Part I
The black night engulfed her body. There was no moon here to shed it's cool serene light upon her. No, that's right there no moon, only stars. But what good were stars alone? Why could they not decorate the night sky to make it perfect? Why was it only when the moon was in sight that the whole picture seemed to come together?
There were no limits to the depths that her heart sank to. The longing and agony were becoming all too much for her now a days. To forget her. That's what everyone told her to do. But she didn't want to. If she forgot her that would be the same as saying that she never loved her. And she would rather have died a thousand times than to never have loved her once. She didn't expect anyone to understand.
What would become of her now? Was she really doomed to live the rest of her life with a broken heart? Was there anything she could really do about it?
Her thoughts were loud and clouding her head. She tried to push them away to clear her mind, but her face was burned into her mind. Then when all of the confusion stopped and only her face could be seen she noticed just how quite the night really was. There was not a soul around. She had purposely come here for that reason. She hadn't wanted anyone to see her cry. And why was she crying?
Was it because she had seen an angel and couldn't keep her? Was it because she finally had that burning inside her and how the person who could tame the fire was gone? Or was she crying because she never had a chance?
Maybe it was some of all three. She felt betrayed by her heart. Why had it let her fall in love? And if it was finally ready to love some one why did it have to be her? Was there really anyone else? No. She never would have fallen in love for the rest of her existence if she had never met Usagi.
What was stopping her from being with her Odango? Oh yeah, her Odango didn't love her, at least not the way she wanted her to.
'Am I just going to sit here and waste my life? I can't continue on like this.' But somehow the solitude and the tears felt right. Being alone. You can't get hurt being alone. But you also can't know the joys of being in love if you're alone.
'I need it. I need to feel it. I can't live without her light. I will find her, and this time I won't let her go... What am I thinking?' She knew that she didn't return her love. Once again her hope died out and the darkness took over.
The breeze was soft on her skin and the sun shone its pleasant rays down upon her. A perfect serene moment in time. A few stray hairs would occasionally cross her face with the movement of the wind. She was alone as she had been often lately. With no battles to fight and no one to save Usagi had all the time that she would ever need.
What was this emptiness that she felt though? She had everything that she could have ever possibly dreamed for and her dream was about to come true in the near future. Why was she feeling this way? A thought of Mamoru crossed her mind as the problem revealed itself.
Unsatisfied, that was a way to put it. She remembered how she had asked him how he loved her and he told her that if just felt good to be with her. This made her start to think. 'Why do I love him?'
She thought back on all the times that she had just looked over at him and thought about how much she did love him and the feeling that she would have flowing through her body. The feeling, that is what she was in love with. She loved him because he could make her feel this way. Her heart would get excited and a wonderful electricity would surge through her body. The adrenaline mixed with fear and love would be all that she would need to live off of for the rest of her existence.
It was gone now. If it faded could it have been love? If you were truly in love with some one it couldn't just fade, right? Maybe it was just the newness of it wearing off, maybe they were falling into a comfortable habit. That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted that feeling back.
'I want that feeling to stay with me for the rest of my life.' She thought to herself as a smile crossed her features. If Mamoru couldn't give that to her then perhaps they weren't in love and she shouldn't be with him.
That was impossible though. She knew her future and she knew what she had to do. It was nice to live in these daydreams though. When she was by herself and thinking of her 'what ifs' that was when she could be free to be just Usagi and not be tied down by the memories of a past life or a future one.
The chains of destiny bound her to Mamoru. Her heart could never be free. What if it could have been? Who would she love? How could she ever explain her past life to some one that only knows the nine to five routine of an everyday life?
She had seen more danger, excitement, love and loss than any other human being on this planet. What would they have to offer her? Or maybe that's what she needed, simple. No.
She was a senshi and therefore knew that it was her duty to follow through with her destiny for the benefit of the entire world. Her suffering would be rewarded in the lives of her people that lived on around her. Only one should have to suffer for the rest.
You can't save everyone. Her gaze moved over the landscape. She had once believed that she could save everyone, no more. When she couldn't even save herself she knew it wasn't true. A beautiful butterfly was caught in a spider's web and she saw the spider approaching it. She thought that she wanted to save them both.
