I bend down over the sink and splash some ice-cold water in my face, trying
to wake up. I have a terrible hangover. "That's the last time I go out with
Annie for margaritas" I promise myself. But I already know I'm not going to
keep that promise. I grab a towel and raise my head. Immediately, a sharp
pain shoots through it.
Damn, maybe I should stick to my pledge.
I dry my face and then walk downstairs. I hold the back of my head with my
left hand as I slowly descend the stairs. Every step I take sends a small
vibration through my body which increases my pounding headache. The stairs
seem twice as long as usual and I am so thankful when I finally reach the
last step. I feel like an old lady when I make my way over to the kitchen
to get some coffee. I don't get very far though, 'cause Annie walks in and
lets the door swing shut on her way in.
"Good morning, Caroline!" It sounds like thousands of trumpets blowing in my ear. I also place my right hand on my head, which is about to explode.
"My god, Annie, must you talk so loudly?" I ask, my voice still a little hoarse from last night.
Annie glances nonchalantly at me as she pours herself some coffee. She studies my wrecked appearance and smiles. "Well, somebody's a bit hung over I see."
She takes a mug from the mug tree. "Coffee?" she asks, holding up the mug. She doesn't wait for my response but just starts pouring. I guess she doesn't need to ask me, I have 'I need coffee' written all over me. She hands me a mug and ushers me to the sofa.
"How come you're so cheerful? Don't you have a headache?" I sip my coffee and think of last night. Annie had just as much to drink as I did but she seems fine.
"Caroline, let me teach you something about alcohol. Alcohol is like men. The more you get, the less effect it has on you, and then you just need more and more to get the same effect!" she grins, proud of her analogy. "You just need to drink more often, or get a man. You see, they balance each other out."
"Gee, well thanks for this useful information" I mumble sarcastically as I take another sip of my coffee. The warmth and bitterness of the liquid is exactly what I need. I already feel better.
"Hey, how about you give it another shot tonight? Come with me, we're having a big celebration 'cause Cats is the longest running show on Broadway."
"You celebrate that?" I ask, placing my coffee on the cedar chest.
"Yeah, sure."
She sees my doubtful look and then admits, "Okay, look, it's just an excuse to get hammered! You comin' or what?"
I don't think she gets the message on how awful I felt after the previous night. "Are you kidding? It'll take me that long to get over yesterday!" I immediately associate 'yesterday' with 'headache' and reach for my coffee again.
"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Annie begs.
"I don't think so, Annie. I'll just stay home. Besides, I don't know any of the people you're going with."
"So? You can get to know them. It'll just be the cast and maybe the director. He's kinda cuuuuute!" She pronounces her last two words in a childish singing tone.
"If he's so darn cute, why haven't you made a move on him yet?" I ask.
She seems offended, or at least she pretends to be. She plants her fists on her hips. "Caroline, I know it's early but try to think for a moment, will you? The guy is my director! I couldn't possibly go out with my own director, could I? Ugh..."
"Oh, right, of course." Probably gay, I think. Damn, I spend too much time with Richard. I even start to think like him now.
Annie doesn't give up by the way. She keeps begging me to come. I don't know why she wants me there so badly, but eventually I cave. I suppose it would be good for me to get out more. Even Salty seems to get bored with me now. Besides, I don't have to drink if I don't want to, right?
******
Right. So, it was probably not so much those Tequila's I drank but maybe just the white wine I washed them down with. I know I said I wouldn't drink anymore but I didn't really care. I felt amazing and that's all that mattered. Annie's friends were very nice but it was obvious they did this more often. First we went to a club, then a bar until we were at our.third bar? Or was it our fourth? I totally lost touch with my surroundings. I'm never the partying type but the alcohol had totally blocked out my timid personality and I loved this confident party girl I had become.
Maybe that was why I suddenly found myself on the stage, holding a mike, singing karaoke songs. I wasn't sure if people were cheering for me or not, but this was karaoke, so it didn't matter. My head was spinning and I swayed from side to side on the stage, which I tried to sell off as dancing. I sang many songs among which were 'It's in his kiss' and 'Let's get excited'. My last song was a big hit, everybody clapped for me. I'm not sure what happened after that. I think I tried to bow but I must've lost my balance. At least that would explain the splitting headache I wake up with the next morning. "Nice talk, Annie" I mutter. "Alcohol and men.. I think I prefer men." I try to open my eyes but I squeeze them shut again, covering them with my hand to block out every possible ray of light. This is gonna be a long day.
******
"My god, what happened to you?" is Richard's untactful response to my appearance.
"Nothing" I say. "I went out with Annie last night and I might've had a little too much to drink." I pour myself some coffee and sit down at the partners' desk.
"A little? You look like you drank their entire liquor supply!"
"So what? I'm entitled to drink once in a while!" I conveniently leave out the fact that last night was the second night in a row. "Besides, it was fun. I sang karaoke!" I add.
"Oh, so you weren't the only one who woke up with a headache then" he quips.
"Hey, that's not true!" I say defensively, "I was really good, everybody clapped and cheered after my performance!"
"Yeah, because they were glad you were done." He takes his empty mug to the kitchen for a refill.
"Wow, you're on a roll today aren't you?" I ask, aiming at his sarcasm.
He smirks. "Yeah, I had a good weekend."
At that moment the door opens and Annie walks in. Again she seems unaffected by the alcohol.
"Hey Caroline! Recovered from last night yet?" she asks cheerfully.
I turn my head and shoot her a look. She knows very well I'm not going to recover for a while yet.
"Ooops, guess not, huh?" she says teasingly. She helps herself to some coffee. "Maybe you should just stick with men in the future -.. Shut up!" she warns Richard who is already opening his mouth for another sarcastic comment.
I giggle. Those two are always at each other, it's quite amusing.
"You know Caroline, he seemed to really like you." She drops a lump of sugar in her coffee and stirs it as she walks over to the couch.
"Who?" I ask in confusion.
"My director! Who do you think? He even asked for your phone number."
"Really?" I arch my eyebrows. I didn't even notice. But I guess I was too drunk for that. I shrug. "Well, I'm glad you didn't give it to him, he's not my type."
"Oh, but I did give it!" she says, completely clueless of what she's done.
"What?! Are you crazy?" I exclaim.
"Well Care, like I said before, if you can't handle the alcohol you need to get yourself a man! Or I prefer a combination but that's too advanced for you" she grins at her own logic.
I am starting to get really angry with her. I rarely get mad at Annie but this time she she's gone too far. "Annie, you can't just give some guy my phone number without consulting me! What were you thinking?"
"Oh, would you relax? It's just a phone number! You don't have to sleep with him or anything!"
"Yeah, like you'd know" Richard mumbles under his breath without looking up from his work.
I spin my chair around to look at him. "Finally. What took you so long? I already thought you were remarkably quiet during the 'men and alcohol' part" I grin. He looks up briefly and smirks before concentrating on his work again. I get up from my chair and chase after Annie, who is on her way to the door. She ignores Richard's comment and picks up our conversation.
"Caroline, if you don't want to go out with him just tell him 'no' and ask him not to call you anymore. Geez." she says, clearly annoyed with me for making a problem out of this. With that she leaves and takes her coffee with her.
This is so typical of Annie. She hardly ever gets wound up over anything and she doesn't see why other people feel the need to do so. I sit down hard on the couch, which I regret immediately because I had forgotten all about my headache. Richard walks up to me and hands me a glass of water and some aspirin.
I look up at him. "Thank you, Richard"
"Oh please, it's purely self-interest." He walks back to the desk. "I still have a full day of work to go and I don't think it'll go very smoothly with you as a train-wreck."
"Gee, thanks." I drag myself to the partner desk. As soon as I sit down the phone rings, which is - of course- on the couch. I sigh deeply and start dragging myself out of my seat again.
Richard rolls his eyes. "Oh for god's sake! I'll get it. Please sit! I thought I was supposed to be the grumpy one here." He puts down his pencil and walks over to the couch to answer the phone. I spin my chair around to find out who it is. His face turns smug when he hears who is calling.
"Here" he says as he hands me the phone. "It's loverboy." I give him an angry look as I take over the phone, which only seems to amuse him. He loves teasing me with this.
"Hello?" I say hesitantly, wondering how I'm going to brush him off 'cause I know I'm too spineless for that. I don't know where Annie got the idea from that I can just say 'no' to this guy.
"Hello, Caroline?" comes another hesitant voice from the other side of the line. "It's Steve, from last night.. Annie's director?"
"Oh right." Like I don't already know who he is. But he probably isn't sure how much I remember after last night.
"Look, Caroline, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me today?" he asks expectantly. He sounds a little insecure and shy and he seems like a nice man, but I still don't feel like going out with him.
"Well, actually Steve,.um. I feel very flattered but.um.. you're not my type" I manage to force out, turning away from Richard who's listening in to the conversation and is smirking devilishly at my clumsiness.
"Oh, but I wasn't asking you out on a date! I apologize if it came across that way. No, I just wanted to talk to you about something" Steve replies.
Boy, do I feel stupid. So, he doesn't even have a romantic interest in me, he just wants to meet me for lunch. I become curious about what it is he wants to talk to me about. So I agree to meet him for lunch at Remo's.
******
When I get to Remo's at lunchtime, Steve is already there. He gets up from his seat to welcome me.
"So, how are you?" he asks.
I hang my coat over the back of my chair and sit down. "Well, I have a terrible headache, but other than that I'm fine, thanks." I smile, trying not to look too eager to find out what this meeting is about. I hate secrets and I really have to put up an act to appear calm.
He sits down as well. "Yeah, you were pretty drunk, weren't you? They couldn't get you off that stage if they wanted to. Which is actually what I wanted to talk to you about." He beckons Remo to take our order.
