A/N: I felt I should contribute something to the wonderful world of Chuck fanfiction so I began writing. This is the result. It's AU, about Shaw and it involves some adult themes, torture and death. You have been warned.
I don't own Chuck, but I do own my crazy imagination and the grammatical errors I've made.
Shaw vs the worst day of his life
„Home, sweet home," Shaw said as he opened the door to his apartment. Two tall,bespectacled guys entered and looked around. One was dark-haired and a bit bald while the other had a huge blond afro. The blond one was carrying a huge box, while the darker one was carrying a camera. Shaw closed and locked the door behind them.
„Where's your girlfriend?" the darker of the duo asked.
„On a business trip," Shaw answered.
„Is she aware of your, how should I put it...double life?"
„I haven't told her yet. Although I'm sure she wouldn't mind. She would do practically anything to make me happy," Shaw bragged with a smug smirk.
The darker one smirked as well. „Reminds me of Henrietta."
„Well, Emmet, it looks like we're two very lucky guys." Shaw raised his fist to bump fists with Emmet, but when he noticed the latter had his hands full, he just awkwardly bumped fists with himself.
„Thank you for reminding me of my misery," the blonde guy said bitterly. He put the box down.
„Don't worry, Skip, I'll help you get a girlfriend. But first you'll need to gain some muscle. That's the prerequisite for wearing cool shirts such as this one," Shaw said and pointed to the tight shirt he was wearing.
„Listen to him carefully, Skip," Emmet said and put the camera on the box. „He can help you become a man who men admire and women desire."
„Men desire me too," Shaw pouted.
„That's true," Emmet said, grinning. „That's why we're here, aren't we?"
„I don't know about that," Skip said sceptically. „The masturbation video we filmed last month got only twenty downloads and the following four comments: boring, wtf, could someone please kill him and what's that wooden crap in the background."
„That's not crap!" Shaw yelled. „That's a wooden statue of me wearing nothing but a towel around my waist. I've carved it myself."
„Relax, Shaw," Emmet tried calming him down. „Some people are just too dumb to be able to appreciate your talent."
„But still, we better use a different room this time," Skip suggested.
„No, no, no. We'll do something entirely different this time," Emmet said with a mysterious grin on his face.
„I could demonstrate Kama Sutra," Shaw suggested. „I consider myself an expert."
„I had something way more kinky in mind," Emmet refused. He leaned closer to Shaw. „Are you ready?" he whispered.
„I was born ready," Shaw replied confidently.
„Lets go to the bedroom."
Shaw was lying with his back on the bed. Naked. His feet were tied to his hands while the latter were tied to the headboard. Duct tape was put over his mouth. The helplessness of the situation was something he wasn't used to. Fortunately, he was used to lack of clothing which calmed him down a bit.
After tying Shaw up, Emmet began fiddling with the camera. Skip was assembling different metal and plastic pieces from the box. When he finished it turned out to be something similar to a machine gun tripod. Shaw wondered if it was one of those cameras that capture people's personality. Skip put the machine on the bed near Shaw's butt.
„Camera is ready, so feel free to start," Emmet said.
Skip turned on the machine. Its pipe-shaped part began rapidly invading and exiting the part of Shaw's body which usually served as an exit for the smelly remains of his breakfast, lunch and dinner. Shaw certainly wasn't expecting this. It hurt as hell. He was screaming, but the duct tape was turning his screams into groans.
„God, I love technology," Emmet said, admiring the machine.
Shaw certainly wasn't expecting the pain and humiliation he was experiencing at the moment. Neither did he expect mysterious sounds from the hallway.
„Did you hear that?" Emmet asked.
„It's probably his girlfriend," Skip guessed.
„Isn't she supposed to be on a business trip?"
Skip shrugged.
„Go take a look," Emmet ordered, ignoring Shaw's muffled cries to turn the machine off. Skip left the room and returned a few seconds later in the company of a good-looking brunette. Her expression changed from confused to amused as she saw Shaw in his position.
