Whispers in the Night
Disclaimer: All characters, locations and objects appearing in this fanfiction are the property of ZUN
A/N: The first chapter is a repost/update of the original story. The second chapter is new. If this fanfic turns out to be just another piece of garbage, I'll remove it. There's already too much crap on the internet.
Another lonely, uneventful day spent in the forest of magic. Another day locked inside her house, researching. Years of trial, error and recalculation, all of which could be easily avoided if...
She glances to the object on the desk beside her. The sunlight peering through her windows casts a shadow across that part of her workspace, and only that part. The focus of her interest is a simple looking black book, held closed by two ribbons and a simple lock.
Her grimoire. The grimoire of Alice Margatroid, as everyone else knows it. She, of course, knows the real name of the book, but never dares to speak it aloud.
She has only opened it once, and in that short time, it augmented her power to ludicrous proportions... and she had been defeated. Part of her reinforced the idea that abusing the book's power to crush her enemies wouldn't teach her anything about strategy.
Part of her was afraid. When she allowed the powers seeping from the book to flow through her body, she knew that it wasn't magic...
.
Dark secrets lurk between the unseen pages.
.
Of course, the grimoire had many other uses. She wouldn't have bothered acquiring it if she was never going to do anything with it. In addition to its destructive gifts, its pages contained a wide variety of advanced magical formulae, spells and lore that mortal minds were not meant to grasp.
Alice had already spent years researching how to create independent dolls. She may spend years more... or minutes, if she dared peek between the pages of that locked tome.
Perhaps it was the tedium of another day of silent research, or the lack of a recent major incident, or just plain boredom. Perhaps her curiosity had finally gotten the better of her. Overall, the reason wouldn't matter in the long run.
For a few minutes, she simply stared at the locked book. Apprehension filled her thoughts, intermixed with silence and doubt. Knowledge can be a very dangerous, addictive substance.
Temptation defeated caution. She unlocked and opened the grimoire.
Resisting the temptation to read over everything she saw was an almost impossible task, but she managed it. She found several pages dedicated to summoning, binding and independent motion; all of which called for reagents and techniques not at her disposal. She continued to read, determined to glean as much information as she could before-
Before what? There was an unusual aura in the room now, but nothing else had happened. She assumed that prolonged exposure to the opened grimoire would have serious consequences, but nothing had happened. Nothing continued to happen. She kept reading.
She lost track of time. Hours peeled away while she searched through the dark secrets contained within her grimoire.
.
She kept reading.
.
She felt a tinge of hunger. Odd, considering that she no longer needed to eat. This was nothing new, there were a few times before where she had craved the occasional dish. She could ignore this for now, it wasn't important.
.
She kept reading...
Chapter 1: Tainted skein of a wandering mind.
The final curtain starts to fall and darkness overtakes her senses. She thought she was too old to cry, but it's happening. She isn't afraid. They're tears of joy. A silent aquatic testament to the centuries she's endured alone.
There's a light in the blackness. A person she used to know. A person who said she'd be waiting. The light brightens as it draws closer. So close. So warm. She can almost see her face...
.
Death.
.
In the end, they're together again. All the pain is gone. She doesn't have to endure the daily struggle against those once lovely, now haunting memories. They're happy. They're young again. It's going to be okay.
...
900 years ago
.
Morning. It had to happen in the morning, didn't it? She would never enjoy a morning again. Not after this.
This was the last day that they would wake up together.
Her lover tenderly reaches up from the bed, caressing her face one last time. Her eyes are already starting to darken. They both know it's coming.
"Don't cry, Alice. I'll wait for you."
"It'll be a long time."
"Nah... if someone tries to make me move on, I'll just master spark 'em..."
They gaze into each other's eyes one last time. One final moment, an endless, painful moment that neither of them want to end because neither of them want to move on. In that moment comes the needle of regret, a precise strike to the heart for all the time they neglected.
She closes her eyes, with a smile on her face.
Silence fills the room. The hand on Alice's cheek slowly slides down to the bed. This memory will be forever burned into her memory.
She can't hold it in anymore. She's crying, more than she ever has before or ever will again. The bed sheets are damp before long, and even when she notices, she doesn't stop or care. Every time she looks up, she sees that smiling face. Like a warm dagger to her soul. The psychological pain bursts forth from deep within her soul, threatening to claw down her mind with grief.
"Marisa..." Alice clutches her own chest, above her heart. A heart that hasn't beaten since she let go of her humanity. If she'd ever wanted to feel a heartbeat, there was always Marisa's.