If she took the butterfly out of the net the spider would be hungry. Either way one of these two creatures is going to suffer. It is ok that they suffer just not when she is watching. How could she choose who was going to live and who would be left behind to die? She couldn't, she couldn't just save the beautiful all of the time.
To pick the road with the least amount of suffering, that was the way to go in life and this only reinforced her thought of her bleak future.
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"Where have you been going off to?" Healer called after Fighter who was walking down the hall to her room. She had been disappearing a lot lately now that they were done with the reconstruction of their planet.
Fighter didn't turn or acknowledge that Healer had just been speaking to her but instead kept her pace and continued to walk on her way.
Healer huffed and heard some one come up behind her. She turned around to see who it was. "You should lay off of her for a while. She's trying very hard, don't discourage her." Maker stated calmly.
"Does she think she's the only one with problems around here?" Healer threw her hands up in the air. She calmed and her features softened. "Although, she has been acting a lot better." She smiled at her taller companion and then turned back to watch the direction that Fighter had just walked off in.
"She's been spending a lot of time by herself lately, perhaps sorting out her feelings. Thoughts can be dangerous though, we have to make sure that she doesn't escape reality and begin living for her fantasy world." Maker began as she started walking away.
"What do you mean?" Healer asked as she began to follow her. They were heading in the opposite direction than Fighter. "Why would she want to escape reality?"
"Think about it, if you don't want to be somewhere you leave right? Well what if Fighter didn't want to deal with reality, the world where she couldn't be with the one that she loved. She would try to escape and create a world where she could." Maker realized that she had lost Healer and felt the need to clarify herself. "All I'm saying is that I don't want to lose Fighter to her imagination. La la land is not her home this is."
Using this terminology Healer understood what she was trying to say and nodded in agreement. They would have to start paying attention to Fighter and not letting her be alone as often. Healer would also have to curb her habit of making nasty comments towards her.
Rei observed the blond on the grass a few yards in front of her. She noticed how distant she had become lately. She would never approach her about it though. Hadn't she had been through enough already? She walked over to her where she was sitting.
Usagi heard some one coming up behind her but passed it off as just some one walking through the park and didn't bother to turn around.
"Usagi." Rei spoke up when she saw that Usagi hadn't noticed her approaching. "What's going on?" She sat down next to her with a smile.
"Nothing, what are you doing here?" She smiled back. Rei had always been one of her very best friends. Even though they were the best of friends, Usagi still felt timid telling her certain things. What she had just been thinking about her life was one of them.
"I was just walking around, getting some fresh air. I ran into Mamoru and Motoki a while back. Were they coming to meet you?" She asked for no particular reason. She had noticed that Usagi didn't talk about Mamoru as much as she had before. Although Usagi showed no feelings towards the matter in front of Rei she knew that there was something going on in her head.
Usagi looked out among the people walking about. "No, they aren't coming to meet me. I don't even think they know that I'm here."
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Rei asked, the question seeming to come out of nowhere.
"No, why would you say that?" Usagi gave her a sharp look.
"I don't know, you just seem to like to be by yourself lately and I feel like your shutting me out." Rei held her knees up close to her chest as she rested her chin on top of them.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I've just had some things on my mind lately. It's nothing really important but they're just things that I can't ignore. You know what I mean?" Usagi tried her best to explain her situation to her without telling her exactly what she was thinking.
"Oi, Kitten!" Haruka waved as she approached the two girls. They waved back at her when they recognized her voice. "Kitten, I just saw Mamoru and he said he was waiting for you to go on your date. Did you forget?"
Usagi looked down at her watch and realized what time it was. "Oh my gosh. he's going to be steamed!" She got up racing off towards the spot where she was supposed to meet him.
"Will she ever be on time?" Haruka shook her head. Rei seemed to be puzzled by something. "What?" Haruka asked as she sat down next to the black haired girl.
"Nothing." Rei shook her head coming out of her daze. "It's just that I just mentioned seeing Mamoru and she didn't even remember that she had a date with him. Do you think they are growing apart?"
