It all started when I didn't get my stupid god damn mother fucking coffee.
It was early morning, like 8 or something (it was early because I didn't have work). After having been rudely awakened by Johnny jumping on my skull, I went into the kitchen to get some coffee. There was none. No coffee. Harvey forgot to buy coffee. First, Johnny wakes me up early, then Harvey forgets the coffee. I was this close to fucking some serious shit up.
I got over to the kitchen table and sat down, putting my head on the table. The news was on in the next room, as was Harvey. Johnny the Faggot Prince came skipping in the damn room and sat down next to me.
"Hey, Mari," he said, smiling at me. Even his gorgeous face couldn't cheer me up that morning. I groaned, the only noise I could utter. I felt him kiss my head and heard him leave. I just stayed there, immobile. I closed my eyes, and even though I didn't fall asleep, I like, meditated or something. All of a sudden I heard a manly voice from the other room.
"Mari, get in here! You have to see this!" Harvey yelled. I groaned again and shuffled into the room, flipping myself over the couch and lying so my feet were all bent up by Harvey's shoulder and my head was draped over the arm rest, my butt in the air. Johnny was sitting on Harvey's uncomfortable and not gay lap. I sighed. This better be good. And it was… The Joker came on T.V.
"Gotham City Bank was ravaged last night by the Joker, who apparently had a new accomplice," the news guy said. I perked up and sat up, leaning forward to listen. "A young girl in a Harlequin jester suit, apparently his side kick, was seen on the Joker's arm last night, leaving the question: What happened to The Sleeper?" My mouth gaped open. I was furious. No, I was so beyond furious. If Jack was there I would have hit him on the head with a metal pipe until his brains came out his ass. I was so pissed off. So, so, so pissed off. "The Sleeper, of whom has been reportedly nicknamed "Candy" by the Joker himself, has been dubbed by Gotham citizens as the Joker's girlfriend." A picture of me with Jack came on the screen. They took it a few months ago when we first started doing jobs together. "Although she is not his sidekick like the jester girl seen last night, Gothamites are still left to wonder: Has Candy finally gone stale?"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!" I screamed, launching my foot at the television. I felt Harvey grab me and hold me back. My toe barely touched the T.V. Harvey pinned me down on the couch. I was stark-raving mad. All I could say was "He's gonna pay, that son of a bitch is gonna pay, that cunt's gonna pay, they're both gonna pay". I think the neighbors complained. I can't remember. I didn't care. I'd make them pay.
"Hey, puddin', c'mere a sec!" Harley squealed. She smiled at the Joker and he came over. "I cracked the code!" Harley pointed to the safe. The Joker smiled …at the vault full of money.
"Nice job, Harls," he said, giving her a pat on the back. She sighed dreamily as the Joker's henchmen went in and got as much money as possible. Harley stared dreamily at the Joker for a while, ignoring the fact they had a job to do. Interrupting Harley's little daydream, the sound of breaking glass perforated the room. "Hey, what in the name of…" the Joker began. The dust cleared and out of it came none other than former district attorney Harvey Dent and current super villain Two Face. Harley ran over to the Joker, looking for a safe, burly man to hide behind.
"Hello, Joker," Harvey said in a low growl. He stepped towards the two, stopping a fair distance away.
"Hey, this is my territory. I got here first!" the Joker complained. Harvey grinned and nodded his head in a slight chuckle.
"I'm not here to steal the money, Joker. I'm here to give something to your little friend," he suavely gestured at Harley, strolling over to her and handing her an envelope. In pleasant script, looking like it was written by a teenager, were the words "To Harley Quinn". Harley looked confused as Harvey walked away. Leaving the same way he came, the Joker, his new sidekick and the henchmen were left to go their way.
"Hm, that was strange. Oh, well. Come on, Harls. We got the loot," Joker said, pulling a quizzical Harley along to the getaway vehicle. As soon as the two got in the car and the Joker was preoccupied with the money, Harley opened the strange letter in a teenager's handwriting. And this is what it said:
Ms. Harley Quinn,
I believe we should have a chat, just you and me.
