These scrolls and the scroll case they are enclosed in were given to me, Aonghas Cousland, by my ten year old nephew, Oren. He spent his birthday money on it.
Reflections One:
As I sit in the family atrium in the shade cast by the courtyard wall I can't help but reflect on my life. It had been six months since I had returned home from the Circle.
I had hid my abilities well, until six years ago when my brother caught me in this same garden practicing my healing on a wounded bird and it wasn't the kind that required my herbal knowledge. My brother hadn't appeared surprised and he did not yell and scream like I had expected him to. His calm words terrified me more than his threats to blister my backside for pick pocketing our guests. "Come with me, little brother," he had said. I followed him, trembling, to my mother and she smiled at us until she looked at Fergus. Her face drained of color and her calm words did nothing to calm me.
"You saw him," she asked Fergus? When he nodded she covered her face with her hands and then spoke softly. "I will speak to your father. Aonghas, please wait in your chamber for us." I had wanted to defy her. I had wanted to scream defiantly my denial of what Fergus thought he had seen. I could not in the face of my mother's obvious distress.
The wait in my room seemed endless and my twelve year old body was as restless as my mind, suddenly I looked around my room and realized there was evidence of what I had been up to nearly everywhere I looked. I had raided the library of my grandfather's books on magic and they decorated my shelves. I had also coerced others into getting more information for me under the guise of finishing my grandfather's collection. I had also accumulated books on herbalism and poison-making, the components of which littered my two tables. The trap-making stuff that filled one of my trunks and the array of armor and arms were the only things in the room that didn't shout mage. When the knock finally came at my chamber door I had worked myself up to a near frenzy and I rushed to the door and yanked it open. "I didn't do it!" I nearly screamed at my father and Fergus.
They both looked down at me with these sad faces that made me want to slap them both and my fathers stern tone made me quake in rage. "Do not raise your voice to me pup. We have been suspicious that your studies were more than that for sometime and you should not have hidden this from us." I just stood glaring my body visibly shaking my face as hot as it had ever felt. Fergus pushed passed me and began sorting through my things and putting a few of them in a large saddle bag, when I turned to prevent him my father grabbed me by the arm and pulled me around to face him. When I tried to push away from him he grabbed me by my upper arms and held me still. "You are going to the tower. I will do my best to bring you home again when you are done training, but you need to work hard and show them that you are not a threat to anyone." I did not resist my father any further as I stared into his eyes that suddenly looked old and tired and very sad.
My mind was numb for a time; I vaguely remember saying goodbye to mother, Oriana and my little nephew Oren. My father, Fergus and I had just left the gates of the castle when I yanked my horse to a stop until the two had passed me and then I set heels to the horse and headed for the nearby woods. I heard Fergus shout my name and my father order him to stop me. I could hear the thundering of just my horse's hooves at first but then slowly I started to hear Fergus' horse's hooves thundering louder and louder as he gained on me. I was furious as I realized that they had given me an older horse to ride, I was more furious at myself for not paying attention to what had been going on. When I saw movement to my left I knew Fergus had arrived. When he reached across and grabbed my horse's reins I tried to yank my horse to the side but I hadn't responded fast enough and he easily counteracted the yank with one of his own. I felt like crying when he led me back to where father waited. Neither of them said anything but Fergus attached a lead to my horse and tied it to his saddle. The ride to the tower was long and miserable. I didn't say anything and neither did they. Fergus and I waited outside the tower while my father went in. It was a long wait until my father returned with a mage and two men in full plate armor. I do not remember what happened because my mind had gone numb again. The next thing I remember clearly is sitting on my bunk with an older boy asking me my name. I think I cried myself to sleep for weeks but then I hardened my resolve and remembered my father's words. I proved to the tower I could control myself and I went through the big test and I passed and then I was forced to betray a friend and then I was home. Back at Castle Cousland I found my room striped of all evidence that I was involved in magic studies. I enjoyed getting reacquainted with everyone. Being a Cousland my training both martial and political was pounded into me at a rapid rate for the last six months as if to make up for the five and a half years I was gone.
Six whole months gone already and here I sit in the family atrium; occasionally stretching to relieve the ache of a morning of sword practice with Fergus. He had bested me again but I can tell I am getting closer to him in ability and know some day I will be able to best him. It will not be anytime soon because there has been a call to arms from King Cailan and we will be heading into battle, at least I hope I am. People go quiet when I'm around lately. I do not know if it is because of the change in my appearance that happened during my Harrowing at the Circle or because I am just the youngest Cousland and my parents want it that way. Majestic really missed me when I was gone and I thought he would never leave my side again but lately he's been up to his old tricks again. I'm so proud of his cleverness.
I was just handed a summons from my father to the throne room, so my further reflections will have to wait for a time.
Reflections Two:
Now I return to my reflections as I sit on my bed watching Majestic clean himself. I met a Grey Warden today, his name is Duncan. He seems pleasant enough but something about him sets my hair on end. I also managed to get chastised by just about everybody who means anything to me. I went to the throne room as ordered to find father in conversations with Arl Howe. That rat nosed man tried to get me interested in his daughter, as if I would want to be with his spoiled princess. And then Father tells me I'm staying home to run the Castle! Just because mother doesn't want me in danger! To be fair to her she probably worried about me all the time when I was in the circle tower. Still I want to go with Father and Fergus! Then just as I leave the throne room I am accosted by Ser Gilmore and in his usual way he managed to glue himself to my side until I did as I was asked. He even agreed to make sure I did as requested in front of my mother and her guests when she asked him to "see that it gets done." And of course he did it all in that let's be reasonable voice, which I know he learned from my father. It's that damn look they both give me too that makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable and should shape up. Then finally, after a few choice words with Nan, a slaughter of rats, and a story lecture from Nan; my mabari and I were left to our selves. I still had to deliver the message to my brother so after a quick visit to the chantry priest who chastised me as well and a quick trip to the library I headed up to the family chambers. There was mother right where I left her and of course I wasn't getting by without a private chat. She wasn't fooled by my avoidance of her questions and she made it clear that I was staying at the castle and not joining my brother and father. I was angry, I know she could tell. Then she went soft on me and I couldn't resist her gentle love that always managed to ease my anger. "I love you my dear boy."