The question was blunt and the kind that Haruka knew she couldn't side step her way around. "I don't know what's going on, but I know she has something on her mind. I know you've realized it too. You watch her as much as I do and I'm sure you think of her as much too."
Rei was a bit put of by the smile Haruka was passing her. Was she suggesting that Rei thought of Usagi in a more than friendly way? Rei didn't deny it.
Frustration hit once again. Fighter made her way to the outskirts of the city to go to her usual spot. This was her time to be alone and this was her place to do it. The outlying grounds that surrounded the city were at a lower level than the city and the palace. Within the city limits all of the buildings, streets and other structures were built up on what seemed to be a delta.
There were tunnels that burrowed under the delta. They were never told what these tunnels were for so they just assumed that they were mines or ventilation for the sewers of the city. It was near these tunnels that Fighter liked to sit.
Why couldn't they just leave her alone to live in peace? She hated the distractions of her life. To be alone with her thoughts, that's all that she needed. Would that be like giving up on her life or living it the way that she wanted to?
It was always peaceful and quite here. No one knew of this spot or that she often ventured there. For some reason the air here felt as desperate as she felt which gave her a sense of comfort. Something else was as pathetic as she was. She was weak and couldn't do anything about it. She had never been weak before and now she couldn't handle it.
Fighter picked up a stick and some rocks. She began swinging the stick like it was a baseball bat. She would take her frustrations out on these innocent rocks. She began slamming the rocks with every loud crack of the rock against the wood a new thought would make it's way into her head as she watched the object disappear down the dark tunnel.
Crack. Will I ever see her again?
Crack. Will I ever love again?
Crack. What will I become?
Crack. How can I go on?
Crack. How can I leave this pathetic life?
With her last rock and thought she felt a wave of hatred pass over her. There seemed to be an ocean of energy flooding out of the tunnel she had just been hitting rocks down. She tried to move but couldn't. She saw nothing but felt everything.
Then just as suddenly as it began it stopped. Not waiting around to find out what it was or if it would wash over her again Fighter took off towards the palace. She glanced occasionally to see if anything was following her. When she peered back she saw nothing but the space that she had just left behind.
The black night engulfed her body. There was no moon here to shed it's cool serene light upon her. No, that's right there no moon, only stars. But what good were stars alone? Why could they not decorate the night sky to make it perfect? Why was it only when the moon was in sight that the whole picture seemed to come together?
There were no limits to the depths that her heart sank to. The longing and agony were becoming all too much for her now a days. To forget her. That's what everyone told her to do. But she didn't want to. If she forgot her that would be the same as saying that she never loved her. And she would rather have died a thousand times than to never have loved her once. She didn't expect anyone to understand.
What would become of her now? Was she really doomed to live the rest of her life with a broken heart? Was there anything she could really do about it?
Her thoughts were loud and clouding her head. She tried to push them away to clear her mind, but her face was burned into her mind. Then when all of the confusion stopped and only her face could be seen she noticed just how quite the night really was. There was not a soul around. She had purposely come here for that reason. She hadn't wanted anyone to see her cry. And why was she crying?
Was it because she had seen an angel and couldn't keep her? Was it because she finally had that burning inside her and how the person who could tame the fire was gone? Or was she crying because she never had a chance?
Maybe it was some of all three. She felt betrayed by her heart. Why had it let her fall in love? And if it was finally ready to love some one why did it have to be her? Was there really anyone else? No. She never would have fallen in love for the rest of her existence if she had never met Usagi.
What was stopping her from being with her Odango? Oh yeah, her Odango didn't love her, at least not the way she wanted her to.
'Am I just going to sit here and waste my life? I can't continue on like this.' But somehow the solitude and the tears felt right. Being alone. You can't get hurt being alone. But you also can't know the joys of being in love if you're alone.
'I need it. I need to feel it. I can't live without her light. I will find her, and this time I won't let her go... What am I thinking?' She knew that she didn't return her love. Once again her hope died out and the darkness took over.
The breeze was soft on her skin and the sun shone its pleasant rays down upon her. A perfect serene moment in time. A few stray hairs would occasionally cross her face with the movement of the wind. She was alone as she had been often lately. With no battles to fight and no one to save Usagi had all the time that she would ever need.