„Wow, Dan, I didn't know your body was so flexible," she said as she approached the bed.
Shaw didn't know what to say. Even if he did, he couldn't due to the duct tape.
„Skip already introduced himself," she said, turning to Emmet. „And you are?"
„Emmet Millarge. The other half of the Skemmet Entertainment."
„Eve Howard." She noticed the camera in his hands. „You're shooting some sort of porn, aren't you?"
„Uhm..."
„Don't worry, I've seen weirder stuff around here," Eve said, smirking. „I bet you didn't know Dan studied the effects of different food on the taste of his semen?"
Shaw thought that was his secret. He had no idea how she found that out. Skip's face turned into a picture of disgust while Emmet sighed and said: „We should have filmed that."
„Well, I won't be bothering you for long," Eve said, turning again to Shaw. „I just need to tell Dan a few things."
A bunch of incomprehensible groans came out of Shaw's sealed mouth. It seemed he was trying to say something to his girlfriend.
„I don't understand what you're trying to say, Dan," she said. Her face lost the amusing expression as she leaned forward until her eyes were only a few inches from his. „And I don't care," she whispered. Shaw's eyes got wide. Did he hear correctly?
„It's over, Dan." Eve moved away and started pacing around the room. „I just can't do this anymore. I am so sick of you and your blank stares and your tight shirts and your stupid hobbies and..." For a while she kept pacing and listing what she hated about Shaw. Shaw kept groaning. Emmet kept filming. He was sure this unexpected incident would boost the downloads.
„I was really attracted to you when we first met. And I sincerely hoped there was something more to you than just the looks. But I found nothing. You were such a waste of time, Dan."
Shaw wished the machine torturing him was as loud as it was hurting him so he wouldn't hear all this. Furthermore, physical pain was now joined by the emotional one. He thought closing his eyes might change things for the better. It didn't.
„I'm going to start a new life with someone special," Eve said with a smile on her face. As she said that Shaw heard another person entering the room.
„Hey, sweetie," Eve greeted the newcomer. „I see you've slipped into your drinking pants."
„Sorry it took me so long," the newcomer apologized. Shaw heard a passionate kiss. He dared to open his eyes and couldn't believe what he saw. His beloved Evelyn was kissing that freak? He desperately tried to free himself but it seemed Emmet really knew his way around ropes.
„Dan, meet my new boyfriend. His name is Jeff and he was lost when we first met. You would never admit being lost, would you?"
Shaw kept groaning. What else could he do?
„Anyway, I drove him to his van, and he offered me a drink. I know you always considered yourself an expert on wine. Well, Jeff is an expert on any type of alcohol," Eve said proudly. „And he's a musician! I've actually joined his band."
„Jeffster became Jevester," Jeff explained.
„It's just never boring with him. He knows so many jokes, drinking games, and anecdotes. And he owns such a cute little ferret. You know how much I love animals."
Shaw never knew Eve liked animals. Or jokes for that matter.
„I think he is the one. I want him to be the father of my children." Eve looked lovingly at Jeff whose eyes lit up.
„Is there room in that womb for two?" he asked.
„We'll have to try and see," Eve replied seductively. They kissed again. Shaw was furious. And he couldn't do anything about it except groaning even louder.
Skip was furious as well. A guy who lost his girlfriend to this weirdo was going to give him tips on becoming a hot merchandise? And making fun of his physique on top of that? He reacted by shifting up a gear.
If Shaw thought he was suffering before, he was wrong. Now he could feel his inside being torn apart. The pain was unbearable. He was sure he was dying. If he could only see his wooden self for the last time. He screamed his last wish into the duct tape.
Then the machine exploded making parts of Daniel Shaw fly all around the bedroom. Everyone was standing still, shocked and their mouths open. Skip was the first one who regained composure.
„Mu-ha-ha," he said.