"You wanted to talk to me about how much I drank last night? Who sent you, my mother?" I chuckle. Where is this conversation going? I am starting to regret accepting his invitation.
"No, Caroline what I wanted to talk to you about is your voice. You have a beautiful voice, do you realize that?" He leans forward, his elbows resting on the table. He looks me in the eye to make clear to me that he is serious. Which is a pity really, 'cause I am starting to feel a little shy and embarrassed again and if he hadn't been this serious I might've been able to dismiss him with a joke.
"It was just karaoke." I say nonchalantly, hoping he'll drop the subject. Sure, I like getting compliments but they always make me somewhat uncomfortable. Besides, no one has ever commented on my singing before. Not positively anyway.
"All the same, you sang beautifully," he smiles, obviously not planning to let this topic go yet. "And that's why I wanted to meet with you: I want to offer you a job. I want you to sing in my new show."
I'm pretty sure the alcohol from last night has also affected my hearing. It must have, 'cause there is no way he could've said what I just heard. This is too ridiculous to be true. I carefully look away from him and start checking all corners and plants for hidden cameras. When I can't find one, I look at Steve again. I blink a couple of times to see if he is still here, maybe I'm just dreaming.
"Excuse me??" I then chuckle.
"I know, it must be quite a surprise to you, but I really want you to consider auditioning for me. You have talent, Caroline" he says.
"Well.um.. Steve, I don't think so, I don't like being in the spotlight."
"Really?" He sits back and folds his arms across his chest. "You could've fooled me" he grins.
I feel even more embarrassed now. What can I say to get him off my back? "Um..you know what I mean, don't you? Last night was an exception. Singing is not for me" I try.
At that moment Remo arrives at our table. He hears my last phrase and of course he is too nosy to leave us alone, he wants to know what we are talking about. He puts his notepad back in his chest pocket and turns to me.
"Last night? What happened last night, Carolina? What was that about singing?" he asks curiously.
How can this situation get any worse? I already hate the fact that Steve won't leave me alone, but if Remo knows, I'll never hear the end of it. He's got a mouth on him like you wouldn't believe. If he found out, I'm sure that within a week all my friends and even people I don't know would be fully informed about this. Don't get me wrong, I like Remo, but now I am getting annoyed. I feel trapped. "Remo, would you mind? We're talking here!" I hiss through gritted teeth. I shoot him an angry look and for this one time he seems to get the message.
"Oh, certainly Carolina, I'm sorry" he says, a little taken aback. He then takes out his notepad again. "So, what'll it be?" he asks, a hint of dented pride in his voice.
Steve must feel sorry for Remo or something, because he doesn't seem to understand why I am so secretive about this. He looks up at Remo. "I'll have a white wine. You know, we were just discussing Caroline's talent. Did you know she's a wonderful singer? I just offered her a job in my new show." he smiles, totally unaware of the painful situation he has just created.
If not for the fact that I am the subject of all this, I would think that Remo's reaction is priceless. His eyes widen and his jaw drops open. For a moment he just stares at Steve and me, then he starts to laugh. It's not just a small laugh, no, he is hysterical. He can't seem to stop laughing, which is funny at first, but soon becomes insulting.
"You?? A singer?" he shrieks with laughter.
My cheeks feel warmer and warmer. I'm pretty sure my whole face has reddened with anger by now. If he doesn't stop laughing soon, I am going to explode. Remo wipes away some tears from his eyes and his laughter finally dies down a little.
"But Carolina, this is ridiculous, huh? You're not a singer!" He looks at me as if he expects me to agree with him.
I place my hands on the table leaf and push myself up from my seat. "I don't see what's so funny, Remo! Why can't I be a singer?"
It is obvious Remo didn't expect this reaction. His expression turns apologetic, but it is too late. I have already gotten too angry. It's probably my insecurity that has started this rage but I can't stop myself anymore now that it's begun.
"You know what? I'm gonna do it!" I suddenly bark. "I'll prove to you how good I am! Steve, I'll call you later!" With that I grab my coat and my purse and storm out of the restaurant, leaving a dumbfounded Remo and an astonished Steve behind.
******
When I arrive at my apartment my anger has died down, but I must have a distressed expression on my face, because Richard asks me about it as soon as I get in.
"What happened? Didn't your lunch with Steve go well?"
"Ugh.., it's not Steve I'm angry with. It's Remo." I sort of relive the situation with Remo while I tell Richard about what just happened and I get worked up again. "He just laughed at me in my face! It was so insulting!" I take off my coat while I continue. "As if he can tell me what I can or can't do! As if I couldn't be a singer!"
I stop dead in my tracks when I realize I have just blurted out what was supposed to be secret. I slowly look up, afraid that within a second I'll be another laughing stock. But he doesn't say anything, he just looks at me blankly.
"What? No sarcasm from you?" I ask in confusion. "Has your new buzz from this weekend already worn off?" I know I probably shouldn't ask, but c'mon, Richard isn't Richard without sarcasm, right?
"Well, actually Caroline, I'm amazed too. I mean, this moment is just perfect for some sarcasm, but I just can't think of anything. Maybe I already filled my quota for today. I must be losing it." He seems too confused to get back to the main subject.
"Look, Richard, what do you think I should do? Steve asked me to sing in his new musical. He seemed pretty impressed with my voice." I bite my lip, waiting for the sarcastic reply after all.
"Well, Caroline, I think you should do whatever you want to. If it makes you happy, then go for it."
He gets back to his side of the desk and looks for the right panel to start on next. Of course. That is the other side of Richard. If he isn't being sarcastic he is simply ignorant. Oh well, at least he doesn't laugh at me like Remo did. Just when I want to ask Richard about it again, Annie enters.
"Hey Caroline, so...you went out with Steve after all? How was it?"
When she sees my puzzled look she explains; "Richie told me."
I turn my head to give Richard an accusatory look. He looks up. "Sorry. I needed something to compensate for my lack of sarcasm" he apologizes with a smirk.
Annie tries to get my attention again. "Caroline, I'm really sorry about this morning. I thought about it, and you were right. I shouldn't have given him your phone number without consulting you. But I hear it's a good thing I did after all, huh?" she smiles, nudging me.
She sits down on the armrest of the sofa. She pulls up her legs and wraps her arms around them. I start to feel at ease again. At least Richard is okay with the idea of me singing and Annie and I are alright again. I sigh, then smile at Annie. Her eyes are twinkling with curiosity. As long as there are men involved she is always full of interest. I sit down across from her on the cedar chest.
"Well, first of all, it wasn't a date."
"It wasn't? But I thought you went to lunch with him?"
"Yeah I did, but he wanted to ask me something. Apparently I did very well on the stage last night. He wants me to be in his new show!" I exclaim enthusiastically.
I think Annie almost falls of the couch in shock. She jumps up. "You?? In a show? Doing what?"
"Singing of course. What else?" I get up too, to face Annie.
"But Caroline, you're not a singer" Annie chuckles.
"I know, but Steve seems to think I can be."
"Oh, puhleeaase! He's just trying to get you into bed!"
Well, my calmness didn't last long then. Once again I feel anger coming over me. Maybe I am even angrier now than I was with Remo. After all, Annie is my best friend she is supposed to support me. I plant my hands on my hips and approach her.
"Really? That explains why he hasn't offered you a part yet then!" I shout.
Annie is mad now, too. The fact that she is a little taller than me seems to come in handy now. She rises to stand up to me. "What's that supposed to mean?!" she barks.
"Look, Annie, I just don't see why you can't be a little more supportive about this. Is it so hard for you to understand that I might actually have talent?"
"Yeah, if you actually had some!" Annie scoffs. "Caroline, have you got any idea what it takes to be a professional singer? You can't just walk in and 'join us'! It's not a club, it's a job! And some people have to work very hard for it!"
"I know that, Annie. I didn't think of this myself, Steve offered me this job. And frankly, I think you're just a little jealous."
I probably shouldn't have used the 'j'- word. I seem to have ignited something with it, because she's about to explode.
"Oh yeah?? Then you're on your own now, Caroline!" She storms out and slams the door.
Before I have a chance to even think about what just happened, the door opens again and Del enters.
"Hi, um.what's up with Annie? She simply brushed past me in the hallway just now. She seemed kind of angry." He glances over his shoulder as if she is still there, then he looks at me expectantly.
Man, everybody is after me today, aren't they? Or is it just the aftermath from the alcohol that makes it seem that way? I do seem to stumble from one chaos into the next today. After my argument with Annie I don't feel like talking to Del at the moment.
"What do you want, Del?" I snap.
Del looks at me in confusion. Of course I shouldn't snap at him, none of this is his fault after all, but his timing is just bad. I would just like to be on my own for a while, to think about what I've been offered, if it could be something for me. But ever since I've left Remo's, this thing seems to have snowballed, leaving me with no time to properly think this through. Del notices how distracted I am and he approaches me. He places a hand on my shoulder and gently sits me down on the couch.
"Hey, you wanna tell me what's going on here?" he asks softly.
I look over at Richard who pretends to be invisible and just keeps coloring without meddling in our conversation. I then look down at my lap. Del sits down across from me and tilts my chin. "So?" he asks.
"Okay, look Del, here's the thing; I went out with Annie and some of her friends last night and I got really drunk and sang karaoke. Annie's director seemed to like my voice and he's offered me an audition for his new show. He seems to think I'm perfect for the part."
"Really? That's awesome!" he exclaims. "Or isn't it?" he then asks when he notices my downcast expression.
"Yeah, well I guess it is, but Annie's mad at me now. She wasn't supportive at all about this and when I suggested she was just jealous she got really mad at me."
"But she probably is jealous! I mean, she works really hard for a chance like this and it must be a bit hard on her to see you getting it thrown into your lap like that" Del reasons.
