Dear Reader,

Unless you are a cart or a lawnmower of some sort, you probably do not like being pushed around or kidnapped. And in this latest chapter of the Baudelaires' lives, they are pushed around, kidnapped, and made to endure singing, which is far worse than either one of the former.

This book contains horrible things that will make you weep, cry, and bawl, all of which mean the same thing, over the horrible things that are contained in this book. I will not say that it includes fire, starch, a redheaded actress, Little Red Riding Hood, villains searching for a sugar bowl, Veronal Fulminating Desserts, and an empty concierge desk.

I hope that by now you have put down this book so you will not have to endure reading about the latest unfortunate series of events that happen to the Baudelaires. Even though I have dedicated my life to researching the lives of the Baudelaire children, you have not dedicated your life to reading about them. You would be better off reading some other book.

With all due respect,
Lemony Snicket

For Beatrice—
Judged by some
Loved by me
Killed by others.

Chapter 1

Whenever you are doing an activity, such as listening to music, going to school, or sawing a hole in a sidewalk at midnight, you like to know things for a reason. For instance, if you are listening to music, you would like to know what inspired the composer of a song so you can make your song sound better than it sounds, particularly if your song is about aardvarks. If you are going to school, you like to know what you need to remember on a test so you will not flunk out of school and end up with songs about aardvarks for whatever reason. And if you are sawing a hole in a sidewalk at midnight, you would like to know, "Why am I sawing a hole in this sidewalk at midnight?" for the simple reason that there is no clear-cut explanation for such actions. If you are reading this book, you would probably like to know why this book is so dreadfully horrible and horribly dreadful, because you are already weeping and tearing your hair out even though the official story has not officially started yet. If this is the case, then you should put down this book immediately before your face becomes waterlogged and your head becomes bald, because this story is only about to get more horrible and dreadful.

But the three Baudelaire children were not listening to any music, nor going to school, nor sawing a hole in a sidewalk, which is a very improper thing to do, even at midnight. They were also not reading this book. The three Baudelaire children were in a taxi with a woman they had never met before named Kit Snicket, and they wanted to know many things for reasons too horrible to describe in detail. There were so many reasons, in fact, that the Baudelaires kept getting tongue-tied, a phrase which here means "tried and failed to ask Kit Snicket questions about their past because there were so many other questions besides," while trying to ask Kit Snicket questions about their past and so many other questions besides.

"How did you—why did you—where—" Violet Baudelaire said, getting tongue-tied. The eldest Baudelaire at fifteen, Violet was an inventor, and the best that I have ever researched. She had invented many devices to get her and her siblings away from evil, a word which here means "the clutches of Count Olaf." Now she wished she had a device that would ask all her questions for her, instead of tying her tongue in knots.

"How can you be—who is—did you—" Klaus Baudelaire said, also getting tongue-tied. Klaus, the middle Baudelaire child, was thirteen and the best researcher that I have ever researched. He could practically memorize an entire book in one sitting, especially if the book was a good one. He had, on many occasions, researched a topic that saved the Baudelaires' very lives, but now he wished he had read up on how to talk quickly and clearly so Kit Snicket could get all his questions at once.

"Neoga—bingo—hoop?" Sunny Baudelaire said, the last of the Baudelaires to get tongue-tied as well. Sunny was a bit more than a baby, and she was already the best biter and the best under-two-year-old chef that I have ever researched. She had quite a few abnormally sharp teeth and even more sharp cooking skills, which had recently saved her life from a deadly fungus. But as she sat trying to battle her way through newly learned words, she found that she would have rather thought about the culinary equivalent of horseradish than make a fool of herself trying to ask questions for which she didn't even know the words.

Kit Snicket looked back at the three children with a look that silenced them, and said, "All your questions will be answered at Hotel Denouement. For now, just enjoy the ride."

The Baudelaires looked at each other. When someone tells you to enjoy the ride, you might listen to music, or read a schoolbook, or saw a hole through your window, if you find that sort of thing enjoyable. But the prospect of an entire taxi ride through the city, still harboring questions upon questions upon questions, was not the least bit enjoyable to the Baudelaires. At least Kit had informed them of their destination, a word which here means "Hotel Denouement."

