Alex's day had been rather stressful and vaguely unsettling. He'd had a heavy thought weighing on his mind ever since second block, and he needed someone to set him straight.

He found Tom at his locker.

"I'm not gay," he told his friend as he walked up. "I've dated a girl."

Tom paused in the action of taking his Physics book from his backpack. He raised a brow. "You're trying to convince me because…?"

Alex didn't reply to that and instead asked, nonplussed, "You're not already convinced?"

"I didn't necessarily say that."

"But you did imply it. You were supposed to say, 'Alex no, of course you're not, I totally knew that' but you didn't." He squinted at his friend as Tom swapped out his schoolbooks and closed his locker door. "You think I'm gay?"

Tom shrugged. "I dunno. But I've always kind of doubted that you were straight." He zipped his backpack and looked up at Alex. "You did turn down Amanda Delacroix when she asked you out last month. That kind of reinforced the ideas I've always had."

Alex scowled. "I told you, I wasn't ready for a relationship." He hesitated briefly and then asked, "What about before that? Why did I ever give you reason to doubt my heterosexuality?"

Tom looked disbelieving. "Besides the fact that you've never had a crush? Ever? And have told me in the past that you don't find Olivia Wilde, Jada Pinkett Smith, or Zoe Saldana attractive? At all? You said Zoe Saldana had a nice nose, which I think you thought proved your heterosexuality, but Alex, it really didn't. Let's not forget about how in primary school you once found a cardboard box chock full of Playboy magazines and you didn't keep them and instead sold them to the upperclassmen for well more than what they're actually worth. Impressive, but really freaking not straight."

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but Tom wasn't finished.

"Not to mention we watched Basic Instinct, and you weren't interested in Sharon Stone a single bit, which I am only mildly appalled by, really. And while we're at it, yes Alex, you did date a girl, if it can even be called that. It was Sabina. You never held hands. She kissed you, once, when she thought you were asleep. When I asked what you liked about her, you told me it was her 'wit and cool thinking', but mate, I asked you about her body, and you said she had 'nice hair'."

Tom levelled him with a look that could only be described as pity. "Is there really any doubt that you're not straight?"

Alex chewed on his lip for a moment, trying to ignore the embarrassed flush on his face. What Tom said was true, but… "All of this merely denotes a lack of attraction towards women, which I… might understand… but none of this points toward an attraction to men."

The answering smile on Tom's face was all tooth and savagery, and Alex immediately regretted speaking.

"Oh Alex, I am so glad you asked. Let's take another walk down memory lane, shall we?" He began to tick off his fingers. "One, your Legolas phase. Stronger than any straight girl's I've ever known. Two, you were basically head over heels for Prince Erik, not Ariel the hot redhead, like every other pre-teen boy. Three, you refer to Matt Bomer as a 'god'. Finally, four, and this is really the most damning piece of evidence-" Tom leaned closer and lowered his voice. "-you stare at Day Webster literally every chance you get."

Alex jerked back as if he'd been struck and stared at Tom, eyes wide. "Wh-What? I do not!"

Tom just laughed and winked back, and he couldn't help the furious blush that stole over his face.

"My eyes wander sometimes- I don't stare." He couldn't help himself as he glanced around furtively to see if anyone was listening. But the hallways were thinning and no one was paying attention to the two boys stalling near the lockers.

"Yes you do." Tom patted him on the shoulder and gave him a condescending smile. "But, like, whatever. A conversation for another time, right? You coming over after school?"

They started walking toward their next classes, Tom with his near-perpetual smirk still plastered on his face, and Alex with his cheeks still red.

"Yeah. Could I spend the night?"

"'Course. Finish off our movie marathon?"

"Yeah."

Alex's current guardian was a 43 year old, hard-jawed Guadalupan named Alil Espinoza. He had grey eyes that looked like rocks and he was built like a freight train. Alex didn't like him. Tom didn't either. Neither did Jerry, Tom's brother.

Because of the mutual distaste for the man, Alex most often found himself hanging out in the Harris household, spending the night when he didn't want to deal with Alil, which was, to be honest, more nights than not.

Neither Harris really minded- they both knew what it was like to live under the hand of an unfit guardian. And Alex was a good mate and he cooked and cleaned and looked after himself, and really, things actually went a lot smoother with him around.

Friday night found Tom and Alex curled up under the blankets on the living room sofa. They were watching The Princess and the Frog and Tom was complaining bitterly.

