I Have My Moments
Summary: Rated for eventual Yaoi. (no lemons) Ritsu, along with the other Sohmas, are invited to Tohru's party. Everyone is inside the Shigure's house, but what is Ritsu doing outside? If you want to know his thoughts about the situation, read on! [deleted for editing]
something the narrator (in this case, Ritsu Sohma) is doing as he tells the story
Kaasan=mother
Gomen nasai=I apologize
Daijoubu=it's all right
Saru=monkey
That afternoon....
No one ever told me otherwise. I was worthless. I was simply a "nobody." Despite what Shigure-niisan and Tohru-san say about me, I still feel hopeless. Right now, I am outside Shigure's house looking through the window seeing that everyone (including Akito-sama) has gathered around to have a party to celebrate Tohru-san's visit from college during spring break.
It's not like I don't want to see her...um...I don't want to look into Akito's icy eyes, seeing my own worthless reflection staring back at me. It seemed like in everyone's eyes I was worthless... yes...I was that worthless child who wasn't good enough to be called a son (since people differentiate me from other boys) that had to go through life cross-dressing.
Gomen nasai... I'll try not to get too emotional...since...you know how other people hate that, but I can't help it that I'm shaking and on the verge of tears. I'm NOT as strong as Kyou-kun and Yuki-kun, not as smart as Hatori-niisan and not as confident as Ayame-san.
Ayame-san. I watched as the flamboyant snake danced with Tohru-san, seeming to have a great time while the others talked amongst themselves. Though Yuki-kun can't stand his effeminate looks and his loud, boastful attitude, Ayame doesn't seem to care too much about what others think. Ah, if I could only be like him...
...think how different life would be...
{loses himself in reverie for a moment}
{ snaps out of daydream} GOMEN NASAI!!! I'm sorry that I've lost myself in thought for a second there. I just can't help it! When I'm alone and I see that no one else is looking at me, I lose myself in thought. Like...um...one time when I first stayed over Shigure-niisan's house, I would be near the window, hunched over with a hand to my head, contemplating. I've always wondered why Shigure-niisan would invite me into his home when I am nothing but trouble to everyone. I've once asked him if I was going to be a burden if I've stayed at his house. He said yes and I started running frantically but I wasn't going anywhere. I found that he was grabbing my arm, preventing me from running out the door and telling me that he was just kidding. At the time, I wasn't angry. He really scared the shit out of me for a second there and it was not laughing matter.
Suddenly I heard slow, light footsteps coming around the corner, heading towards me. I've decided to turn and run away to hide somewhere in the forest. But before I could make a run for it-
"Ri-chan-san?" A familiar soft female voice called out to me. I turned around to see Tohru-san standing there looking at me in wonderment. "I've been wondering where you were. Why aren't you inside with the others?" I didn't know what to say at that moment. I didn't think she would notice with everyone else inside the house. I mean ... the place was crowded! Sure if it had just a few people then it would've been easy to notice.
One time, I've decided to make up for all the trouble I've caused, I had to remove my worthless existence from this earth. To do that, I used my saru's reflex to climb to the roof of Shigure-niisan's house. I stood on the roof praying, "Oh God, holy Jesus, please punish me!" All those wasted moments living and for what? Messing up and having others (most likely my parents) take the blame for what I did. The next thing I knew Tohru-san, along with Yuki-kun and Shigure-niisan were outside seeing that I was on the roof, ready to jump off and end my life right then and there. I told her I was sorry for not telling her I was a guy (When I met Tohru-san, she thought I was a woman, since I dressed and looked like one) all while Yuki- kun and Shigure-niisan looked at me as if I was crazy. "Why am I a total failure? Yes, that's right, I am so useless, and yet I am bold enough to continue living. I really hate that part of me. I am the most useless person! I'm not worthy to even exist! But I don't have enough courage to commit suicide!" I said sadly not able to understand why Tohru-san and Shigure would waste their time on someone as despicable as me.
Suddenly I snapped back to the reality of the situation here and now. Tohru-san is still regarding me. Then I spoke, "Sumimasen...it's just..." I wasn't sure if I wanted to mention my fear of Akito-sama but instead, "I was going to come in...." I trailed off. "Ri-chan-san, you wanna come in right now?" Tohru-san asked me. Obviously I was reluctant to go in. "Oh no...I couldn't! I don't want to be a burden to you all."
Then she did what was unexpected, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to the front door. "Come on. It'll be fun and there's some takoyaki with your name on it!" As soon as we were at the front door, she opened it...
"Ah...sumimasen...can we talk about this?" I asked Tohru-san, wanting her to loosen her grip so that I could make a run for it. The front door was already opened and she dragged me to the main room.