Hotel Denouement was, Sunny had overheard, the last safe place for V.F.D. members, where there was supposedly going to be a gathering on Thursday, and it was Tuesday, presently. V.F.D. was a secret organization that the Baudelaire parents had belonged to. And the Baudelaire parents had perished in a horrible fire that had destroyed the Baudelaire home and sent the three youngsters off to live with the aforementioned, a word which here means "mentioned before," Count Olaf. Since then, the three children had undergone a series of unfortunate events, each event more unfortunate than the last. And now they were driving away from Briny Beach, where all their misfortune had begun, hoping that now their misfortune was about to end.

Kit Snicket looked back at them through the rear-view mirror and sighed. "But I suppose I can answer a couple of questions. After all, you three have certainly been through many ordeals. Ask away."

Violet looked at Klaus, and Klaus looked at Sunny, and Sunny looked at Violet, and all three of them looked at each other as they wondered what to ask her. Finally Violet spoke. "Do you know where my friend Quigley Quagmire is?"

Kit smiled. "Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, he's the one that sent me here to come retrieve you three. He's at Hotel Denouement, waiting for us."

Violet breathed a sigh of relief and leaned back in her seat.

"Do you know where Captain Widdershins and Phil are?" Klaus asked.

"No, I do not, but I know where they will be, at the very latest tomorrow morning," Kit answered. "And the answer is the same. Hotel Denouement."

Klaus leaned back in his seat too, wishing he had a book with him so he could continue to enjoy the ride.

"Denohshun?" Sunny asked, and Violet was quick to translate.

"Since it is called the last safe place, does that mean we will be safe there?"

Kit sighed too, but not in relief. Her sigh sounded like she hadn't sighed in relief in a very, very long time. "No one can tell that, Sunny Baudelaire. No one can make sure everywhere is safe. You three should know that best of all."

And indeed, they did know that. As much as they and their banker, Mr. Poe, had tried, they could not seem to make anywhere in the world seem safe for them. But they had hoped that Kit's answer would be in the affirmative, a phrase which here means "yes," so that they could finally feel as safe as they had before the terrible fire that had consumed the Baudelaires' lives.

"It's quite a trip, Baudelaires," Kit told them quietly after she had jerked out of her reverie. "We'll have to stop some ways away from the hotel so we don't attract attention. We don't want any of Count Olaf's associates to be on our tail."

When someone says that someone is on their tail, it has nothing to do with someone sprouting an extra appendage from their backside and another person sitting on it. It means that they are right behind them. If you were to be involved in a game of tag, you might say someone is on your tail right before they touch you on the shoulder and yell, "TAG!" in your ear. If you were to be involved in a car chase, then you might say the police are on your tail right before they rear-end you and you sue them. But the Baudelaires were involved in a chase in which the stakes were high and the chances of survival were low, and at that exact moment, the last thing they wanted was to think that Count Olaf was on their tail. So they nodded mutely as Kit continued to drive the taxi around and around the city where they had grown up.

They passed the invention museum, which was Violet's favorite place in town. They passed the library, which was Klaus's favorite place in town. They even passed the playground, which was Sunny's favorite place in town, due to the fact that the chains on the swings were hard and good to bite. But they were incredibly surprised when the taxi pulled to a stop just outside the Baudelaires' most favorite-est favorite place in the entire world and Kit climbed out of the taxi's driver seat.

"Why are we stopping?" Violet asked Kit.

"We're here," Kit said, motioning to the gloom in front of them.

Violet gazed up at the ashen remains of her wonderful home and shook her head. Klaus did the same. The two elder Baudelaires couldn't believe that after all this, Kit had brought them back home. There had to be some mistake. Even Sunny mumbled her disapproval. "Mistry," she said softly, which meant something along the lines of, "Why do we keep ending up at our house? I wish to know."

"This can't be Hotel Denouement," Violet told Kit tearfully. "This is the remains of our mansion."

