I wanted him to be that boy.
It wasn't like I had wanted him to bail on our plans, but since he had, I wanted him to be the boy from the stories. The boy who would leave you behind, and just when you started to lose hope, he would show up... and you would fall in love. But then I guess there were a few problems with that.
I already loved him, and I couldn't lose hope. Because I wanted him to be there so badly, I believed that he would be, and he'd never let me down before. I sat on the bench in front of the restaurant, smiling like an idiot, just waiting for him to walk up and have some crazy outrageous excuse for being late.
But he didn't, and he never showed.
And somehow, something had told me that he wouldn't.
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I was trying to be that boy.
I tried so hard to get there on time, but I couldn't. Something came up, and I really couldn't leave. The second that I had the chance, I ran as fast as I could to the restaurant, even knowing that it was too late.
When I got there, I asked the guy who was locking up. He said she was there, forever, it seemed. Just sitting, smiling, waiting. And that was it. I couldn't have made things any worse. I started to drag myself home, or wherever my feet moved me first. She probably didn't even want to know, she probably didn't even care anymore.
I loved her, but I let her down.
And something had told me that I would.
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How long did I wait for him?
Not just at the restaurant, I mean. I'd been waiting... for years. And maybe the reason that he'd never let me down, was because he'd never helped me up. I waited, and I waited. Always smiling for him, always the idiot. Never the girl.
Why didn't he notice? That I'd loved him for so long? And why didn't he love me back? I had so many questions that needed to be answered, yet... none of them could be asked. But it didn't matter, he didn't care. If he did, he wouldn't have left me, and now, I had to leave him. I had to be done with it. I couldn't wait anymore.
I was giving up on the one dream I'd had forever.
I decided not to love him anymore.
---
How long had I kept her waiting?
I knew she didn't love me like I loved her, but it was obvious that we could have had something. I had always tried to wait for her... to be ready... to love me, but I had waited too long without telling her how I felt.
If I loved her... why didn't I try? She was giving up on me, I knew it. I had that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and it pained me just to think about it. She was giving up on me before we had ever even gotten started. I walked a little bit faster, not paying any attention to the destination at hand. Not paying attention to what I lived.
Can a dreamer's dreams come true?
My only dream... was you.
---
Passing memories without looking back.
Digging out my closet, I tried to find every little thing he'd ever given me, or anything I had gotten when I was with him. I was sad, but angry. I wanted him out of my life. Gone, like he was today.
I almost wanted him to see me, throwing out all our old memories, but I knew him, and I knew he'd just laugh, or else help me rid myself of his existence. He would say goodbye, and he would leave. He didn't love me, and he wouldn't mind. If he had seen me then, it would have hurt me more. The thought of hurting him destroyed me, but thinking he wouldn't care... was murder.
I needed one or the other.
Is love, or his absence.
---
Why did I come here?
Was this the destination I had been trying to reach? I stood in front of her house, cold of the night and cold of the heart. I walked up to the door I had stood at so many times before, and I hesitated in ringing the bell.
I heard someone running down the stairs, and they answered the door. She looked like she had been crying, but her deep blue eyes showed no sign of sadness. They were angry, and she stared right at me, branding her hatred into my heart. And I knew that I was right in my thoughts from earlier.
She wanted me gone.
And she wanted it, now.
---
The hearts true desire isn't recognized until the false appears.
I slammed the door in his face, but didn't move from the spot. I wanted him to leave, but something in me couldn't release the doorknob. I tried, but my hand was trembling, and it wouldn't budge.
Part of me still wanted that boy. And I couldn't overtake it. It was all I could do to keep myself from flinging the door open and facing him with my anger. I knew that I should tell him how mad I was, and how he broke my heart, but I knew it would hurt him more if I didn't tell him at all. The only problem was...
It was hurting me, too.
And I was through waiting for him.
---
It couldn't have ended.
I just waited, until finally, she opened the door. And slapped me. I knew I deserved it, so I didn't do anything, but I was surprised that she was this mad at me for blowing off a date. She didn't feel the way I felt, but she felt the pain I had inflicted.
I was confused, and she yelled at me. She screamed that she hated me, and she wanted me to leave, and never come back. She wanted me to take back all of the things I had ever given her, and if I didn't, she would throw them away. I had never really seen her this mad about anything before.
And I never wanted to, again.
But I might not get the chance.
---
But did I still love him?
And it was clear in my heart that I did, but I couldn't say it. I continued to scream at him, releasing all my anger, and knowing that I meant nothing of it. He just stood there, listening, and he almost smiled.
He wanted me gone? When I thought I wanted him out of my life, I couldn't really bring myself to believe it, but through all of this, all the yelling, and the pain, he found the heart to smile? And so it became obvious that he didn't love me, and never would. He wanted me out of his life, like I wanted to believe I wanted him out of mine.
But I couldn't...
Even when he did.
---
They say it's easier to cry when you're laughing.
And it was. But none of this was funny, so I could only smile. She paused, and slapped me again, now forming tears of her own. I didn't let her see my eyes, but I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter whether or not she saw me cry.
She wanted me to leave her. I couldn't bring myself to it, though, and I had to hug her instead. I don't know exactly why I did it, it just happened. I hugged her to stop her pain, to stop her crying, to stop her anger. I hugged her to release my love, in hopes that she might somehow gather it, and love me. I hugged her... to finally hold her in my arms.
And I held her...
And I said it.
---
And what was there to do.. But freeze?
Those three words... The three I had sheltered for so long. But it didn't make sense, and so I couldn't believe him... and yet somehow I knew it was true. And in an instant, he became that boy.
It was all just like the stories I had heard. He hurt me, and I hated him, but he loved me? And something between us made it alright. I love him, too, and I wanted to tell him, but not just yet. To feel his arms around me, simply waiting for that response. Waiting for... something in return to his feelings.
He had spilled,
Now it was my turn.
---
I smiled for the first time all day...
When she told me she loved me. It was real, and it was right. All there was... was all there needed to be. Two people, and two hearts. And then... there was everything more. I felt as if I had finally gathered myself up... to become that boy...
I let go of her, the girl I loved, and I kissed her, and she kissed me back. It was simple, but it was better than any fairytale kiss. She was the princess, and I was her prince, but it was better, and we didn't need the crowns. Love was enough, for me. For her. For us. I had never asked for anything more, and I had finally gotten her heart.
I loved her.
And forever I will.
---
When finally my waiting ended...
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Our story began...