Title: The Angelic Trick To Anger Management
Warnings: Bad words, utter crack, references to fornication,
Disclaimer: It's all Kripkes
AN: Betaed by Obsession-Rules-Me because I am a helpless child with out her. This is utter crack and I refuse to apologise! I want to write a real story people, really I do but my muse just won't let me honest!This whole idea is from a serious story that I tried to write and this idea was the only thing salvagable about it.
Castiel is not having a good day. It all starts with the tree in front of the motel Dean and Sam are currently staying in. When he lands by it, it sees fit to drip some sort of goo onto him.
Then he gets to Dean and the man is in a foul mood, which means a lot of sniping between Sam and him while they try to work the hunt they are on.
The hunt, as it turns out, is a werewolf which worsens both brothers moods and he is now getting snapped at from both of them. Dean snaps at Sam to not snap at Cas and they end up wrestling like ten year olds for fifteen whole minutes. Castiel eventually pulls them apart and tells them both to shut up.
When he goes to get them lunch and reappears outside the motel the tree drips on him again. He gives the tree a challenging glare. " I am an angel of the Lord. You will show me some respect."
He steps back into the motel room but he swears that he hears the tree leaves moving in a distinctly mocking way but before he can smite it Dean distracts him by asking if he remembered the pie. This irritates him further because he is only forgotten the pie once and Dean has never… Let it go!
When he goes to find Elly she is having some sort of staring contest with Balthazar. Which is ridiculous because neither of them actually need to blink. One will get bored with looking at the other but they are angels and it could take a while. Castiel tells them to grow up and leaves
He returns to Dean in time to learn that it was not, in fact, one werewolf they are hunting but an entire pack and one witch. Castiel manages to help them dispatch the werewolves but the witch proves to be more trouble. She manages to throw some sort of itching powder all over him before he loses his temper and smites her. Smiting as a practice is thoroughly discouraged by heaven. Castiel is itchy though and doesn't, as Dean would put it, 'give a flying fuck.'
They return to the motel with foul moods all around, Castiel still itches therefore he is the most miserable. The Winchester men take turns showering while Castiel tries to use his grace to remove the itchy substance from his skin and when he realizes he can't he too has to shower. There is no warm water and he gets soap in his eyes which Dean apparently finds highly amusing when Castiel calls him to help.
"Come on Cas, you're a big bad angel of the lord being taken down by soap. It's kinda funny." Dean laughs as he gently rinses the soap from Castiel's eyes.
When the shower is over and he no longer itches, he feels rather optimistic about the rest of the day. He borrows some of Dean's clothing and sits down with him to watch TV. Dean immediately turns on that show about the doctor who wears non-regulation foot wear and Castiel resists the urge to make the TV explode. He controls himself however because last time it didn't end well for anyone. Mostly Elly but Castiel still fears she is plotting some sort of revenge on him for blaming her.
" I am going to get dinner." Castiel announces but all he gets is a tired grunt from Sam and a ' don't forget the pie babe' from Dean. Castiel usually doesn't mind if Dean calls him pet names but the 'babe' annoys him for no reason at all.
He gets pizza from a place in Chicago that Death recommended to him once and some beers and a pie from a near by market. The cashier is rude and insists on seeing his identification twice. By then end of the transaction Castiel regrets not just stealing the beer and pie. He returns to the motel and places the food onto the table in front of Sam.
" Look Cas, it's a marathon." Dean grins. Castiel visibly twitches.
" I am going for a walk." He announces after a half an hour of watching the fake doctor talk about medical afflictions that Castiel knows aren't real and fornicate with every woman he comes within five feet of. Dean looks disappointed but nods and continues to stare at the fake doctors ass. Castiel reminds himself of Elly's impending revenge and walks away.
He walks around the block and has stopped outside the motel notably calmer. Something then decides to drip onto the shirt he is wearing, which is one of Dean's precious band t-shirts. Castiel looks up to see he is standing under the defiant tree from earlier. This tree is determined to make a mockery of him and he will not stand for it any longer.
He levels his best mighty angel look at the tree and gives it a good kick, not thinking about the fact he hasn't been to heaven in a few days and had used a great deal of his grace earlier that day. Translation: the tree wins. He kicks the tree again but this only causes a pain to shoot up his leg from his big toe. Castiel hobbles on one foot and glares at the tree and he isn't looking where he is hopping, too busy glaring and falls backwards over something and falls on his butt.
