Chapter One
Sunny Days And Rain
I hope you're ready, because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. More specifically, the exact moment my life got so messed up. I'm not even sure why I'm even writing this, but I guess I want the whole world to know my story. This was not a 'taken lightly' decision. It took several tossing and turning nights to come up with what I exactly wanted to say, and I'm writing it because I will probably miss all the details if I talk it. So let's stick with good old pen and paper, ok? Yeah? Good.
Everyone thought they knew me. Everyone thought they could read me. But I got a surprise for you. No one can read who someone is based on first appearance and with me it was never the same game twice. So then, why was it so easy to get to me?
Let's turn the spotlight to the most important person in my life. Me. My complete name is KitKat Sarah Curtis. I have many, and I mean many nicknames. Kitty, Kit, Kat, Kitten, Kittay, Kittay Katty, Curtis, K, KC, etc. But let's just go for Kitty, because I like that one the most. My middle name 'Sarah' was granted to me in honor to my mother.
I have long, lustrous mahogany, dark-brown hair. During the summer, the sun bleaches some of my hairs and turns them into blonde highlights. In the winter, the sun does the same, but they turn into shiny red-hairs. I have large eyes colored with a special shade of Bondi blue. Most people describe Bondi blue as being practically blue-green, but if you ever had a decent box of crayons you will find that Bondi blue is not blue-green. It doesn't even look alike. I have long and delicate eyebrows, which I always raise in sign of 'you gotta be kidding me'. I'm almost as tall as my oldest brother Darry, with long legs and a delicate and petite figure. Darry stands at 6'2; I stand at 5'9. Perfect body? No freaking way. No one has a perfect body, not even those high-pay models. I have no perfect curviest hips. I would have to add a few pounds for that and maybe be shorter. I enjoy being thin, and if that means no curves or whatever then let the boys suck it. I'm not here to please anyone physically.
I have a penetrating look on my face, one that can manage to be both angelic and fiercely at the same time. Oh how I enjoy giving dead looks to people I don't like. I'm direct, optimistic, giggly, and a smart-mouth. I ignore other people's advice when it doesn't directly benefit me and do things my way. I have low sense of conscience over my wrong-doings. That means I don't give a fuck if what I do is wrong. I don't like to take life too seriously. After all, we are all going to die someday. I would rather one hundred times more die in a worn out body, with bruises and obvious signs of physical deterioration, and shout 'what a ride' than to arrive at the grave in a perfectly preserved body. Meaning I rather be wild and suffer the consequences than play it safe and miss it all.
If I had to chose one word to describe me that would charismatic. All the way. People like me and I like people, unless they are socs and jump greasers, those are the exception to the rule. I'm very intuitive and have a perspective of the world that is too complicated to explain, because I know most people won't agree with me and since I'm not up to satisfy anyone but myself, I see no point in discussing that matter. However, thanks to that, my friends search for sympathy and advice in me. I am not kidding when I say I solve everyone's problems but my own. You can ask them if you want to. I'm the only freaking voice of reason in this gang and that pisses me off at times. But Steve is slowly learning from me, so go Stevie!
I have low levels of self-control and I'm not as strong as I wish I was, but who cares? I enjoy the ride. No, that doesn't mean my brothers are overprotective. I do what I want and suffer the consequences on my own and they let me be. Of course I would never do anything that would get me in police trouble. That's why I got the boys to do it for me. Don't get me wrong, just because I don't like to have my brothers over my back doesn't mean that I don't like their ultimate attention. I LOVE attention. Because in my world, everything is about me. And yeah I get pretty upset when people don't take me into account. Call it self-centered if you want but as Marianne Williamson said: "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Who am I NOT to be?" But enough about me has been said. These are the need-to-know basis because as I go on with this piece of words, I don't want to be judge as something I am not. So here it is. A little piece of something to call mine. Enjoy the ride.