Meet me by the docks at 11:00 tonight.
Don't bring anyone. This is a personal matter.
Fondest Regards,
Stale
Harley pondered who this "Stale" was. She didn't know anyone who was named "Stale", or who's name resembled "Stale", and she sure as hell didn't see the news that morning. Who sent the letter didn't matter… the only thing that mattered was her attending whatever was going on tonight. She shook her head and smiled. Whoever this was, they better not have anything planned, because if they did, she would kill them. Hands down. No one could go up against Harley. No one.
I was walking. My heels made a noise on the dock as did my crinoline. I was looking out for Harley, looking out for the girl that stole my man. I saw her, but didn't speed up or slow down or anything, just kept going that same deadly slow pace. I wanted her to fear me. I knew deep down or whatever she did, because I felt the same way deep down, but I wanted to see that fucking fear in her eyes. I got closer to her and she put her hand on her hip. I was so pissed.
"Hey there, Stale," Harley said, sassy and fresh. "What're you doing around these parts?"
"Waiting for you. We have some business to discuss," I said. I couldn't help my Marissa accent this time, because I was just too mad.
"Like what? That your boyfriend doesn't love me anymore, and he loves me? Face it, sugar, you're down and out!" She laughed. No, it wasn't a laugh, it was a shriek. A fucking shriek. She shrieked in my fucking ear and I just stood there and took it. I was seething. I had a fire burning inside my throat and my knuckles were turning white. I couldn't take it anymore. She shrieked one more time and the ball of my foot got her shin. She fell to the ground. I bet Jack makes you do this too, huh?
"Now who's down, sugar?" I couldn't stop the Marissa now. It just came. I wondered briefly if this was who I really was, Marissa. Harley grit her teeth and lunged at me, pinning me to the ground. She was on top of me. Bet Jack made her do that too, huh?
"You bitch," she sneered, "I'll show you who the Joker really loves!" She raised her fist and punched me in the face. But I didn't scream. I didn't make a sound. She screamed. Know why? She didn't hold my hands down. Big mistake, Harls. I had a knife in my fishnets. I just whipped it out and when she got me, I got her. She stumbled back in pain, screaming her fucking face off. I kicked her. I stabbed her again. I stabbed her again after that. I stabbed her again after the third time. Hell, I must've stabbed her 30 times. Anything to stop her from talking. Or screaming. It was worse than Fran Drescher, that disgusting voice. Finally she shut up and I stood up. There was blood all over my dress, and my hands, and my legs, and my arms, and when I scratched my cheek I got some on there too. I was so happy. I think that was one of the happiest times in the whole year, that moment. I know, I'm a sick fuck, and killing a bitch shouldn't make me happy, but you gotta remember who we were fighting over in the first place—we were both insane. I sighed and smiled, putting the knife back in my fishnet garter stockings. And then it occurred to me: I had just murdered someone. I had to get rid of the body, duh! I didn't want to touch the cunt, so I used my foot and nudged her into the ocean using little baby kicks. After I heard the splash and saw no sign of the body, I turned around, ready to go home and tell the boys of my great conquest. But as soon as I turned around, I saw the Joker, standing there, applauding. I licked my lips and sucked them in, (you know what I mean, you probably do it all the time) and put my hands on my hips, come to think of it, like that damn Harley.
"This was your plan the whole time, wasn't it? Just some kind of test, huh? You son of a bitch," I said, shaking my head in disbelief and walking over to him. He stopped applauding and just smiled.
"Believe it or not, no. I just found Harley and decided to take her under my wing…" He walked over to me and put his arms around my bloody hips. "But I like the way things turned out. I really do." He grabbed my shoulders with one hand and dipped me down tango-style, kissing me like I so rightly deserved. I put my hands around his shoulders. He brought me back up, but we didn't stop kissing. I bet Harley never got action like that.