.
Until this moment.
.
"Marisa... don't leave me alone... please don't leave me alone..."
...
960 years ago.
They're sitting on the porch, watching the sunrise. Holding hands, reminiscing about how they've changed and how they haven't. It's warm outside and they're leaning against each other for support.
"You know, I'm looking forward to it." Marisa says as she uses her index finger to push up the brim of her hat. "Growing old together."
"That's easy for you to say. I'll outlive you."
They share a tender kiss.
"You worry too much, Alice. Everything will be okay."
"You know, it really isn't that difficult...," She says as she looks towards the horizon. "Don't you have something to live for?"
"Don't you have something to die for?"
This brief venture into darker territory has earned Alice an affectionate snuggle from Marisa.
"That's decades away. You need to learn to be happy with what you've got."
"Maybe you're right... Besides, I'll have to plan out how I'm going to give back everything you've stolen."
"Fair's fair. I did say they could have their stuff back when I'm dead."
"It would help if you stopped stealing." Alice deadpanned.
"It sure would!"
They share a hearty laugh together. Nothing else is said between them until nightfall.
.
Nothing else needs to be said.
.
...
970 years ago.
Their wedding day. Easily the happiest day of their lives.
A sizeable donation ensured it would be held at the hakurei shrine and that Reimu would be the one to marry them.
.
"... till death do you part..."
.
The proposals had been rather embarrassing. Both of them, independently of the other, had worked up the courage to propose, on the very same day, at the very same time. A duality of such joy followed that neither of them would ever forget it.
Shortly afterward, they had a brief argument over who would get to wear the dress. Both of them.
Everyone they knew had shown up. Some of them had been encouraged by the free food, especially the cake. Extensive security measures were in play to stop Yuyuko from getting to it first.
All in all, none of that really mattered. This was a celebration for them, everybody else was secondary. On this day, they embraced their union. The beginning of their life together and a future neither of them were overly concerned with. They believed that everything would work itself out, as long as they cherished their time together.
...
980 years ago.
Major incidents always brought them closer together. Either during the event, or after. Marisa got more powerful as she aged, but she also slowed down. She found herself being hit more often and her injuries steadily became more severe.
Being neighbours, Alice was always nearby to patch her up. Crafting dolls had given her a lot of practice with stitches.
They spent more and more time together. People started to comment on this, but they were largely oblivious.
Ironically, looking back, neither of them remembered the events leading up to their first kiss. It just happened, and they were left to stare at each other in awkward silence. Their faces a deep crimson. Slowly losing themselves in the other's eyes.
After that, they spent almost all of their time together.
It was autumn. Alice was resting against a tree. Marisa had fallen asleep on her shoulder. Moments like this were what Alice would remember best. A tiny part of her mind hoped that she wouldn't have these memories tainted by Marisa's passing. She pushed that miniscule, annoying, depressing thought far away and buried it. It would be a very, very long time before she had to deal with it again.
In that moment, Alice asked herself a very important question; if she could do it all again, would she?
The immediate, undisputed answer is yes. Despite everything she knows she'll have to endure, the small portion of her life spent with Marisa is worth dying for.
...
...
And the dance begins again.
...
...
It's happening again. Just like it did before.
This moment she shouldn't be able to remember.
A second chance at another life, happening in reverse.
.
The second happiest moment of her life. She knows that when she closes her eyes, she'll never open them again. She knows Marisa is waiting for her. She isn't afraid to die.
Those centuries spent apart are always the hardest. There were many times where she wondered if ending it would be a good idea, but she always stopped herself. No matter how much the pain threatened to crush her being, she owed it to Marisa, to herself to at least try and be happy.
.
It's cold. A familiar, frightening, welcoming cold.
.
She closes her eyes and lets herself dirt off into the sunset. She's only alone for a second. A bright, loving light greets her departure from the mortal coil. The person she could barely live without. The person who's been patiently waiting for her long-delayed arrival.
All the pain is gone, because they're with each other.
.
Again.
.
...
900 years ago, second dance.
This is always the hardest part, but it's a little less painful than last time.
It was going to happen in the evening. Just like before, waking up after this point would always bring her to the verge of tears. She's always hated going to sleep alone.
Marisa is smiling at her. It's the same smile she had at their wedding. A priceless expression that even time can't ruin. Alice wants to remember it. Soon, she'll want to forget, and she'll hate herself for that.
Marisa reaches up and softly caresses her cheek. Only then does Alice realise that she's been crying.
"Alice. I love you. Always remember that."
