So, I've been told my several people indepently that I should sit down and write a Bones fic. After much hedging today I finally did just that. It's not something I had ever envisioned writing nor is it what I had planned to write but after some really nice post episode chats with pantherama Brennan apparently found her way into my head and stayed there until I finished this. Despite all that I enjoyed writing this as it has been a while since I've finished anything much less present it to the public eye. As it stands this has been read over by someone other than me but more for general approval than real betaing so any mistakes contained within are solely my responsibility. Feel free to shoot me for it!
As far as ratings go I will give this a T but that's mostly because I'd rather play it safe and rate too high than too low. Now without further ado I let you get on with the story which is, of course, about Booth and Brennan although this very much focuses on Brennan.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bones nor will I ever own Bones. I love watching it, however!
Ties and Contracts, Part 1
They finished their beers not too long after that Led Zeppelin argument and mutually decided to call it a night. He waited silently beside her as she slipped on her jacket, something he normally helped her with. After that he did not guide her with his hands on her back either as they made their way outside.
When she informed him she was going to walk home there was no word of protest from him instead he just told her to be careful before wishing her a good night.
Stuffing her hands into her jacket pockets Brennan stood on the sidewalk and watched as he got into his car and drove off. She did not move from her spot until the car was out of sight. Only then did she turn slowly, methodically and headed in the direction of her apartment building.
Her mind was in turmoil, something she was not used to. She always had her thoughts in order, just like the bones on the examination table. Tonight, however, it was all a jumble of disconnected images from the last few weeks.
Booth showing off his new tie.
Cam telling her that she was happy for Booth and Catherine.
Angela's and Hodgins' attempts at *not* to flirt.
Telling Cam how she preferred to be alone.
Having coffee with Andrew.
Talking social contracts with Booth.
Angela's advice on dating Andrew.
Finding out that Cam was dating now, too.
The anthropological inevitability of humans pairing off because they were programmed that way. And looking around here everyone was pairing off, some slower and some quicker. Which made sense, of course. Unfortunately nothing else made sense to her anymore and if she looked at it objectively it was a fair assessment to say that *she* had not been herself since...
She stopped, she still could not bring herself to think about that night. As she looked around she realized that she had walked right by her own building. Frowning she backtracked and made her way to her third floor apartment.
Once inside she just stood there for the longest time, leaning back against the front door and surveying her personal space. Everything was neat and in order, everything had its place. And up until a few weeks ago she did have her place, too. As Dr. Temperance Brennan, Forensic Anthropologist of the Jeffersonian Institute, consultant to the FBI, successful novelist and as partner of one Special Agent Seeley Booth.
Then Booth had gone and upset the careful balance of her world.
When Sweets had challenged him to take that gamble she had almost yelled stop right there because she knew at once what he was getting at and it had made her go cold inside.
Instead they had left Sweets' office in a rush like always when things got too awkward. But instead of going for dinner they had just walked and spoken about the book and the psychologist's assumption therein. For a short period of time Brennan had breathed more easily, assuming that she was safe, that they were safe. Until Booth took that one step and tumbled them over the precipice. In doing so he had left her no choice but to hurt him. Logically it was better to hurt him a little now than hurting him a lot later when things fell apart. Because things always fell apart in the end when she was involved. Which is why she told him that he deserved so much better than she could give him, told him how flawed she really was. And hoped that he found find that someone who would love him for the next 30, 40 or 50 years. She had moved back that night and set him free from a hold she had no right to have over him.
So she went on and tried to do things the way she had always done them and locked that moment away in the far recesses of her mind. When Andrew asked her out she accepted because he was so much easier to deal with than Booth. She did not know how to act around Booth anymore, what was appropriate to talk about and what was not. Because she was used to just talk to Booth about anything and while he would occasionally tell her that she was being inappropriate he still tried to respond as best as he could. Whereas with Andrew she did not have think about what to do and what to say. It did not involve emotions or deep thoughts on her part. Andrew was...safe, Brennan realized with startling clarity and pushed away from the front door.
He was safe, just like most of her life had been safe since leaving that last foster home and going off to college. And it would have stayed that way if Booth had not shown up and asked for her help on that very first case they worked together.
Within that short period of time that it took them to solve it Booth had effectively loosened the knots on her safety net one by one and had almost succeeded in dismantling it completely when she had finally realized the danger of her feelings for him and had pulled back. Hard.
Lashing out at him had been the means to an end - to put as much distance as possible between them, to keep him away.