"I know, but this was never my intention. Maybe I should just call it off." I bend my head and stare at my feet.
"No way! Caroline, don't worry about Annie, she'll come around. You have to do this! Besides, think of the publicity for your strip: 'Cartoonist becomes singer'" He gazes into space and indicates an imaginary sign with his hands.
I smile. His simplistic approach to life always annoyed me when we were dating but as friends, I really like it. "Thanks, Del." I hug him and then get up. "I'm going to call Steve now." I pick up the phone and dial Steve's number to let him know he has a deal.
******
As I ride the 9 line on my way to the theater, I try to imagine myself on a stage, singing. Dozens of lights on me, hundreds of fans screaming for more, signing autographs, my picture on covers of magazines, interviews, TV shows,.. Okay, so maybe I am getting carried away. I try to imagine someone actually paying to hear me sing... I mean, I don't hate my own voice, but I am never sure if it is any good. Most of the time it just sounds mediocre to me. Maybe if other people listen to it, it sounds better? Or is it the other way around? How amazing would that be, people actually paying to hear me sing! Me, Caroline Duffy! It would sure teach my old music teacher, Mrs. Foreman, who said I didn't have a musical bone in my body. Or all those kids who used to tease me in high school. Hah! How stupid would they feel if they suddenly saw me on television? And if they'd come over and apologize I'd laugh at them! And then I would.- Oh, I'm here. I grab my purse and get off the train.
I'm not nervous at all when I push open the tall glass doors that give me access to the theater. I feel totally at ease, very calm actually. You don't believe me? Fine then, I don't believe myself either.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" I repeat to myself with each step I take. I rush into the nearest bathroom and lean against the door. I roll my eyes upward and try to remember why I agreed to do this. I could still back out of this. I could just walk out of here, go home and call Steve with a squeaky voice, saying I'm sick. And then of course I'd just 'forget' to set up a new appointment. How I'd love to go for that option. But I can't, I already told everyone I'm going to do this. Del is probably working on some publicity stunt as we speak. And I have something to prove to Remo, to Richard and to Annie... God, how does she do this every day? I still haven't spoken to her since our argument. When she sees me she just walks off without saying anything. It really stings when she ignores me like that. I must try to talk to her again today. Eventually we'll make up, I'm sure. Damn! I totally lost track of time! I rush out of the bathroom and when I come running in, I don't even have the time to feel nervous anymore. Steve comes walking up to me with a broad smile on his face.
"Caroline!" he exclaims. "So glad you could make it! How are you?"
"Well, I had a terrible fight with Annie about all this. It's so bad she's not even speaking to me, so it really bothers me" I say uncomfortably.
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry about Annie. I've known her for years now and she never stays mad long." He smiles and I wonder if there's anything that upsets this man. "We'll take your mind off of this. Come with me."
He gently places his hand on my lower back and ushers me through a door into what seems to be an endless hallway. The white, marble floor is neatly polished and shines as though no one ever walks on it. The walls are covered with numerous photos of -no doubt- very famous people. I don't recognize any of them.
"So, nervous?" Steve glances down at me and smiles.
"Not at all" I lie and give him a convulsive smile.
"Good. No need to be" he tells me as we reach the end of the hallway and ushers me through a second door. After that we end up in something that seems like a maze of little hallways, lots of doors (some even have name plates on them!) and all the equipment anyone could ever need in the theater. When Steve stops walking and he steps onto something that seems to be a stage, we finally seem to have arrived.
"Well, here we are." He smiles again. God, why must he smile all the time? There's nothing funny about this! This is scary, this is horror, this is.. a nightmare.
"Okay then. Just step onto the stage here." He gestures towards the big stage. As if I don't already see where it is! I can hardly miss it, can I? "We'll just start with this song, just to see how we go." He hands me a piece of paper with the lyrics to my song on it. "I'll be over there" he says. He points into the darkness and then disappears.
Where did he go? He can't just leave me here on my own! I take the piece of paper in my other hand as I wipe my hand on my pants. For some reason my palms are all sweaty now. I take over the piece of paper again and wipe off my other hand. There doesn't seem to be any point. I inhale deeply a couple of times. "C'mon Caroline, you can do this." I encourage myself. I sigh in an attempt to control my shallow breathing.
"Whenever you're ready, Caroline!" I hear Steve calling.
Okay, let's go then. I stand up straight and hold my chin up in the air. I take a big step and then step onto the stage. It's shaped like half a circle so the audience can also see from the sides. The bright lights immediately blind me. I walk over to the middle of the stage, but I can't see anything. No Steve, no-..are there even other people here? Or will it just be him? I can't see anything. The seating area is completely dark and the bright lights on the stage make it impossible to see anything that's more than 4 feet away. In the corner of my eye I notice a piano, half-hidden by the giant curtains. The piano-player takes my glance as encouragement and starts to play. Oh god, there's no way back now.
My heart is beating furiously in my chest, so hard I'm afraid it might actually pop out. For some reason I suddenly can't control my breathing anymore and an invisible hand has clasped my throat and slowly squeezes it shut until I can hardly breathe anymore. I can feel my face flushing with heat and my legs get all wobbly, as though the bones in them have liquidized all of the sudden. As I raise my hand with the lyrics to my song, I note that it's shaking like a leaf, which makes it hard to even read. How can anyone sing like this? Then the intro ends and the piano player hits two 'c' notes as an indication that I should start to sing now. I open my mouth and..I sing! I actually sing my first line! And it sounds awful.
Okay, I'm singing but you can hardly compare it to the type of singing I do when I'm in the shower or when I'm cooking. The first lines come out softly and off tone. Do I even still speak English? The words don't even sound right. Geez, what's wrong with me? I'm totally screwing this up! I panic, I can't think of anything more demeaning than this. Steve is probably wondering how he could've misjudged me like this. He's probably thinking of a good excuse to get rid of me right now, he's...-
I call myself to order when I miss another note. "Come on, focus!" I scold myself. I take a deep breath, start the second verse and oh joy: it sounds much better! It sounds good. My nerves slowly start to decrease and I start to feel more confident. When the piano player hits the final notes to my song and the music fades, I exhale with relief and gaze expectantly into the seating area.
Silence. There's nothing but a deadly silence in the theater. After a few moments that seem like hours to me, the lights on the stage dim and the house lights slowly go on. Then Steve starts to applaud. He's sitting in the second row and he has his left leg up on his right, a notepad in his lap. He just looks at me and applauds. I feel my mouth curl up into an ear-to-ear grin and I couldn't be happier when Steve comes up to me and climbs onto the stage.
"Excellent!" he praises me. "I was a little worried, you were a little rocky at first, huh?" I nod and he continues; "But you completely made up for that with the second verse! Good job!" he assures me again. He extends his hand to me and I shake it.
"Congratulations, you're in the show!" he says and I think I'm gonna faint.
I try to restrain myself as I ride the train back to my place. I look like just another passenger making her way home. Okay, apart from the smug grin I can't seem to wipe off my face anymore, but nobody notices that, do they?
When I get home I rush upstairs and when I enter my loft I find Del waiting for me on the couch. He turns his head at the sound of the door opening and looks at me expectantly. My smile becomes wider and I start jumping around my apartment as though I've just won the lottery.
"I did it, I did it!" I cry out, unable to come up with a proper sentence.
Del gets up and smiles at me. I suppose he doesn't need me to tell him the full story to know I did well. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. He then lifts me up and whirls me around before setting me down on my feet again.
"Congratulations Caroline!" he exclaims and he hugs me even tighter. "So, you're in the show then?" he asks.
I just nod in response, still smiling. I can't believe it yet, I'm gonna be so famous! Del suddenly pulls out a bottle of champagne out of nowhere and we spend the rest of the afternoon celebrating (and calling my mom and all my friends and acquaintances and....well, everyone I can think of really). It's already dark outside when Del leaves. I say goodbye to him at the door and when the doors to the elevator open, they reveal Annie standing there, holding her Cats duffel bag. She says 'hi' to Del as she gets out of the elevator. She then shoots me an angry look and enters her own apartment. I even hear her chaining the door from where I'm standing and I feel a pang of disappointment at the sound. This was such a great day (I mean, after the whole singing part was over) and now I don't feel happy at all anymore. What's fame when your best friend won't speak to you anymore? Determined to end this for now and forever, I walk over to her apartment and knock on the door. She opens the door a little, not removing the chain. She peeks around the corner.
"Look, Annie. We need to talk" I start.
"I have nothing to say to you, Caroline" she retorts and attempts to close the door again.
I quickly put my foot between the door and the doorframe. "No Annie! We are gonna talk about this right now, whether you like it or not!" I shout.
"Step back" Annie says. I do so, she then closes the door to remove the chain. She looks a little taken aback when she opens it again. I guess she is a little shocked by my sudden firmness. I am too, actually. I'm never this forward. If this weren't such a rotten situation I'd be pretty impressed with myself.
I step inside and stand still in the middle of the room. I already lost my nerve again so I'm a bit afraid to sit down. But Annie gestures for me to sit on the sofa while she lets herself sink onto her bed. My mind has gone blank all of a sudden and I'm trying to think of something wise and rational to say when I notice Annie staring at me questioningly.
"What?" she then snaps. "You wanted to talk, so talk."
She's pretending to be mad and I can still detect a little anger but most of it is just an act. I know Annie too well, she's too proud to cave first so I decide that apologizing is probably the best approach.
"I'm sorry I called you jealous Annie" I start. "I didn't mean it, I was just..well, I dunno. So many things happened at once and when it seemed like you weren't going to support me."
"I was going to support you!" she says, slightly offended.
"I know, I know" I respond softly, trying to stop her from getting wound up again. "I misinterpreted. Can you forgive me?"
"I was just trying to look out for you, you know" she adds. "Theater is much harder than you think."
