upon Charles, and he freezes.
Raven's grin is certainly a little mean when she explains:
"You two are having the same symptoms, and we came to think that, maybe, you need each other."
Erik darts her a dark look and opens his mouth to protest when she looks at him with watery, yellow eyes. "He's suffering, Erik. And so are you. If you can help him, can help both of you, please… And if you can't… look at him. You must at least have loved him at some point. He… He'll not be holding on for much longer. You can't want him to go down like this, alone… and you can't want for him to die without having said goodbye."
With that she leaves the room, motioning for the other two to come along; closing the door on her way out-
There is no need for Erik to see her break down crying.
Waking up is a little less cruel than usually, which is a surprise, really.
In the last few days it has only been going downwards, but he has been too tired, too exhausted, to keep fighting.
He has gotten used to breathing through fire and agony; and to being too weak to move.
Now breathing hurts, but is no longer ripping him apart, and after a few minutes of simply enjoying that little reprieve he forces himself to open his eyes, to wake up. He will spend this day with the boys, giving them smiles to remember him by.
He is no longer panicking because he cannot feel his legs when he wakes up, nor is he looking for Erik.
Those pains have been replaced by more crippling ones; and anything that may have resembled everyday life is long gone, anyway.
This is probably why he almost screams when he turns his head as he attempts to sit up and sees Erik sitting next to his bed, staring at him-
Erik.
"You probably shouldn't do that," the older one says, nodding towards where Charles' muscles are trembling with the strain of trying to sit.
"What are you doing here?" The telepath keeps trying as he looks around wildly, prepared to call for Hank, when he sees it.
There is no helmet on Erik's head.
The surprise is strong enough to make him let go, sink back and save up his strength.
Only now does he notice that presence lapping against his mind, and as he makes new memories of how Erik's thoughts feel against his own he cannot supress the single tear running down his cheek-
"What are you doing here?" he repeats, quietly, although he is not sure he wants to know.
"Raven made me come." Erik gives him a dry smile and some more of those shards of Charles' heart are crushed. "She basically dragged me here, actually. I wasn't planning on staying here any longer than I had to until…" He averts his gaze. "It's quite obvious that you're sick, Charles, but… so am I. And we share the symptoms. The kids… they think that this is due to our mutations, that we have… developed…"
… some kind of bond.
Charles thinks his brain might be frozen, because thinking is really hard at the moments, and, soul-bonds, seriously? This is ridiculous. And anyway, Erik would never believe in it-
"They think that we need each other. I… actually, they may be right… I'm feeling better already. My lungs are hurting less and I've had no coughing fit since I came here, although it's been more than 24 hours." He gives Charles another smile, a crooked one this time, really crooked, it is not even a smile, really, more the attempt of one-
"I was beginning to think you wouldn't wake up again," Erik whispers, looking away once more. "I thought I'd come too late… because, Charles, whatever I did, I never wanted you to die. I never- …"
"I'm sorry," Charles rasps, his vocal chords a little uncooperative. "I… I'm sorry."
Erik gives him a confused look. "It's not like it's your fault."
"It is… a little, at least."
He is staring at the other, and, clearly, Erik does not understand so Charles raises a hand, waiting for permission, before pressing his fingers against his temple and projecting what has happened into the older one's mind, which is suddenly a lot easier than before.
Erik gasps for air when he realizes that Charles is the one who has been his luck, who has saved his life time and again, regardless of what it would mean for him-
"I'm sorry," the younger one repeats. "I just… letting you die was never an option."
Erik smiles weakly at that, still shaken as he tries to comprehend, tries to cope with all the pain. Holy sh… Charles has died, because of him. Multiple times.
"I would've warned you, but I was always too late, always too weak, so I did what I could. I… Look, I know that you don't love me anymore and stuff, but if you're right about that bond… it looks like we really have to stay together. I don't know for how long, we'll have to work that out… but… maybe you could move here, or come to visit every month, or… I don't know… just enough to keep the both of us going." He has been saying this hurriedly, without looking at Erik, ignoring the way he had seen him open his mouth repeatedly from the corner of his eyes-
However, now that he has finished, the other one does not say anything, before finally speaking up.
