A/N: This is my first attempt at fanfiction and I am hoping to take it from the events of Mass Effect 2, through to the end of mass Effect 3 and plan to make regular updates. Please let me know what you think!

Update: I read through the story with fresh eyes recently and I identified a number of things that could stand to me improved. The plot remains the same, I've just made a few adjustments as I felt a few things could be reworded or expanded. I hope it's better now

"You! You did this to me!" Shepard roared shooting up from her seat and leaning menacingly over the desk. Garrus, fearing that Shepherd would make a lunge for the asari, clamped Shepard's arms to her sides and tried to coax her to sit back down.

"Please Shepard, calm down" the turian pleaded but her eyes burned bright and her body remained posed to strike.

Since Shepard had saved him from his unfortunate stint on Omega, she seemed erratic in situations where she would normally be unmoved. She was quiet and insular when before she extroverted. Her initial elation at finding him again had died quickly and now the novelty of reuniting with her asari friend had been cut awfully short. He wasn't the only one who had changed, he thought bitterly. There always seemed to be something seething within her, something smouldering beneath the surface and now it was bursting to the surface.

"If I didn't retrieve you from the Shadow Broker, he would have handed you over to the Collectors - I couldn't let them do that!" she cried cowering.

"What?"

"I…I couldn't let you go. It was either Cerberus or the Collectors and I…I had to choose the lesser of the two evils." Liara looked resigned and sad. Her eyes stared into emptiness and she looked suddenly very tired.

"Evil is right, you should have cremated me. I'd have been happier dead!" Shepard spat. The statement was like a rapier thrust into Liara's chest and she staggered back as if struck, brought back to the present. The darkness of the Illum night sky seemed to seep into the room melding with the bitter silence of Liara's office. Garrus looked on astonished not wanting to believe what his Commander had just said:

Shepard wanted to die?

It was inconceivable. The person who had touched everyone's life in such a profound way, who was the only thing that stood between salvation and complete annihilation, did not feel blessed by a second chance. He had been crushed by Shepard's death and seeing her again after those two years of hell was nothing short of a miracle in his book.

Liara felt her heart crumple in her chest and her knees buckle. She had sacrificed so much to the point she could not be sure who she was anymore. She had overcome so many odds, poured her heart and soul into bringing Shepard back and risked death to see Shepard in the flesh once more, to bask in her presence, to give her the chance to make things right again but she didn't even want it.

"How…How can you say that?" The Asari's eyes grew large as what Shepherd said played over and over in her head like an echo. The Commander sank back into her chair defeated. How could they know? How could they even begin to comprehend how it felt? Cerberus had played God and backed her into a mission she couldn't turn down and couldn't escape from. She was nothing more than a puppet for the Illusive Man and yet Liara thought that was a good thing?

"You have no idea what it's like. I feel like an abomination, a monster. And I'm working for Cerberus. Fucking Cerberus! They own me now. I wake up from the dead and I'm told that the Galaxy still rests on my shoulders. Everyone thinks I'm crazy or worse they think I'm a traitor. Even Kaidan doesn't believe me. And what makes it worse is that sometimes I don't even believe me. How can I even be sure that I'm not just some kind of clone?" She asked the room around her not wanting to look at Liara. She sank further down in her seat the fire and fight leaving her body.

"Everything has changed and yet everything is still the same. I'm tired; I could do with a bit more rest." She put her head in her hands and sighed.

"I need a drink" she murmured as she rose to leave the room "Don't wait up Garrus."

"Shepard, you can't think I'm going to leave you alone like thi…" She turned sharply, mid stride to face him and fixed him with a cold stare.

"You can and you will."

The bass from the music pulsated through Shepard's body and the darkness of the dingy bar matched her mood. She sat at the counter, an ostensible picture of calm and stillness in the midst of the flailing bodies of the revellers around her. Desperation was the music they danced to in the under belly of Nos Astra, which was fine by Shepard. Let them dance. Rich, poor; young, old, whatever were all doomed. She downed her drink, grimaced and ordered another of the same immediately. She had always been a social drinker but tonight she was drinking alone. The aim was to drink and forget. But it wasn't working. Visions of her death and resurrection and everyone who had been lost swirled around behind her eyes and despite the copious amounts she had already drank, she was not feeling drunk. Probably another side effect of Cerberus's tampering.

She couldn't understand what made her so special, why out of all the good people who died on the Normandy SR1 she was one of the people who had survived to tell the tale. Scratch that, she had died with them, but she was considered so important that she could not even embrace the peace of death. The people with families and children had been left to rot but Cerberus had decided she was too valuable to die and had 'reconstructed' her as part of a long line of their Frankenstein like, 'let's play God' experiments. And now she was here, drinking herself into oblivion in some back street bar in a forgotten corner of Nos Astra. She hated Cerberus but she had no choice but to work with them. She had tried to reach out to the Alliance and the Council and warn them of the impending threat, but they had closed their ears and eyes to her. Even Kaidan had turned away from her. It was ironic that the day she discovered he loved her was the day she also knew that love had come to an end. She picked up her glass and regarded the amber coloured liquid pensively trying to figure out what to do next with her second life.

Liara barged into the bar turning this way and that looking for the Commander. The bar was packed with people and the fumes of alcohol, unwashed bodies and red sand hung ominously in the air. She pushed through the crowd of dancing patrons trying to spot Shepard. She just knew she was here; she could feel her presence close by and knew her search wouldn't be in vain. She just hoped she wouldn't be too late to stop her from doing anything crazy. There didn't seem to be many humans in the bar so it shouldn't take too long to find out whether she was here or not, plus she could tell Shepard anywhere. Finally she spotted her friend sitting dejected by the bar and the crumpling of her heart began to slowly unfurl like a flower preparing to present itself to the day. However in intoxicated turian in cheap armour seemed to be trying to get Shepherd's attention. He crawled up to the human invading her personal space, his face so close Shepard could smell the foulness of his breath.

"Hey, I haven't seen you around here before" he slurred, leaning even closer to Shepard and spilling his drink with his unsteady movements. His beady eyes roamed up and down her body. Shepard glared at him, daring him.

Liara saw the turian leaning too close to Shepard, saw him attempt to stroke her hair and became incensed. She flew through the crowd and biotically pushed him over, his arms flailing wildly and clumsily in the air, trying in vain to right himself. He landed with a thud on his back, too dazed to get up.

"What the hell…?" Liara prised the unfinished drink from Shepard's fingers

"Shepard I'm sorry," she blurted. The human's face twisted with exasperation. She didn't need to be reminded of what Liara had done right now; the pictures that formed in her imagination were enough all she wanted was to be left alone with her thoughts. She reached for the drink.

"Can we go somewhere else to talk?" the asari said, holding the glass further out of reach.

"Please Shepard" her cerulean eyes pleaded with her, but Shepard looked away.

"I'm through with talking, give me my drink"

"We need to talk" Liara insisted, determined not to drop the matter

"You're not going to leave me alone are you?"

"No" Liara said firmly and Shepard sighed and rubbed her face with her hands.

"Fine, lead the way"