Hey guys! Before I start my werewolf fic (mentioned in the Legacy of the Werepyre Chapter 2) I would like to get out an Akatsuki fic with bucketloads of humor! Here you go, it's All the Birds of Akatsuki!
Aaron's POV
I walked out of my apartment. It had been a boring Saturday with nothing on TV. I am twenty-two years old and had just gotten out of college. I decided to take a little ride in my convertible. I walked straight over to it, and noticed an oddly-colored bird. It was silver, and had purple markings on its wings. It was hopping around like it was mad, seeming to be cursing at the sky. Suddenly, it started to rain hard. The bird cowered in fear as thunder sounded. I wasn't going to be able to go for a ride in my car, so I decided to take the bird inside. When I picked it up, it squirmed, and tried to peck me. I ignored the pain, and carried it inside my apartment where it was dry. The bird shook all the rain off its feathers. I had always wanted a bird as a pet, but my parents were allergic. I had bought a bird cage for the day I got a pet bird. I led him to it, and he hopped inside. He checked out the cage, looking at everything in it. Suddenly, he turned around, and looked at me madly.
"What? Why are you mad? I just saved you from dying." I asked it. It seemed to think for a moment, and then chirped happily. I took it out of its cage, and set it on my shoulder. I just walked over to my couch, and plopped down. I turned on the TV, and the bird watched intently. I flicked through channels, looking for a good show to watch. I came upon the episode of Naruto where Hidan killed Asuma. The bird was transfixed on Hidan. It cheeped excitedly.
"Oh, you like Hidan? Yeah, he's a pretty good character. He's my second favorite. He would be my favorite if it weren't for his cussing. I just don't like it that much. But it's funny at certain moments." I said to it. It seemed to take what I said in consideration. It shook its head in a so-so fashion. The rain cleared up about thirty minutes later, when the show ended. There was knock at the door. I left the little bird on the couch, and went to go get the door. I opened it to find my two best friends, Rich and May, standing there, each holding a little bird in their hands. Rich had a blue bird with markings like a rose on its head. May had a little orange bird with black dots and lines on it.
"Hey, you guys each found a little bird too?" I asked. My bird seemed to hear me, and peeked its head around the couch. Rich and May's two cheeped, and my bird cheeped back. The two other birds flew over to mine, and began chirping.
"Yeah, we both found birds. These two were together, and they were talking to each other, it seems. We picked them up, and carried them inside when it started to rain. We thought they might want some more company, so we came over here." Rich said. I nodded.
"Looks like they're getting along well." I said. We all looked over at the couch to see the birds talking. We couldn't really tell what they were saying.
"So, you guys got found by some fucks too, huh?" Hidan asked. Pein and Konan nodded.
"Yes we did. They seem pretty nice, though." Konan replied.
"Yeah, the guy who found me is pretty nice. He already gave me a place to sleep." Hidan told them. They nodded again.
"Let's try to find out where we are, and see if they can help us." Pein said. They all flew back to us. My bird landed on my shoulder.
"Hey little guy. You got some new friends?" I asked him. He seemed to nod. Then he cheeped. I pet his head, and he cheeped some more.
"You hungry?" I asked. He seemed to nod again. I tickled his little chin, and he cheeped again.
"Let's go get you some food." I walked over to the kitchen, and got out some sunflower seeds. I poured them into a small cup, and placed it in front of my bird. He looked at it inquisitively, and then looked at me.
"It's okay. These are sunflower seeds. They taste really good." I told him. He stared at them for a moment before trying one. He cheeped happily, and began devouring them. The other two birds looked at him inquisitively, and cheeped. He cheeped back somewhat angrily. The other two looked at me sadly.
"You guys want some too?" I asked. They seemed to nod. I got out two more little cups, and poured sunflower seeds into them. I placed the cups in front of them. They both tried one, and cheeped happily. They ate fast, but were quiet, unlike my bird. When they were all done, my bird cheeped at me.
"You want more?" I asked. He nodded. I got out some more sunflower seeds, put them in another little cup, and gave them to him. He ate ravenously again, and was finished within a minute. As I was waiting for him, I noticed a little orange and black bird with swirls and a black dot around an eye outside on the ground. It was hopping like a five year old.
