To set the scene: Hermione is out of school and the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts. She is sick and tired of fending off Death Eater's at the gates and the clandestine efforts of the Dark Lord to seize control. So, she decides to be rid of Voldie once and for all. She journeys to his secret hideout (they're maps to it down at the local pub, apparently) to confront him. She finds him alone in a torch lit hall, his various underlings having gone to study Brittany Spears, because they didn't feel evil enough already.
Voldie: Come to kill me, I suppose?
Hermione: No, I've come to make a bet with you.
Voldie: Really? What did you have in mind?
Hermione: We play a game. If I win, you leave and never return. If you win, we surrender to you.
Voldie: Okay….But not Candy land
Hermione: (laughs) Candy land? What kind of an idiot plays Candy land for the fate of the world?
Voldie: Well, that's what I said but….
Hermione: I suggest we play, not the game of kings, but the game of really smart people….
Voldie: (excitedly) Jeopardy?
Hermione: No, Trebeck wouldn't spring for a guest appearance.
Voldie: (Disappointed) Fine. Who are we stuck with?
Hermione: Well….
Suddenly it gets dark and when the lights come back on Voldermort and Hermione sitting in uncomfortable looking chairs with little screens in front of them. And sitting in front of them….
Voldie: Regis? Regis Philben? I'm your biggest fan!
Hermione: (Rolls eyes)
Regis: Now, let's play Who Wants to be a Millionaire!
(A/N: I know, it's not a two person game. Just pretend)
Voldie: Just a minute. What if I don't want to be a millionaire? What do I need muggle money for?
Regis: Shut up and play.
Voldie: (Bats his eyes at Regis) Whatever you say.
Regis: (shivers) First question: What is the square root of 289? Is it A) 18 B) 12 C)17 or D) A jar of pecans.
Annoying music begins to play….
Hermione hits the little buzzer thing. Instead of buzzing it goes "Moo!" She eyes it speculatively.
Regis: Yes, Her-Herme-Hermy
Hermione: Hermione!
Regis: Whatever.
Hermione: The answer is C, seventeen.
Regis: Correct. Question two: Where is North America? A) South of South America. B) North of South America. C) In South America D) A jar of almonds?
Voldie: Why do you read everything? We can read, you know. Just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I'm illiterate!
Regis: Quiet, or I'll banish you to a fiery inferno of pain!
Voldie: Hey, I went there on vacation last year!
Regis (under his breath) That tactic usually works too. (To Voldie) Fine, in that case, don't argue with me, or I'll banish you to a lifetime of torment in a broom closet with the teletubbies for all eternity.
Voldie: (Screams like a girl) Anything but that!
The entire time Hermione has been trying to ring the buzzer to get Regis' attention, but it keeps going "Moo!"
Regis: (turns to Hermione) Yes?
Hermione: The answer is B, North of South America.
Regis: Oh, yes, that. Correct. Question three: Who is the most accomplished and most evil villain trying to take over the world at this moment? A) Brittany Spears B) Microsoft C) Voldermort or D) Artemis' Biology Professor.
Voldie (pushes the buzzer, but instead of buzzing it begins humming Christmas carols).
Regis: Yes?
Voldie: The answer is C! Me! I am the most accomplished and most evil villain trying to take over the world at this moment! Wah Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Regis: Wrong!
Voldie: What?! Of course I am!
Regis: You were defeated by a one-year-old. That's pathetic.
Hermione (smacks buzzer and it goes "Moo!")
Regis: Yes?
Hermione: The answer is D. Artemis' Biology professor. (shivers)
Regis: Wrong!
Hermione: What?! I can't be wrong! I've never been wrong before! What do you mean?
Regis: You're wrong. The correct answer was me! I am the most accomplished and most evil villain trying to take over the world at this very moment! It's all part of my diabolical plot to brainwash the helplessly stupid masses into doing my biding! Wah ha ha ha ha!
Hermione: That's not fair! It wasn't one of the choices!
Regis: There is no fair! (He pushes a button on his little control panel thing)
Hermione falls through a trap door in the floor. She finds herself in a broom closet with my ever-charming biology professor.
Hermione: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Voldie falls through another trap door and finds himself on the set of the popular children's show, Barney and Friends.
Various Happy Children: I love you, You love me……
Voldie: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Meanwhile, the various Death Eaters are watching a Brittany Spears concert in their quest to become more evil than before….
Death Eater #1: This is much too evil….I don't think I can stand it….
Death Eater #2: Hey, did ya'll hear? Voldie is history! There's this new guy…Regis. Let's go be his evil cohorts.
Others: Okay!
So Regis Philban took over the world with the help of the Death Eaters, and he rules it to this very day, and no one has noticed yet.
Disclaimer: I don't own Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I don't own Regis Philban (who will hopefully not try to hurt me for this). I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter, and I don't own Barney, telletubbies, or (thank goodness) Brittany Spear's. This has made me realize I own nothing except this lab top, and that I stole from some business guy. I am so pathetic….
Author's Note: I realized that no one has ever flamed me before. Either this means I'm good, or no one cares enough. Tell me which it is, or flame me. I'm starting to get curious as to what they look like anyway….