"I just don't see why we can't choose our own partners in Chem- I mean, we are adults, aren't we?"

"Technically adolescents," Alex said. "But I understand your point. At least you didn't get partnered with Macy, right?"

Macy Joiner had a massive, completely uncomfortable crush on Tom, and just the sound of her name made the short boy shudder.

"Damn right," he said. "Still, Martinique isn't that much better. She's kind of… I don't know…"

"Intense?" Alex supplied. "Yeah, no, completely. That rumour that she killed her ex-boyfriend is, of course, absolutely ludicrous- but a lot of people believe it, which says a lot on its own."

"Yeah, though these same people believe you have killed someone."

"Well I have," Alex said. "So. Not really your best argument."

"Still." Tom considered for a moment. "It's true though. At least it's not Macy. Her crush is getting… Well, it's getting out of hand."

"It's been out of hand ever since she followed you to your house and hand-delivered her love poems to you by shoving them through your bedroom window."

Tom's face was dark and he rubbed his hands over his arms to hold in his shiver. "It's a bloody good thing I moved in with Jerry."

On screen, Prince Naveen was serenading Tiana. Tom blinked and shoved off his discomfort, eyes brightening.

"Speaking of crushes though…" He poked Alex's side with a sock covered foot. "Are we talking about Day or what?"

Alex started so badly he nearly fell off the sofa, and Tom stared in amazement.

"Bloody hell, you've got it bad."

"Shut up," Alex muttered, avoiding Tom's eyes as he righted himself. "I don't have a crush on Day."

"We have established you like boys, right? Like, I'm totally fine with your sexual orientation. Jerry's bi, as you know. There'll be no judgment in this house."

"It's not that!" Alex said. "I just- I don't like him like that! Sometimes I- I glance at him, and I think perhaps you've misconstrued that as something more than it is."

Tom raised his brows. "Oh, so you glance at him, do you?"

"Yes! He sits right next to the window, and I like to- to look at the birds."

"So what you're saying is, he's just in the way."

"Yeah."

"And last Thursday in Literature you glanced at him 17 times, but really you were just trying to enjoy nature."

This gave Alex a pause. "You counted?" he asked weakly.

Tom grinned. "Oh hell yeah I counted Alex. 17. Times. That's some pretty intense bird watching."

"Look- I-" Alex floundered. "You- You know what? Maybe I do look at Day occasionally-"

Tom coughed.

"-perhaps even often- whatever! It doesn't matter! You stare at Josephine all the time!"

"Yeah, but I also stare at Taieesha, Elle, and Alanna Lopez. You, however, only stare at Day."

"You don't know that," Alex said defensively. "We don't share every class. I stare at other people too."

"Do you really?"

There was a pause.

"...No," the blond finally admitted. "It's really just…" He sighed and deflated like a ball that had all its air let out. "It's really just Day."

"Like I thought. Alex, you're the smartest, most perceptive person I know. Can you really not admit to yourself that you have maybe just the tiniest crush on him?"

"I don't see why I need to," Alex muttered. "Maybe I do, maybe I don't. What's it even matter anyway?"

His eyes were firmly fixed on one of Jerry's snowboarding trophies perched on the shelf across the room.

Tom frowned. "Well, how else are we going to plot your advances if you yourself can't even hear his name without looking like you've committed an act of terrorism?"

This made Alex look up at his friend. "What? That's- Hold on." He shifted on the sofa until he could stare Tom in the face. "First of all, terrible metaphor. Really inappropriate. Secondly though, and more importantly, what do you mean plot my advances?"

Tom looked at him as if he'd said something incredibly stupid. "What do you think I mean? Seduction, Alex! We have to plan your seduction techniques!"

"Seduction?!"

"Is there an echo in here?" Tom demanded. A sudden, horrified expression quickly took over his face. "Hang on- Ian did- I mean, he did… give you The Talk didn't he?"

"What? Tom!" Alex wanted to crawl under the blankets and die. "Of course he did! I know what seduction is, okay? I just don't know why you think I'm going to be partaking in it. I don't want anyone to know about my- my crush." He forced the word out through gritted teeth. "Least of all him."

"Why on earth not? What, you think he's out of your league?"

"I know he is," Alex said. "But that's not the point. I'm fine with things the way they are now. I have absolutely no time for any excessive teenage drama."

"It won't be 'excessive teenage drama' Alex, god. It'll be you, getting a hot, talented boyfriend."