When I first got the news, something inside me busted and unconsciously, I knew, nothing was ever going to be the same. Not many people realize that your whole life can change in a matter of seconds. The worst part about it all, you never know when it's coming. We never appreciate something enough until we have lost it, and it's unfortunate, but that is the only way we learn.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
"You're kidding me! She really said that?" I almost yelled in joy into the phone. It was a Sunday morning and I was talking to my best friend. "True as it can be. I was like 'bitch, go fuck yourself, I am not here to change my ways for you'." Two-Bit said from the other side of the phone using one of his famous voice imitations. I bit my lower lip to avoid bursting into uncontrollable laughter. I failed. "I don't believe you." I said between giggles. "Well you better, bitch. I thought you knew by now that this boat ain't taking anybody's crap." I rolled my eyes.
I looked around me to make sure nobody was listening and got closer into the phone. "So, did you at least get the chance to fuck her before or…?" I asked in a low whisper that only the person at the other side of the line and me could hear.
I could hear laughs at the other side and I wondered who else was in the room aside from Two-Bit. There was a long pause and I figured he was trying to shut them up before he answered me. Just as he was about to answer, my mother walked into the kitchen. "Hang up the phone. It's time for dinner." She said.
She turned around and I groaned. "Hey Two-Bit, I gotta go. Dinner time." I said. Just then, a bunch of more laughs burst out loud and I couldn't help but smile. "Um, okay Kitty. Eat something yummy for me. Bye." "Will do." I said and hanged up the phone.
I sighed and walked towards the dinner table. I took my usual seat next to my father on the right side and waited patiently for Ponyboy to get there and for my mom to serve. "Ponyboy, stop reading that book and seat down properly." Mom said as she placed into the table spaghetti and meatballs.
After saying grace, I winced in disgust as I saw the pigs I got for brothers literally dig into the food. It always made me sick, sometimes sick enough to not find my own appetite. I gulped as I took the first bite and slowly eat my way through the plate. The table was strangely silent and I couldn't help but feel paranoid that it could be something I did or something I didn't do for that matter, though I didn't recall anything that might have been considered bad.
After I was done, I excused myself, picked up my plate and placed it in the sink. It was Darry's turn to wash dishes and I was glad I could escape into the sanity of my own room. I lay down in my bed staring at the ceiling. I replayed my conversation with Two-Bit over and over, trying to figure out what it had been that I felt when he spoke of his now ex-girlfriend.
Jealousy, perhaps? I scoffed at my own silly thought. Me, having a crush on Two-Bit? On my best friend? The simple idea seemed completely ridiculous. He was my best friend, for crying out loud. I did not had a crush on Two-Bit. Then why the jealousy that had turned to relief? I rolled my eyes and turned to face my windo.
I stared into night sky filled with shinning stars. I smiled at myself. They where so pretty. I was dazed by them. Every time I looked at them it seemed as if they where smiling back and shinning so bright just for me. I stared and stared until I finally let the heaviness of the night absorb me and I fell into a deep sleep.
The next day the bright light from the sun glanced through my window and caressed me with its warm touch. I frowned as the light started to hurt my eyes. I turned around and rubbed my eyes, sighing happily as I regained full consciousness and stood up. I walked over to the bathroom humming absent-mindedly. I locked the door behind me and turned on the shower. As I let the cold water run free, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. "Pretty self." I said pleased with what I saw, even though my hair was a mess and I was still in yesterday's clothes.
The water was fresh but it was the coldness that completely relaxed my muscles and made me feel good again.
I didn't take long. I usually just get in and get out, but there was something about today that had to make me relax. I wrapped a towel around me, once I was done, and walked towards my room to put in whatever it was that crossed my path. I fixed my hair nice and neatly and winked at myself in the mirror once I was done putting on the usual makeup.
I walked over to the living room to find my dad going in and out, carrying things into the truck. I followed him outside. "Mystery trip you forgot to invite me to?" I asked. He chuckled. "I'm taking your mother for a romantic picnic up in the woods." He said winking at me. "Okay then, in that case I won't take my lack of presence personal." I said winking back.
As I walked back to the kitchen, I saw Soda and Pony talking to my mother and taking in a direct 'no' for whatever it is they had asked her. I chuckled and almost as unexpected as being stroked by lighting, they grabbed my arm and pulled me into their conversation. "What?" I asked setting my arm free. "We want you to help us convince mom to have a party here tonight with the gang." Soda said with a hopeful smile. The p-word alone grabbed my curiosity. "Party you say?" I cracked my eyebrow, a trick I had learned from Two-Bit himself. Soda nodded impatiently. I looked from him to the kitchen and back to him. "Hey mom!" I called as I walked towards her.