"This? Oh, no, this isn't the hotel. This is the beginning of our journey to the hotel. If there's anyone following us, we have to make sure that we lose them," Kit said, using a phrase which here means "they won't be following us when we get to the hotel."

Violet nodded, still unsure, and Klaus rested a hand on her shoulder. "Come on, children, there's still a ways to go," Kit told them, pocketing her two poetry books. "Follow me."

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny did as they were told and followed Kit through the dust and ruin of their house. They passed through the library, which had held so many secrets that the Baudelaires had never figured out. They passed through the kitchen, which held so many foods that they never got to taste. They even passed by the staircase, which led to the bedrooms, where their father had been when the fire had started, though they were never to know that. Finally, they came to a specific spot. Kit stamped on it with her foot.

"Ixplayn!" Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "What are you doing? Please tell us!"

"This is where the entrance is, Sunny," Kit answered, kneeling down.

"The entrance to Hotel Denouement?" Violet asked, suddenly realizing just where Kit was planning to go. "But that's just a passageway!"

"Just a passageway? Violet, you should know better that nothing is as it seems. You didn't even know that this passage was here until after you had been in many unpleasant situations, and then the time was ripe for this discovery. Come on, I'll show you."

Kit opened the trapdoor, which indeed led to a passageway, and lowered herself inside. "Come on, you three," she said, disappearing through the hole. Violet looked at her younger brother and sister and shrugged.

"What have we got to lose?"

"Nothing," Klaus admitted. "Go ahead."

Violet climbed in after Kit, and Klaus climbed in after Violet, and Sunny allowed Klaus to lower her down into the passage after he had gotten in.

The Baudelaire eyes took a while to become adjusted to the dark, which was as black as a sidewalk at midnight, but Kit (it seemed) needed no such preparations. She simply and silently slipped through the passage, as quiet as a mime. The children hurried after her, being as quiet as mice when the mice are running around their cage and squeaking, and in this way the four companions made their way to an apartment complex across town.

"We are in 667 Dark Avenue," Kit announced quietly when they appeared at the other end.

Violet looked up, wishing that they could have driven the taxi to Hotel Denouement instead of taking this roundabout route. The passage had ended at the bottom of an elevator shaft, a phrase which here means "a long vertical passage where there should have been an elevator instead of an underground passage to the Baudelaire residence." The end of this passage was at the sixty-sixth floor: the penthouse. The Baudelaires had spent a considerable amount of time living there with the Squalors, but that had ended badly like the others. Jerome Squalor had wished the Baudelaires good luck but had done nothing except walk away when his wife, Esmé, had run off with Count Olaf and two of the three Quagmire triplets, Quigley's brother and sister. What good could be waiting for them at the end of this passageway?

"How do we climb up there?" Klaus asked. "Last time we had a bunch of neckties tied all together, but that was when we were climbing from the top, and we can't ask Sunny to climb up using her teeth, and—"

"Shh, Klaus," Kit said. "A V.F.D. member is always prepared."

"You're a V.F.D. member?" Violet and Klaus chorused.

"Yooar?" Sunny asked, which meant something along the lines of, "She is?"

Kit nodded and lifted her long black dress slightly. On her feet were a pair of classy black pumps, but just above the pumps, on her left ankle, they could see the outline of a tattoo, even in the dark. It was a tattoo of an eye.

"Just like Olaf's!" Violet exclaimed.

"And just like Jacques's!" Klaus added.

Kit nodded again and pulled something from the pocket where she had stowed the books. At first the three children thought it was an umbrella, but when she unfolded it, they realized that it was something similar to what Violet had invented a very long time ago to rescue Sunny from a birdcage. It was the spidery end of a grappling hook.

"And we'll need this." Kit extracted, a word which here means "took out," a long silver bungee cord from her pocket, which was beginning to seem to the Baudelaires like a bottomless pit. She handed both the hook and the cord to Violet. "If you would do the honors," she said, using a phrase which here means "tie a knot," "and tie a knot."