"No, it'll be me making a fool of myself. Besides, it's just too dangerous."

"Too dangerous?"

"Come on, Tom. Sabina nearly got her fingers cut off with pliers. You were literally shot. No one close to me is safe."

This brought the other boy up short. "I thought Jones said she was going to leave you alone."

"Mrs. Jones says a lot of things. I'm not holding my breath for her to keep any promises."

There was silence for a moment. On the TV the firefly was singing soulfully to the night sky. Finally Alex spoke again.

"The damage has already been done, anyway. There's nothing any of us can do about it."

Tom squinted at his friend. "Al, I sure hope you're not implying what I think you're implying."

"What? That I'll never be able to love and grow old with someone without always fearing their impending murder? That I'll die alone and with no one because anything else is just selfish?" He snorted. "It's not an implication, it's a fact."

"You maudlin bastard," Tom nearly swore. "You can't just live out your life in fear like that! You deserve happiness just as much as the next bloke."

"I'm a murderer." Alex said blankly. "And a coward and a cheat and I've done things in the past that disgust me to the core. I don't even know if I deserve to live, much less whether I deserve happiness."

"Jesus Christ Alex," Tom hissed out, face white. He looked incredibly shaken. "What do you mean you're not sure if you deserve to live?"

He gripped his friend by the shoulders firmly.

"Alexander John Rider, you are the kindest, most passionate, intelligent and loyal person I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. Don't you ever say something like that ever again do you hear me?" He gave Alex a little shake, staring shakily into his eyes. "Do you? You helped me through my parents' divorce when I had no one else- you gave me your friendship, your house, your family. I don't think- God, I don't think I'd be here if it weren't for you."

Alex's eyes felt suspiciously damp, and he swiped at them angrily. "Now you quit it," he retorted. "You would have been just fine without me. You're the strongest person I know."

"Let's just agree that we're better together than apart," Tom said, his own eyes shiny. "Alive and healthy and here in this house, watching The Princess and the Frog and gossipping about our classmates. Deal?"

Alex paused, smiled slowly, and said softly, "Deal."

There was another silence as Tom reached over and took Alex's hand in his own. They sat like that for a moment, just enjoying each other's company, both absorbing the friendship that had saved both of their lives, in so many ways.

Things weren't great. A lot of the time, things weren't even good.

Alex still woke himself in the middle of the night, sobbing his heart out in an empty room, fingers cramping and twitching and trying to hold onto a phantom pistol- a pistol that he had dropped in the blood-soaked sands of Cairo, next to the corpse of a boy who wore his face. He still sat on the roof, just a little too close to the edge, wondering if it would be better for everyone- better for him- if he were to just… slip off. He still punched walls and saw ghosts and screamed his throat raw as he was waterboarded again and again and again in his dreams.

Tom still cried himself to sleep every few days. Mis mother was in Bora Bora with her new boyfriend, and he didn't even know where his father was. He missed them every day, despite the fact that they had never been good for him, had never been there for him like they should have been. He still thought about them more often than he cared to admit, and he still couldn't stretch his left arm without feeling the phantom pain of when his mother had dislocated his shoulder when he was 12.

Both boys were still messes. But they were better now, nowhere near whole, but not broken either, and that was the most precious thing either had at the moment.

They sat in comfortable, if not melancholic, silence for the next few movie scenes, content to just absorb themselves in another happy Disney plot. They'd been marathoning every single children's Disney movie they could get their hands on for the past three weeks, and the singing and the dancing and the happy endings were incredibly cathartic. Tom had seen way more of them than Alex had, because Ian had never really understood the importance of traditional kids media, but he was more than happy to share any bit of childhood he could with Alex.

But Tom, being Tom, wasn't about to let things go just quite yet. Alex caught the side-eyed look his friend sent his way, and immediately tensed back up. "What. Tom. Come on. We just had a serious heart-to-heart, tell me you're not going to start in on my crush again."

Tom grinned, looking delighted in the face of Alex's pleading look. "Oh, so you admit it's a crush then?"

"Tom you utter bastard, you leave me alone. You have the empathy of a hyena and I won't stand for this."

"Look," Tom laughed. "Don't you worry about a thing, okay? Jerry is going to be home any minute now, and when he gets here we're going to sit down and have a nice family meal, and we're all going to do some brainstorming on how we can win you your man."

"We're going to what? You- I- Jerry? We're not telling Jerry!"