What was this emptiness that she felt though? She had everything that she could have ever possibly dreamed for and her dream was about to come true in the near future. Why was she feeling this way? A thought of Mamoru crossed her mind as the problem revealed itself.
Unsatisfied, that was a way to put it. She remembered how she had asked him how he loved her and he told her that if just felt good to be with her. This made her start to think. 'Why do I love him?'
She thought back on all the times that she had just looked over at him and thought about how much she did love him and the feeling that she would have flowing through her body. The feeling, that is what she was in love with. She loved him because he could make her feel this way. Her heart would get excited and a wonderful electricity would surge through her body. The adrenaline mixed with fear and love would be all that she would need to live off of for the rest of her existence.
It was gone now. If it faded could it have been love? If you were truly in love with some one it couldn't just fade, right? Maybe it was just the newness of it wearing off, maybe they were falling into a comfortable habit. That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted that feeling back.
'I want that feeling to stay with me for the rest of my life.' She thought to herself as a smile crossed her features. If Mamoru couldn't give that to her then perhaps they weren't in love and she shouldn't be with him.
That was impossible though. She knew her future and she knew what she had to do. It was nice to live in these daydreams though. When she was by herself and thinking of her 'what ifs' that was when she could be free to be just Usagi and not be tied down by the memories of a past life or a future one.
The chains of destiny bound her to Mamoru. Her heart could never be free. What if it could have been? Who would she love? How could she ever explain her past life to some one that only knows the nine to five routine of an everyday life?
She had seen more danger, excitement, love and loss than any other human being on this planet. What would they have to offer her? Or maybe that's what she needed, simple. No.
She was a senshi and therefore knew that it was her duty to follow through with her destiny for the benefit of the entire world. Her suffering would be rewarded in the lives of her people that lived on around her. Only one should have to suffer for the rest.
You can't save everyone. Her gaze moved over the landscape. She had once believed that she could save everyone, no more. When she couldn't even save herself she knew it wasn't true. A beautiful butterfly was caught in a spider's web and she saw the spider approaching it. She thought that she wanted to save them both.
If she took the butterfly out of the net the spider would be hungry. Either way one of these two creatures is going to suffer. It is ok that they suffer just not when she is watching. How could she choose who was going to live and who would be left behind to die? She couldn't, she couldn't just save the beautiful all of the time.
To pick the road with the least amount of suffering, that was the way to go in life and this only reinforced her thought of her bleak future.
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"Where have you been going off to?" Healer called after Fighter who was walking down the hall to her room. She had been disappearing a lot lately now that they were done with the reconstruction of their planet.
Fighter didn't turn or acknowledge that Healer had just been speaking to her but instead kept her pace and continued to walk on her way.
Healer huffed and heard some one come up behind her. She turned around to see who it was. "You should lay off of her for a while. She's trying very hard, don't discourage her." Maker stated calmly.
"Does she think she's the only one with problems around here?" Healer threw her hands up in the air. She calmed and her features softened. "Although, she has been acting a lot better." She smiled at her taller companion and then turned back to watch the direction that Fighter had just walked off in.
"She's been spending a lot of time by herself lately, perhaps sorting out her feelings. Thoughts can be dangerous though, we have to make sure that she doesn't escape reality and begin living for her fantasy world." Maker began as she started walking away.
"What do you mean?" Healer asked as she began to follow her. They were heading in the opposite direction than Fighter. "Why would she want to escape reality?"
"Think about it, if you don't want to be somewhere you leave right? Well what if Fighter didn't want to deal with reality, the world where she couldn't be with the one that she loved. She would try to escape and create a world where she could." Maker realized that she had lost Healer and felt the need to clarify herself. "All I'm saying is that I don't want to lose Fighter to her imagination. La la land is not her home this is."
Using this terminology Healer understood what she was trying to say and nodded in agreement. They would have to start paying attention to Fighter and not letting her be alone as often. Healer would also have to curb her habit of making nasty comments towards her.
Rei observed the blond on the grass a few yards in front of her. She noticed how distant she had become lately. She would never approach her about it though. Hadn't she had been through enough already? She walked over to her where she was sitting.