"Somehow I doubt that'll be enough."
"… What?"
Erik looks at him, then, and there is so much in his eyes that Charles cannot breathe once more, and he cannot even say whether this is good or bad and-
"You… what we had…" He would not have needed to stress the word like that, really "I don't think that we'll get through with visits. If this is some kind of bond, due to our mutations… we'll have to try and go back to the point we left at."
Charles is really having trouble breathing now, because of what we had and the point we left at and he did not leave it, did not leave Erik, never, he would not, could not have, and Erik wants them to take up their relationship, after everything that has happened, he has not even apologized for shooting Charles, for leaving him paralyzed, and Charles knows that he will forgive him, forgive anything if Erik only comes back, but it certainly seems like he does not care, and what good will Erik coming back do if he only does it for his health, not for Charles-
…
Charles! Charles! Charles!
Listen to me, Charles! Look at me! You need to breathe!
Keep breathing, Charles, you have to keep breathing, please-
Calm your mind!
Please-
I love you Charles, and I'm sorry, I've made so many mistakes, and I left you when I never should have, never wanted to, I wasn't thinking, was just hoping that-
I'm sorry I left you, Charles, but you can't leave me now, not like this-
Not ever-
Charles!
Please, stay with me, Charles, please, please, please-
"Charles!"
He is gasping for air, desperately trying to fill his lungs which feel like they are being torn apart, and there are arms holding him, helping him sit up, making it easier for him to breathe-
Charles forces his eyes open when he has mostly calmed down, never realizing that he has closed them.
Finding himself staring at the wall of his bedroom he slowly turns his head until he finds Erik's face; Erik, who is holding him, sitting on his bed, having pulled him into his lap, who holds him upright when he has no strength left to do so himself, whose strong chest his side is leaning against, who he can hear cough-
Erik's eyes are wide with the terror of what just happened, his face deathly pale, and are those tears running down his cheeks?
"I'm sorry," Charles wheezes, "I didn't want to- …"
… die on you.
Erik is staring at him, the grip around his shoulders having tightened to a strength that is uncomfortable (but that is alright, Charles can deal with that) and then, without a warning, he moves forward and his lips are on Charles' and-
It is a desperate kiss, and far from perfect, both of them having trouble breathing, but it settles something inside Charles that has been going berserk ever since that day at the beach.
Erik breaks away from him after too short a time, but breathing really should be priority right now, he does understand that.
"Never do that again!" Erik then pleads, and there is a look in his eyes that makes Charles think about what he would do were Erik choking in his presence, and he nods without pursuing those thoughts any further, too terrifying as they are-
"I do still love you," the older one says, "how could I not? You… I… we can make this work, Charles. I promise you, we can. And if I have to give everything up-"
Charles coughs, but it is over after a few seconds, still Erik is staring at him with concern in his eyes, clearly not about to continue.
"You couldn't," he thus says. "I… thanks for offering that, but… you couldn't. You'd grow restless, and I wouldn't want to keep you in a cage. Also…I love you for who you are, Erik, for your strength and vigour and endurance. For how you step up for those you want to protect. I wouldn't… I couldn't- …"
Erik smiles at him, then, and Charles blushes, looks away-
"Who of the kids do you think is the best mediator? Who would stay neutral most likely?"
"… Hank? He's quite the diplomat."
"Hmm. The furball. Well, maybe… it might work. We just… We need to… we'll have to talk about it. Whenever we disagree about a mutant-concerning situation we'll have to talk about it calmly and maybe Hank will be able to help us sort through it and find an acceptable compromise."
Charles smiles. "That's… quite a good idea, actually. But… we don't always have to agree. We can… take different courses. You just… We will need to follow separate paths sometimes, I'm sure of that. And it'll be okay… as long as you come home- …"
He feels his throat tighten at the simple thought of the possibility that the other might leave him again.
"I'll always come home," Erik promises.