I nod, then look up at her, pleading for forgiveness. When I see the corner of her mouth curl up into a smile, I know we're okay again.
"Come here you!" she exclaims and walks over to hug me.
We hug for a moment, both happy that we're friends again. I can't remember ever having had such a fight with Annie and I never want this to happen again.
"So, will you help me with this?" I ask as we break the embrace. "That song is really hard, I wonder how I'm even going to learn it."
"Of course I will!" she assures me. "I'll help you in every way I can. That's what friends are for, right?"
She then winks at me over her shoulder and disappears into the kitchen to find something to celebrate our reconciliation with.
******
The next few weeks Annie stays true to her promise and helps me in every way she can. She gives me exercises to improve my singing and she insists that I do them every day. So my day now begins with getting up and exaggeratedly forming my mouth into the letters A, E, O, U, I, and Y to improve my articulation. I mean, there's no point in me singing up there if no one can understand a word of it, is there?
After breakfast I start with the breathing exercises. I have to take a deep breath, then hold it and finally let it out by using my stomach muscles to push the air out again. I have no idea how to do that but Annie says that the most important thing is that I sing from my stomach and not my chest. She says that I need to place a hand on my stomach when I sing. If I can feel my stomach muscles tense, then I'm doing it right apparently. And then there's some tone ladders I have to sing, using these techniques.
After that I can start working on the strip. I have gotten very busy ever since I agreed to do this show. I now have to work nights as well as days to keep up. Luckily I always have an 'emergency stack' ready that I now take out when I'm too tired to work at night. My afternoons are spent at the theater for rehearsals. My former hobby, ballet, comes in handy now because I have little trouble with the dance steps I have to learn. I only have a small role but there are quite a lot of steps to memorize. And then there's my song as well. But I can do it, at least that's what Del says. Richard says nothing. He doesn't really encourage me but he doesn't put me down either. Oh well, that's just Richard I guess. He doesn't even seem to notice what I'm doing most of the time. However, if I do my singing exercises in his presence, he'll ostentatiously pick up his work and walk out into the hallway. So, if I do need to practice during work hours I can always go to Annie's loft. She can't come to rehearsals because she has her own job as well, but she practices with me at home as much as she can. She must have my part memorized by now as well. She's helped me to learn my dance steps and she's now helping me with my song. It seems to help because Steve compliments me on my progress more and more and he's not the only one. My new colleagues seem to be happy to have me there too.
Despite all the praise, I feel extremely nervous the day before the performance. I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to imagine what it will be like. In one fantasy I get 'booed' off stage while in the other I've practically won a Tony. I sigh in exasperation and turn on my side. I squeeze my eyes shut and tightly pull the blanket over me in a desperate attempt to ban out all thoughts and finally get some sleep. After an hour I carefully open one eye. Am I asleep? No. Have I slept yet? No. Damn. Let's hope they'll have some good make-up there or my character will have a lovely new feature tomorrow; bags under her eyes. I throw the blanket off me and sit up. Probably better to do something else for a while. When I'm heating up some warm milk, there's a knock on my door. I slowly walk over to the door, wondering who on earth would come by at this hour? I smile when I see Annie through the peephole and I open the door.
"Hey. I came back from a late performance and I saw that your lights were still on. Nervous?" she asks in one breath, flopping down on my green couch.
I nod and pour the warm milk into two mugs before taking them over to the couch. "Very."
"Thought so" she says and takes a sip of her milk. "There's no need to be. A few nerves will only improve your performance. Every performer has them, you know. Except me of course" she adds.
She playfully slaps my knee and breaks out into a smile as she sees my puzzled look. "Of course I get nervous!" she admits. "I was just kidding."
"Oh" I say, wrapping my hands around the mug and looking down at my milk. I don't really like her joke now, it's no time to make jokes, doesn't she understand that?
Apparently she does because she suddenly leans forward and turns serious. "It'll be alright" she assures me. "Just keep your breathing calm and you'll calm down as well. Besides, I'm going to be there to support you. Trust me, everything will work out just fine."
That's what I like about Annie, she always knows what to say to me. Though the adrenaline rushing through my veins seems to have become a standard part of my blood circulation, it does help to hear someone tell me that it'll be okay. It soothes me in a way I can't manage myself and after a long talk with Annie I finally fall asleep, minding my breathing and focusing on my Tony.
******
What was it again?! Breathe calmly? Hum to myself? Focus on winning a Tony? Do Yoga? Drink coffee?! No, no not coffee. With the buzz I have from today I probably won't need coffee for another two weeks or so. Where are my shoes? Where?! They can't be gone all of a sudden. I rush through my dressing room, frantically pulling open drawers and picking up clothes that are scattered all over the floor. When they don't reveal my shoes I throw them back on the floor again. I look around my dressing room. The walls are painted in salmon pink, the floor (what I can see of it, with all those clothes lying around) is made of hard wood. I have a built-in closet on my left and on my right is a clothing rack. Behind me, next to the door is a large white grooming table. My dressing room is fairly small but pretty and I've turned it into a pigsty in no time at all. Drawers half-open, the floor covered with clothes and shoes (but not the right ones) and the 'good luck' teddy bear I got from Del I can't even find anymore. As I look around the room I realize that my dressing room perfectly reflects how I feel inside. I mean, my own apartment is an organized kind of chaos, just the way I like it. This room is a mess of all kinds of different things, everything mixed up, some things even trackless, just like my emotions at this point. I turn when I hear my door open and I take on my 'laid back, professional singer' pose.
"Yes?" I say with a fake smile.
"Are you nearly ready, Caroline?" Steve asks, taking in my outfit.
"Sure" I lie.
"Great, because people are pouring in already. Wanna see?" he asks excitedly. Apparently it was rhetorical because he takes my elbow and drags me to the wings.
"See?" He pulls open the velvet red curtains just a little so I can see people entering the theater. "Did I tell you that this theater seats roughly 1600 people?" he asks casually, not tearing his eyes away from the seating area. It feels like a punch in the stomach. S-sixteen hundred? I carefully peek through the curtains. It's like a scary movie you're afraid of but watch anyway. People are in a line and get handed their programs by Mandy, the head usher. They then walk on to find their seats, some pointing at the stage and whispering to each other, no doubt in anxious anticipation of what is about to come. I pull my head back and close the curtains. I don't want to see this. Steve doesn't notice a thing.
"Okay, I'll see you in a tick then, huh?" He winks, pats my shoulder and walks off.
I rush back to the safety of my dressing room and sit down on my seat in front of my mirror. I always thought those mirrors with little white lights around them are only used in movies but I actually have one now too! It really makes you feel like I star. I look up into my mirror but I don't see a star. I'm unrecognizable with all that make-up on. Apart from that, I only see a tiny red-head girl with big brown eyes that now start to tingle with tears. I blink them back. I don't want to look like a panda bear if my mascara starts running.
When I saw all those people, now that I'm dressed up and ready to go (apart from my shoes that is, I've still no idea where they are), something happened inside my head. For some reason my insides have turned into stone and I feel unable to move. I try the breathing techniques Annie has taught me, but it doesn't help, my breathing stays ragged. All those people. The image of those expectant faces is etched on my retina, all those eyes. they keep staring at me and I'm not even on the stage yet. I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to do this. I won't.-
"Ten minutes, get a move on!" says a muffled voice from behind my door after a short knock. Whoever it is doesn't bother to come in but seems to have walked on to warn the others.
I get up to lock my door. The click when I turn the key produces a wave of relief. I'm safe now. I lean my back against the door and then bend my knees to let myself slide to the floor. I press my forehead to my knees and wrap my arms around them, hoping that if I make myself small enough, I'll disappear.
First I hear lots of noises around me, excited voices, the dull sound of the audience's footsteps, traffic outside, piano music, a trolley that passes by.. And then everything goes quiet. Maybe it worked. Maybe they forgot about me. I carefully start to get up and jump when there's a knock on the door.
"Caroline?" says a familiar voice.
Maybe if I stay quiet it'll go away. I'm almost afraid to breathe as if it'll make my presence known if I do.
"Caroline?!" comes the voice again, a little less friendly now. "Come on Caroline, open up. I know you're in there!"
I give up and unlock the door, thinking that the windows in this dressing room are too small to escape from anyway.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Annie scolds as she barges into my dressing room. "Why aren't you out there yet? I had to tell them there was a problem with your make-up to excuse you from not being there!"
"I'm sorry Annie" I say, sinking down in a white, fluffy chair.
"Sorry's not good enough!" she exclaims, not sounding very sympathetic.
"I know" I nod. "But it's all I can say. I'm so sorry, but I can't do it. I'm afraid, really afraid." I look up and when she sees the terrified look in my eyes her expression softens.
She squats down next to me. "Hey," she says, rubbing my upper arm, "You'll be fine, it's just nerves. Once you're on that stage they'll be gone and you'll do great" she encourages me.
I shake my head furiously. "No Annie. I can't. I know it sounds weak but I won't even make it up there, the way I'm feeling. I think I'll faint before I can manage to sing a note."
"You're really afraid, aren't you?" she asks softly, getting up.
I nod again and look up at her helplessly.
"Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this, but here's the plan" she says, kicking off her shoes and pulling her jumper over her head. "You're going to find yourself a mike and you're going to sing from behind the scenes while I lip-synch your song and play your character for you. Now, hand over your costume."
My eyes grow wide and my mouth unconsciously drops open when I realize what she's suggesting. I'm still trying to decide if my ears have deceived me when Annie prods my arm.
"Come on! Hurry up, you're..- I'm on in a few minutes!"
I slowly start to remove my costume. "Annie.are you sure..I mean, do you know.-" I stammer.
"Yes! I know the part, I helped you rehearse it, remember? And yes I'm sure. Now hand me that costume!" she says, her arm outstretched, tapping her foot impatiently.