"I'll be right back." I said. My bird cheeped angrily at me, nudging the cup.
"I'll get you some more when I get back." I told him. He stopped nudging the cup. I walked outside, and to the side of my house. I found the little bird there, still hopping.
"Hey little guy." I said to it. It turned around, and went up to me. It kept chirping with a high-pitched voice.
"You wanna come inside?" I asked. The bird flew up onto my shoulder. It chirped happily, and I walked inside.
"Hey guys, I found another bird." I said. They peeked their heads around to see.
"Aw! It's so cute!" May said. She grabbed the little bird off of my shoulder, and began cuddling it. It tweeted happily. My bird tweeted angrily, and the orange and black dotted bird smacked him upside the head.
"Hey, no fighting." I said. Rich thought for a second.
"Maybe there's more of these little guys." He said.
"Yeah, there could be." I replied. We both decided to go outside, and look for more. The first bird we found was white, with lines like it had bandages trying to pick up a five dollar bill. We brought it back, and went looking again. We found a blond-colored one with feathers over its left eye fighting with a red and tan one in a bush. We took them back, and went looking some more. We then found a blue one with gill-like markings walking around with a black one with red eyes. We took them back. The last one we found was a white and black one with a little green double crest looking at some roses in my garden. We took him back, and looked at the birds. They were all listening to the orange one with black spots.
"I think we should name them." I suggested.
"OK." May and Rich both said. I went to my bird.
"You remind me of Hidan, so that's what I'll name you." I said. My bird cheeped happily. I went over to the blue bird with a rose-like marking.
"I'll call you Konan. You remind me a lot of her, and you're pretty." I said. She tweeted, and seemed to blush. I went over to the orange bird with black dots and lines.
"I'll call you Pein. You remind me of him, and you seem to be these guys' leader." He nodded. I went over to the white and black bird.
"Your name is Zetsu. You've got a green crest like his flytrap, and you're half black and half white. No racist jokes intended." I told it. It cheeped with a deep voice. I walked over to the bird that was black with red eyes.
"Your name will be Itachi. You have red eyes like the Sharingan, and you're black, like his hair." It just stared at me with no emotion. May walked over holding the one that was blue with gill-like markings and the one that was orange with swirls and a dot around its right eye. She held out the blue one.
"This little guy's Kisame!" She said. The bird had a look on his face like, "Oh Yeah! I got the hot chick!" Then she held out the orange one.
"This one is Tobi!" She announced. The bird tweeted, and I could've sworn I heard it say,
"Tobi is a good boy!" I shook it off. Rich came over holding the one that looked like it was mummified, the one that was blond and had feathers over one eye, and the red and tan one. He held out the mummified one.
"This one's Kakuzu." He held out the red and tan bird.
"This one's Sasori, and the other is Deidara." He said. I rubbed my hands together.
"Well, now that we've named them, let's get them some food." I said. All the birds chirped unanimously. I got out a bunch of little cups, and put sunflower seeds in them. I put a cup in front of each little bird. All the birds that hadn't eaten some before tried one, and all but Zetsu ate ravenously, except for Sasori and Itachi. Zetsu coughed out a sunflower seed and looked at me angrily.
"Oh, you don't like sunflower seeds?" I asked. His eyes widened when I said the words "sunflower" and "seeds". He hopped over beside me. I walked to the fridge and opened it. I had veggies, fruit, meat, bread, and much more food.
"Would you like some carrots? Or bread?" I asked. He shook his head no at both. He saw some chicken, and walked over to it. He chirped a lot, and I got the idea he wanted meat. So I pulled out the chicken. He chirped happily.
"You want meat?" I asked incredulously. He nodded. I put some chicken on a plate, and placed it in front of him. He began to devour it easily. I leaned over near Rich and May.
"He's a cannibal." I whispered. They both nodded. When everyone had finished eating three cups of sunflower seeds, and Zetsu had devoured two whole chickens, we all went into the living room. My friends and I plopped on the couch, while the birds sat on the floor. We turned on Finding Nemo for the birds. About five minutes in, all the birds' stomachs grumbled, and they glowed.
