A Villainous Road Trip

Mr. Gold, Ursula, and Cruella de Vil drive from Long Island, New York to Storybrooke, Maine. Hijinks ensue.

Author's Note: This is honestly an excuse for me to write a Cruella fic. I adore Cruella, who is easily my favorite "Queen of Darkness." It's been a long time since there was a character on Once who has such a great knack for comedy.

Characters:

Cruella de Vil

Ursula

Mr. Gold

"Are we there yet?" Ursula groaned.

"It's in Maine, darling," Cruella reminded her cohort. "It's not as though we can just poof there."

"Technically, once you're there-" the Dark One began.

"WE KNOW!" Ursula shouted. "WE KNOW THERE IS MAGIC IN STORYBROOKE! IF YOU ALLUDE TO THAT FACT ONE MORE TIME, I WILL TAKE THIS MR. CLUCK'S BAG AND-"

The black and white Zimmer Golden Spirit screeched as Cruella pulled over to the side of the road.

Cruella turned in her seat so she could see both Gold and Ursula. "If you children are going to fight the whole way to Maine, I'm going to skin you both, make you into coats, and hang your teeth from my rearview mirror!"

Both traveling companions were silent.

"That's what I thought," Cruella huffed, shifting back into gear and proceeding north.

"Someone's been reading too much Thomas Harris," Ursula muttered to herself.

"Who's Thomas Harris?" Cruella asked.

"He wrote Silence of the Lambs," Gold explained.

"Looks like someone's been letting a little bookworm into his head," Ursula teased.

"I only thought that was a movie!" Cruella cocked her head in confusion.

"Typical." Ursula crossed her arms.

"If you're going to rude, I can always tie you to the roof, darling," Cruella warned.

"I'm sorry Cruella," Ursula apologized. "I'm just SOOOO bored!"

"Don't you have a CD player?" Rumple asked.

"Don't let him use it!" Ursula pleaded. "I've been listening to nothing but Alan Menken since he came to New York!"

"If he's good enough for the Academy, he's good enough for you," Rumple said, waving his finger at Ursula.

Ursula grimaced menacingly. "If you touch the radio, I will put you in a whole new world of pain, Rumplestiltskin!"

Gold pouted in the back seat.

"It's tough isn't it darling?" Cruella asked. "Not getting your way. Maybe your Storybrooke friends are nicer than us."

Ursula laughed. "I assure you, he's never had a friend like me."

"You two are savages," Gold continued to pout.

"I'd watch who you're calling a savage, darling," Cruella warned.

"Yeah," Ursula added. "You're the one who's barely even human."

"Seriously though," Cruella cut across her. "If we're going to go the distance to Storybrooke, we'll need to get along. How do you propose we manage that?"

"We could tell stories," Ursula suggested.

"It could be like our own Canterbury Tales," Gold chimed in.

"Classic literature?" Cruella asked, dark eyebrows raised high. "That maid really did a number on you, didn't she?"

"Please," Rumple scoffed. "Don't act like you're suddenly so knowledgeable of the literature of this world, Cruella. I can't imagine Mr. Feinberg married you for your brains."

"Then I can't imagine why he did it," Ursula picked. "He certainly didn't marry her for her looks."

This was the last straw for Cruella, who removed her hands from the steering wheel to clobber Ursula in the passenger seat. As Ursula and Cruella punched at every inch of the other, the car began to screech back and forth across the road.

"Would you harpies knock it off!" Gold yelled.

"Take it back, Finding Nemo!" Cruella hollered, ignoring Rumple.

"Not a chance, Marley and Me!" Ursula retorted.

The car went careening off of the road and into a ditch.

"This is a fine mess you two have gotten us into," Rumple groaned. He leaned forward, grabbing both women by their hair and separating them. "Get out and push this car back onto the road."

Cruella and Ursula ceased their fisticuffs to glare at the powerless Dark One.

"You think you're going to give me orders?" Cruella snarled. "This is my car, darling. The next time you tell me to get out and push, I will leave you dead on the side of the road like the rabid Komondor you look like."

Cruella sat up in her seat, fixing her hair in the rearview mirror.

"Are we going to push?" Ursula asked, untangling her necklaces.

"No need, darling," Cruella chuckled sinisterly. She slammed her foot down on the gas, digging an enormous rut into the ditch. Then, shifting into reverse, she backed up slightly and used the edge of the rut as a sort of ramp to propel the car into the air.

Gold and Ursula both screamed as they rattled about, but Cruella simply smiled, propelling the car back onto the road.