Violet nodded and began to tie a complicated knot that she had invented herself, called the Sumac. In seconds they had a fully-grown grappling hook, useful for scaling the walls of empty elevator shafts. Kit took the grappling hook and threw it expertly, a word which here means "as if she had thrown a grappling hook before." It caught on the very first try, and she began to climb up the wall. "Everyone follow close behind," she whispered.

The three siblings nodded and began to follow close behind, all the while wondering exactly where Kit was leading them. They had never actually gotten acquainted with the strange woman, and it wasn't enough to know that she was the sister of Jacques Snicket and a member of V.F.D. Count Olaf had once been a member of V.F.D. as well, and he had landed the three of them into all sorts of trouble. Jacques had been a member of V.F.D., and he had gotten murdered. But she was their only hope, and besides, if Quigley had sent her, then she had to be a good person. This was what was running through Violet's mind as they climbed floor after floor after floor to the tiny speck of light at the top.

But Klaus was thinking about something else entirely, a phrase which here means "Fiona." Captain Widdershins's stepdaughter had gone and joined Count Olaf's evil crew of multiple henchmen just to be close to her brother Fernald, who happened to now have hooks for hands. Before she had left him for the last time, she had told him to compare her to a food that he liked very much, and then she had kissed him. Klaus could not believe that this had only been a few hours earlier. It seemed like days and days, but it had only been hours. And now he was climbing up an elevator shaft to make sure she wasn't on his tail.

And Sunny was thinking of the last time she had scaled the walls of this very shaft, using only her very sharp four teeth. Since then she had sprouted a few more, but she could imagine that it would be no less difficult to scale the wall with eight teeth than with four. She, for one, was glad that Kit had come along with a portable grappling hook and the answers to at least a couple of their questions. She wanted to be safe at the last safe place, go to the meeting on Thursday, figure out why her life was miserable, and maybe turn it around, a phrase which here means "defeat Count Olaf."

At last, the four of them reached the top and climbed out of the passage. "Now to get to the roof," Kit said.

All three Baudelaires were jolted from their thoughts. "Roof?" all three asked.

"Of course! Follow me."

The Baudelaires had done so much following in the past half hour that they wished they could stop to rest, but as Captain Widdershins had told them, "He or she who hesitates is lost!" and they could tell that the personal philosophy of the eccentric submarine captain applied in this situation. They followed Kit through ten living rooms of the penthouse. Kit seemed unperturbed, a word which here means "to know where she was leading the Baudelaires."

Violet, however, was not unperturbed. "Kit—I mean, Ms. Snicket, um, how do you know the way to the roof?"

"This penthouse," Kit explained, "used to be the last safe place, before it became unsafe. I've been here so many times that I could get to the roof in my sleep. And call me Kit. That saves time."

"This used to be the last safe place?" Klaus asked incredulously.

"Before Esmé married Jerome," Kit answered. "Then it became the last place anyone would ever want to go. Sorry to hear you three had to spend an inordinate amount of time here."

Violet and Klaus looked at each other, and Sunny looked at her siblings. "How did you know we—" Klaus began, but Kit interrupted him, which is a rude thing to do unless you are in no position to hesitate.

"I smell smoke."

The Baudelaires froze, sniffing the air. Indeed, the smell of smoke filled their nostrils and made Sunny's eyes water. "There's fire somewhere," Violet agreed breathlessly.

"We've got to hurry," Kit said, quickening her pace to reach the exit to the roof.

In just a few more minutes, the three Baudelaires and Kit Snicket were teetering on the roof, having just emerged from a pinstripe curtained window. The smell of smoke was heavy in the air and filled the Baudelaire lungs, making it almost impossible for them to breathe. But Kit, who seemed to be used to such matters, was leaning over the edge of the roof and peering down at the street below.

"Have a look at this," she said in a low voice.

Klaus was the first to move over to her. He peered over as well. "Oh, my—Violet, come here."

But Violet was already next to him, covering her mouth in dismay. "Sunny? Sunny, you have to see this."