From the corner of my arm I saw him throw his arm up in victory. "Yes, dear?" She asked as she placed the last peanut butter and jelly sandwich into the basket. "Can we have a party tonight? Not a big crowd, just the gang." I said a little quickly the first part and making my best puppy dog face. She raised an eyebrow. "Did your brothers put you up to this?" She asked. "Um…" I searched my head for an intelligent answer but before I could find one, she continued. "Whatever. The answer is still no." She said grabbing the basket and making her way up to the front door.
I sighed and turned around, following her. "Oh c'mon mom, you can trust us. It's not like we'll do anything dirty." I said with a cheerful voice. She turned around and eyed me in disbelief. I couldn't read her expression and it somehow scared me, though I couldn't guess why. "You mean like the way you behave with your friends?" She said. My smiled faded and my expression was a mixture of confusion with a hint of anger. I folded my arms. "What's that supposed to mean?" I said. Suddenly, the whole room went silent and I could feel eight pairs of eyes on me that where not my mother's. She took a deep breath but her expression didn't change. "I heard you, on the phone, yesterday. I heard the way that Mathews boy was talking to you and the way you where talking back." She said.
I had to bit my lip to prevent myself from bursting into laugher because I knew I would if I didn't. Relief ran through my veins and I couldn't help but smile. "No mom, you got it all wrong. He was talking about his girlfriend-" And it hit me. The feeling of laughter and amusement faded as I made sense of what she had just said. "Wait. You where listening to my conversation with Two-Bit?" I asked in anger and frustration. I didn't believe it. My own mother was spying on me. And now she was giving me shit because she had not understood the information right. What the hell?
"Well, someone had to do it. It's not like you behave properly or act your age and gender." She said. I wanted to yell at her. I couldn't even describe how completely angry I felt. I felt betrayed. She had completely violated my privacy. "From what I heard there was sex involved." She added as if to make it look worst for me.
"I was talking about his girlfriend, mother!" I almost shouted. It was starting to get ugly and the boys around me could sense it. Dad walked out the door to the safeness of the car slowly, trying to prevent anything from setting our tempers free.
"I don't care. This conversation is final!" She wasn't listening. She never did. Everything that didn't go her way made her mad and I was sick and tired of that attitude. She followed my father out the door. "Oh no, it's not!" I said to myself. I was done. She was going to hear me this time. I was not going to stand around and listen to her judging me.
"You know just as well as I do that this isn't about Two-Bit or the conversation!" I said determined for her to listen to me once and for all. She turned to look at me. "You're right." She said. "It has to do with you not acting your age or gender!" My mom's voice was low but there was disappointment in her voice, like she couldn't believe I was her daughter. I stood in place.
"Well I'm so sorry I'm such a disappointment to you." I said. My voice was breaking and I could feel that. She stood at one side of the car. She didn't look at me. She couldn't look at me. I looked at her with pain in my eyes. There was a silence hanging between us. I could feel the inside of me boiling up.
Say it mom, please say it. Tell me I'm not a disappointment. Tell me. But she didn't. She didn't! She just looked down. The rage was starting to get me. Soon I found myself conquered by anger and sadness and I couldn't take it. "I hate you!" I yelled.
She looked down and walked around to the other side of the car. The door slammed shut and the engine burst alive. The car started to drive away and I could feel the anger and sadness taking over me.
It's amazing how words can affect a person's life. If they hurt you, they will forever echo in your mind and no matter how much you try to ignore them, you just can't. They are like a chain that holds you prisoner to your past and memories. You can't set yourself free.
I had never had the best relationship with my mother. We both had very strong personalities and the clashes where strong and powerful. She had very different ideas of how I should be and since I didn't agree with her points of view, I wasn't giving her the satisfaction of tracing who she wanted me to be. Sure, she was a loving woman but if you weren't one hundred percent like she wanted, she could get so controlling. And I rather die than give anyone the power to control me.