"Please don't go."
"Sorry. I don't have much of a choice. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait for you."
A moment of silent regret passed between them. It's their last regret, but not their last moment.
"I know. I'll try my best. I owe it to both of us to try and live a happy..." She can't hold back any longer, the tears come rushing out. "... who am I kidding. I'm going to miss you. A lot. More than ever, more than anything else. Sometimes the pain will be so great that I'll lock myself away for weeks..."
"Well, damn. If you're going to be so depressed, just kill yourself and get it over with."
"No. I'm better than that."
Marisa gets to see Alice smile, one last time.
"Damn right you are! Don't let life's obstacles drag you down..."
"I wish you didn't have to go."
.
Once again, she went out with a smile.
.
...
970 years ago, second dance.
Sunset, on a hilltop, beneath the tree under which they shared their first real moment together.
"Do you remember, Marisa?"
"Huh? Remember what?"
"Nothing."
"You're acting strange, Alice."
"I feel fine. I feel better than I have in a long time. I know that, no matter what the future brings, I can endure."
Using her index finger, Marisa lifts the brim of her hat. She gives Alice a quizzical look.
"What's got you so worked up? We don't have to worry about the future for a long time."
"I'm thinking about the present."
Shanghai floats through the encroaching dusk, carrying a small black box. Her approach is hidden by the shadows. Marisa remains oblivious until she sees Alice shift her position to one knee.
"Marisa..."
"Whoa, hold on. Are you-"
"Will you marry me?"
.
Speechless.
.
"... only if I get to wear the dress."
"Can't we both?"
"Oh, yeah! I didn't think of that. Sure... who'll perform the ceremony?"
"Reimu."
"She'll want a big donation for that."
"I'm sure we can cover it. Together."
"Together."
...
980 years ago, second dance.
Even before the major incidents, they spent a lot of time together. Nobody else took any serious interest, but they knew something special was developing between them. Naturally, it took time for their feelings to bloom, but it was for the best. They would both look back on this time and remember it fondly.
The irony is astounding. They can't remember their first kiss. One of their most important moments together, and neither of them can remember it clearly. Probably because neither of them need to. It isn't the moment that was important, but the feelings they felt as they were left to stare at each other in awkward silence. Their faces a deep crimson. Slowly losing themselves in the other's eyes.
After that, they were nigh inseparable.
Sunset, on a hilltop, beneath a tree.
They've been silent the entire time, watching the sunset, resting on each other. The moment itself was enough. They didn't feel the need to say anything, until now.
"Alice, I really enjoy our time together."
"So do I."
"You know, I care about you a lot. I... maybe... I might even..."
.
Inspiration. It comes from experience she shouldn't know. Knowledge she shouldn't use.
Is it wrong? She asks herself.
No, she answers. Even if it's only once, they both deserve a happy ending.
.
"No." Alice whispers, almost unable to believe what she's saying.
"No, what?"
Alice turns to hide her face. She's lying through her teeth, and she'll never be able to do this if Marisa sees that.
"I refuse to fall in love with a human."
"Aw, really? We could have a lot of fun together."
"If you live to be 100 and I live to be 1000, I'll have to carry on without you for 900 years, during which time I'd know that I would never be as happy as I was with you. So, no. I'm not falling in love with a human. I'd be needlessly making myself suffer in the long run."
They both know that this doesn't sound like something she'd say, but neither of them call attention to it.
"I'd wait for you."
"Nobody knows what happens after death. I'd rather enjoy the time that I know I'll have."
Using her thumb and index finger, Marisa lowers the brim of her hat.
"Ah, Alice... why do you have to be like that? ... damn. Growing up sucks, but I guess even I have to do some maturing."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, nothing. But that reminds me, I have something very important to do. I'll drop by later."
.
In the vast library beneath the scarlet mansion, a knock is heard echoing from the ancient door. No response is given, so Marisa does the logical thing and blasts the door off its hinges.
"Patchy! Good news!" She exclaims with a volume that could only come from someone who's bested the guards. Patchouli Knowledge scrambles towards the door, already preparing spells to protect her precious books.
"Marisa! How did you get in here!"
"I distracted Meiling with a pie."
The triumphant smile shining from her face is almost sickening. Almost.
"Sakuya?"
"Pie."
"And you demolished my door to brag about becoming a youkai?"
"Yup. Cheer up, Patchy. I'm not taking any books with me. This time."
...
...
And the dance begins again.
...
...
It's happening again. Beginning at the end and ending at the beginning.