Fergus was easier we joked a bit and expressed that we both wished I was going too and then just as I delivered the message from father my parents came in. I could tell they wanted me to leave but I just wanted to be close, but my father's suggestion that I head to bed early was backed by mother and my brother. My brother couldn't resist throwing in a jab about being sent to bed early. One last conversation with my father and a few comments about the Grey Wardens and Duncan and then I was off to do as suggested.
I was refused today. I was told that after my next birthday would be a more appropriate time for something of that nature. Two months until then. For now here I sit, alone. I'll sleep now and add to my reflections another day.
Reflections Three:
I am sitting by a camp fire on my way to Ostagar. I am angry with my parents and I am angry with Duncan and I am angry with myself. Why did I not stay and protect my parents? Why did I not make my mother come with me? Why, when I tried to turn back in the secret passage to go to their aid did I allow Duncan to stop me? His words and my parents' words had helped me make the decision to leave my parents behind. I had been conscripted into the Grey Wardens despite my objection and my father had agreed to it. I still was in shock that he would give me over to Duncan and the Grey Wardens. To save me they all claim; however, I do not consider being saved from one death and given to another to be saving someone.
As we traveled through the secret passage my mind slowly began to realize how quickly my life had been changed against my will. A moment of clarity hit me and I realized I had just abandoned my parents and I knew I had to go back for them. The passage way was narrow and the only way back to my parents was through Duncan. I tried to just push by but he pushed me back and said the most chilling words I ever heard. "Keep going or you die." The words shocked me and I couldn't tell if he meant he would kill me or going back would. Still in shock I allowed him to turn me and begin herding me along ahead of him. As we were leaving the secret passage I tried one more time to return to my parents but he grabbed me from behind by my shield harness straps and forced me onwards. I thought about drawing my sword on him, but the memory of my father lying in a pool of blood and the look on my parents faces' of love and relief that I was escaping and my fathers request to find my brother and seek revenge overwhelmed me and I found myself barely able to walk on my own.
It had been almost three days since we escaped with hardly a word exchanged between us. I could not stand the silence any longer and quietly asked Duncan to tell me about the Grey Wardens. At first he seemed guarded as he shared his adventures with me but as he spoke of his time with King Maric his words seemed not so guarded and youthfulness seemed to fill his voice. I could tell when he had revealed more to me than he meant to because he would get this shocked look on his face and stumble over his words for a moment before continuing on with the tale. ((Want to know the tale? Read 'Dragon Age: The Calling' by David Gaider; however, the story told to Aonghas is much edited)) The fact that Duncan choose to tell me his story instead of giving me details about the Grey Wardens as I had asked was telling. He was obviously trying to tell me something with the tale, perhaps showing me that even though I had been conscripted into the Grey Wardens did not mean that I wouldn't be important to the order. Further conversations with him lead me to believe he had plans for my role in the wardens.
We finally got around to talking about me and even though I had been careful to not use magic around him he knew about me. He told me point blank that he knew of all my abilities and that I must be careful not to reveal to others all my abilities until I actually became a Grey Warden. The official story at Cousland Castle was that I had been sent to squire with a distant relative and while there I contracted a sickness that altered my appearance. Very few people at the Circle Tower knew of my true identity. I was not a Cousland at the Circle, I was just another mage that learned quicker than the others and had passed my Harrowing at a young age and then got lucky to receive an appointment outside of the Circle. I knew that Duncan was trying to tell me without using specific phrases that becoming a Grey Warden would be a blessing for me, because mages are suppose to give up family ties. My family wouldn't let me go and had pulled every string they could find to have me returned home and I became an exception. It would be my guess that my one friend at the tower was used as a way to make it possible to move me out from under the templar and Chantry influence.
Even though I hear clearly what Duncan is trying to tell me I can still feel myself glaring at him and raging inside about the unfairness of it all. Six months after I was returned to my world it disintegrated around me. I knew logically that I was blaming Duncan unfairly for everything that happened but I couldn't help but confront him at times. The last time I accused him of taking me against my will and threatening that I will appeal to a higher authority to force him to release me, he asked me in that calm voice that seemed so against his nature. "Do you think that King Cailan will go against your father's wishes? If your father had refused the conscription then you would have an easy out. He agreed to it though didn't he?" It infuriated me even more that he used my own father against me. It made me feel helpless to rage against him. I would have much rather he threatened to turn me in for remaining a nobleman while being a practicing mage. I haven't spoken to Duncan much in the last couple of days but he continues to talk as if I'm responding to him. He says we will be in Ostagar tomorrow, it should be interesting. I may try to make an escape when his attention is elsewhere.