"That witch is strange, no question," Gold panted, catching his breath.

"Does anyone else want to make a comment about my marriage?" Cruella asked threateningly.

"I'm good," Ursula whispered, also catching her breath.

"Not if it will land us in another ditch," Gold reasoned.

"That's what I thought," Cruella smiled, zooming up the road.

The trio was somewhere in Vermont. Cruella was dutifully driving, humming "Copacabana" under her breath while Gold and Ursula slept in their seats. It had been silent for nearly an hour, which allowed Cruella time to soothe her impatient, nasty soul with thoughts of torturing animals.

"I'm thirsty," came Ursula's groggy voice.

Cruella exhaled, exasperated. "Then drink the melted ice from your soda cup, darling."

"That's gross!" Ursula whined.

"That's right," came a strange-sounding Gold. "Polish those shelves. Oh, yes, Belle."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Cruella shook her head.

"Wake up, loverboy!" Ursula shouted.

Gold jumped awake, glaring at the Sea Witch. "Go sit on a sea urchin," he shot.

"Cruella, do you have anything to drink in here?" Ursula continued, ignoring Gold.

"I guarantee that if you so much as touch any of my gin, I will turn you into sushi."

"What am I supposed to drink then?"

Cruella growled and screeched the car to the side of the road again. "We're in Vermont, and those are maple trees. Take a straw and go drink some syrup."

"Are you out of your mind?!" Ursula exclaimed. "I'm not drinking syrup! That's pure sugar!"

"Because you eat so well at home?" Rumple muttered.

Ursula narrowed her eyes. "It's fine, Cruella. Drive."

Cruella smiled wickedly. "No, no, no, darling. You wanted a drink, and I've stopped so you can get one."

"I'll be alright," Ursula said, holding her ground.

"We're not going until you've had a drink," Cruella grinned.

"No! I won't be part of your sick amusement!"

"For heaven's sake, Ursula, get out of the car and drink some maple sap so we can get to Storybrooke!" Rumple ordered. To emphasize the point, Cruella drew Ursula's straw from her Mr. Cluck soda cup and handed it to her.

Ursula glared at her fellow villains and exited the jalopy.

"I have to get pictures of this," Cruella cackled, fishing for her iPhone in her purse. She managed to get a few shots of Ursula searching for a sap-excreting part of the nearest tree and inserting her straw. Gold chuckled from the back seat.

Ursula stomped back to the passenger seat.

"Ursula, darling," Cruella laughed. "You should have turned yourself into a woodpecker instead of an octopus. You'd have had more success in your endeavours, I'm sure of it!"

Ursula crossed her arms and pursed her lips.

"Rumple, darling, would you like some gin?" Cruella offered, looking evilly at an open-mouthed Ursula.

"Thank you, Cruella," Gold smiled. "You are too kind." He accepted a flask from the monochromatic monster.

"You're horrible," Ursula whined.

Still chuckling, Cruella restarted the Golden Spirit and stepped on the gas.

"Maine, at last!" Mr. Gold exclaimed as they drove past the "Welcome to Maine" sign.

"Thank goodness!" Ursula said. "My back is so stiff."

"Please," Cruella sneered. "I'm sure you've never sat in a more comfortable passenger seat."

"Pull over!" Ursula suddenly ordered.

"No, darling, we just stopped fifteen minutes ago," Cruella said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm going to be carsick if you don't stop and let me get out," Ursula threatened.

Cruella's eyes went wide. "Not in my car!" She pulled over as quickly as she could.

Ursula got out of the car and began pacing back and forth, eyes closed.

"Hurry up!" Cruella shouted.

"I need to take a few deep breaths," Ursula said, attempting to remain calm.

Cruella slumped down in her seat. "She's impossible," she complained to Rumple.

"Let me handle her," Gold grinned, leaning forward.

When five minutes had passed, Ursula re-entered the car. "I'm better now."

"I'm glad, darling," Cruella said, gently patting Ursula's shoulder.

"We really were worried, dearie," Gold added, nodding seriously.

Cruella started the car and began to drive again. "I know what'll help this last leg of the journey: Music! To quote Shakespeare, 'If music be the food of love, play on.'" She tapped a red-gloved finger on her stereo's "On" button.

Ursula's face contorted in horror as an all-too-familiar song came on. Cruella and Gold sang along:

There you see her; Sitting there across the way

She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her

And you don't know why, but you're dying to try

You wanna kiss the girl.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" came Ursula's scream as they careened ever nearer to Storybrooke.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed my bit of fun. Please review!