While Annie changes into my costume, I scurry around behind the scenes in search of a mike, staying in the dark areas as to not be noticed. When I return to the dressing room Annie is ready to go on stage. Before it seemed like the perfect solution but my morals take over and I start to have second thoughts.
"Annie.? Maybe this isn't such a good idea, what if Steve finds out?"
"He won't" she says simply, smoothing the folds out of her costume. "Look, he won't be able to tell with this costume and all this make-up."
I nod. She has a point.
She brushes past me to the door of my dressing room. "Now, let's go, it's show time!"
******
As I stand behind the scenes, waiting for Annie to go on stage, I look down at my hands. They're completely steady, not shaky like before or during my audition. I then catch Annie out of the corner of my eye, near the stage. She gives me an encouraging smile and holds up her thumb to let me know it'll be okay. She then walks on to the stage, out of my sight. I know this show by heart, we've done it thousands of times during rehearsals and now that I'm not on that stage I can think clearly and follow it. My song is up next. I take a few steps forward to catch a glimpse of the stage, to see Annie and the other actors. No one seems to notice a thing.
Then the intro begins and I look down at my lyrics. I know the song, but just to be sure, I decided to take them with me. I sing my first line and it sounds wonderful! During rehearsals it went okay as well but now it's even better. After the first verse I look up to note that Annie is doing great as well. With great confidence I continue to sing the rest of my song, feeling like a professional singer. The breathing techniques Annie taught me have increased my singing volume and my voice sounds crystal clear as it echoes through the theater. I'm quite impressed with myself. My singing sounds ten times better when I'm not up there and now I'm not nervous at all. I suppose my nerves are somehow connected with that stage, the bright lights and.. the audience. After the final notes of my song, a clatter of applause follows and Annie quickly leaves the stage, fleeing to my dressing room. I follow her and lock the door again once we're both inside.
"Did you hear that?" she exclaims excitedly. "That was for you girl!" She holds up her hand for a high five but I turn away and sit down.
"No it wasn't. You were the one on the stage."
"Yeah, but it was your voice they were clapping for! Look, don't start feeling guilty now, it went great. So if you're not willing to take full credit for this just because you weren't on the stage, how about we split it, huh? 50-50?" she offers.
"Deal" I say and get up for the high five after all.
******
After Annie has changed back into her own outfit, we stay in my dressing room until the show is over. We talk about numerous things and I think I've expressed my gratitude about ten times by now. At first it still bothers me, what we did feels wrong. Steve hired me to do a job and I didn't do it. But Annie quickly talks me out of it with those rationalizations she's so good at. After a while I have to agree with her. We then digress to other subjects like Annie's date tomorrow night, men in general and going out. We decide to go out tonight to celebrate our victory.
There's a knock on the door and someone attempts to enter but it's still locked. I let out a small cuss as I rush to the door to unlock it.
"Ladies," Steve greets as he enters the dressing room. "Nice performance."
I'm beginning to wonder who he's talking to when Annie kicks my ankle. "Oh, um.yes" I stammer. "Thanks."
Steve looks deeply into my eyes for a moment and I feel like he's searching for the truth. I can't lie and I wonder if I even need to. Does he know? But how can he? My cheeks start to glow and I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hand, praying for this awkward moment to end. The seconds seem to stretch to minutes because he takes the time to look around the room, his eyes then dart from me to Annie and back, a flutter of a smile on his lips.
"You too Annie" he finally says.
It feels as though a ton of bricks has just been dumped on my head. I'm totally stunned. How can he have found out? I am positive, absolutely positive nobody saw me. I made very sure that no one saw me back there, so how does he know? Annie seems to be thinking the same for she almost looks like a reflection of me: mouth agape, body frozen in shock, cheeks flushed. Steve keeps looking at Annie and me as though we're a couple of statues at Madame Tussaud's. I then step forward.
"How did you find out?" I ask softly.
Annie follows my example and steps out of her pose as well. She doesn't say anything but her eyes are asking the same question. Steve's smile transforms to loud laughter as he looks at our puzzled faces.
"Come on you guys" he finally shrieks. "What do you take me for? It was a flawless performance, I have to give you that but Annie has worked for me for years. You think I don't know the voice and dance style of my star performer?"
"Oh" Annie responds as if only just realizing he's her director.
"But," Steve adds, "I have to admit it took mere moments for me to figure it out, because I was under the impression that you two were still fighting. But as soon as I realized it had to be Annie up there, I assumed you two must've made up. When I entered this dressing room just now and found you two together, I was certain" he explains triumphantly.
"Well, I only did it because Caroline was about to die of nerves, right Care?" Annie says quickly, trying to salvage the situation.
I nod to confirm. Annie then becomes nervous and carefully asks, "Am I in trouble?" She adopts her 'innocent girl' look she usually uses to get out of speeding tickets. Now, I'm not a very good judge of character but Steve doesn't seem mad at all. In fact, he's still smiling.
"No Annie, you're not in trouble. If you hadn't stepped in, the show would've been in big trouble. So you actually did a good thing. The show must go on, right?"
Annie lets out a sigh of relief. "Right"
"I'm so sorry Steve" I apologize, "I just froze when I saw that audience. When I was behind the scenes, everything was fine all of a sudden."
"I know" he nods. "Good you were there to help then, huh?" he smiles at Annie.
We both sink down in a chair, chuckling with relief. "Phew!" Annie says, wiping imaginary sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand. "That turned out better than I thought. I mean, when I realized you knew.." She looks up at Steve "my heart was going 200 beats per minute!"
"I know" I chuckle. "I was about to top that when I had to go on stage."
Annie turns serious. "Hey, I'm sorry that this singing thing didn't work out for you" She and Steve look at me sympathetically.
"What do you mean?" I ask, looking back and forth between the two. "It has worked out for me, just not in the way I wanted it to. I mean, I now know that I have this talent, I'm just hopeless in front of an audience. Besides, I think the real reason I did this was to prove something. I never even gave it enough thought. But I still love singing...in the shower!" I add with a chuckle. "So I think this was just a wise lesson for me."
"Ugh, you and your never-ending positivism." Annie smiles with mock annoyance.
Steve smiles as well. "Well, all's well that ends well, right?"
"Right" we reply in unison.
"And you, Caroline" he continues, "are just not cut out to be in the theater, I suppose."
"No I guess not" I agree, disappointed but happy at the same time. "There is one thing I hate about all this, though"
"What's that?" Annie asks me.
"That you were right. Not everybody can do this, it's hard, very hard."
Annie smiles contentedly. "Yeah and don't you forget it."
Steve chuckles, then turns and walks over to the door. "Well, I'll leave you ladies to it then" With the knob already in his hand he glances over his shoulder. "Oh and Caroline.?"
I look up. "Yeah?"
"You're fired." he smiles and closes the door behind him.
The End.
"Good morning, Caroline!" It sounds like thousands of trumpets blowing in my ear. I also place my right hand on my head, which is about to explode.
"My god, Annie, must you talk so loudly?" I ask, my voice still a little hoarse from last night.
Annie glances nonchalantly at me as she pours herself some coffee. She studies my wrecked appearance and smiles. "Well, somebody's a bit hung over I see."
She takes a mug from the mug tree. "Coffee?" she asks, holding up the mug. She doesn't wait for my response but just starts pouring. I guess she doesn't need to ask me, I have 'I need coffee' written all over me. She hands me a mug and ushers me to the sofa.
"How come you're so cheerful? Don't you have a headache?" I sip my coffee and think of last night. Annie had just as much to drink as I did but she seems fine.
"Caroline, let me teach you something about alcohol. Alcohol is like men. The more you get, the less effect it has on you, and then you just need more and more to get the same effect!" she grins, proud of her analogy. "You just need to drink more often, or get a man. You see, they balance each other out."
"Gee, well thanks for this useful information" I mumble sarcastically as I take another sip of my coffee. The warmth and bitterness of the liquid is exactly what I need. I already feel better.
"Hey, how about you give it another shot tonight? Come with me, we're having a big celebration 'cause Cats is the longest running show on Broadway."
"You celebrate that?" I ask, placing my coffee on the cedar chest.
"Yeah, sure."
She sees my doubtful look and then admits, "Okay, look, it's just an excuse to get hammered! You comin' or what?"
I don't think she gets the message on how awful I felt after the previous night. "Are you kidding? It'll take me that long to get over yesterday!" I immediately associate 'yesterday' with 'headache' and reach for my coffee again.
"C'mon, it'll be fun!" Annie begs.
"I don't think so, Annie. I'll just stay home. Besides, I don't know any of the people you're going with."
"So? You can get to know them. It'll just be the cast and maybe the director. He's kinda cuuuuute!" She pronounces her last two words in a childish singing tone.
"If he's so darn cute, why haven't you made a move on him yet?" I ask.
She seems offended, or at least she pretends to be. She plants her fists on her hips. "Caroline, I know it's early but try to think for a moment, will you? The guy is my director! I couldn't possibly go out with my own director, could I? Ugh..."
"Oh, right, of course." Probably gay, I think. Damn, I spend too much time with Richard. I even start to think like him now.
Annie doesn't give up by the way. She keeps begging me to come. I don't know why she wants me there so badly, but eventually I cave. I suppose it would be good for me to get out more. Even Salty seems to get bored with me now. Besides, I don't have to drink if I don't want to, right?
******
Right. So, it was probably not so much those Tequila's I drank but maybe just the white wine I washed them down with. I know I said I wouldn't drink anymore but I didn't really care. I felt amazing and that's all that mattered. Annie's friends were very nice but it was obvious they did this more often. First we went to a club, then a bar until we were at our.third bar? Or was it our fourth? I totally lost touch with my surroundings. I'm never the partying type but the alcohol had totally blocked out my timid personality and I loved this confident party girl I had become.