Reflection Four:
I only have a short time to reflect as Alistair is upgrading his gear with the camp Merchant. Who is Alistair? He's the most junior of the Grey Warden in Ferelden. Duncan and I arrived at Ostagar earlier today and were met by King Cailan. Cailan knew who I was even though we had never officially met. He appeared shocked and dismayed at the loss of my parents and promised to make Howe pay, but I was angered that he was unable to do anything to fix the situation immediately and upset that my brother was out of reach and I smart mouthed the King. Duncan squared off to face me even as he apologized to the King. I felt myself flush and my heart begin to pound, but the King told Duncan not to worry about it and Duncan released me from his glare. I was surprised when the King left that Duncan didn't say anything about my behavior and instead showed me further into the camp. I glanced back once as the gates to Ostagar closed behind me and the guard posted there restored the lock. Duncan left me at the edge of a long bridge and wandered off with Majestic following. I always found it strange that Majestic had taken to Duncan so readily. Duncan had told me to seek out Alistair when I was ready. I was stopped by a soldier who gave me more information about Ostagar. I was stopped by an older woman named Wynne who I was sure spotted me as a mage, and then I went straight to the Merchant and sold some older gear I had and upgraded some gear. Then I headed to meet Alistair. In hind sight I should have waited to meet up with him. I found him harassing a mage. I didn't tell him I was a mage, but he did tell me he had trained to be a templar. It seems Duncan had sent word of me ahead. Alistair knew of me but failed to remember my name. Hopefully he won't take to calling me "hey you." He's just as bad as Ser Gilmore, attaching himself to my side and following me around. The look he gave me when he saw me helping myself to a few soldier's coin pouches reminded me so much of my brother Fergus I almost laughed. He is a good source for information telling me things that Duncan had not, but still avoiding questions about the joining and the specifics of Grey Warden access to knowledge of the Darkspawn. I had met a cutpurse named Daveth who is also a recruit and Alistair seemed scornful of the man. It makes me wonder if Alistair knows how Duncan came to be a Warden. Alistair did not appear pleased when I told him I didn't care for Duncan, I probably should have kept my own counsel on that one but I could still feel a rage in my gut at Duncan for the way things had turned out. Well Alistair has his new upgraded armor now so I'm off to explore more of the camp with him in tow.
Reflections Five:
The camp was bustling with activity. I helped a prisoner by getting him food and he gave me a key he stole for a mages chest (it wouldn't be the first time I stole from others of the circle.) I helped myself to some baubles and coin, making Alistair frown each time. I tried to go in the wilds and then into the main camp but was stopped by the guards. Finally Alistair and I headed to Duncan after finding Ser Jory.
Alistair, Daveth, Ser Jory, and I were sent off into the wilds by Duncan to collect darkspawn blood and to find some ancient treaties. We got the blood and returned to Duncan only to be told to keep looking for the treaties. I had found information and signs for treasure and while the other three were busy battling darkspawn I took off on my own in search of the loot. I ran into a pack of particularly strong darkspawn and after making sure Alistair and the others had not found me yet I did battle using staff and magic. I had just found the area where the loot was when I was set upon by three more darkspawn. I had switched to sword and shield again because I had heard the others calling out to me. The four of us dispatched them easily and I collected the treasure. We took a rest at the campsite left by the darkspawn. I could feel the other three watching me with puzzled looks on their faces. Alistair asked the other two to scout around a bit, leaving him alone with me at the fire. "Aonghas Cousland, I have to ask you something. Are you a mage?" I looked up at him and saw him staring intently. "Before you answer me let me tell you that as a templar trainee we learned to spot evidence of magic use. The darkspawn you killed by the bridge had mage bolt, ice and lightning damage as well as sword damage. It was all fresh damage. When I asked you earlier why you are wearing robes you laughed it off as a nobleman's eccentric behavior. You told me you didn't like wearing armor because it hindered your movements." I looked away from Alistair refusing to answer as the other two came within earshot and he sighed and then stood, "I'll go scout a bit myself." Jory, Daveth, and I sorted through the loot and divided it up among our packs. I sat down to write in my journal while Jory and Daveth relaxed. I'm not really sure what to make of Alistair. When I tried to convince him to tell me more about the joining he refused and later I tried to threaten it out of him and he got upset and told me to back off. Being who I am I tried one more time with no luck, so I just let it go for now.
Alistair is back and he said, "Let's get a move on, shall we?" So I'll end this reflection for now and continue later.
Reflections Six:
I am a Grey Warden
After my joining I stood for a long time not moving and then Majestic barked and pawed at me so I petted him for a while. I could feel tears welling up as I reflected on the cost of me getting to this place in my life. My parents and Oriana and Oren are gone. My brother Fergus is missing. I could feel doubt creeping in on me. How could I possibly live with my losses? Suddenly I felt so alone and even though Majestic pushed himself against me trying to relieve my stress I was lost in darkness for several minutes. Finally I mentally shook myself and went to sell the loot I had found in the Wilds. Then I went to meet up with Duncan.
Alistair and I are the only two Grey Wardens left after the defeat at Ostagar. Loghain betrayed the King. Duncan, the leader of the Grey Wardens is dead and King Cailan is dead. I feel as if there is a stone sitting on my chest, even now I feel as if I'm struggling to continue on. Alistair seems content to let me run things unless my decisions go against his values. When I helped the merchant in Lothering by chasing off the people harassing him Alistair made the comment, sarcastically, that he bets I make allies everywhere I go. I had felt my face heat up and slammed on my helm to hide it.
And then a miracle happened, I found Ser Gilmore, who I was sure had died with my parents, to cover my emotions I pretended not to know him at first. He didn't find it that funny but…oh well.
I've been ignoring Alistair for the last day. We've been in Lothering for a few days now helping the village out while deciding where we should go next. Thinking of Alistair even now I begin to get angry. "I won't let that happen," he had told the Revered Mother at the chantry in Lothering. I cannot believe he did that. Here I was trying to add people to our cause, people who would fight beside us and he goes and…. Grrrr… I am so angry. I almost challenged him then but the templars were watching and the Revered Mother was already angered that I had threatened her. Alistair begged her to give us the key to Sten's cage and she did but not without a few choice comments. It's been two days since then but the tension, between Alistair and I, appears to be increasing instead of fading. I've tried to leave him at camp but he's determined to stay by my side. He asked me a few more times if I was a mage but I refused to answer. We had gone back to the chantry to learn if any more news had come and I knew when the templar in charge in Lothering mentioned that he knew I was a mage things were about to get a bit more heated between Alistair and I. It seems that the Circle Tower is in trouble. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back there yet.