As soon as everyone saw us, everyone stopped talking and looked to us. Everyone, that is, except Kyou-kun who was on the floor with Kagura-san who was on his back (literally!). He yelled at her to get off his back while Kagura-san who seemingly had him pinned down was declaring her love for him. However their squabbling continued and was ignored. Then Yuki-kun decided to break the tension by sighing and rolling his eyes. "How is it that Honda-san always finds you?" I could sense some annoyance in his feminine voice.
"Should I leave?" I asked about to turn around but realized that Akito-sama was staring me down with his cold eyes. 'I knew this would happen!' I thought nervously.
"Oh so Ritsu is here?" I heard Akito-sama say, his glare fixed on me and a smirk on his face. I began to shake violently. I didn't say anything and the only words that came out was "Gomen nasai," before I purposely ran into Tohru-san and changed into my Jyunnishi form. Everyone else looked on in surprise as I ran out the room and went upstairs to Shigure-niisan's room to hide.
I know. I know. You would've probably found it disturbing to see a monkey walking around his room and jumping on the bed to reach his ceiling fan. The next thing I knew the door opened and Tohru-san came in carrying my kimono. She sat on Shigure-niisan's bed, not noticing that there was a monkey hanging from the ceiling fan. I panicked and jumped down. "Gomen nasai! I can't do anything right! I apologize to you, to the whole world." I said quickly, feeling ashamed.
"No...it's my fault. I shouldn't have forced you in that situation. I..." she managed to say before I transformed again—this time appearing completely naked. Tohru-san seemed to freak out by this since she's at the door, terrified by these strange turn of events. I quickly put my kimono on and as always, started apologizing and saying it was my fault that she had to see that....
'I guess kaasan never told me that Tohru-san was going to freak out after I changed from my Jyunnishi form,' I thought even after she seemed to have recovered from that event rather quickly. We sat on Shigure-niisan's bed in silence. Then I shyly asked her, "How are you doing in college?"
Tohru-san looked at me and said, "I'm doing fine, but I still think about Sohma-kun, Kyou-kun, and Shigure-san. I mean, I can't forget how they took me in even though I was considered an 'outsider.' All while she was talking, I thought about the years when I was in college. Throughout those years, I always thought that the world hated me. I'd never really thought about some of the living things that tolerated my existence. It just slipped my mind. "So I decided to go back here on spring break to see them, but when I got here, they were already throwing a party for me to celebrate my visit and invited the other Sohmas," she rambled on. "I was having a great time, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something or someone was missing...." Gomen nasai! I never thought that anyone would notice that I wasn't there. As I said before, the place was crowded. "So Ri-chan-san, why were you so scared when we went inside?"
Her question interrupted my thoughts and took me by surprise. I didn't know what to tell her. I was still wondering, 'Why does Akito-sama have to be her?!' I know that the Sohmas hate him, but I guess he decided to come on his own, since Hatori-niisan was invited. I heard that one time Tohru-san saw him in her high school. If that happened to me, I would've panicked and ran into the nearest girl and transformed into my Jyunnishi form for I am scared of him. Gomen nasai...now you know why I made a big scene in front of Tohru-san and the other Sohmas downstairs...I'm not even worthy of being in their presence!!! Yet Tohru-san bravely manages to be in Akito-sama's presence even though the risks are getting abused by him and having her memories erased!
"To tell you the truth, I still worry about what the other Sohmas think of me, but at the same time, remember what you've said to me. I'm not sure what to believe anymore." I paused looking at the floor. I still feel worthless! Just as I think that I'm going to feel better after my one encounter with Tohru-san, after a while, I start feeling more pathetic than before. Why? She's probably thinking that I'm hopeless, someone she can't help. "I've been wondering...why you, Shigure-niisan and Hatori-niisan would go through the trouble of helping me." I turned to look at Tohru-san who looked shocked...probably at how serious I looked when I said those things. "Sumimasen...maybe I shouldn't have told you this."
"Daijoubu," I heard a familiar sing-song voice from the door. I turned away from Tohru-san and saw Shigure-niisan at the doorway. He walked in and stood near Tohru-san and I. "Since everyone else downstairs was drunk from the spiked tea I served them and all of it was gone, I decided that it would be a good opportunity to see what was going on upstairs....Ritsu-kun, I overheard some of what you've been saying. I know you're still wondering why we'd even help you. The truth is that I couldn't give on you even when you seemed to have given up on yourself. I mean, I couldn't stand to see you in such pain." I was listening to him, but I couldn't help but feel tears streaming down my face. I didn't know why I was crying. I have dealt with so much...too much...to bear the burden of guilt I've been carrying since I was younger. I was embarrassed to cry in front of two people who seemed to have my back in any situation. "Gomen...nasai," I said between sobs.