"What the heck?" I cried out. All the birds morphed into the shape of the Akatsuki members that they were named after. I cried out, and fell on the floor, my face tasting the dust. I was right next to Tobi.
"Tobi wants to know if you are okay!" He said. I jumped up, and backed away.
"Is the Akatsuki in my living room, or am I going insane?" I asked. Pein got up.
"We're real." He said. I started freaking out.
"Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" Rich and May started freaking out right beside me.
"Calm down. We're not going to kill you." Pein said. I stop jumping in mid-air.
"You're not?" I asked. He nodded.
"In fact, we thank you for giving us some food and shelter." Pein said. I smiled.
"Always gotta help someone in need." I said. He smiled. I, for some reason, was stuck in the air.
"Uh, can someone get me down?" I asked. Tobi walked over, and pulled me down.
"Thank you Tobi." I said. Tobi eye-smiled.
"Tobi is a good boy!" He said. Everyone sweat-dropped.
"So what are you guys doing here?" I asked.
"We don't really know. We were out searching for one of the jinchuriki when an old man stopped us. He asked if we wanted entertainment, and Tobi just had to say yes." Hidan answered while glaring at Tobi.
"But Tobi liked the old man's funny dancing!" He replied. A tick mark appeared on Hidan's head. His head grew very large.
"IT WASN'T DANCING, IT WAS A FUCKING RITUAL, YOU SHITHEAD! I SHOULD KNOW! I DO THEM ALL THE TIME!" He yelled. I got him to calm down.
"Anyways, everything was spinning like hell, and we found ourselves where you found us. I looked down and saw that I had FUCKING WINGS! WHAT THE HELL?" Hidan continued. I nodded throughout his whole explanation.
"So where are we?" Pein asked.
"San Francisco, California, in the USA, on Planet Earth, in the Milky Way Galaxy." I said. They all looked confused.
"What's ?" Pein asked. I sighed.
"We are in the city of San Francisco, in the state of California, on the planet Earth, in the Milky Way Galaxy." I said slowly. They still looked confused.
"You guys haven't heard of the USA, San Francisco, California, Earth, or the Milky Way Galaxy? Oh wait, that would make sense since you're imaginary cartoon characters."
"But we're fucking real." Hidan said.
"Well, if something is made in reality, then it technically is real. I mean, imaginary characters like you guys have affected people's lives more than anyone else, so in a way, you're more real than us." Most of them just cocked their heads with a confused look.
"That statement is from South Park."
"What's South Park?" Kisame asked.
"It's a TV show for adults, and the only thing I will tell you is that Hidan especially would like it. It has a lot of cursing. In fact, they set the record for most times using a curse word with using "shit" 162 times uncensored with the episode "It Hits The Fan"." I replied. They all thought for a moment. Hidan especially would like it? Scary…
"Do you guys need anywhere to stay?" I asked.
"We can probably stay at a tavern." Pein said.
"We don't have taverns. You're in the modern world, where there's hotels, cars, fast food restaurants, and TV. We don't use Ryu here, we use dollars. In fact, if you added it up, the amount of Ryu you guys have would probably be enough to stay at a 3 or 4-star hotel. But we don't use Ryu, so that's out." I told them. They were all confused. Suddenly, my mail slot opened, and a few letters popped in. All the Akatsuki got in a fighting stance, but I said,
"Relax. It's the mail. The postman just drops it through that slot, and I get it." They all relaxed, and I walked over to the fallen mail. I picked it up and shifted through it.
"Junk mail, junk mail, bill, death threat, bill, junk mail, junk mail…" I announced as I shifted through it. I came upon a letter that had "For Aaron" on it. I opened the letter and read it out loud.
"Dear Aaron,
If you are reading this, then I have passed away. I'm sorry to leave you without warning, but life doesn't give much of that. I have left you my estate and fortune in my will, as you were always my favorite grandson. I wish you luck, and hope you may find happiness though I am gone.
Dearest Regards,
Grandma Joan" Tears filled my eyes as I finished reading.
"She's gone…" I said. Rich came up and patted me on the back.
"You alright?" He asked. I nodded sadly.