I just stood there, staring at the floor. Her words where echoing in my mind and I was trying very hard not to burst into tears. When I finally gained control over my emotions and not only had I not shed a single tear but also felt stable enough to not count on it, I turned around and started to walk into my room. I shot the door behind me and leaned on it. Six pairs of eyes where staring at me.
Soda was the first one to walk over to me. He stood next to me and pulled me into a tight hug. Five seconds later, he was joined by Darry and Pony and though it felt comforting, I couldn't stand it. I pulled their arms away from me and took one step away. The three of them had probably been too scared and frozen in place as to do anything when it had mattered. Now it was too late. All I wanted to do was lie down in my bed and pray that sleep would conquer me. What a morning.
But no matter how appealing that sounded, all I really wanted to do was get out of my house. Maybe go for a run or something. Whatever helped me clear my mind. "Could you move please?" I hadn't realized how small my voice sounded. It annoyed me the moment I heard it. Though they looked at me confused, they obeyed.
"Kitty, are you okay?" Darry asked. I turned to look at him, doing a hell of a fine job entrusting my expression with indifference. "Yeah." I lied. "I just need to go for a walk. I think some fresh air will do me good." I said. "Do you want some company?" He asked just as I was about to open the door. "No, I really think I need to do this alone." I said and walked out.
I didn't know where to go. I didn't care either. All I wanted to do was clear my mind. Have something distract me. I turned to glance at my house before I busted into a run. Running had always cleared my mind. Mainly because I always concentrated on increasing my speed. I thank God for being competitive.
I ran and ran and ran. I wasn't paying much attention to anything else. The only thing I was conscious of was the ground I was running on and the wind that messed with my hair as I did so. Then, the memories of the morning event started to invade my mind. One by one. It was giving me a headache, not to mention it made me want to cry…again. Fuck.
That was, before I stumbled upon something or someone and was dragged back to the real world. "Ouch! Watch we're you're going, bitch!" Yep, definitely a someone. I stood up brushing the dirt off my pants and turned around to see who it was. "Oh, hi Kitty! Sorry about that. I thought you where one of those fucking socs." The girl said. I recognized Angela Shepard sitting on the shadow of a tree. "I'm sorry, Angel. I didn't see you." I said.
She smiled. "Yeah, you seemed quite into it." I was looking around me, becoming fully aware of everything. "Distracted too." She added. I turned to look at her in reaction to her words. "Oh, right. Sorry." She eyed me suspiciously. "Is there something bothering you, Kit?" She asked. "Um…" I was trying to think about something to say. I didn't feel up to talk about it with anyone. "You can tell me. You know I'll listen to you." She said. I eyed Angela for a moment. To hear those words coming from her mouth only meant that she really meant it. Angela Shepard didn't give a damn about anyone that wasn't really her friend. If she really cared about you, you could consider yourself lucky. "C'mon." She said, patting the ground, motioning for me to sit next to her.
I sighed. Oh well, I guess it couldn't hurt, right? Wait no. It did. It could hurt. The words where still burning into my skin and the memory was still making its way through my mind and getting rid of any sane thought that I had ever had. It was me alone against my past.
I sat down next to her and closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at her straight in the eye. If I did, I would see her staring at me, waiting rather impatiently for me to speak and then, because I knew you couldn't say no to Angela, I would have tell her. Fuck my life.
I started to count the seconds that our, well, my uncomfortable silence was lasting. But I should've known better. I opened my eyes so quickly it could have scared anyone that was staring directly at me. I was doomed. If I didn't close my eyes I would have to tell Angela but if I did the memory would play in my mind over and over again. Either way I couldn't escape from it. I groaned.
"Well?" Angel said with an expected impatient tone. I turned to look at her and sighed. "My mom." I said. She chuckled and nodded in understanding. "It's always the folks, right? That get on our nerves." She was smiling like an idiot, like she was trying very hard not to laugh. I, personally, didn't find it amusing at all. Maybe that was because I had the problem, not her. "Well no. I mean, yes, but I have never had a fight like this with her. Sure, we argue and all, but this time, things got way out of hand." I said placing my left hand over my eyes and sighing deeply.
