As the summery says, this is more or less a crack fic, written to entertain a friend. So I decided to put it online in the hopes that it might entertain a few of you as well. Please, enjoy.

A Source of Comfort

Artemis blinked his eyes, trying to restore moisture to them. He had been staring at his computer for what felt like hours, working on an article for Physics UK, an international science publication. He glanced at the clock beside his computer, and was surprised to see that it was after midnight. It was no wonder he felt as though he had been working for several hours—he had begun the essay much earlier that evening.

He leaned back in his chair, suddenly exhausted. It had been extremely difficult to begin writing, but once he had started, it had been much easier to continue. Not that the subject matter was difficult—by Artemis' reckoning it was positively simple. The reason it had been so difficult was that this was his first submission for publication of any kind since…since he had lost his mother almost three years ago.

He still had trouble believing it. Angeline Fowl, who had survived a severe battle with depression and an attack from an insane fairy, had died in an ordinary plane crash. She and Juliet had been returning from a visit to a spa in southern France, when a problem with the guidance system had brought their plane crashing to the ground. There were no survivors.

At first, none of the remaining members of the family had known how they were going to go on, now that it felt as though the family had lost its most essential piece. Gradually, though, they had limped on. Artemis' father had retired, deciding to spend all of his time with his children. His presence had been a source of comfort for his three young sons, and together, they had begun to find a way to live on.

Another powerful source of comfort in Artemis' life was his beautiful and brilliant long time girlfriend, Minerva Paradizo. Only a few weeks before the plane crash, Artemis and Minerva had decided that a romantic relationship would be mutually beneficial. After all, each saw the other as one of their few intellectual equals. It had seemed inevitable that they would get together.

Artemis smiled to himself. Minerva was a really wonderful girlfriend. They had had many wonderfully complex intellectual discussions which few others would have been able to keep up with. She was the only one who could always give him a run for his money at chess, and the only one who got all his jokes. They were similar in many ways. After his mother died, Artemis wouldn't have blamed her if she had decided to end their relationship. That was a lot for a young romance to have to deal with. However, she had stuck it out with him, and been very sensitive. She respected his need for space by refraining from calling for long periods. She never pushed him to talk about his feelings. She never even asked—she just let him wait until he was ready. Even when she was visiting, she respected his need for solitude. When she sensed that he needed to be alone, she let him be, and went to spend time with his family instead. He was glad she got along so well with his father and brothers. It was a good sign for the future, when she might very well be spending a lot more time around his family.

Artemis rubbed his tired eyes. His thoughts about Minerva had reminded him that she would be arriving for a visit the next morning. He should probably get some sleep. Tomorrow, when his girlfriend arrived, she could look over the work he'd done to make sure it was all right for publication.

Just before Artemis snapped the lid of him computer shut, he looked at the second line, and smiled to himself again. It read, "Written by Artemis Fowl II." The content of the article wasn't really important (though, it was of course, a masterpiece of scientific innovation and oratory skill). What was important was that he was writing at all. To Artemis, this seemed like the final step in his rejoining the world after the terrible loss he had suffered. And this time, he wasn't hiding behind a clever pun or a witty pseudonym. He would enter back into the world of the living as himself.

After shutting down his computer, Artemis decided that he should try to finish his letter to Butler before he went to sleep. Butler, like his father, had decided to retire. He had gone to live in a secluded coastal village. It was so secluded, in fact, that it was without internet or phone service. Even if Butler had brought a cell phone, it wouldn't have gotten any kind of signal. Therefore, the only way to keep in touch with his ex-body guard was to use the ordinary post. Over the past three years, he and Butler had exchanged frequent letters, and these letters were yet another source of comfort that had gotten Artemis though an extremely difficult and painful time. Butler told him about fishing and gardening and other such everyday things that gave Artemis a sense of calm. In his latest letter, Butler had written about a summer's festival that was to be held in the town the next week.

Before Artemis had gotten very far in his reply, however, there was a soft knock at the door. Artemis Fowl senior leaned in. "Arty," he began. "I wasn't sure you'd still be up. Do you mind if I come in?"