I was about to cover my face with my hands but somehow I felt a hand lift my chin and now I'm staring into Shigure-niisan's eyes. I began to lose myself in his stare like I'm in some dream only real. I imagined us surrounded by white light and Tohru-san has disappeared from the room. Time began to slow down a bit and it seemed like eternity since we stood like this, staring into each others' eyes and forgetting that there were other people in the world besides us.
"Ritsu-kun, I know you still think that you're not like the other Sohmas, but some of us love and care about you anyway. Ever since I saw you when you were younger, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I dunno, there was something about you...something about you that I had found so endearing. Sure you're clumsy, shy, nervous, and times uncontrollably hysterical..." I was about to apologize but he put a finger to my mouth. "But that doesn't really matter. What I am trying to say is that I want you to find something good about yourself, too. I believe in you."
As soon as he took his finger off my mouth, I shyly asked, "Ah... sumimasen... you're not just saying that?" Then I giggled saying, "I asked such a silly question." I felt his face getting closer to mine and he sealed my mouth off with a kiss...
We both snapped back to reality realizing that Tohru-san was in the room the whole time watching us. I mean, you could've seen the three of us...faces that were beet red with embarrassment. {Giggles}
The three of us then walked out of the room and went downstairs to the main room. We all saw that everyone else was sleeping close to each other, completely wasted. I looked to Akito-sama, who was sleeping in between Hatori-niisan and Yuki-kun and I saw that he was looked a lot more peaceful sleeping than he did when he was awake. He didn't look scary, cruel, and irritable anymore. He seemed...well...normal...just like us.... {Akito: I heard that! Ritsu: Eeeep! (Starts running and Akito chases him around the place) Ritsu: AKITO-SAMA!!! GOMEN NASAI! I DIDN'T MEAN TO...I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WHOLE WORLD! Akito: Maybe now you'll learn to really fear me! (Ritsu is cowering in a corner and Akito approaches him, but Shigure and Ayame stood in front of him before he could get close to the saru.) Akito: GET OUT OF MY WAY!!! Shigure/ Ayame: No! Leave now! Akito (looking really angry and pointing a finger at both of them): I knew that girl, Tohru-san, had something to do with this! She...she's been planning to turn you all against me after all! You all will pay for this! Just because Hatori refuses to erase her memories the first time doesn't mean that that will happen next time! (Then runs away laughing maniacally while the three looked on sweat dropping)}
Sorry about that! Now you know why the other Sohmas fear him. 'Note to self: You better watch what you say or do around him! But luckily, Ayame- san and Shigure-niisan saved me!' {Gushes with pride then shudders when he sees that Akito is glaring at him through the window}
Anyway...It was dark outside when I said goodbye to Tohru-san and Shigure-niisan. I walked from the house feeling good, knowing that the burden will be lifted off me someday.
Later I met my kaasan at the hot springs. There were no customers during this time of night, but there was a lighted area near one of the hot springs outside. Kaasan was relaxing in one as I approached her. When I was certain that I was in her line of view, I stopped and knelt down in front of the hot spring. "Ritsu?"
"Yes...kaasan?"
She stood up and went towards me. "I missed you so much!" Kaasan started hugging me very tightly, but soon she lost her balance and started falling backwards, taking me with her. We emerged from the hot spring, both soaking wet and gasping for air. "Oh my child! Are you okay? I shouldn't have done that! I will apologize to you, to the whole world!"
"No it's my fault! I shouldn't have showed my presence around her! Gomen nasai!"
"No it's my fault! If there is one person who should be ashamed, it's me! I'm the one who should be sorry!"
During some point in our apologize-scream fight, I started laughing. I mean, when you look at the situation at a distance, it seems silly that both of us were apologizing. I guess Yuki-kun was right. I do take after kaasan. "Ritsu, why are you laughing?" she finally asked.
"We'd never really apologize to each other like that before," I said still laughing. "I guess we're so busy apologizing to the other Sohmas I never knew how silly it was." Then I started splashing kaasan and she started laughing and splashing me back. We made such a ridiculous scene of splashing and laughing but we didn't care. There was nobody else there but us.
A while later, we sat in the hot spring together, looking at the full moon. We were both silent for a moment, break the silence by saying, "I'm glad I've met Tohru-san. I don't know what my life would be without her."
"I'm happy for you too," kaasan agreed looking to me happily. "I love you."
"I love you too, kaasan," I said hugging her.
In the end, despite what I've been through, I know I still have my moments.
-Owari-