But Sunny was already there as well, and the four companions stared down at the inferno, a word which here means "a large fire engulfing an apartment building." From the first floor up seemed to be a blazing mass of flames, slowly creeping up the sides. They could hear people on the street screaming and yelling, and windows shattering, and the smoldering of a thousand books. Now they really had to follow Captain Widdershins's personal philosophy or else they would all be lost. "We don't have much time," Kit said. "We have to get over to the next roof. Any ideas?"

"Hook!" Sunny exclaimed, which meant something along the lines of, "Why don't we use that device that we used to scale the elevator shaft?"

"It would take too long, Sunny," Klaus said fearfully, holding Sunny's hand in his.

"I have an idea," Violet said. "Kit, shoot the grappling hook to the next roof. Klaus, Sunny, help me rip up these pinstripe curtains into long thick pieces, all right?"

Everyone set to work, a phrase which here means "shot a grappling hook and began ripping up horribly ugly curtains." With all three Baudelaires working together on the task, the curtains were soon reduced to shreds. Violet made four piles of shreds as Kit tied one end of the grappling hook tightly to a large nail that stuck out of the roof.

"Everyone take a bunch, strap them over the cord of the hook, and swing all the way over there," Violet ordered hurriedly. "I'd seen it done in movies, but I never thought I'd actually do it."

"Will it work?" Klaus asked.

"We won't know," Kit answered, swinging her pile of shreds over the cord, "until we try it."

And she was gone in a rush of wind, her hair streaming behind her as she flew to the next roof. She turned to see that the Baudelaires were still on the roof of 667 Dark Avenue. "Come on, Baudelaires, you can do it!" she yelled in encouragement.

Encouragement is a funny thing. It is meant to try to get you to do something, but sometimes it works backwards. It gets you not to do something. For instance, if you were standing at the edge of a cliff, and someone told you to get so close to the edge that you'd fall off, you would probably back up until you were as far away as you could be, unless you wished to fall off a cliff. If you were somehow transformed into Snow White, who was poisoned by a poisonous apple by her equally poisonous stepmother, when the witch told you to eat the apple you'd probably throw it at her ugly face. This would not be the case, however, if you did not have a literary license, and you would be forced to poison yourself with the apple for the purpose of moving the story along. But with this encouragement, the Baudelaires looked down one time at the fire, which was slowly creeping towards them, and decided to follow Kit's encouragement after all.

"Sunny, you go first, and I'll be right behind you," Klaus said. Sunny nodded, and soon the two of them were flying to the next building, which was either 666 or 668 Dark Avenue. But Violet peered over the edge and gulped. Did she really want to do this?

"Come on, Violet!" Klaus yelled.

"You can do it!" Kit called.

"Violet!" Sunny shrieked.

The fire was now on one of the floors directly beneath her, either sixty-four or sixty-five. Violet shuddered. Why was she hesitating now? She had done things ten times as dangerous in the past. She closed her eyes and thought for something that would encourage her more than her siblings' calls and Kit's frantic yells. Breathe deeply, she told herself, like you did when you were trying to save Sunny from the Medusoid Mycelium. And when you were trying to figure out how to un-hypnotize Klaus. And think of how they will probably need you later, and remember the promise you made to your parents when you said you'd never let them be alone or in danger…

The flames burst through the curtained window on the roof. Violet took a deep breath and jumped.

It was the most amazing feeling in the world. She was flying forward, with no effort on her part. She hung on tightly to her makeshift safety fliers, as she named them in her head, so she wouldn't fall sixty-six stories down to the concrete below. She kept her eyes level, concentrated on her siblings. And finally she was on the roof, nearly sobbing with relief, and Klaus and Sunny had rushed up to hug her. Kit hung back, smiling softly.

"All right," Violet said, swallowing her tears. "Let's go."

Kit nodded approvingly, a word which here means "in a way which made Violet feel as if she had done the right thing," and moved toward the roof door on this building. She opened it and crawled down a stepladder that had been placed under the door for that exact purpose. The Baudelaires followed her and emerged in a room that made them all hesitate for a second and say, "Wow."

"Welcome, Baudelaires," said Kit, "to the lobby of Hotel Denouement."