"No, please," Artemis answered, gesturing for his father to enter. Artemis senior came into the room, and sat on the edge of Artemis' bed, looking at his son. "There is something we need to talk about, son," he said.

"All right," Artemis answered. He was slightly concerned at his father's tone. His face was filled with anxiety. He also seemed to be alternating looking over Artemis' shoulder and down at his own lap, avoiding his son's gaze.

His father took a deep breath, and began, "Arty. Son. You know how difficult it was. For all of us. After—after we lost your mother. I know it was probably roughest on you kids. That was a big part of the reason I decided to stay home with you three—I wanted to be here for you all, to help you though."

"And we appreciate all you've done for us, father. Your presence has been a great comfort," Artemis said. Genius that he was, Artemis was starting to develop a vague inkling of where his father was going for this, and didn't want to make it more awkward for him then it already was. "We appreciate the sacrifices you've made."

"And I was glad to make them," Artemis the elder answered, giving his son a small smile. "But that's only part of the reason that I decided to stay at home. The truth is, I think I needed the three of you as much as you needed me. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to go on alone."

Artemis' father stopped for a long moment. Artemis nodded to encourage his father to speak on, even though he was becoming slightly nervous about the course this conversation was taking.

Artemis senior began again. "You know, there was a time—a long time—after Angeline died, that I never thought I would feel happy again. It was like all the joy had gone out of the world. I knew—I knew—no other woman could ever bring me one tenth of the happiness your mother brought me." He stopped again, and took a deep breath, as though stealing himself for a difficult task. By now, Artemis knew what was coming, but he kept silent and let his father go on. "But, Arty, I think I might have found someone. I think I've met a woman with whom I can begin to be happy again. No one could replace your mother, not ever, not at all. I know that. But I've met someone who brings back just a little bit of the joy your mother brought me every day. I know it's soon, I know, but son, I really like this woman. She has been a great source of comfort to me. I really care about her, and I—" Artemis senior looked up into his son's shocked face, and sputtered into silence.

Though Artemis had known that this was coming, he still had trouble taking it in. He sat there, quietly shocked for a long moment, before pulling himself together. He would try to be open about this.

"When did you meet her? When did you get to know her? You've spent most of your time here with us."

"Well, we've found some time to spend together. We've spent a lot of time talking to one another on the phone, and online."

Artemis was still somewhat unhappy with this idea. "It's so soon, father."

"I know, I know. I never intended for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love three years after losing the love of my life. But it did happen. I love her, son. I think there's a chance that with her, I could one day find happiness again. Can you forgive me?"

Artemis sighed. Of course he wanted his father to be happy. After all the unhappiness he had suffered, he deserved some joy in his life. "Forgive you? You don't need forgiveness for wanting to be happy. Don't worry; I shall keep an open mind when I meet her." Artemis was surprised and more than a little concerned when his father didn't look relieved at these words, but rather he looked even more apprehensive.

"I hope that's true, son, because that's what I really came to talk to you about. You have met her. Artemis—son—it's—it's Minerva."

Artemis' jaw dropped. For the first time in his life, all coherent thought in his mind ceased. Horror and fury coursed through him in equal measure, paralyzing him for a full minute. He could not believe what he was hearing. Eventually, he managed, in a growl that was almost too quiet to hear, "What do you mean, 'It's Minerva?"

"I mean, Minerva and I..."

"Minerva Paradizo."

"Yes. She and I—we are in love."

Artemis tone was rising now. "In love. You and my girlfriend are in love." Artemis couldn't believe this was happening. It had to be some sort of tasteless joke. He searched his father's face desperately for a sign that he didn't mean what he said. He couldn't find one.

"Son, please, don't get angry. You don't understand."

"Angry? I don't understand? I don't understand what? How you could possibly think that the best way to go about getting over missing my mother was to have a go at my girlfriend?"
For some reason, that seemed to annoy his father. "Artemis, Minerva is an adult…"

"Barely!" Artemis was shouting now. "She's a year younger than me!"

