Summary: Liam runs Pandora Hearts Farms with his common law wife Sharon. Hired hands Xerxes, Gilbert, Oz and Alice keep the farm running in their own cracktastic way. And then the goats start getting attacked…by a chupacabra? AU CRACK.

Rating: T

Writer's Note: Here's the kink meme prompt I'm trying to fill:

"I need some crack

Life is blatantly normal on Pandora Heart Farms: Liam works hard, Gil minds Oz and Alice, Sharon makes an excellent dairy maid and Xerxes Break can usually be found reclining on haybales and chewing on grass, his large straw hat drawn down over his face as he shirks his duties. But the idyllic peace of the farm is ruined when a chupacabra starts getting into the goats at night...

Bonus points if you stick them all in ratty overalls, if Sharon occasionally throws eggs at people, and if you make it a chapter fic. :D"

This is perfect for me right now because I wanted to write a fluffy cracky LiamxBreak, OzxGil, SharonxAlice story, which is what this is probably going to end up being.

Thanks to total_alias for beta reviewing.

And yes this will be a Multichapter story.

(1)

The sun shone bright over Pandora Hearts Farms, and Liam was the first to see it. Waking at the crack of dawn was a way of life for the hard-working man. He'd been rising with the roosters since he was a small boy. He'd since grown to adulthood and inherited the farm from its previous owner, Ol' Rufus.

Now Ol' Rufus was retired with Granny Sheryl and they lived down the winding path that snaked along the river. Sheryl's granddaughter Sharon the southern-born milk maid was common law married to Liam and the two shared a typical old-fashioned sleeping arrangement – each had their own twin bed. After five years of living together this way, no children had been produced, much to their naïve confusion.

"After all, we kiss each other good night each evenin'," bemoaned Sharon, whilst squeezing the teats on a cow's udder.

"Don't worry, Miss Sharon," consoled Liam. "As it is, we've got our hands full with all these troublesome animals and lazy farm hands. Hardly a moment free to deal with children."

"Stop callin' me 'Miss'!" Sharon cried, squirting Liam with a stream of milk. "You gotta call me 'Honey' or somethin' like that! Can't you be more romantic?"

Such conversations usually sent Liam running to his friend Xerxes, who was the chief farm hand at Pandora Hearts Farms.

Liam had hired Xerxes to mind Gilbert, Oz and Alice, which he did - with a fist full of rock candy and his feet up on a hay bale.

"Gilbert-bob," sing-songed Xerxes, "have you ordered the cabbage and broccoli seeds yet?"

Gilbert grumbled, adjusted his straw hat, and then wandered toward the barn to get a fresh tin of chewing tobacco.

"That was supposed to be your job, Xerx," muttered Liam, snipping a string off his tattered overalls with the toenail clipper he kept in his pocket at all times.

"Well, now Mr. Liam, it's all about delegation!" Xerxes grinned and chewed a blade of grass. He hollered at young Alice, who was just coming out of the barn. "Alice-bob, kindly polish the scythes on the tiller, would you?"

"Was gonna, but can't find any rags, Clown," she hollered back, tying her long hair into a twisted ponytail.

"Hmm?" Xerxes looked thoughtful. "Well, Oz-bob was patching up his overalls with a rag, last I saw."

Gilbert came back into view, his cheek packed with chew, and sauntered over to Liam and Xerxes.

"Break…" Gilbert muttered to Xerxes, "You delegated the responsibility of Oz and Alice to me, so I'll be the one to order 'em around, not you."

"Eh? Well there's one less thing I need to worry about then!" Xerxes grinned. "I'll go back to living up to my last name then, and take a little 'break.'" He pulled his straw hat over his eyes and leaned back on a haybale for a nap.

to be continued!