"Yeah. I just can't believe she's gone. Hope she's having a fun time rocking to 50's music in heaven." I replied. I cleared up my tears, and turned to the Akatsuki.
"I think I have a place for you guys to stay in. My grandma left me her estate and money." I said to them. Kakuzu's eyes lit up.
"Money?" He asked. I made an angry face.
"YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY, YOU DOUCHE! MY GRANDMA LEFT THIS FOR ME BECAUSE OF THE FUN TIMES WE HAD SITTING ON HER PORCH, WATCHING NATURE! YOU WILL NOT GET RID OF THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A CHREMATOPHILE!" I yelled, tears streaming down my face. Kakuzu backed off instantly. Pein smacked him upside the head when I calmed down.
"You guys can come and stay there if you want. It has thirteen bedrooms. Each of you can stay in one, and me and my friends can stay in one as well." I said to the Akatsuki.
"We'll accept your offer." Pein said while smiling. I smiled back.
"Good. May, Rich, go call a moving company. We're all moving into my grandmother's estate." I said. May and Rich nodded, and went to the phone. After twenty minutes, the moving vehicles arrived. I hopped in the passenger seat in the one in the front. I guided the driver all the way to my new house.
"You're gonna live here?" He asked.
"I do now." I said. We got to my grandmother's estate. Rich, May and I got out of the moving trucks, and the movers brought our stuff in. I chose the first room on the third floor. My grandma's estate had three floors, a tennis court, a pool area with a jacuzzi, a lobby, a dining hall, a living room, a weight room, an exercise room, a den, and a man-cave from when my grandpa was alive. The movers set my bed, my nightstand, my desk, my TV, and my lamp in my room. The room already had a dresser, so I just put all my clothes in there. I walked around the house to check it out. It was pretty cool. I just wished my grandma was there to enjoy it with me. I walked back to my room, and laid down on my bed. I just closed my eyes, and fell asleep. I just saw black. Suddenly, I heard May's voice.
"Aaron?" She called out. I heard footsteps.
"Oh, he's asleep." I slowly opened my eyes, and saw her leaning over me.
"'Sup?" I asked.
"The Akatsuki's here. They're all waiting in the lobby. By the way, my room is the next, and Rich's room is two down from mine." May said. I nodded. I stood up, and walked down the stairs. I came into the lobby to find the Akatsuki standing around, looking at everything. In fact, the lobby was one of the most fascinating places in the whole house. My grandma had had enough money to buy the Statue of David and a couple of famous paintings. She had bought busts of her favorite artist, Leonardo da Vinci. The entire lobby was made of marble, with exotic plants and scenery.
"Hey, you guys. Welcome to my grandma's estate." I said, They all turned to face me.
"You guys can choose any of the rooms on any of the three floors. My room, May's room, and Rich's rooms are the first, second, and fourth rooms on the third floor. Also, Zetsu, if you want to take some of the plants in here up to your room, you can." I told them. Zetsu smiled, showing his sharp teeth. I nodded, and left to go to my room. I needed to take a nap. I just crawled into bed, and fell asleep quickly. I was emotionally exhausted. I awoke five hours later after dreaming of good times with my grandmother. I got up out of bed, and decided to sit in the Jacuzzi. I got on my swim trunks and took my shirt off, and walked to the pool area. Nobody was there, so I just climbed in the Jacuzzi.
"Man, today was so weird…" I said to myself.
"Yes it was." A voice said. I jumped and cried out. I looked to see Konan sitting in the Jacuzzi next to where I was.
"Oh, sorry…I didn't know you were in there." I apologized. She smiled.
"It's alright. I quite enjoy having company." She said. I smiled back.
"What is this device anyways?" She asked.
"It's called a Jacuzzi. It's sort of like taking a bath, but you can relax, and you can make the jets work." I replied. She looked confused.
"Jets?" She asked. I walked over to the little control pad. I pressed the green button, and the jets activated.
"This feels really good." She said. I nodded.