Maybe that was why I suddenly found myself on the stage, holding a mike, singing karaoke songs. I wasn't sure if people were cheering for me or not, but this was karaoke, so it didn't matter. My head was spinning and I swayed from side to side on the stage, which I tried to sell off as dancing. I sang many songs among which were 'It's in his kiss' and 'Let's get excited'. My last song was a big hit, everybody clapped for me. I'm not sure what happened after that. I think I tried to bow but I must've lost my balance. At least that would explain the splitting headache I wake up with the next morning. "Nice talk, Annie" I mutter. "Alcohol and men.. I think I prefer men." I try to open my eyes but I squeeze them shut again, covering them with my hand to block out every possible ray of light. This is gonna be a long day.
******
"My god, what happened to you?" is Richard's untactful response to my appearance.
"Nothing" I say. "I went out with Annie last night and I might've had a little too much to drink." I pour myself some coffee and sit down at the partners' desk.
"A little? You look like you drank their entire liquor supply!"
"So what? I'm entitled to drink once in a while!" I conveniently leave out the fact that last night was the second night in a row. "Besides, it was fun. I sang karaoke!" I add.
"Oh, so you weren't the only one who woke up with a headache then" he quips.
"Hey, that's not true!" I say defensively, "I was really good, everybody clapped and cheered after my performance!"
"Yeah, because they were glad you were done." He takes his empty mug to the kitchen for a refill.
"Wow, you're on a roll today aren't you?" I ask, aiming at his sarcasm.
He smirks. "Yeah, I had a good weekend."
At that moment the door opens and Annie walks in. Again she seems unaffected by the alcohol.
"Hey Caroline! Recovered from last night yet?" she asks cheerfully.
I turn my head and shoot her a look. She knows very well I'm not going to recover for a while yet.
"Ooops, guess not, huh?" she says teasingly. She helps herself to some coffee. "Maybe you should just stick with men in the future -.. Shut up!" she warns Richard who is already opening his mouth for another sarcastic comment.
I giggle. Those two are always at each other, it's quite amusing.
"You know Caroline, he seemed to really like you." She drops a lump of sugar in her coffee and stirs it as she walks over to the couch.
"Who?" I ask in confusion.
"My director! Who do you think? He even asked for your phone number."
"Really?" I arch my eyebrows. I didn't even notice. But I guess I was too drunk for that. I shrug. "Well, I'm glad you didn't give it to him, he's not my type."
"Oh, but I did give it!" she says, completely clueless of what she's done.
"What?! Are you crazy?" I exclaim.
"Well Care, like I said before, if you can't handle the alcohol you need to get yourself a man! Or I prefer a combination but that's too advanced for you" she grins at her own logic.
I am starting to get really angry with her. I rarely get mad at Annie but this time she she's gone too far. "Annie, you can't just give some guy my phone number without consulting me! What were you thinking?"
"Oh, would you relax? It's just a phone number! You don't have to sleep with him or anything!"
"Yeah, like you'd know" Richard mumbles under his breath without looking up from his work.
I spin my chair around to look at him. "Finally. What took you so long? I already thought you were remarkably quiet during the 'men and alcohol' part" I grin. He looks up briefly and smirks before concentrating on his work again. I get up from my chair and chase after Annie, who is on her way to the door. She ignores Richard's comment and picks up our conversation.
"Caroline, if you don't want to go out with him just tell him 'no' and ask him not to call you anymore. Geez." she says, clearly annoyed with me for making a problem out of this. With that she leaves and takes her coffee with her.
This is so typical of Annie. She hardly ever gets wound up over anything and she doesn't see why other people feel the need to do so. I sit down hard on the couch, which I regret immediately because I had forgotten all about my headache. Richard walks up to me and hands me a glass of water and some aspirin.
I look up at him. "Thank you, Richard"
"Oh please, it's purely self-interest." He walks back to the desk. "I still have a full day of work to go and I don't think it'll go very smoothly with you as a train-wreck."
"Gee, thanks." I drag myself to the partner desk. As soon as I sit down the phone rings, which is - of course- on the couch. I sigh deeply and start dragging myself out of my seat again.
Richard rolls his eyes. "Oh for god's sake! I'll get it. Please sit! I thought I was supposed to be the grumpy one here." He puts down his pencil and walks over to the couch to answer the phone. I spin my chair around to find out who it is. His face turns smug when he hears who is calling.
"Here" he says as he hands me the phone. "It's loverboy." I give him an angry look as I take over the phone, which only seems to amuse him. He loves teasing me with this.
"Hello?" I say hesitantly, wondering how I'm going to brush him off 'cause I know I'm too spineless for that. I don't know where Annie got the idea from that I can just say 'no' to this guy.
"Hello, Caroline?" comes another hesitant voice from the other side of the line. "It's Steve, from last night.. Annie's director?"
"Oh right." Like I don't already know who he is. But he probably isn't sure how much I remember after last night.
"Look, Caroline, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me today?" he asks expectantly. He sounds a little insecure and shy and he seems like a nice man, but I still don't feel like going out with him.
"Well, actually Steve,.um. I feel very flattered but.um.. you're not my type" I manage to force out, turning away from Richard who's listening in to the conversation and is smirking devilishly at my clumsiness.
"Oh, but I wasn't asking you out on a date! I apologize if it came across that way. No, I just wanted to talk to you about something" Steve replies.
Boy, do I feel stupid. So, he doesn't even have a romantic interest in me, he just wants to meet me for lunch. I become curious about what it is he wants to talk to me about. So I agree to meet him for lunch at Remo's.
******
When I get to Remo's at lunchtime, Steve is already there. He gets up from his seat to welcome me.
"So, how are you?" he asks.
I hang my coat over the back of my chair and sit down. "Well, I have a terrible headache, but other than that I'm fine, thanks." I smile, trying not to look too eager to find out what this meeting is about. I hate secrets and I really have to put up an act to appear calm.
He sits down as well. "Yeah, you were pretty drunk, weren't you? They couldn't get you off that stage if they wanted to. Which is actually what I wanted to talk to you about." He beckons Remo to take our order.
"You wanted to talk to me about how much I drank last night? Who sent you, my mother?" I chuckle. Where is this conversation going? I am starting to regret accepting his invitation.
"No, Caroline what I wanted to talk to you about is your voice. You have a beautiful voice, do you realize that?" He leans forward, his elbows resting on the table. He looks me in the eye to make clear to me that he is serious. Which is a pity really, 'cause I am starting to feel a little shy and embarrassed again and if he hadn't been this serious I might've been able to dismiss him with a joke.
"It was just karaoke." I say nonchalantly, hoping he'll drop the subject. Sure, I like getting compliments but they always make me somewhat uncomfortable. Besides, no one has ever commented on my singing before. Not positively anyway.
"All the same, you sang beautifully," he smiles, obviously not planning to let this topic go yet. "And that's why I wanted to meet with you: I want to offer you a job. I want you to sing in my new show."
I'm pretty sure the alcohol from last night has also affected my hearing. It must have, 'cause there is no way he could've said what I just heard. This is too ridiculous to be true. I carefully look away from him and start checking all corners and plants for hidden cameras. When I can't find one, I look at Steve again. I blink a couple of times to see if he is still here, maybe I'm just dreaming.
"Excuse me??" I then chuckle.
"I know, it must be quite a surprise to you, but I really want you to consider auditioning for me. You have talent, Caroline" he says.
"Well.um.. Steve, I don't think so, I don't like being in the spotlight."
"Really?" He sits back and folds his arms across his chest. "You could've fooled me" he grins.
I feel even more embarrassed now. What can I say to get him off my back? "Um..you know what I mean, don't you? Last night was an exception. Singing is not for me" I try.
At that moment Remo arrives at our table. He hears my last phrase and of course he is too nosy to leave us alone, he wants to know what we are talking about. He puts his notepad back in his chest pocket and turns to me.
"Last night? What happened last night, Carolina? What was that about singing?" he asks curiously.
How can this situation get any worse? I already hate the fact that Steve won't leave me alone, but if Remo knows, I'll never hear the end of it. He's got a mouth on him like you wouldn't believe. If he found out, I'm sure that within a week all my friends and even people I don't know would be fully informed about this. Don't get me wrong, I like Remo, but now I am getting annoyed. I feel trapped. "Remo, would you mind? We're talking here!" I hiss through gritted teeth. I shoot him an angry look and for this one time he seems to get the message.
"Oh, certainly Carolina, I'm sorry" he says, a little taken aback. He then takes out his notepad again. "So, what'll it be?" he asks, a hint of dented pride in his voice.
Steve must feel sorry for Remo or something, because he doesn't seem to understand why I am so secretive about this. He looks up at Remo. "I'll have a white wine. You know, we were just discussing Caroline's talent. Did you know she's a wonderful singer? I just offered her a job in my new show." he smiles, totally unaware of the painful situation he has just created.
If not for the fact that I am the subject of all this, I would think that Remo's reaction is priceless. His eyes widen and his jaw drops open. For a moment he just stares at Steve and me, then he starts to laugh. It's not just a small laugh, no, he is hysterical. He can't seem to stop laughing, which is funny at first, but soon becomes insulting.
"You?? A singer?" he shrieks with laughter.
My cheeks feel warmer and warmer. I'm pretty sure my whole face has reddened with anger by now. If he doesn't stop laughing soon, I am going to explode. Remo wipes away some tears from his eyes and his laughter finally dies down a little.
"But Carolina, this is ridiculous, huh? You're not a singer!" He looks at me as if he expects me to agree with him.
I place my hands on the table leaf and push myself up from my seat. "I don't see what's so funny, Remo! Why can't I be a singer?"