We had just dispatched some poor sods who thought we would make a good bounty when Alistair stepped in front of me, I made to go around him but he grabbed me and pushed me away from the others and into the hard stones of one of the highway supports. "You're a mage?" I could tell he wasn't really asking and I didn't resist his grip on my armored arms even when his grip tightened uncomfortably. "You avoid telling me the truth all this time and then you have nothing to say to me?" Just then Ser Gilmore announced the arrival of some wolves and Alistair released me and we dealt with them. Even as we moved on to head back to camp, I knew Alistair would be on me again.
We were on our way to camp when we were set upon by assassins we killed all but one and he has now joined us, much to Alistair's displeasure. Later at camp I caught Alistair in my stuff, he wasn't even ashamed to be caught, and then he turned to face me with papers clutched in his hand. When I yelled at him and demanded to know what he thought he was doing, he answered, "I knew you were a mage. These papers show that you were assigned to the Couslands by the Circle of Magi. You should have been honest with me. All this time I was worried you were an apostate." I held out my hand not saying anything and he handed me the papers back and stalked off to finish cooking. I put my papers away and headed over to talk to Ser Gilmore. Later I talked one on one to Morrigan, Leliana, Sten, and Zevran. Morrigan and I had a nice chat even though we disagreed on a few points. Leliana seems a bit strange and I could tell there was more that she was hesitant to tell me but I didn't push her. Sten reminds me a bit of some of the older and gruffer soldiers I've known. I'm not sure he has any faith in my abilities. Not that I care what he thinks. I'll have to watch that assassin, Zevran, closely; he really got upset with my reactions to his answers to my questions. Alistair ignored me when I tried to talk to him, so I shrugged and snuck off back to Lothering by myself.
This time I made sure to stop to 'talk' with everybody in Lothering. When I returned to camp everybody was sitting around the large camp fire getting to know each other. Things got a bit quiet when I showed up, it was a feeling I had gotten use to in the six months I had been back at home, so I easily shrugged it off and helped myself to some food.
Reflections Seven:
I haven't added to my reflections for a month and a half or so. I couldn't believe when I realized I had lost my scroll case somewhere in my travels, I was devastated. Fortunately, Sandal had miraculously found it on a return trip through the area I had lost it in. I think that my time might not have been so miserable if I had had the opportunity to use my writing to examine my thoughts and feelings.
About a month and a half ago, after talking to Levi Dryden about the old Grey Warden stronghold I decided that we needed to head up towards Denerim and then over to Soldiers Peak. We tried to find the Dalish on our way through that area but were unsuccessful. I had a few things to take care of in Denerim the least of which is to check out this brother that Ser Donall mentioned. I had also found my 'stock' dwindling and decided what better place to 'stock up' than in the large city. I was sure that we could easily elude detection by Loghain's men while there.
We did find brother Genitivi's home and ran into his assistant Weylon who told us the brother had gone to an inn near Lake Calenhad. We'll make sure to check up on him when we head that way. Later than sooner because I'm still not sure I want to return to the tower. I made a few new connections and visited the Blackstone Regulars contact. A few jobs completed and we had more than enough 'stock' for the time being.
Soldier's Peak has been recovered. Alistair seemed pleased. Not that I cared what he thought at the time. I was too busy snubbing him because of how he had been treating me. I mean I knew that he hadn't agreed with some of my decisions but I couldn't believe how cold he was being towards me.
We headed on to Lake Calenhad to run a few errands but I wasn't ready to go to the tower yet. I think Alistair was surprised when I turned and walked away. It was a long way back to Denerim but after we had been attacked at the Inn by Lake Calenhad I knew we needed to talk to Weylon again. I think Alistair had wanted to head to Redcliff, but I didn't see the sense in going there without knowing if the Sacred Ashes could be found before hand. Weylon in Denerim turned out to be an imposter and now we are headed to towards Haven.
I want to avoid reflecting on my actions during our long travel between Lake Calenhad and Denerim and then between there and Haven. Let's just say I made an effort to show the worse of my talents. I spent a good amount of the remaining time making friends with everyone but Alistair.
We arrived in Haven and Ser Gilmore decided to confront me about my skill at arms and my lack of tactics. Pretty much he blamed me for him ending up unconscious on occasion, due to him having to defend me in my recklessness. I caught Alistair nodding out of the corner of my eye but he didn't say anything. And then not two steps later Sten confronted me about my tactic of; as he perceived, running away from the darkspawn. I was a bit flippant with him and he exclaimed he was taking command and to draw my sword, my heart about stopped on the spot. I was barely able to get my sword and shield out in time and the moment it took me to activate my arcane combat ability almost caused me to loose. I won but barely and Sten acknowledged my right to lead. Phew! My blood continued pumping through my veins at a rapid rate for sometime after that. I couldn't help but wonder at the fact that Ser Gilmore and Alistair just stood and watched us. I find myself wondering if they had known Sten's intentions beforehand.
We found brother Genitivi; well, rescued him more like and then sent him on his way back to Denerim. And then… Ser Gilmore just had to bring up my brother, I had been doing well up until that point on avoiding thinking of Fergus. Suddenly I could feel the rage building up inside me but I stuffed it down and we continued our search for the ashes.
I was starting to think it was pick on Aonghas day. It definitely was pick on Aonghas day, every time we ran into a new group of combatants I ended up knocked down by some type of attack. I'm starting to think leading the charge really isn't for me. Maybe I should let the others go in first. Eck, what kind of leader would I be if I stood back and let others do my fighting for me?
Sten had just told me a week before getting to Haven that I wasn't as callow as he first thought and then he goes and tells me that… Forget it I'm not going to dwell on what anybody says anymore. We successfully retrieved the ashes and then we headed to a town down below Redcliff to find this Golem I have a rod for.
I'm starting to feel like I have a sign around my neck that says, "I'm your hero, ask me for the impossible." One Golem on our side but not controlled by me.