The tree branches shake, Castiel is officially positive he is being openly mocked by a glorified plant.
-Who's my bitch?-
Arielle has never been stupid, she is an angel after all. She has learned, however, that if you act ditzy enough around most people (and non-people) they ignore you completely and you learn some very interesting things about them. Being able to become invisible and being really snoopy doesn't hurt either.
Bobby Singer gets pedicures and loves puppies.
Crowley has a cat named Mr. Wiggly and a pet bunny named Carl.
She knows that Sam Winchester looks at her chest sometimes and A: he thinks she doesn't notice and B: hates himself afterwards. She doesn't really blame him, her boobs are awesome and he is only human.
Elly's secret is that first chance she gets she is totally going to tap that.
Becky ships something called Wincest and that's why she hates Elly so much. It may also be Elly's fault since her first reaction to this once she learned what that meant was to announce to Becky that Desitel was her OTP and it's totally canon now. Becky writes stories about Sam doing kinky naked things with his brother. Elly too has plans for a naked Sam that are rather kinky (some of which are thanks to Becky) but they have nothing to do with his brother. This means Elly wins the 'who is saner' contest.
Chuck has a weird obsession with toilet paper that really isn't healthy. She knows for a fact he is hoarding a bunch somewhere 'in case of an emergency'. What is a toilet paper emergency?
Dean Winchester is in love with and this makes Castiel insanely jealous. This isn't really a secret but it is amusing enough to be note worthy.
Castiel has a very well hidden temper. No seriously. He smote a TV once when both of the Winchesters were gone. He blamed it on her. Elly is still a little mad about that and is still plotting her revenge which shall be epic.
She knows that the problem is that Castiel is learning to handle emotions from Dean Winchester, meaning he is learning to pretend they are not there at all. So when she flies down, still feeling triumphant from her win over Balthazar in the staring contest and finds Castiel punching a tree outside the motel the hunters are staying in while angrily accusing it of 'mocking him' in Enochian she knows she has to do something, like yesterday.
" Uhhh Cas? You do realize that trees are in capable of actual mockery, right?" She places a calming hand on her friends shoulder and when logic doesn't work she yanks the angel away.
" That tree is! The bastard is mocking me! It is the bane of my existence." Castiel huffs before plopping down onto the ground and glaring at the tree. Riiight...
" So is this trees name… Dean, maybe? If so does that mean you secretly wanna fuck the tree too?" Elly coos to her friend but is met with a glare, damn the guy has a good glare too.
"Right. I'll be back, wait here." Elly gives him a gentle pat before flying away to the nearest hardware store. She returns wielding the biggest most intimidating ax she can find and silently hands it to Cas. He looks at her confused until she begins to imitate chopping wood.
" Show that tree who's boss." She grins. To her utter joy, he actually does. First he removes all the branches he can and when he can't reach anymore branches he starts on the trunk. He is halfway through the trunk when she feels someone standing behind her. Sam Winchester is watching the whole thing with a concerned look on his face.
" What is Cas doing to that tree?"
" Making it his bitch."
" Uhh, why exactly?"
" It was mocking him, a man can only take so much lip from a tree Sam."
Sam seems to not be sure what to do about the situation, his eyes flicker to her chest and his cheeks color pink. When the tree falls over Elly is pleasantly surprised that Cas keeps chopping, swinging the axe down on the fallen tree.
Dean ventures out at this point and begins to cheer his boyfriend on enthusiastically.
" Dean, don't you want to know why Cas is murdering a tree?" Sam huffs in his girl voice.
Dean smiles, "Nha, it looks like he's having too much fun, besides it kinda hot."
The tree resembles kindling now and Castiel seems to be losing momentum, when he looks up and finally notices his audience he pauses. He throws down the axe, embedding it into the ground. He marches straight to Dean and gets so close that their noses are rubbing.
" No more fake doctor. We will fornicate now!" He growls, he is so passionate Dean doesn't even dare laugh at his use of the word 'fornicate,' he just excitedly follows Castiel into the motel room.
Elly feels like she accomplished a great deal today and is mentally patting her self on the back, She fixed her brothers anger problem, got Dean laid and won a staring contest. Yes, it did still count even though she had to flash the bastard to get him to look away. Sam is trying to not stare at her ass in her tight jeans and she smiles up at the hunter. She deserves a reward." Wanna go for a drink Sam? They're gonna be in there a while, believe me."
As Sam nods his agreement she begins to mentally check off all the things she learned from Becky's stories.