Alex was horrified at the very thought, but Tom didn't seem to understand what the problem was. "Why on earth not? He has quite a bit of dating experience- dating boys, which is what you need help with."

"This is so embarrassing," He groaned. "Oh my god, it's not that big of a deal!"

"This is the very first crush you've ever had! Of course it's a big deal!" Tom swooped in and gathered Alex into a smothering hug. He forcefully cradled Alex's head against his breast. "You've just grown up so fast!"

"Tom! Get off!" He struggled futilely for a moment, before giving up and throwing his entire weight against his friend.

Tom yelped and tumbled to the ground, and Alex landed on top of him. This was, of course, unacceptable, and Tom countered with a sharp blow to the stomach with a very pointy elbow. The air gasped out of Alex's lungs, but he grabbed Tom tightly by his right wrist and managed to hook a leg underneath Tom's knee. It was short work before Tom had been flipped onto his stomach, a foot firmly pressed against the back of his thigh, his head in a tight headlock.

"Mother of God," he gasped out. "Uncle! Uncle!"

"You've forgotten the magic word," Alex teased.

"Alex!"

"Not it."

"Alex get off me, you're crushing my spleen!"

"Still not it."

"I can feel my liver bleeding, get off of me before I die!"

They were interrupted by a small cough. "So, like, am I supposed to call the police or what?"

Both boys immediately stilled and their heads snapped up to the doorway, where Jerry stood, hands full of grocery bags, his eyebrows raised. "Or possibly a doctor?"

"Brother dearest!" Tom choked, struggling against Alex's grip until Alex rolled his eyes and let him go.

Tom hopped up, beaming, looking none the worse for wear. "What perfect timing! We were just talking about you!"

"Oh Christ no," Jerry muttered. "I'm too old for this."

"You're 24," Alex pointed out.

"And we need your help!" Tom continued, following his brother into the kitchen. "We have a very serious issue and we need to develop a working strategy!"

"You don't need to break into any more terrorist compounds, do you?" The absolute trepidation in his voice made Alex snort.

"No no, nothing of the sort," Tom said. "Look, let's get dinner fixed and then we can all talk about it. Trust me, it's nothing bad."

"Oh yes it is," Alex said under his breath, but Jerry still heard him. He gave his younger brother a skeptical look.

"Trust me!" Tom persisted. He hurriedly shelved the three boxes of spaghetti that Jerry had carried in. "I'll heat up the oven, Alex, you get the shrimp."

30 minutes later, the food was ready and the three boys were seated around the dinner table, bowls full.

"So?" Jerry asked, shoveling a forkful of rice into his mouth. "What's this big problem you guys are having?"

"You know, we don't really need to talk about this-"

"Yes we do," Tom cut in. "Alex has a crush on a boy from school."

Jerry choked on his food.

Alex moaned.

Tom chuckled. "Oh yes, you heard that right. Our innocent, adorable little biggly-boo has it bloody bad for a boy. It's just too cute."

"Wow, I'm- well, I'm not really surprised that you like a boy- I'm just more surprised that you fancy anyone, really. I've thought for a while that you might be aromantic- asexual at the very least."

"What?"

"No romantic attraction or no sexual attraction." Jerry shrugged. "And I guess you could still be ace. It's no big deal. Mark is ace and my friend Ad'ifaah is aro. But what? Gay? That's cool too man."

"I'm not gay."

"Well," Tom said. "I mean."

"I'm not gay," Alex stressed. "I don't like boys, I just like- I just like Day. Only Day." He hesitated for a moment. "But I guess- I guess that does mean I am gay? Because he's a boy?"

Jerry waved his fork. "Oh, who the hell knows? Look, Alex, you don't need to label your sexuality if you don't want to. Lots and lots of people don't. It's totally okay to just live in the moment."

Alex bit his lip. "Live in the moment. Right."

Jerry observed him for a moment before sighing. "Okay then, onward we march. What's the real issue here? Because you don't need any sort of plan to be gay and Tom mentioned some sort of plot. Does it involve this kid at school? Is he straight?"

"Yes."

"No."

Tom and Alex looked at each other.

"He seems pretty straight to me."

"He's not, trust me," Tom said. He turned to his brother. "His name is Day Webster and he's basically a punk rock, hot, tattooed artist. Alex has very good taste."

"And you… know that he's not straight how exactly?"

"I just know. I can feel it."