I knew it was time to head to Redcliff to see Arl Eamon, so we went and then… Alistair… he told me who he really is and I couldn't believe it. On my case constantly about not telling him about myself and then wham he hits me with the fact that he's King Maric's bastard son. The heir to the throne! I was so angry I marched us away from the entrance to Redcliff to set up camp. I can't handle this… not only am I one of the only two remaining Grey Wardens, but now I've got a prince marching around by my side. Just bloody great! Things can't possibly get worse. Wait I was wrong, Ser Gilmore wants to train. He's been at it every time we're at camp. If only his look of disapproval didn't remind me of father, I would tell him where he can stick his… Worse and worse I tell you!
It stormed that night and I agreed to cross swords with Alistair; he and Ser Gilmore had suggested it before but I had said no each time, but now knowing that he could be our future King I felt obligated and that was before Ser Gilmore gave me that look. Alistair didn't pull out the 'I'm a prince trump card.' Which is what I would have done, because I enjoy pulling out the 'I'm a noble don't defy me card.' I think he actually has himself convinced that he isn't in a position to inherit. Alistair won the bout although he claimed the Maker had won because lightning struck near us right after he had disarmed me and laid us both out flat. I think I was hoping that some of my anger would dissipate while I fought Alistair. I was fine while I was fighting but as I lay where the lightning bolt had knocked me and stared into the cloudy sky I felt my anger give way to tears and those emotions that I had fought to hold back overcame me at last, fortunately my tears were hidden from the others by the rain.
Today we are headed into Redcliff to seek out Arl Eamon. Four days from now is the day I was born but I had made sure to tell no one and I made it clear to Ser Gilmore that I did not want the others to know. I could tell Ser Gilmore wishes I would allow him to acknowledge the day I finally hit my majority, but I want nobody to know how young I really am. Let them think I'm around twenty or so it's much easier that way.
Reflections Eight:
I couldn't see the sense in aiding the village of Redcliff. I couldn't see how it would help us any. If nothing else it endangered Alistair and I. Sten and Morrigan agreed with me which should have been my first clue that things wouldn't go well when we headed back to camp, but I hadn't counted on Alistair's interference. In the past if he needed to talk to me he would take me aside, but this time he confronted me by the camp fire.
When he stepped in front of me to block my way I had looked up into his eyes that were more cold and harsh than I had ever seen them. The tone of his voice was vicious and more firm than any he had used yet. "We need to talk. Right now." I think I ran through a range of emotions that I hadn't experience before, but I knew I didn't like being talked to like that. The fact that he did it in front of our companions and the camp followers made it all that much worse. I told him I didn't like his tone in, I have to say, a not so nice voice that I had never heard from myself. I didn't need the gasp of Ser Gilmore behind me to tell me that I may have made an error in judgment. "No? Well here's a shocker for you: I don't care. I'm going to talk and you're going to listen." I was so shocked in fact that I stood like a slack-jawed fool with my mouth agape. "You're a Grey Warden. I know you weren't one for very long before Duncan and the rest were all killed, but that didn't mean you stopped being one." I snapped my jaw shut as his words pounded against my shocked mind. "And I'm sick of the mockery you're turning it into. You, a Grey Warden? Duncan would have been disgusted. I can't believe I'm even party to this." His last words of disgust hit me hard and I knew I couldn't walk away from this. He was going to have his say and it would be in my best interest to hear him out. So I said the first line that came to mind, one that I often used when a person had perplexed me. His next words hit me like a Hurlock. "What exactly is my issue? I'm sorry, did you think I was deaf as well as blind? You think I don't know what you've been up to? Give me some credit. There's so much at stake, and you're just in it for yourself, aren't you? Unbelievable." I felt a bit of rage at this point at what I perceived his continued mistreatment of me. When I exclaimed that I hadn't asked for any of this his response shamed me, I could actually feel my face heat up and I knew that everybody could see my shame on my unnaturally pale skin. I remember what he said word for word. "So it's back to "why me," is it? Maker forbid that you were needed to do something for someone besides yourself. Has it occurred to you that you might be part of something larger? That the Grey Wardens might be a tradition worthy of upholding, even if you don't care about all the lives your saving?" His word shocked a denial out of me and his response served to further my shame. "Yes, because your motivations are clearly driven by your regard for others. With a Grey Warden like you, who needs darkspawn?" I could feel my shock fade to anger as his tirade wound down. "I guess I'll have to be satisfied with you actually helping to stop the Blight, won't I? If that's still your intention. I can't do it on my own." At this point I just wanted the whole thing over but I couldn't prevent myself from throwing one last jab at him. "Let's just go. I don't want to talk to you any more." We glared at each other for the longest time not saying anything, but suddenly I couldn't bare it any longer and I spun away from him and stormed off towards the outskirts of camp.
I was shocked that I had told him, "Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Never in my life had I had the urge to say such a cold hearted thing. I heard Ser Gilmore coming before I saw him. He stopped in front of me and we stared at each other for a long time before I lashed out at him. "I don't need your help. Why don't you just leave me alone?" Ser Gilmore backed away with a hurt look on his face and then slowly moved off back to camp.
I thought things were finished. I was considering packing my stuff and leaving Ferelden, but I couldn't help but think of Fergus. I felt like crying. I felt like screaming. I felt like killing something. And then Alistair approached. I wanted to ignore him to walk away and never look back but something held me there. I don't know if it was duty, desperation, or lack of knowing what else to do. Yet it held me to this man, my fellow grey warden, and the future king of Ferelden. When he spoke his voice had softened but even though his words apologized his tone did not. It reminded me of how he had said, "I apologize," to Duncan back in Ostagar before my joining. It was an okay let me just say this to get beyond it. I wanted to rage at him but I felt a bit numb and I just added my apology to his. We stood in silence neither looking at each other and then he spoke. I remember every word.