It doesn't matter.
It never really did.
A new cycle, a new story told backwards...
Another ending...
.
In that moment of oblivion before the new cycle begins at the end, she senses it. A trickle of inspiration, leaking through the unseen boundaries between the dreamscape. It's here, changing the story before it begins.
That choice.
Did she influence it, or was it her unspoken desire?
Does it matter?
.
The end draws closer. This time, it's painless. Their time together has been akin to a fantasy. Neither of them would trade any part of it.
They're both here. Embracing for the final time as the night comes. They close their eyes, knowing they'll never open them again.
She didn't have to wait this time. She didn't have to lose a little of herself to the yawning void of loneliness every day.
.
Today.
This time.
This moment.
This second.
.
They go together.
.
...
970 years ago, third dance.
Nightfall, outside the hakurei shrine. They found an opportunity to spend some time together and took it, retreating to the shadows. Everyone else was inside celebrating. Surely their temporary absence would go unnoticed.
"Aren't you worried about the future?"
"Nah. That's a problem for future Marisa to deal with, and she's smarter and more powerful than me, so she'll figure it out quick... and if she can't, then just having you with me will be enough."
"Then, yes-" Alice can't hold back and breaks into a smile. That genuine smile she's only ever shown Marisa. "- I'll marry you, Marisa."
"Phew! For a second there, I thought- wait. Who gets to wear the dress?"
"Both of us."
"Awesome."
They share a passionate kiss beneath the cloak of the night and then return to the shrine. A kiss they'll remember.
They join the other guests in the festivities. Drinking and dancing the night away. Alice doesn't hold back this time - maybe the sake is helping - and announces their engagement. It's out of character for her, but nobody minds. Calling attention to the fact would ruin the moment, and nobody wants to spoil it for them.
...
980 years ago, third dance.
They felt a connection the moment they met, but it took a few years for them to understand it.
They spent all their time together. People talked about it, but they didn't listen. They didn't bother hiding their feelings for one another. They faced their hardships together, intent on letting nothing but death stop them.
Nightfall, on a hilltop, beneath a tree. They're tired from the day's events, but were still able to make time to watch the stars together.
It's peaceful like this, resting on each other, gazing at the heavens with not a care in the world. As if it were a dream come true.
"Alice..." Marisa says, but her voice sounds far away.
"Yes?"
"This is like a dream."
They're right beside each other, but their voices sound so distant.
"Isn't it wonderful?"
"... and if it was a dream..."
.
She feels lucid, as if she's just now become aware that something about her world, her fantasy, is corrupted. She has the sudden, inexplicable feeling that she isn't listening to Marisa. Maybe she's dreaming, and it's her subconscious speaking to her? Maybe she's dreaming.
Maybe she's dreaming...
.
"...how would you wake up?"
.
Her eyes snap open, but she can't see. Everything's blurry.
"It was just a nightmare." She tells herself, as she searches her house for someone she desperately hopes is nearby...
.
She's alone.
.
Sorrow of the unrequited; it wells up within her and spills into her consciousness like a geyser.
.
It was all just a dream.
Dreaming backwards, experiencing every second of every moment of over 1000 years.
It was all just a dream.
Then why is the pain so real?
.
For just a moment, she's crippled. Physically fine, but emotionally destroyed. Does one feel grief for a world that never was? Is it wrong to dwell on a fantasy? Each second felt so real that they had easily, readily been mistaken for reality. Yet the memory is already fading into obscurity, dissolving in the wake of the waking world.
As with any wound, she will endure and recover, as she always has.
.
She's in her study. It's night. Silence lurks beyond the windows. Silence waits within the house. The only noise comes from her heavy breathing.
A mischievous beam of moonlight filters through the window, illuminating nothing else but her open grimoire. The room is naught but a blend of shadows, that book in the moonbeam is the only exception. She remembers opening it, sifting through knowledge mortal minds were not meant to grasp in search of some obscure answers that eluded her.
She doesn't even remember what she was looking for, or how long she spent reading. She barely remembers the dream she just had, but she knows how real it felt.
The night sky is an obvious clue. She must have fallen asleep, she thinks.
"Just a bad dream. Just a bad dream... Just a bad dream."
She wonders why she's reassuring herself. At any rate, her study is a poor place to rest. She was only awakened moments ago, and already she feels exhausted. Without a second thought, she retreats to her bedroom.
She casts a forlorn look around her empty room. At her empty bed.
Then she returns to the comfort beneath the covers. Maybe, just maybe, she can find that dream again...