Artemis senior continued to speak, shouting over his son. "Minerva is an adult, who made her own decision. She chose to accept my proposal. We…"

Artemis interrupted again. "Proposal? You're getting married? What the hell are you thinking?"

"Son, please! We've thought this through! We really care about each other, and we really care about you, and we both really want you to be all right with this."

For the second time in only a few minutes, Artemis's fury made him speechless. He suddenly found himself on his feet. As soon as he had regained his voice, he began in a deceptively calm tone, "You know, what really infuriates me isn't the fact that you want to marry a woman three years after my mother died, or the fact that she's younger than me, or even the fact that I just so happen to be dating her myself."

"It isn't?" Asked Artemis senior, confused.

"No. It's all three of those things put together!" Artemis bellowed. "How could I possibly be all right with this? This is so wrong, father. No, wait. It's beyond wrong. This is sick!"

Artemis senior frowned, standing up so that he was at eye level with his furious son. "I think you're being kind of unreasonable here, son. Doesn't my happiness—not to mention Minerva's happiness—mean anything to you?"

Artemis stared. He couldn't believe his father had the gall to ask him that. "Get out!" he roared at a volume that shook the walls. His father stumbled back, toward the open door. When he reached it, he turned back around, and said, "We'll talk again when you've calmed down."

"GET OUT!" Artemis shouted again. His father's face quickly disappeared behind the closed door.

The next morning, Artemis was awoken by a sharp knock at his door. For a moment, he couldn't remember why his heart felt so heavy. Then, the previous night's events came rushing back. As soon as the memory of his father's and Minerva's betrayal returned, the fury and pain began to boil up in him again. After his father had left the night before, Artemis had prowled around his room. He tried to distract himself with one task after another, but he couldn't make his mind settle to anything. Sleep eluded him. Every time he closed his eyes, he couldn't keep himself from envisioning Minerva and his father enveloped in each other's arms. How long had they been sneaking around behind his back? How could they do this to him? How could they just spit on his mother's memory like this?

Around dawn, Artemis had fallen into a fitful dose in his desk chair, a bitter taste in his mouth. He was awoken again after just over an hour. As he tried to rub the exhaustion from his eyes, the rapping knock came again. Artemis stood groggily too his feet, and staggered over to the door. Before he reached it, however, it banged open, and in walked the last person Artemis wanted to see. He would rather have seen Opal Koboi march into his room than see Minerva Paradizo stride through his door. She was an extraordinarily beautiful young woman, with a perfectly shaped, voluptuous figure, trendy clothes perfectly suited to her, and long, blond curls that cascaded down past her shoulders. Artemis couldn't stand the sight of her.

"What do you want?" Artemis snapped, turning away from her and walking back to his desk.

"Artemis. We need to talk."

"You don't say." Artemis' voice dripped with sarcasm.

Minerva sat on the edge of his bed, just where his father had sat the night before. "Your father told me about your argument."

"Did he?" Artemis glowered. So, he had talked to her all ready, had he? Of course he had. They talked about everything. He knew now, all the time Minerva had let him alone during her visits, she was talking to him. Each day she had refrained from calling him, she was probably calling his father.

Minerva sighed in a patronizing way that set Artemis' teeth on edge. "You really shouldn't have said what you did to your father. You really hurt him."

"I hurt him?" Artemis sputtered, turning back around to face Minerva. "I hurt him? After what he—after what you both did to me? And where do you get off talking like my mother?"

Minerva ignored his last sentence. "Oh, Artemis, really. Your father said you were taking the news poorly, but I never expected you to be so irrational about this."

"Irrational!" Exclaimed Artemis, leaping to his feet. "Well, I suppose the adult thing to do would be to run off with someone twice my age! How about your father—do you know if he has any plans this weekend?"

Minerva stood too. "Artemis, you are being ridiculous. We didn't do this to you. We did it for us. Because it was what we wanted. I make him happy, and we love one another."

Artemis snorted derisively. Minerva went on, "It's true! Our feelings are genuine, Artemis. This is happening, even if you don't want to admit it. Why can't you accept it? Why can't you just be all right with us?"