Angela was looking at me with interest and clear curiosity in her eyes. "What did you do? What did she do?" She asked. I turned to look at her, trying to hide my incredulity. Was that all she thought about? The argument itself rather than the reason behind? The what instead of the why? I had to level with her. I guess when you came from a broken home you have this need to know if other people have it in worst or better. That's the only way to either make yourself feel better or have another reason to hate the world.
I rolled my eyes. "I told her I hated her." I said. Hearing those words come from my mouth made me feel like the biggest asshole in the whole planet. It made me feel guilty too, ashamed. A feeling I did not like to feel. I was too proud to feel shame. That only made me grudge at the thought.
Angela looked at me with pleased eyes and I could have sworn I saw a small smile on her face. "Well, do you?" She asked. No matter how indignant I was starting to feel at her lack of sympathy, the girl had a valid point. I asked myself the same question. Did I? 'Cause it seemed like I did when I yelled at my mom this morning. But did I really mean it? Or was I just acting out of anger? It took me a moment to figure out my answer.
"No, I don't hate her…I don't particularly like her either." I scoffed at my words and even managed a small smile. Somehow, it set a huge weight entrusted upon my back free when I came clean and speak with honesty. "But she's my mom. No matter how many times she gets on my nerves, I can't just yell at her like that. I held some sort of respect for her, ya know?" I said.
I looked down, staring at the grass and wishing for a moment I could go back in time and never agree to Soda's request in the first place. Damn him! Damn time! Damn me! Damn everything for god's sake! We where silent for a moment and I was urging to break the silence. It only made it worst. But I couldn't continue to talk about it either. I was so messed up. Shit.
Finally, Angela stood up and turned to face me, fixing her tight black skirt as she did so. "Piece of advice, Kit. Never let anyone try to control you. You are who you are. That's something no one will ever be. And if they don't like it, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves." She said and held out her hand for me. I took it and turned to face her. The difference in height and age was now very clear. Angela was what? Thirteen, give it or take a number or two. She was younger than Ponyboy, so yeah, maybe I was right.
"Until then, go back from where you came from and make it clear to anyone, even your folks, you are you." She winked at me. I couldn't help but smile. Not because of what she had said, though that had a little something to do with it, but because I wouldn't have to listen to her or talk to her anymore. Such relief. "Farewell, for now." She said and turned to walk away.
I rolled my eyes and groaned. I had just hit down bottom. Okay, so Angela's talk was nice, for lack of a better word, but I didn't take advice from anybody, especially not from a little girl. I was, as I said, too proud. Maybe that was my fucking issue and the reason I got into so many problems. I kicked a rock forward and walked back from where I had come from. Even so, Angel was right. I was who I was. Everyone else could go fuck themselves. I smiled at myself. I'll just apologize to my mom and leave it all behind me, and everything could be good again…
…Little did I know, it would never be.
By the time I was on my street it was dark. I didn't seem to have the guts to come home yet so I just wondered around waiting for time to pass. I was fine, not completely better, but as though nothing had happened.
One step in front of another was how I made my way towards my house. As I got closer, something caught my eye. A police car was parked across my house and I could see the red and blue lights flashing, illuminating the entire place. What the…?
I started to run towards my home, going at full speed to find out what the whole mess was about. Maybe Dallas had gotten into trouble, or Steve, or even –and it was not highly impossible- Carson. But then again, they where parked across my house. If either of my friends was in some sort of police trouble, they wouldn't come looking for them at my house, now would they? Wait, yes, they would, because half of them practically live there. I shook the thoughts of my head. I really didn't want to drive into conclusions that would only eat me from the inside with worry when I didn't even know the reason why the police where there.
Before I could go for the door, one of the cops stopped me. "Hey miss, wait up." He said. I turned to look at him with surprise. "Identify yourself." He said. I cocked an eyebrow and folded my arms in superiority. "Is that an order or a suggestion?" I said with mock in my voice. "Do you know, miss, that I can detain you for forty-eight hours without reason?" He glared at me. Oh, shit. "Right…" I said unfolding my arms and managing a nervous smile. "I'm sorry. My name is KitKat Curtis and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." I said. Somehow, I always have to mock, be sarcastic, or make comments to feel in control, if I'm not in control, I feel vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable. Once again, stupid pride.