"It's supposed to." She sighed, and sank down a little. I decided I didn't really need to go to the pool, so I walked inside, got changed, and decided to make myself dinner. Hidan charged in behind me, and shouted,
"I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO JASHIN-SAMA!" He charged at me with his scythe raised. Everyone rushed in as fast as they could. They all watched as I simply side-stepped as he swung downwards. I quickly got behind him, and chopped his left elbow. His arm went limp. I did his other elbow, and that arm went limp, making him drop his scythe.
"WHAT THE HELL?" He cried out. I crouched down, and sweeped his legs. He fell backwards, and landed on his bum.
"That was so badass…" Rich said. I smirked.
"Was he trying to sacrifice you?" Pein asked. I nodded.
"He sure was. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this, but I'm a black belt in Taekwondo, and know the Dim Mak—A.K.A Death Touch—Chinese fighting style. I also know how to do the Vulcan Nerve Pinch. (Real life facts)" I replied. Rich spoke up.
"You seriously don't want to mess with him unless you want to find yourself unable to move any part of your body." He said. Everyone looked at me in awe. Most people Hidan tried to sacrifice died. Only a small 0.00001% lived. I'm part of that percent.
"Now, before you get a good night's sleep, know that you should never try to sacrifice anyone here on Earth. If you do, you'll be labeled as a psychopath, arrested, sent to the electric chair, and killed." I told Hidan.
"But I can't fucking be ki—" I cut him off with a chop to the base of his spine, and he slumped forward. Pein spoke up.
"Impressive. I've never met anyone who could survive Hidan trying to sacrifice them except for us and people who got lucky." He said. I grinned.
"All it takes is skill, timing, knowledge, luck, and the balls to do it." I told him. He smiled.
"Now, would you all like some dinner?" I asked. Everyone nodded, and I said,
"Good, because I'm making something special." Everyone sat down at the dining hall table, and I began cooking. I made some pad thai, with my family's secret spice. Pad thai is one of my favorite foods. (true fact) I brought two steaming pots of it to the dining hall, and set it on the table. Everyone took a big whiff, and Kisame said,
"Smells good." I grinned, and said,
"Tastes way better. It's got shrimp, chicken, and beef in it." Kisame licked his lips at the word shrimp.
"What is it?" Pein asked.
"It's called Pad Thai. It's one of my favorite foods. It's a type of noodle dish that comes from Thailand, and it has egg, scallions, crushed peanuts, Pad Thai sauce, tofu, and usually vegetables. It also has my family's secret spice. It's a family secret. Every parent teaches it to their child or children and whoever they get married to. We put the spice on everything." I replied.
"What's the secret spice?" May asked.
"Sorry, but I can't tell you. That's why it's a secret." I said.
"Now dig in!" I shouted. Everyone tried a little bite, and began to eat hungrily.
"This is really good!" May exclaimed. I smiled.
"We always try to make it that way." I said. I started eating. I ate quietly the whole time. Everything here reminded me of my grandma. Everyone sitting down for a meal, the statues, the paintings, the walls, the floors. I just couldn't get her out of my head. Rich noticed my expression, and asked,
"Something on your mind?" I nodded.
"My grandmother. I just wish she was still here." I told him. He nodded.
"Yeah, I know how you feel. I lost my uncle as a kid. He died in war. I had waited every day for him to come through the front door with a smile. After three years, when I was six, my family received a letter from the government, saying he was killed in action. We all were really sad. In fact, we were basically emo for three months, not even having a single smile on any of our faces, but we remembered that he wouldn't want us to let it oppress us, so we got over it. I'm still sad about that, but I don't just mope every day." I smiled at him.
"You know, it's always nice to have someone there to comfort you when you have sad thoughts." I said.
"We should just blow up your head to make art, un! That way, you won't have any thoughts!" Deidara said. Pein smacked him upside the head. I held up a knife in a threatening way.
"Shut up. Just shut up. Or else I will castrate you and make your arms and hands useless for the rest of your life." I said. He looked down in fear and then at his hand mouths. We all went back to eating after a deadly silence, and I went to my room. I fell on the bed and quickly went to sleep.
Chrematophile: Someone with a love of money
Dim Mak: A Chinese fighting style involving using your opponent's body against them by hitting pressure points.
Did you like chapter 1? I will get chapter 2 of this story, and chapter 13 of the Blazing Dragon out soon!