It is obvious Remo didn't expect this reaction. His expression turns apologetic, but it is too late. I have already gotten too angry. It's probably my insecurity that has started this rage but I can't stop myself anymore now that it's begun.
"You know what? I'm gonna do it!" I suddenly bark. "I'll prove to you how good I am! Steve, I'll call you later!" With that I grab my coat and my purse and storm out of the restaurant, leaving a dumbfounded Remo and an astonished Steve behind.
******
When I arrive at my apartment my anger has died down, but I must have a distressed expression on my face, because Richard asks me about it as soon as I get in.
"What happened? Didn't your lunch with Steve go well?"
"Ugh.., it's not Steve I'm angry with. It's Remo." I sort of relive the situation with Remo while I tell Richard about what just happened and I get worked up again. "He just laughed at me in my face! It was so insulting!" I take off my coat while I continue. "As if he can tell me what I can or can't do! As if I couldn't be a singer!"
I stop dead in my tracks when I realize I have just blurted out what was supposed to be secret. I slowly look up, afraid that within a second I'll be another laughing stock. But he doesn't say anything, he just looks at me blankly.
"What? No sarcasm from you?" I ask in confusion. "Has your new buzz from this weekend already worn off?" I know I probably shouldn't ask, but c'mon, Richard isn't Richard without sarcasm, right?
"Well, actually Caroline, I'm amazed too. I mean, this moment is just perfect for some sarcasm, but I just can't think of anything. Maybe I already filled my quota for today. I must be losing it." He seems too confused to get back to the main subject.
"Look, Richard, what do you think I should do? Steve asked me to sing in his new musical. He seemed pretty impressed with my voice." I bite my lip, waiting for the sarcastic reply after all.
"Well, Caroline, I think you should do whatever you want to. If it makes you happy, then go for it."
He gets back to his side of the desk and looks for the right panel to start on next. Of course. That is the other side of Richard. If he isn't being sarcastic he is simply ignorant. Oh well, at least he doesn't laugh at me like Remo did. Just when I want to ask Richard about it again, Annie enters.
"Hey Caroline, so...you went out with Steve after all? How was it?"
When she sees my puzzled look she explains; "Richie told me."
I turn my head to give Richard an accusatory look. He looks up. "Sorry. I needed something to compensate for my lack of sarcasm" he apologizes with a smirk.
Annie tries to get my attention again. "Caroline, I'm really sorry about this morning. I thought about it, and you were right. I shouldn't have given him your phone number without consulting you. But I hear it's a good thing I did after all, huh?" she smiles, nudging me.
She sits down on the armrest of the sofa. She pulls up her legs and wraps her arms around them. I start to feel at ease again. At least Richard is okay with the idea of me singing and Annie and I are alright again. I sigh, then smile at Annie. Her eyes are twinkling with curiosity. As long as there are men involved she is always full of interest. I sit down across from her on the cedar chest.
"Well, first of all, it wasn't a date."
"It wasn't? But I thought you went to lunch with him?"
"Yeah I did, but he wanted to ask me something. Apparently I did very well on the stage last night. He wants me to be in his new show!" I exclaim enthusiastically.
I think Annie almost falls of the couch in shock. She jumps up. "You?? In a show? Doing what?"
"Singing of course. What else?" I get up too, to face Annie.
"But Caroline, you're not a singer" Annie chuckles.
"I know, but Steve seems to think I can be."
"Oh, puhleeaase! He's just trying to get you into bed!"
Well, my calmness didn't last long then. Once again I feel anger coming over me. Maybe I am even angrier now than I was with Remo. After all, Annie is my best friend she is supposed to support me. I plant my hands on my hips and approach her.
"Really? That explains why he hasn't offered you a part yet then!" I shout.
Annie is mad now, too. The fact that she is a little taller than me seems to come in handy now. She rises to stand up to me. "What's that supposed to mean?!" she barks.
"Look, Annie, I just don't see why you can't be a little more supportive about this. Is it so hard for you to understand that I might actually have talent?"
"Yeah, if you actually had some!" Annie scoffs. "Caroline, have you got any idea what it takes to be a professional singer? You can't just walk in and 'join us'! It's not a club, it's a job! And some people have to work very hard for it!"
"I know that, Annie. I didn't think of this myself, Steve offered me this job. And frankly, I think you're just a little jealous."
I probably shouldn't have used the 'j'- word. I seem to have ignited something with it, because she's about to explode.
"Oh yeah?? Then you're on your own now, Caroline!" She storms out and slams the door.
Before I have a chance to even think about what just happened, the door opens again and Del enters.
"Hi, um.what's up with Annie? She simply brushed past me in the hallway just now. She seemed kind of angry." He glances over his shoulder as if she is still there, then he looks at me expectantly.
Man, everybody is after me today, aren't they? Or is it just the aftermath from the alcohol that makes it seem that way? I do seem to stumble from one chaos into the next today. After my argument with Annie I don't feel like talking to Del at the moment.
"What do you want, Del?" I snap.
Del looks at me in confusion. Of course I shouldn't snap at him, none of this is his fault after all, but his timing is just bad. I would just like to be on my own for a while, to think about what I've been offered, if it could be something for me. But ever since I've left Remo's, this thing seems to have snowballed, leaving me with no time to properly think this through. Del notices how distracted I am and he approaches me. He places a hand on my shoulder and gently sits me down on the couch.
"Hey, you wanna tell me what's going on here?" he asks softly.
I look over at Richard who pretends to be invisible and just keeps coloring without meddling in our conversation. I then look down at my lap. Del sits down across from me and tilts my chin. "So?" he asks.
"Okay, look Del, here's the thing; I went out with Annie and some of her friends last night and I got really drunk and sang karaoke. Annie's director seemed to like my voice and he's offered me an audition for his new show. He seems to think I'm perfect for the part."
"Really? That's awesome!" he exclaims. "Or isn't it?" he then asks when he notices my downcast expression.
"Yeah, well I guess it is, but Annie's mad at me now. She wasn't supportive at all about this and when I suggested she was just jealous she got really mad at me."
"But she probably is jealous! I mean, she works really hard for a chance like this and it must be a bit hard on her to see you getting it thrown into your lap like that" Del reasons.
"I know, but this was never my intention. Maybe I should just call it off." I bend my head and stare at my feet.
"No way! Caroline, don't worry about Annie, she'll come around. You have to do this! Besides, think of the publicity for your strip: 'Cartoonist becomes singer'" He gazes into space and indicates an imaginary sign with his hands.
I smile. His simplistic approach to life always annoyed me when we were dating but as friends, I really like it. "Thanks, Del." I hug him and then get up. "I'm going to call Steve now." I pick up the phone and dial Steve's number to let him know he has a deal.
******
As I ride the 9 line on my way to the theater, I try to imagine myself on a stage, singing. Dozens of lights on me, hundreds of fans screaming for more, signing autographs, my picture on covers of magazines, interviews, TV shows,.. Okay, so maybe I am getting carried away. I try to imagine someone actually paying to hear me sing... I mean, I don't hate my own voice, but I am never sure if it is any good. Most of the time it just sounds mediocre to me. Maybe if other people listen to it, it sounds better? Or is it the other way around? How amazing would that be, people actually paying to hear me sing! Me, Caroline Duffy! It would sure teach my old music teacher, Mrs. Foreman, who said I didn't have a musical bone in my body. Or all those kids who used to tease me in high school. Hah! How stupid would they feel if they suddenly saw me on television? And if they'd come over and apologize I'd laugh at them! And then I would.- Oh, I'm here. I grab my purse and get off the train.
I'm not nervous at all when I push open the tall glass doors that give me access to the theater. I feel totally at ease, very calm actually. You don't believe me? Fine then, I don't believe myself either.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" I repeat to myself with each step I take. I rush into the nearest bathroom and lean against the door. I roll my eyes upward and try to remember why I agreed to do this. I could still back out of this. I could just walk out of here, go home and call Steve with a squeaky voice, saying I'm sick. And then of course I'd just 'forget' to set up a new appointment. How I'd love to go for that option. But I can't, I already told everyone I'm going to do this. Del is probably working on some publicity stunt as we speak. And I have something to prove to Remo, to Richard and to Annie... God, how does she do this every day? I still haven't spoken to her since our argument. When she sees me she just walks off without saying anything. It really stings when she ignores me like that. I must try to talk to her again today. Eventually we'll make up, I'm sure. Damn! I totally lost track of time! I rush out of the bathroom and when I come running in, I don't even have the time to feel nervous anymore. Steve comes walking up to me with a broad smile on his face.
"Caroline!" he exclaims. "So glad you could make it! How are you?"
"Well, I had a terrible fight with Annie about all this. It's so bad she's not even speaking to me, so it really bothers me" I say uncomfortably.
"I see. Well, I wouldn't worry about Annie. I've known her for years now and she never stays mad long." He smiles and I wonder if there's anything that upsets this man. "We'll take your mind off of this. Come with me."
He gently places his hand on my lower back and ushers me through a door into what seems to be an endless hallway. The white, marble floor is neatly polished and shines as though no one ever walks on it. The walls are covered with numerous photos of -no doubt- very famous people. I don't recognize any of them.
"So, nervous?" Steve glances down at me and smiles.
"Not at all" I lie and give him a convulsive smile.
"Good. No need to be" he tells me as we reach the end of the hallway and ushers me through a second door. After that we end up in something that seems like a maze of little hallways, lots of doors (some even have name plates on them!) and all the equipment anyone could ever need in the theater. When Steve stops walking and he steps onto something that seems to be a stage, we finally seem to have arrived.
"Well, here we are." He smiles again. God, why must he smile all the time? There's nothing funny about this! This is scary, this is horror, this is.. a nightmare.