"Look I shouldn't have embarrassed you like that in front of everybody. I just couldn't believe you refused to help Redcliff and that collided with my bottled up anger about the way you've been acting for over a month now. We really need to work this out, Aonghas. We only have each other in all of Ferelden. People are depending on us. We need to gain the assistance of a great many people and things like helping the people of Redcliff only serve to show people that we can be relied on. In turn they will feel confident in lending us their aid. I know that the way Bann Teagan and Ser Perth talked to you upset you. People expect a Cousland to act a certain way. It's not fair to you, but it doesn't change who you are." Before I could ask him who he thought I was he told me, "You are the Grey Warden Aonghas, but that doesn't mean you stopped being the son of your father and mother. I think you want to make them proud, at least I think I see that in you. Am I wrong?"
I wanted to deny all he said. I wanted to scream and yell at him. I wanted to, Maker forgive me, smash my fist against his face as he manipulated me, but something inside me twisted and all I could do was nod and softly say, "You are not wrong."
"Right then. Let's head back to Redcliff then and help them win their battle and then help Arl Eamon. We need him to help with the blight!"
I was forced to swallow my pride more than once as I went back to Redcliff and told them all we had decided to help. Bann Teagan, Ser Perth, and even Murdock just took it in stride not saying anything to make me feel like I had done anything wrong. I knew my face was still flushed each time I talked to them. I have never in my life felt so ashamed of my actions. What was I thinking when I had chosen to walk away? Was I even thinking at all?
Nightfall is not far off and we have managed to prepare the village for the coming fight. May the Maker protect us and see us through this battle.
Reflections Nine:
We were successful in defending Redcliff village. Then Bann Teagan went alone into the castle with Isolde, leaving us to take the secret passage into the castle. Turns out Isolde had hired a blood mage to school her son in the ways of the magi; however, the blood mage had been hired to poison Arl Eamon by Loghain. When Isolde mentioned the blood mages name I fought to hide that I knew him. Once in the castle Dungeon we found Jowan. At first he didn't know me because I was in armor with helm, but he must have recognized my voice because he said my name with a gasp. I removed my helm and he stared at me and then reached his hand through the bars of the cell. I removed my gauntlets and then gripped his hand. Emotions overwhelmed us both. I released him and sent him on his way.
Connor had become possessed by a fade demon and we had to go to the Circle Tower to get the mages help. I wasn't pleased about it but at that point I couldn't just ignore what I knew had to be done. Greagoir wasn't that pleased to see me and I thought for a moment he was going to call the templars to attack. He didn't; thankfully, I wouldn't have wanted to fight the templars. The tower had been taken over by blood mages and abominations and we had to fight our way through. We ended up trapped in the fade but of course we managed to escape from there. Then we had to fight Uldred or what he had become to rescue Irving. Wynne, a mage of the tower had also been in Ostagar and she decided to join Alistair and me in battling the darkspawn. We rescued Irving and he agreed to help with the blight and to go to Redcliff to help me go into the fade to save Connor. I was successful in the fade or I wouldn't be writing this. Connor saved and we had the ashes already so it wasn't long before Eamon was back with us. Decisions were made about our next course of action. Eamon is going to put Alistair forward as King, but first we need to obtain more allies.
We were leaving the castle when I felt a wrenching in my gut and then I was in the fade again. I didn't know what to make of it, but I found my parents there and we sat down and talked. Then I lost them and I found myself wandering the fade chasing shadows and defending myself from demons. The oddest thing is that I could hear everybody talking about me, too me, and telling me stories. Even as I fought for my survival in the fade I could hear my companions talking but I began to realize that there was one voice I hadn't heard. It disturbed me and in my panic I called out to him. I knew that I had to find Alistair. I knew that if I didn't find him I would never defeat the darkspawn. So I began to panic and search through the fade calling to him and finally one day I thought I heard him and then I was sure of it. I could hear him reading to me, I sat down right where I was in the fade and closed my eyes listening to the drone of his voice. I don't know how long it was that I stayed like that but suddenly I heard him screaming at me to heal myself and to come back. I wanted to ignore the sudden urge to do as bidden but then something in me took over and I began to radiate healing within the fade hoping that it would heal my body. It must have worked because when I awoke I found myself in a bed with Alistair seated on the bed next to me with his feet propped up on a nearby chair. I poked him once and then again and the look on his face when he saw me awake was one of such relief it stirred feelings within me that I didn't know I was aware of. Here was a person who relied on me to be here in this world. I knew that if I wasn't around, his world would be much bleaker. I have a reason to live. I told everybody I didn't know what happened but I think I do. Something about the decisions that had been made with Eamon had made me feel that something wasn't right anymore; I remember feeling a sad sense of loss. I think for the briefest moment as I left the castle I wished I had died with my parents. It was this single thought that caused every previous wound I had been gifted over the years to reappear. It scares me to think a stray thought could do that to me.
I've recovered and we will be leaving Redcliff tomorrow. Anytime I start to think about what happened to me I keep hearing Alistair's voice saying the same ten words over and over again, "I need you. I can't do this on my own." There is something about these words that makes me stand up straight and raise my chin in determination. We will settle things with Loghain, we will raise our army, and the darkspawn will be defeated.
