Ugandan summers were miserable with a capital M.
The heat soared into the triple digits and the Mormon missionaries of District 9 dragged themselves around woefully. Their temple garments were wet and sticky and they had all loosened their ties in an attempt to cool off their necks.
Because it was Wednesday, that meant that one set of companions would get to go to the market for supplies and anything else they saw fit to buy. It wasn't uncommon for Elders to bring back board games or books to entertain everyone with.
"C'mon guys! It's time to see who gets to go to the market." Elder Connor McKinley called from the living room. As district leader, he had decided that the most efficient way of doling out this privilege would be drawing names from a hat.
Connor held his sparkly red top hat (that he owns for reasons undisclosed) out in front of him as his Elders walked by and dropped their names into it.
When everyone's name was in the hat, Connor shook it around and covered his eyes before drawing out a slip of paper.
"Elder Neeley and Elder Zelder!" He exclaimed.
The other Elders sighed as Neeley and Zelder high-fived one another triumphantly.
On their way out the door, the winners were bombarded with reminders and requests.
Elder Schrader grabbed Neeley by his tie and looked him straight in the eyes. "Do. Not. Forget. The. Bottled. Water." He said firmly, almost pleadingly. Connor intervened, freeing Neeley of Schrader's death grip. "They have a list, they'll get everything we need." He assured the remaining missionaries.
The Elders of District 9 watched Neeley and Zelder walk away like heroes going into a war-torn landscape to find food for their battalion.
While they waited for their supplies, Connor tried to get the missionaries to lighten up. Mafala was bringing by some of his friends for consultations later and Connor didn't want a bunch of cranky Mormons interacting with potential converts.
"Hey guys let's play a game!" Connor exclaimed. He was met by a chorus of groans.
"No offense Elder McKinley, but your games suck." Elder Church said, voicing the group's collective opinion.
"They do not! C'mon, I'll start! I'm going on a picnic and I'm bringing... Apples! Now Elder Price you say something that starts with the letter B."
Elder Price was laying in the dirt on his stomach, his face pressed onto the ground. Slowly he raised his head and glared at Connor. "Bees."
"But we're going on a picnic, you don't bring-"
"Bees, Elder McKinley. I'm bringing bees."
Connor sighed. "Okay, apples and bees. Elder Poptarts, your turn."
"I'm bringing Connor McKinley."
"Okay then, Elder Michaels?"
"I'm not going to the picnic, skip my turn."
Connor stood up. "Okay that's it! What do you guys want to do then?"
Nobody responded, but little Elder Poptarts collapsed face-first into the grass.
"I want to go swimming." Elder Schrader whined.
"Well we can't." Connor said stiffly.
"Why not, we've got like twelve little ponds out back for baptisms." Elder Price said.
Elder Church added his opinion. "I'm sure Heavenly Father won't mind us skinny dipping in holy baptismal waters." He said sarcastically.
"Nobody said anything about skinny dipping, Church." Elder Price retorted.
"I'm sorry, do you have a bathing suit?"
Elder Price quieted, Church having made his point.
Connor was practically fuming now. "Kevin, James, quit bickering! That isn't helping!" He shouted; addressing his missionaries by their first names always showed that he meant business.
A few hours later, Neeley and Zelder returned, weighed down with crates and bags.
A parade of Elders followed them inside and they set down their treasure.
"Chris!" Zelder shouted, getting the boy's attention. He tossed a box of Poptarts to him and Chris beamed.
Schrader attacked the box of water bottles viciously, tearing it open and drinking an entire bottle in one go.
"Everyone gather around, we've got a surprise." Elder Neeley said, holding a large box in front of him. The other missionaries gave him their full attention. Neeley opened the box to reveal water guns of various sizes. "First come first serve, Zelder and I filled them all up already."
Before anyone could react, Kevin Price shouldered through the crowd and grabbed the largest water gun, a Super Soaker.
Elder Michaels smiled excitedly. "Now this is a game I can get on board with!"
Connor watched in horror as his group of holy men armed themselves with a plastic arsenal. "No, we can't play with these. They're weapons, Heavenly Father won't be pleased!" He cried.
Elder Price answered by aiming his "weapon" directly at Connor's face and squirting him with the gross river water. Connor shuddered and spit out the water that had gotten in his mouth.
"Elder McKinley, if Heavenly Father didn't want us to play with these he wouldn't have made it so hot today." Elder Poptarts said.
"Bullpoop! That is complete bullpoop! You guys know that's not how it works!"
Everyone ignored the disgruntled district leader and proceeded outside to battle. Connor saw a water gun sitting in the box still.
He stared at it for awhile, feeling sweat drip down his back.
"What the hell, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." He said with a shrug, grabbing the water gun and running outside.
Now Connor McKinley had never been one to brag, but he totally dominated that water gun fight, although Kevin Price would beg to differ.
Later that afternoon, Mafala Hatimbi arrived with his friends. The entire walk to the mission hut, he had told them how serious and well-behaved the white boys were. When they arrived, the scene before them was not what they expected.
Church and Michaels were wrestling in the muddy puddle that had formed outside the mission hut. Elder Poptarts had removed his shirt and had a tie around his head like a bandana. Elder McKinley and Elder Price were ducking behind rocks and trees, engaging in a standoff.
Mafala cleared his throat loudly and Connor looked over at him in a mixture of shame and horror.
"Maybe, we'll come back." Mafala said, leading his friends away awkwardly.
The missionaries stood in the mud and watched them go. They attempted to feel ashamed, but it was just too damn hot.
"We're so getting hell dreams for this." Elder Poptarts said.
Everyone silently agreed.
Kevin Price spoke up: "Best two out of three?"
There was silence, then, the battle continued.