"All right!" Artemis shouted. His mouth opened and closed for a moment as he tried to form words through his fury. He walked away from her across his room, taking deep breaths, trying to lower his heart rate. Finally, he turned back to Minerva. "How could I possibly be all right with this? Minerva, you cheated on me with my father. Cheating on me with a complete stranger would have been bad, but this—how could you both betray me like this?" Artemis saw that there were tears in Minerva's eyes, but this time, he would not be swayed. Looking at her now, Artemis could remember many times when Minerva had brought out tears when she sensed that a conversation was not going her way. How had he never noticed this pattern before now?

Minerva stomped over to him in her trendy heals. "'Betrayed' you? 'Cheated on' you? Artemis! You are talking as though you are not at fault at all in this situation!"

Artemis' jaw dropped. "Are you saying that any part of this is my fault?"

"Yes! Yes, I am! I've never gotten what I really wanted from you! I have needs, Artemis!"

"Needs? I really don't want to hear about this!" Artemis turned away from her, and walked out into the hallway. Minerva chased after him, and grabbed his arm.

"That isn't what I meant! I mean, he talks to me! He tells me how he feels! He communicates with me! That's something you never did! You never let me in!"

Artemis spun around. How could she say that? "I never communicated with you? We never talked? That's because you were never around! You told me it was ok that I didn't want to talk, and then you left me alone! Even when I wanted to talk, you still weren't around! I honestly thought you were just trying to give me space when you ignored me during your visits, didn't call me for months at a time, and never answered half my emails!"

Minerva looked taken aback. "Artemis…"

"But you were just mad because I wasn't giving you enough attention!"

Minerva spoke in a quiet, contrite voice. "You—you mean, you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes, I think maybe I did! I just thought that—that you didn't want to hear it!" As Artemis spoke, he saw the truth of his words. He wondered how he had been so blind to all of this until this moment. He went on, "And lately, even when I've tried to talk, it felt like you weren't listening! But I guess that's because you would rather listen to my father—"

Minerva put a gentle hand on his arm, interrupting his shouting. "I did not know you felt that way." Artemis stared at her. She has a strange expression on her face. She slowly moved her hands up to his shoulders. "You're right. You're so right, I'm sorry. But, Artemis—" She leaned ever so slightly closer to him. "I'm listening now. We could talk…"

Artemis slapped her arms away. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I—I…"

"Did you honestly think I would want you back after everything you've done?"

Minerva stepped back, suddenly flustered. "That's not—I wasn't—I—How—how dare you even suggest that? That is so egotistical of you! I only wanted to show you that I care about you, since I'm soon going to be your—your…"

"Mummy?" finished Artemis.

Minerva burst into angry tears. "How can you be so childish!" she shrieked, and fled down the hallway.

Artemis began walking quickly in the other direction. How dare she? How could they both do this to him? By now, Minerva would have found his father. She would tell him, through her tears, all the cruel, heartless words that horrid Artemis had said. His father would sympathize, comfort her.

He found himself running. He tore through the entrance hall, out the front door, and out of the grounds. He didn't have any real idea of where he was going; he just had to distance himself from that house. He didn't want to think about the way his father and ex-girlfriend would comfort one another, but he couldn't stop himself from dwelling on it. He fought against the tears, but they came anyway as he realized that two of his greatest sources of comfort had deserted him.

When he could run no longer, he collapsed onto the ground, tears flowing freely. He was in some kind of forested area he didn't recognize—probably a part of some local park. He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down. This was ridiculous—he was nearly twenty years old.

He pulled himself up and leaned back against a tree, burying his face in his hands. Before he quite knew what he was doing, he had pulled out his cell phone, and opened a new message to Holly. He and Holly had corresponded frequently—nearly every day—for the past three years, but they hadn't actually seen one another since his mother's funeral. Sometimes they talked about the deepest, most serious issues. Other times, they would exchange a dozen messages saying nothing of substance at all. Over the past three years, it had become his first instinct to contact Holly with any question he had about his and Minerva's relationship. She had often given him sound advice. Of course, this wasn't exactly a typical relationship problem, but Artemis still found himself opening a message to her. He marked it red for emergency. The curser clicked down to the body.

