$900!?

I hoped that the shock resonating through my brain wasn't also broadcast across my face.

$900 for a bridesmaid's dress, and not just a dress, the first of three dresses!

A year ago my head would have exploded, but after spending countless afternoons in countless fitting rooms with what would soon be my second cousin's new mother-in-law, I'd learned to expect the worst, price-tag wise at least. Taste-wise . . . it was a toss-up. My cousin Paige, although she considers herself "high-fashion", has a taste level that runs more along the lines of . . . well, Barbie. Everything I tried on for the first three months was glittery, or sequined, or feathered or ruffled.

Frankly, I was relieved when her somewhat overbearing soon-to-be mother-in-law stepped in. My relief lasted for about five minutes, until Celia, mother-of-the-groom from Hades informed me, with a look of mild distaste, that she'd signed me up for weight-watchers and a gym membership so that I wouldn't ruin Paige's day by looking "less than perfect."

That was 50lbs and about 500 hours of cardio ago. As much as I'd wanted to slap the woman at the time, I've been enjoying my svelte size 6 self for some time now. At this point I should probably thank her. I smirked to myself as I thought of getting through all those horrible spin-classes just to spite her.

And today, as the assistant finally finished buttoning and lacing, and the curtain in front of the mirror was pulled, my mouth dropped open. The champagne colored satin and lace confection looked like it was made for me, from the sweetheart neckline and empire waist to the way the skirt had been modified until it was somewhere between a mermaid and A-line silhouette with a court length train.

Celia appeared from the hall-way and gave me a cool once-over. "Thank goodness Simon was finally able to fit you properly for lingerie. It makes all the difference."

A $300 difference. I thought to myself.

That morning a few weeks ago spent with the effeminate Simon, was at best, awkward. At least until he brought out the champagne . . . after that we had quite a bit of fun. Enough fun that I now have lingerie from designer's I can't pronounce appearing in my wardrobe on a regular basis. I've also been to several drag shows staring Si'mone LaFab. Good times. Celia has no idea.

Celia gave me a slight smile. "The well-endowed have to put forth extra effort for these sleeveless gowns that are so popular now. Believe me, I know."

I felt myself flush slightly and glanced down at my "finally" under-control cleavage. That's one area that will always be round, no matter how much cardio I do. Fortunately, it's the good kind of round. I'd forgotten about the gold sparkly corset/undies/stocking combo I was wearing under the dress. I fidgeted slightly, feeling warmer than I'd like.

I watched dazedly as ridiculously high heels were slipped onto my feet and what I prayed was heavy costume jewelry made its way around my neck, onto my wrist, and through each ear. A long champagne satin sash was pinned in place with a sparkly broach.

Dear Lord! I thought to myself. I feel like a caricature of a rich woman.

I didn't balk until someone came in with a large box and pulled out a white and gold fur cloak complete with hood and gloves, "Ooooooh, no. No-no-no-no. No! No fur!"

I was assured it was faux fur and that neither fox nor raccoon had been harmed in its making. I rolled my eyes as it was draped around me and then yelped as something stabbed me right above the collarbone. In my attempt to reach what I assumed was the offending broach or clasp or spare straight pen, my weight shifted on the impossible high heels. I took a quick step in an attempt at balance and shrieked as I went topping off the edge of the fitting podium and straight toward the huge now un-curtained mirror.

I threw my arms up in front of my face on instinct and turned my head. I heard the sound of shattering glass, but it felt like I was falling through jello. I reached out instinctively trying to get purchase. I felt a strap of some kind flit through my fingers, but I couldn't hold on. I landed with a thud everything went dark.