And it had worked. For 386 days it had worked and she had rebuild her safety net, made it stronger and more secure. Then he was back in her life, detaining her at the airport to get her attention. From then on he had slowly insinuated himself into her routine to the point where she did not even question his presence anymore. He was just there, providing answers about her parents' disappearance, reuniting her with her family, teaching her about all the little things and big things that she had never considered important enough but which meant so much to him. He stood by her side time and again, believed in her even if it went against his own beliefs because he trusted her. Booth trusted her to have his back. Just like she trusted him to have hers. He was right when he said they would die for each other. For the past five years he had protected her and kept her safe.
And yet she would not take that ultimate step with him like he had asked her to. Because he had asked her to put something on the line that she could not give. Her life was based on certainties, on facts. She could not deal with unknown quantities like feelings and time and how one could change the other.
That was why seeing Andrew was so much easier. There was no emotional involvement required, all she had to do was show up and pretend to be interested.
As soon as that thought popped into her head she realized that she was using him. She was using Andrew to prove to Booth that it was okay for him to move on, that she had meant what she said to him that night. The idea that she was doing this disgusted her and there was only one thing to do. Without second thought she dug out her cellphone and dialed Andrew's number.
After a few rings he answered, "Temperance, is something wrong?"
"What? Wrong? No, of course not. I just..." Her eyes landed on the nearest clock and she closed her eyes for a moment. It was almost midnight and even she knew better than to call someone this late. "I am sorry, Andrew, but this is something that couldn't wait."
"Are you sure everything is okay?" he asked again, genuinely concerned now.
She hesitated, feeling bad for doing this in the first place and then doing it over the phone but she was determined to see it through. "Yes, everything is okay. At least for me it is but... Andrew, I..."
"You don't want to see me any more. Socially I mean," he finished for her, sounding sad.
Brennan sighed. "It wasn't a good idea to begin with but..."
"You wanted to make Booth jealous?" he offered, feeling very tired all of a sudden.
"No, god no. Never. I am glad he has Catherine now, he deserves it as I said."
"What about you, Temperance? What do you deserve?"
"What are you talking about, Andrew?"
"I am not that blind, you know. I've seen the way you looked at him and Catherine. For some reason you have decided he needs to be with someone and that someone is not you."
"No, of course it's not me. Booth and I are partners."
"Temperance."
Him calling her that began to annoy her and she snapped, "What?"
"Look it's none of my business, really, and much as I enjoyed our coffee meetings I knew there was no real chance for me. You are, however, an extremely beautiful woman that no man can say no to, so I took my chances. I hope we can still be friends."
"Of course, Andrew, there is no reason not to."
"Well, that's that then, I guess. I'll see you at work."
"At work, yes. Good night, Andrew."
"Good night, Temperance Brennan."
She ended the call, surprised at not feeling the least bit relieved that this was over.
With a sigh she fell into the nearest armchair, her mind replaying bits and pieces of conversations she had in the last couple of weeks with Angela, with Cam today and now with Andrew. Why was everyone around her so convinced that she was good for Booth? Especially Angela knew of her bad track record with men. She invariably drove them away either on purpose or by not acting the way they expected her to.
But Booth has never expected you to be anything but yourself, a voice whispered in the back of her head. He did not say that you have to change to be with him. He wanted you to be with him just the way you are, to take that next step together.
"But I need to protect him," she said into the empty room.
The way he protects you, the voice mocked, and you tell him off for it.
You don't want to be protected yet here you are thinking you need to protect him. What if he does not want to be protected either?
What if he really just wants to be with you in every way he can?
He was willing to accept a very painful truth not too long and you lied to protect him, breaking one of your own principles for him. Yet there he was telling you that even if it hurt he would much rather have the truth because *you* taught him that. He can let go of his beliefs for you so why can you not let go of yours and just go with his anecdotal proof.
Do you really want to be alone when you don't have to be? Do you really think losing Booth now would hurt any less than losing him after being in a committed and full-filling relationship with him?
You have let your father back in despite everything that happened. You went and took that risk because you love him. And Russ. And you know that they love you. So how is Booth different from that?
Why is it so hard to believe that he loves you, that he will keep on loving you?
Your father did. He never stopped loving you and watching over you, he just could not show you. Yet here is a man willing to prove it to you over and over again that love exists, that people love you and that you are worthy to be loved.
You trust him with your life, Brennan, why not with your heart?
"Why not indeed?" she whispered, her eyes landing on her cellphone that she was still holding. Her finger sat ready to push on the number 1 button, the speed dial for Booth' cellphone but she hesitated, thinking of their earlier talk about social contracts. She might have unraveled hers with Andrew but Booth on the other hand...
He was dating Catherine and seemed genuinely happy about it. After hurting him that night what right did she have now to intrude on his new relationship and burdening him with her own insecurities and what ifs. Her finger hovered in place for two more seconds then she resolutely turned off the phone.
TBC