The cop raised an eyebrow and took out a bunch of papers. He went through them quickly, eyeing me at times and then returning to his evening lecture. "Yeah, the Curtis girl." He said mostly to himself and without taking his eyes off the paper. I half-smiled and sighed. He folded the stack of papers and turned to look at me. He managed a fake smile. "We where waiting for you." He said. I made the same gesture. You should. I thought.
Inside, two other cops where sitting in the couch drinking some coffee. Darry was sitting in dad's armchair while Soda and Pony where sitting across the cops. I frowned for a moment, trying to make sense of what was going on. "What's going on?" I asked as I stepped slowly but fiercely into the living room.
The cop sitting on the left side of the couch stood up to shake my hand. "Good evening, Miss Curtis. I'm Lieutenant Strauss. Please take a seat." He said. I eyed him with suspicion but did as he said. I walked towards Soda and Pony and sat to Soda's right. He placed his arm around my shoulder gently. We waited patiently for the cops to talk. I could feel the heaviness in the air. Lieutenant Strauss took a deep breath and looked at each of us. For the love of all that holy, just get on with it! I thought in annoyance and almost yelled it, if it hadn't been because I still had a last drop of respect in my blood.
I will never forget his words.
"I'm afraid to inform you that Darrel and Sarah Curtis passed away this evening." Suddenly my heart dropped. I couldn't believe my ears. Then, her words repeated in my mind and they where a million times more loud and damaging than they had been all day. "Well, someone had to do it! It's not like you behave properly or act your age and gender! From what I heard there was sex involved!" "I was talking about his girlfriend, mother!" "I don't care! This conversation is final!" "You know just as well as I do that this isn't about Two-Bit or the conversation!" "You're right! It has to do with you not acting your age or gender!" "Well I'm so sorry I'm such a disappointment to you!"
If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels; and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it. But if I where to describe it, in the simplest terms it feels like a kick in the stomach and a punch on the face, a knife stabbed across your heart and a mock behind you, seeing your entire world coming down and being held tight without being able to do anything about it. You feel completely hopeless. Like the shadows of the night have incarcerated you in a place cold and without happiness, no such luck as to find the light again.
I felt a sudden urge to punch the lieutenant. I turned to look down and gasped for air, just like if I was drowning. A pool of my own remorse. All I could think of was one thing. Why me? Why us? Damnit! Why us? So what did you mean to do, destiny? Punch me or scratch me? Or a bit a both? What did you mean to teach me? What did you gain from this death? Was I being tested and failed? Whatever the reason was I was angry at life.
They couldn't tell me this. They couldn't just burst into my house and tell me a big fat lie about my parents being dead. But it wasn't a lie, and I knew it, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise.
And my house fell into a burst of pain. Like an electric shock had been sent through it. Ponyboy started to cry. His cries were painful. Desperate. He was being tortured by emotion.
Soda let got of my arm and held Ponyboy into a warm hug, slowly rocking back and forth, telling him everything would be okay. My older brother's tears where silent and I could see the pain in his eyes. I turned around from that sight. My eyes looked around the room until they finally laid on Darry. He was looking down. His mind miles away. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do.
I close my eyes tight, waiting for all of it to go away. I could feel the heavy silence and pain on top of me. I was no longer in my living room. I was looking to hide within my fantasy. But no matter how hard I tried or how much I ran, there was no place to hide. Every where I went, I felt their presence. Like an unseen force that held me within their touch.
I gasped for air one more time. Three words echoed in my head as the last memory of my mother. "I hate you." And those words will hunt me forever until they finally catch up with me.
Be careful with your words. They truly are the worst weapon ever invented. They truly are hell.
That was the last thing I ever told my mom. And I will never get to apologize.
My mind began to wonder around. I remember last night and the night before and the night before. How happy we were. How much alive my parents where. How I didn't ruin my mother's last memory of me. I opened my eyes once again. And reality hit me with its best shot. My parents were dead.
Note From The Author: I've decided to re-do this story because, as a true writer, I feel I could do much better and go into greater detail of what happened. By the way, this story is based on an Outsiders blog. www(dot)kitkatcurtis(dot)blogspot(dot)com. If you want to check if out and find out about the new characters more deeply. Enjoy!