Usagi heard some one coming up behind her but passed it off as just some one walking through the park and didn't bother to turn around.
"Usagi." Rei spoke up when she saw that Usagi hadn't noticed her approaching. "What's going on?" She sat down next to her with a smile.
"Nothing, what are you doing here?" She smiled back. Rei had always been one of her very best friends. Even though they were the best of friends, Usagi still felt timid telling her certain things. What she had just been thinking about her life was one of them.
"I was just walking around, getting some fresh air. I ran into Mamoru and Motoki a while back. Were they coming to meet you?" She asked for no particular reason. She had noticed that Usagi didn't talk about Mamoru as much as she had before. Although Usagi showed no feelings towards the matter in front of Rei she knew that there was something going on in her head.
Usagi looked out among the people walking about. "No, they aren't coming to meet me. I don't even think they know that I'm here."
"Do you want me to leave you alone?" Rei asked, the question seeming to come out of nowhere.
"No, why would you say that?" Usagi gave her a sharp look.
"I don't know, you just seem to like to be by yourself lately and I feel like your shutting me out." Rei held her knees up close to her chest as she rested her chin on top of them.
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to. I've just had some things on my mind lately. It's nothing really important but they're just things that I can't ignore. You know what I mean?" Usagi tried her best to explain her situation to her without telling her exactly what she was thinking.
"Oi, Kitten!" Haruka waved as she approached the two girls. They waved back at her when they recognized her voice. "Kitten, I just saw Mamoru and he said he was waiting for you to go on your date. Did you forget?"
Usagi looked down at her watch and realized what time it was. "Oh my gosh. he's going to be steamed!" She got up racing off towards the spot where she was supposed to meet him.
"Will she ever be on time?" Haruka shook her head. Rei seemed to be puzzled by something. "What?" Haruka asked as she sat down next to the black haired girl.
"Nothing." Rei shook her head coming out of her daze. "It's just that I just mentioned seeing Mamoru and she didn't even remember that she had a date with him. Do you think they are growing apart?"
The question was blunt and the kind that Haruka knew she couldn't side step her way around. "I don't know what's going on, but I know she has something on her mind. I know you've realized it too. You watch her as much as I do and I'm sure you think of her as much too."
Rei was a bit put of by the smile Haruka was passing her. Was she suggesting that Rei thought of Usagi in a more than friendly way? Rei didn't deny it.
Frustration hit once again. Fighter made her way to the outskirts of the city to go to her usual spot. This was her time to be alone and this was her place to do it. The outlying grounds that surrounded the city were at a lower level than the city and the palace. Within the city limits all of the buildings, streets and other structures were built up on what seemed to be a delta.
There were tunnels that burrowed under the delta. They were never told what these tunnels were for so they just assumed that they were mines or ventilation for the sewers of the city. It was near these tunnels that Fighter liked to sit.
Why couldn't they just leave her alone to live in peace? She hated the distractions of her life. To be alone with her thoughts, that's all that she needed. Would that be like giving up on her life or living it the way that she wanted to?
It was always peaceful and quite here. No one knew of this spot or that she often ventured there. For some reason the air here felt as desperate as she felt which gave her a sense of comfort. Something else was as pathetic as she was. She was weak and couldn't do anything about it. She had never been weak before and now she couldn't handle it.
Fighter picked up a stick and some rocks. She began swinging the stick like it was a baseball bat. She would take her frustrations out on these innocent rocks. She began slamming the rocks with every loud crack of the rock against the wood a new thought would make it's way into her head as she watched the object disappear down the dark tunnel.
Crack. Will I ever see her again?
Crack. Will I ever love again?
Crack. What will I become?
Crack. How can I go on?
Crack. How can I leave this pathetic life?
With her last rock and thought she felt a wave of hatred pass over her. There seemed to be an ocean of energy flooding out of the tunnel she had just been hitting rocks down. She tried to move but couldn't. She saw nothing but felt everything.
Then just as suddenly as it began it stopped. Not waiting around to find out what it was or if it would wash over her again Fighter took off towards the palace. She glanced occasionally to see if anything was following her. When she peered back she saw nothing but the space that she had just left behind.