Then, he stopped, just as he had the night before after the conversation with his father. How could he put his feelings into words? How could he summarize this entire catastrophe in a text message? Just as he had the night before, he soon gave up, and dropped the phone on the ground, once again burying his face in his arms.

In his distress, however, Artemis had forgotten the security protocols he himself had placed on his cell phone. If the message was marked red, it was automatically sent to the recipient after a certain amount of time, or if the phone was shut off in the middle of a message. He had put these protocols in place in case of kidnapping or injury. It was no surprise, therefore, that Holly Short was very concerned when she received an emergency text message from Artemis with no text.

Immediately, she traced the call to its origin, and told her helmet computer to plot a course. Fortunately, she had all ready been above ground when she received the message. As soon as she had set off toward the location of the signal, she called Artemis. After several rings, the phone was picked up, and Holly heard on the other end, "Hello? Holly?"

Holly breathed a massive sigh of relief. "Artemis! Are you all right?"

When Artemis answered, his voice was tired and strained. "Holly. Yes, sorry. I shouldn't have marked the message as an emergency."

His tone worried Holly. "Is everything all right? What's wrong?"

There was silence for a long moment. Then, a poorly stifled sob came across the line. Holly opened the throttle on her wings as wide as they would go, and sped through the open Irish sky. "I'm on my way. Don't worry; I was all ready in Ireland. I just finished the ritual. I'll be there soon."

She sped toward the signal from Artemis' cell phone as fast as her wings would carry her. Despite their frequent messages, Holly had been secretly hoping for a good excuse to go visit him in person. Over the past several years, however, nothing convincing had come up. Holly sighed. She supposed she had gotten what she wanted.

It took only minutes to reach Artemis. Even then, he wasn't easy to find; the forest he had found himself in was quite thick. When she reached him at last, she touched down, simultaneously unshielding and removing her helmet. "Artemis!" she called, rushing over. He looked up at her. The tears had stopped, but the only time Holly had ever seen him looking so weary and pained was right after his mother had died.

She ran over to him, and pulled him into a tight hug. He leaned into it, resting his head on her shoulder for a long moment. Eventually, however, she pulled back, leaving her hands on his shoulders. "Artemis, please, tell me what happened."

So he did. He told her in detail about his conversations with his father and Minerva. He told her the pain he felt that the betrayal, and at the dishonor to his mother's memory.

When he had reached the end of his narration, Holly stood up, and began pacing the small clearing. She was enraged and sickened. "That—that—ugh!" She shouted. She spun back around to face Artemis. "This is so completely wrong, what they've done to you. How twisted! How could they—"

Artemis interrupted her, fear in his eyes. "But, Holly, what if she's right? What if I made it too difficult for her? What if—what if I really wasn't worth the effort?"

Holly stared at him, speechless. As far as she was concerned, this was the worst thing Minerva had done to him. She marched over to her friend, and took his face in her hands. "Artemis. Listen to me. This was not your fault. At all. Not worth the effort? Please. You are a brilliant, compassionate person, one who is completely loyal to the people he cares about. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like you."

Artemis looked up at her, astonished. "Holly, I—"

But Holly wasn't finished. "I remember the way you were when we first met. Since then, your life has put you through hell, but it's helped you to grow! Every day has seen you become a better man, a man who deserves a much better woman than that—Minerva!"

There were tears in Artemis' eyes, but this time, it was because he was touched. "Holly, I—thank—"

Holly still had more to say, however. "And, no, you're still not perfect. Yes, you still have things to work on. Who cares? Everyone does! That does not mean it is in any way your fault if your lying, cheating, manipulating girlfriend wants to run off with your father! Come on, Artemis! You're a smart guy! A really smart guy! You have to see that it's true!"