"Tom!" Jerry cried. "What you're saying is you don't actually know whether he's gay or not? Or even bisexual? And you- what- want me to help set Alex up with him?"

"Those are exactly my thoughts," Alex said.

"And my answer is yes," Tom said. "Look, you'll never really know until you at least try a little wooing. Things could work out great between you two!"

"But they'll most likely crash and burn! Tom, you don't know if he's gay! He's never shown any interest in a boy before, and I've heard that he dated Kelly Pierce last year- what about that makes it seem like I have any chance at all?"

"Alex. Trust me. Day might not be gay, but he sure as hell is bisexual. I'm willing to bet money on it."

"Hold on," Jerry interrupted. "Wait just one minute. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Tom, bro, if you don't actually know if he's bisexual, then there's nothing to be done. That means he's not out, and if he's not out, it is not your place to go off and tell people that he is, whether it's true or not."

"But-!"

"No buts. And have you even asked Alex whether he wants to out himself?"

Tom turned to his best friend and raised his eyebrows. "If I know Alex, and boy do I know Alex, he won't mind if people know."

Alex shrugged and nodded. "I mean, no, not really. But I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of it either."

Jerry sighed. "And therein lies the second problem. People are going to make a big deal out of it- some of them, at least. It's just the way people are- teenagers especially. So if you end of dating this Day boy, then both of you are going to have to be prepared for the scrutiny."

"Well that's fine, because like I said, I don't want to date Day."

"But don't you like him?"

Tom seemed at a loss, and Alex took pity on him. He sighed and set down his fork and leaned his elbows on the table.

"It's not that I don't like him" He explained. "Because I- well, I really do. It's just… There's no point in even trying to get close to him, because one, he'll never like me. Two, even if he does like me back, he'll probably never want to date me, since Jerry is completely right, he isn't out. Three, there's no point because like I said, it's too dangerous for me to get close to anyone. And finally, four, even if- and Tom I say if- we did end up dating, I am 100 percent sure he would quickly grow tired of my problems and we'd soon after break up, so there is no point."

There was silence for a moment. Even Jerry had stopped his never-ending inhalation of rice and shrimp to stare at Alex, who shifted uncomfortably.

Jerry shook his head. "Bloody hell, Alex, you've got some serious self-esteem issues, mate."

"They're not self-esteem issues, they're truths, which I've learned to accept."

He was growing tired of having to repeat this. It's not as if he wanted to believe these things- it was just that it was necessary for him to accept them so that he could get on with his life. The Harris brothers didn't seem to understand that the consequences of his past followed him to the future, and not just in the form of nightmares and chest pains and PTSD, but in more dramatic, overt ways as well.

He could never go to China because he was still wanted by the Triads. Kopassus had a lengthy excerpt next to his name from his time in Jakarta, so the Indonesians weren't particularly fond of him either. He was on six separate top secret no-fly lists, and on twice as many covert government watch-lists and he couldn't even drive to the airport without his actions being monitored and reported to high-level government officials.

He was a dog on a leash and he was being given lead at the moment, but he hadn't had any in the past, and he would have very little in the future, and he understood and accepted this fact.

"Look, can we just… Can we just agree to let this one go? I'm perfectly fine with admiring from afar. Really, I am."

"I'm sorry Alex," Tom shook his head. "But no way in hell. You're my best friend and you deserve to be happy- you deserve to be exuberant- so I'm going to workshop this one and I'm going to help you get laid." He paused. "I mean, if you want to get laid. Just holding hands and stuff is perfectly fine as well."

Jerry smacked a hand over his face and groaned.

"It's like you haven't heard a single word that was just said," Alex said in disbelief.

"Oh I have, trust me, I have- and it's all been taken into consideration." He leaned forward to stare directly at Alex. "By the end of this school year, you will have a boyfriend, I guarantee it. And-!" He held up his index fingers. "Not only that! But no one will out themselves unless by their own free will! I pledge it!"

His eyes burned brightly and his cheeks were flushed in what could only be considered righteous determination.

"Please kill me," said Alex.

A/N: So Alex hasn't actually interacted with his crush yet, but it's coming, don't you worry- prepare for a lot of pining and awkwardness lol. This is my first fic that's not a one-shot so updates will probably be slow, but I'm hyped about this story and I will try my best!

Also I'm queer myself so I think I'll probably do alright, but if I write anything that comes off as offensive, please drop me a line! Not my intention!