Reflections Ten:
I was perhaps naïve in thinking that things were mended between me and my fellow grey warden. We haven't talked much. He seems nicer, more pleasant, but he hasn't warmed up to me like I had expected. Could my past actions still be impacting his interaction with me? A few days ago we headed to the Frostback Mountains and Orzammar. We had stopped for the first night and Roland reminded me about the shield I had for Alistair. It was the shield Arl Eamon had given me for helping save everyone in Redcliff. I had paid a good amount of gold to have the coat of arms on it changed to the Grey Warden crest and then I added some enchantments on it. I had broken Havard's Aegis which was the shield we had obtained when we had fought our way through the tower to light the beacon in Ostagar. Alistair had taken down the ogre in the end and I had given him the shield. So he was back to using the wooden warden shield that isn't much good. When I approached Alistair with the shield I could see him looking at the shield in anticipation. When I stood before Alistair I found myself a bit tongue tied but then after a deep breath I said these words, "I broke your last shield so I figure I owe you a new one. I hope this shield will be even better than the Havard's Aegis." Alistair didn't say anything but took the offered shield and began running his hand over the metal surface. He traced the grey warden crest and then he put the shield on and drew his sword.
"Let's try it and see; cross swords with me again, Aonghas." I shook my head in the negative not wanting to fight him again. "Come now… does my new shield frighten you?" He laughed after he had said it and I laughed as well. "No? Ser Gilmore, what say you?" Ser Gilmore agreed and the two began beating on each other.
I had hoped the shield would further repair the rift between us but the next day we ran into some travelers and after we had stopped and chatted with them we moved on. They had just moved out of earshot when Alistair grabbed and slammed me into a nearby tree. "Those were refugees, Aonghas, how dare you steal from them!" I claimed not to know what he was talking about, but when he let go of me with one of his hands and used it to reach for my belt pouch I became angry and slapped his reaching hand away and then I twisted in the grip of his other hand and managed to break his hold. I had not taken two steps before he grabbed me again and slammed me into the same large tree again. "Tell me again you didn't steal from them?" At this point I was glad that I wore my father's armor instead of robes because I would have suffered serious harm from being slammed into the tree if my armor hadn't buffered me, as it is I was concerned that the armor would be dented from the impact. I have to admit I was beside myself because this wasn't the Alistair I knew. Oh sure he had grabbed me before and pushed me away from the others to have a private chat, he had even backed me into things before, but never this violent of a behavior. I didn't know if it was because we were alone or not. Zevran had gone on ahead with Majestic to scout for Loghain's men and the others were following at a slower pace with the camp followers. I could have given in at that point and admitted what I had done but a surge of anger filled me and instead I brought my own arms up between us and slammed my gauntlet covered fists into the warden commander Griffon crest on his breastplate as hard as the lack of room would allow for. The blow staggered him and ripped his hands from the grip he had on me. Quickly I slipped to the side away from the tree but he was only momentarily stunned. The roar of rage he let out made me panic a bit and I stumbled over a root of the tree. That was all the time he needed to grab me again. I felt myself spun around before I had even straightened up and he slammed me into the large tree face forward this time and I knew for sure my breastplate was dented this time because I could feel it pressing into my chest. Maker Alistair is one extremely strong man. I wasn't done fighting though and I grabbed the tree trying to push off it but Alistair growled in my ear as he pressed himself hard against me, holding me effectively against the tree. I don't know why but for some reason as I felt his breath against the side of my head the thought came to me that I wish we hadn't left our helms hanging from our saddlebags and were wearing them instead. We had been walking the horses when we came across the travelers. It was then I noticed our horses were wandering off seemly disturbed by our commotion. I warned Alistair of it but he just hissed at me to stop resisting and admit what I had done. I could feel his panting breath against my ear and I was sure I could feel him shaking in his rage. I tried to understand why he was so angered but it was beyond my shocked mind to comprehend.
"Oh, look at that your horses are making a break for it. Come Majestic let's get them." I turned scarlet as I heard Zevran speak and I became very angry at Alistair at that point. When I demanded he release me he did so with another growl and one last shove. His face was as red as mine when I turned to face him but I wasn't sure if it was still his rage that caused it or if he was embarrassed as well. We didn't speak as Zevran returned with the errant horses. I had quickly removed my gauntlets, arm, and shoulder armor but I was having a hard time unbuckling the breastplate and I was finding it difficult to breath as it pressed into my rib cage uncomfortably. Finally Alistair stepped forward and undid the buckles and helped me remove it. I could see the look of remorse on his face as he examined the damaged breast plate. We still didn't speak to each other as I removed the rest of my armor. Zevran, anticipating what I needed had brought me the saddle bag with my clothing and I stripped and then pulled on my new breeches and pulled my robe over my head letting it drop down to cover me and then I slipped into my matching enchanted leather gauntlets and boots. I had not worn the new clothing yet, it was Leliana who had picked them out for me. She had gone on and on about how they would complement my hair and eyes and how it would let people know I was somebody to pay attention to. I wasn't sure I liked it much but I had learned early not to argue with women when it comes to what to wear. I had taken the time to have the clothes enchanted but I wasn't expecting to be wearing them so soon. Zevran helped me pack up my gear as Alistair stood staring at my chest plate turning it over and over again in his hands. Zevran finally took it from him and as we strapped it to my horse Alistair took up the reins of his own horse and began walking the way we had been heading.
Camp is quiet tonight; part of the reason is Alistair's silence, but the others seem to know something is up even though I know Zevran would have told them nothing. Majestic has been watching Alistair intently for sometime occasionally whining, but Alistair seemed too lost in his own thoughts to notice. Majestic settled down next to Alistair, when the man finally settled by the fire, and he put his large head in Alistair's lap. Alistair seemed surprised and a little bit leery but when he tentatively petted the mabari and the hound settled more comfortably against him his face seemed to relax and he sat staring into the fire while gently petting the hound. Was it my place to apologize this time or Alistair's? It didn't seem to me that he was planning to anytime soon. I'm going stop writing now and return to my reflections another day. One last thing though. Ceremonial armor isn't meant to be worn to battle.