Artemis just stared at her, completely at a loss for words. Holly sighed, and said in a quieter tone, "I swear to you, Artemis, there is no way this is your fault. It is your father and Minerva who are to blame here." She sighed again. "To be honest, I'm not sure what's wrong with your father. He was probably just incredibly lonely after he lost Angeline. Not that that's any excuse. But I'm pretty sure that's just the kind of person Minerva is. She wanted a relationship with you because she thought it would benefit her. And the second she wasn't getting everything she wanted—everything she thought she deserved—she jumped ship. I'm sorry, Artemis, I should have seen it."

Artemis shook his head. "There's no way you could have seen in—I didn't even see it. But, you're right, I think." Artemis had been coming to similar realizations about his faithless ex-girlfriend recently. "And, what's more, when she saw that things might be going her way after all, she'd tried to jump right back in. Hellfire!" Artemis swore. "How could I have wasted so much time with someone like that? I proclaim myself to be a genius, and then I do something so stupid! I wasted three years of my life with her! Three years I can never get back!"

Holly knelt down beside her friend. "Artemis!" She exclaimed, smiling slightly. "You're nineteen! You're young! You've got ages to waste on someone completely different!"

Artemis tried to smile, but his face just wasn't ready to form that expression. "I just—I thought she was the girl for me."

Holly nodded. Disgust and fury reared up in her again. She wanted to kill Minerva for doing this to Artemis. But she just said, "You really loved her, didn't you."

"No." Holly stared at him. "I mean, maybe, yeah. But that's not what I meant. I thought she was THE girl for me. The only one. I kind of thought—she was the only one who would have me."

Holly snorted in disbelief. "I refer you to the afore mentioned 'any woman would be lucky' concept. Minerva didn't leave you because you weren't good enough for her. She left because she isn't good enough for you. We have a very special term for someone like her among the People: gold-digging whore."

Artemis sighed and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the tree. "And now, it's my father she's digging into. I'll have to talk to him. Tell him what kind of person Minerva really is. Of course, he's far from blameless in this whole affair, but he is my father. Even if he doesn't want to hear it, I have to try."

Holly looked at him, impressed. "I think you're right." It was a compassionate decision. The Artemis he had been when she first met him probably would have sworn vengeance, even on his own father. When had that boy become the man that now sat before her?

Artemis interrupted her thoughts. He was staring at her knees, embarrassed, saying, "You know, Holly, there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to—" he glanced up into her eyes, turning slightly pink. "—waste the rest of my life with you."

Holly stared at him, open mouthed. Eventually, she managed, "Are you saying, you were in love with me?" Her face showed only blind shock, but inside, Holly was surprised at how happy she was to hear this.

Artemis looked back at the ground again, blushing more deeply. "Y—yes." He stammered. "I—I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's just that—this conversation—it brought back all the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place."

Holly just looked at him for another minute, and then asked, "So, what changed your mind?"

Artemis looked up at her, surprised. "Well, nothing. I just knew that I wasn't the kind of person you would—I know you wouldn't want to—I knew I wasn't good enough for you."

Holly laughed, then sighed, shaking her head. She reached out and placed a hand on Artemis' cheek. "Idiot. Haven't you been listening? How could you not know? I wanted to waste the rest of my life with you."

Artemis stared at her, trying to form words. After a minute, he just gave up. He leaned forward, and pulled her into a tight embrace. She responded in kind, wrapping her arms around him. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too," he answered, "and thank you."

Holly was right. Artemis had been through a lot of hell in his life. They both knew he would soon have to return home to a whole new kind of hell. But not right away. There, beneath the trees, Holly comforted Artemis the only way she could. As she held Artemis close to her, she knew they had both found a new source of comfort—one that left all others in the dust.

Well, there you have it. Some unnecessary Artemis abuse to elicit sympathy, and some unnecessary Minerva abuse, just for the fun of it. Then again, as my dear friend Tonzura wisely said, no Minerva abuse is unnecessary. I hope you all enjoyed it, but even if you didn't, thank you for taking the time to read it. Please, all comments and questions are welcome (positive and negative).

Oh, and, in case anyone is unclear about what happened at the end, I'll just spell it out: they hugged, and then played a game of checkers. Yep. Checkers. That is exactly what happened.

Please review!