Reflections Twelve:
This reflection finds me sitting at the table in the common room of the estate that we have been given the use of while in Orzammar. The estate is rather large with enough bed chambers for all of my companions; it comes complete with a cook and maids. There is even a backyard area set up for arms practice. Last night my dream of the archdemon and the darkspawn was a particularly bad one. I woke screaming and the terror of it left me shaking. Today I feel different, almost as if a huge burden has been lifted from me. It doesn't make any sense; I still have the archdemon to contend with and I still have to gather an army. There is still Howe and Loghain to deal with. Perhaps examining the why of it is less important than just doing what I know needs to be done.
I was angry when I realized the only way I could get the dwarves to fulfill their obligation to the Grey Wardens was if they had a king on the throne. They seem to be dead locked in the assembly, unable to appoint the next King. I waited two weeks and nothing change, so we took a trip to the Circle of Magi. When we returned nothing had changed so I gave them another week but it had become clear that it is necessary for me to decide who I will help. I spoke with the representatives of both candidates and I knew I would have to make a choice. Zevran's comments about the cowardice of Harrowmont when I spoke to Dulin were what helped me make my decision. "Were I you I would seek a stronger king than this Harrowmont." So I chose to support Bhelen and now he has me running around to further prove to him I'm his man. The whole idea of it angers me but I know my duty. I need the dwarves to defeat the darkspawn. Today we are preparing to hunt down the criminals that are taking advantage of the chaos. I can't really blame them for taking advantage of the great opportunity but I have no choice but to deal with them.
Ah, here are the others back from a trip to the commons. It seems everybody has taken to shopping lately. I'll leave off this useless reflecting for now and get back to my responsibilities.
Reflection Thirteen:
When we left Orzammar I felt a confusing rush of emotions surging through me. We had spent more time in Orzammar than we had anywhere else. It was a time to regroup and steady ourselves for the times ahead. It was a time to discover more about ourselves and to learn to share more about ourselves with each other. It was a place where new love; that had been discovered in the trip between Orzammar and the Circle of Magi and back to Orzammar, grew stronger and changed everything.
I left with a renewed confidence in my abilities. It had been a hard adjustment going from being a Cousland rushing into battle at the head of the party to allowing the others to rush in first. I found it hard to stay in the background using my staff to attack enemies instead of shield and sword.
For a time I had tried to fight in clothing with shield and sword but after receiving a serious wound that laid me up for a few days Wynne and the others demanded I see reason. It's different being more of a support fighter. Wynne's teaching helped me the most in the beginning and I certainly felt better about not taking her into such dangerous situations.
Part of me still wants to wear heavy armor and hit things with my sword, but Alistair had pointed out that I didn't even have armor to wear that is suitable. I will definitely get armor at some point and wear shield and sword again but for now as we travel from place to place it makes sense to go dressed as I am; besides, Leliana always has this silly yet sweet grin on her face as she brushes dirt off my clothes after a long days travel. "You know this outfit truly suits you." I could still hear Alistair's laughter as Leliana chastised me for getting one of the leather gauntlets cut and then managing to tear it when I got caught on a tree branch; and I couldn't control my own laughter as he repaired it with a sheepish look when she took offense to his laughter. "If you think it's so funny, Alistair, you can fix it! I know you learned that skill in the monastery."
We found a Dalish tribe who needs our help against werewolves so we'll help them in hopes that, they will in turn, aid us against the blight. We were attacked at camp not to long ago so things are definitely heating up. We'll need to be much more vigilant from here on.
Reflections Fourteen:
We have all of our treaties fulfilled and after scouring Denerim for information to use against Loghain we are ready to confront him. Alistair must be made King for Ferelden's sake and Loghain must be made to pay for his crimes against King and country. I will return to this reflection after the landsmeet.
I rejoin this reflection much later than I had anticipated. I want to say things didn't turn out the way they should but that wouldn't be the whole truth. As planned Alistair will be King of Ferelden and Loghain paid for his crimes with his life. Anora had backstabbed us in the landsmeet and we were unable to get a full consensus because of it. Arl Eamon highhandedly ordered us to fight for our freedom when Loghain ordered us executed. The fighting was stopped before there were any deaths and the day was decided by one on one combat between Loghain and me. I won and I believe I would have made my family proud by my actions. I was stunned at how cold hearted Alistair seemed when he killed Loghain. I don't know why I was because I knew how Alistair felt about the man. I felt something wrench inside me as Loghain was killed in front of his own daughter. I knew something had changed about Alistair when he accepted the honor of ruling Ferelden.
So as you see things went well considering all things; however, there was one hitch to this that makes me want to rage and scream in despair. I had set out to gain the upper hand between Alistair and I months and months ago and I had been successful to a degree. I hadn't started out having strong feelings for my fellow grey warden. My plan had just been to use everything within my power to gain the upper hand and I did. I was successful for a time and then Goldanna happened and I had told Alistair that everybody is out for themselves and he should learn that. I did not see my error until later on, but it was a grievous one; that slowly ate away at the power I held over my fellow grey warden. And then… the landsmeet and after… Alistair ended our relationship moments after our triumph in the landsmeet. I couldn't and still can't believe it. I did try to talk him around to changing his mind but he apologized as he refused. I thought I was the one running things and then he turned it on me and now… it's over. Months ago when I set out to seduce Alistair I would have told people that it was just a way to gain power. Somehow my feelings became more than that. Somehow without me realizing it my adolescent heart had betrayed me. Somehow I lost everything. I don't have the time or luxury to deal with these feelings. I see the others watching me with fear in their eyes… fear that I will crack and be unable to do what I need to. I want to tell them that I am fine but they would see the lie.
You know what? After writing all of this I'm angry now! I can't believe he would do this now when everything is so dependent on us being at our best. Even as I write I can feel the rage building within me at everyone and everything. The archdemon will perish if it's the last thing I do! What does it matter what is between Alistair and I right now? One or both of us may not survive the blight, but we will defeat the archdemon first!
This may be the last reflection I ever write.
I am Aonghas; a Grey Warden of Ferelden; son of Bryce Cousland; and mage of the Circle of Magi.