"Okay then. Just step onto the stage here." He gestures towards the big stage. As if I don't already see where it is! I can hardly miss it, can I? "We'll just start with this song, just to see how we go." He hands me a piece of paper with the lyrics to my song on it. "I'll be over there" he says. He points into the darkness and then disappears.
Where did he go? He can't just leave me here on my own! I take the piece of paper in my other hand as I wipe my hand on my pants. For some reason my palms are all sweaty now. I take over the piece of paper again and wipe off my other hand. There doesn't seem to be any point. I inhale deeply a couple of times. "C'mon Caroline, you can do this." I encourage myself. I sigh in an attempt to control my shallow breathing.
"Whenever you're ready, Caroline!" I hear Steve calling.
Okay, let's go then. I stand up straight and hold my chin up in the air. I take a big step and then step onto the stage. It's shaped like half a circle so the audience can also see from the sides. The bright lights immediately blind me. I walk over to the middle of the stage, but I can't see anything. No Steve, no-..are there even other people here? Or will it just be him? I can't see anything. The seating area is completely dark and the bright lights on the stage make it impossible to see anything that's more than 4 feet away. In the corner of my eye I notice a piano, half-hidden by the giant curtains. The piano-player takes my glance as encouragement and starts to play. Oh god, there's no way back now.
My heart is beating furiously in my chest, so hard I'm afraid it might actually pop out. For some reason I suddenly can't control my breathing anymore and an invisible hand has clasped my throat and slowly squeezes it shut until I can hardly breathe anymore. I can feel my face flushing with heat and my legs get all wobbly, as though the bones in them have liquidized all of the sudden. As I raise my hand with the lyrics to my song, I note that it's shaking like a leaf, which makes it hard to even read. How can anyone sing like this? Then the intro ends and the piano player hits two 'c' notes as an indication that I should start to sing now. I open my mouth and..I sing! I actually sing my first line! And it sounds awful.
Okay, I'm singing but you can hardly compare it to the type of singing I do when I'm in the shower or when I'm cooking. The first lines come out softly and off tone. Do I even still speak English? The words don't even sound right. Geez, what's wrong with me? I'm totally screwing this up! I panic, I can't think of anything more demeaning than this. Steve is probably wondering how he could've misjudged me like this. He's probably thinking of a good excuse to get rid of me right now, he's...-
I call myself to order when I miss another note. "Come on, focus!" I scold myself. I take a deep breath, start the second verse and oh joy: it sounds much better! It sounds good. My nerves slowly start to decrease and I start to feel more confident. When the piano player hits the final notes to my song and the music fades, I exhale with relief and gaze expectantly into the seating area.
Silence. There's nothing but a deadly silence in the theater. After a few moments that seem like hours to me, the lights on the stage dim and the house lights slowly go on. Then Steve starts to applaud. He's sitting in the second row and he has his left leg up on his right, a notepad in his lap. He just looks at me and applauds. I feel my mouth curl up into an ear-to-ear grin and I couldn't be happier when Steve comes up to me and climbs onto the stage.
"Excellent!" he praises me. "I was a little worried, you were a little rocky at first, huh?" I nod and he continues; "But you completely made up for that with the second verse! Good job!" he assures me again. He extends his hand to me and I shake it.
"Congratulations, you're in the show!" he says and I think I'm gonna faint.
I try to restrain myself as I ride the train back to my place. I look like just another passenger making her way home. Okay, apart from the smug grin I can't seem to wipe off my face anymore, but nobody notices that, do they?
When I get home I rush upstairs and when I enter my loft I find Del waiting for me on the couch. He turns his head at the sound of the door opening and looks at me expectantly. My smile becomes wider and I start jumping around my apartment as though I've just won the lottery.
"I did it, I did it!" I cry out, unable to come up with a proper sentence.
Del gets up and smiles at me. I suppose he doesn't need me to tell him the full story to know I did well. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. He then lifts me up and whirls me around before setting me down on my feet again.
"Congratulations Caroline!" he exclaims and he hugs me even tighter. "So, you're in the show then?" he asks.
I just nod in response, still smiling. I can't believe it yet, I'm gonna be so famous! Del suddenly pulls out a bottle of champagne out of nowhere and we spend the rest of the afternoon celebrating (and calling my mom and all my friends and acquaintances and....well, everyone I can think of really). It's already dark outside when Del leaves. I say goodbye to him at the door and when the doors to the elevator open, they reveal Annie standing there, holding her Cats duffel bag. She says 'hi' to Del as she gets out of the elevator. She then shoots me an angry look and enters her own apartment. I even hear her chaining the door from where I'm standing and I feel a pang of disappointment at the sound. This was such a great day (I mean, after the whole singing part was over) and now I don't feel happy at all anymore. What's fame when your best friend won't speak to you anymore? Determined to end this for now and forever, I walk over to her apartment and knock on the door. She opens the door a little, not removing the chain. She peeks around the corner.
"Look, Annie. We need to talk" I start.
"I have nothing to say to you, Caroline" she retorts and attempts to close the door again.
I quickly put my foot between the door and the doorframe. "No Annie! We are gonna talk about this right now, whether you like it or not!" I shout.
"Step back" Annie says. I do so, she then closes the door to remove the chain. She looks a little taken aback when she opens it again. I guess she is a little shocked by my sudden firmness. I am too, actually. I'm never this forward. If this weren't such a rotten situation I'd be pretty impressed with myself.
I step inside and stand still in the middle of the room. I already lost my nerve again so I'm a bit afraid to sit down. But Annie gestures for me to sit on the sofa while she lets herself sink onto her bed. My mind has gone blank all of a sudden and I'm trying to think of something wise and rational to say when I notice Annie staring at me questioningly.
"What?" she then snaps. "You wanted to talk, so talk."
She's pretending to be mad and I can still detect a little anger but most of it is just an act. I know Annie too well, she's too proud to cave first so I decide that apologizing is probably the best approach.
"I'm sorry I called you jealous Annie" I start. "I didn't mean it, I was just..well, I dunno. So many things happened at once and when it seemed like you weren't going to support me."
"I was going to support you!" she says, slightly offended.
"I know, I know" I respond softly, trying to stop her from getting wound up again. "I misinterpreted. Can you forgive me?"
"I was just trying to look out for you, you know" she adds. "Theater is much harder than you think."
I nod, then look up at her, pleading for forgiveness. When I see the corner of her mouth curl up into a smile, I know we're okay again.
"Come here you!" she exclaims and walks over to hug me.
We hug for a moment, both happy that we're friends again. I can't remember ever having had such a fight with Annie and I never want this to happen again.
"So, will you help me with this?" I ask as we break the embrace. "That song is really hard, I wonder how I'm even going to learn it."
"Of course I will!" she assures me. "I'll help you in every way I can. That's what friends are for, right?"
She then winks at me over her shoulder and disappears into the kitchen to find something to celebrate our reconciliation with.
******
The next few weeks Annie stays true to her promise and helps me in every way she can. She gives me exercises to improve my singing and she insists that I do them every day. So my day now begins with getting up and exaggeratedly forming my mouth into the letters A, E, O, U, I, and Y to improve my articulation. I mean, there's no point in me singing up there if no one can understand a word of it, is there?
After breakfast I start with the breathing exercises. I have to take a deep breath, then hold it and finally let it out by using my stomach muscles to push the air out again. I have no idea how to do that but Annie says that the most important thing is that I sing from my stomach and not my chest. She says that I need to place a hand on my stomach when I sing. If I can feel my stomach muscles tense, then I'm doing it right apparently. And then there's some tone ladders I have to sing, using these techniques.
After that I can start working on the strip. I have gotten very busy ever since I agreed to do this show. I now have to work nights as well as days to keep up. Luckily I always have an 'emergency stack' ready that I now take out when I'm too tired to work at night. My afternoons are spent at the theater for rehearsals. My former hobby, ballet, comes in handy now because I have little trouble with the dance steps I have to learn. I only have a small role but there are quite a lot of steps to memorize. And then there's my song as well. But I can do it, at least that's what Del says. Richard says nothing. He doesn't really encourage me but he doesn't put me down either. Oh well, that's just Richard I guess. He doesn't even seem to notice what I'm doing most of the time. However, if I do my singing exercises in his presence, he'll ostentatiously pick up his work and walk out into the hallway. So, if I do need to practice during work hours I can always go to Annie's loft. She can't come to rehearsals because she has her own job as well, but she practices with me at home as much as she can. She must have my part memorized by now as well. She's helped me to learn my dance steps and she's now helping me with my song. It seems to help because Steve compliments me on my progress more and more and he's not the only one. My new colleagues seem to be happy to have me there too.
Despite all the praise, I feel extremely nervous the day before the performance. I lie in my bed and stare at the ceiling, trying to imagine what it will be like. In one fantasy I get 'booed' off stage while in the other I've practically won a Tony. I sigh in exasperation and turn on my side. I squeeze my eyes shut and tightly pull the blanket over me in a desperate attempt to ban out all thoughts and finally get some sleep. After an hour I carefully open one eye. Am I asleep? No. Have I slept yet? No. Damn. Let's hope they'll have some good make-up there or my character will have a lovely new feature tomorrow; bags under her eyes. I throw the blanket off me and sit up. Probably better to do something else for a while. When I'm heating up some warm milk, there's a knock on my door. I slowly walk over to the door, wondering who on earth would come by at this hour? I smile when I see Annie through the peephole and I open the door.
"Hey. I came back from a late performance and I saw that your lights were still on. Nervous?" she asks in one breath, flopping down on my green couch.
I nod and pour the warm milk into two mugs before taking them over to the couch. "Very."
"Thought so" she says and takes a sip of her milk. "There's no need to be. A few nerves will only improve your performance. Every performer has them, you know. Except me of course" she adds.
She playfully slaps my knee and breaks out into a smile as she sees my puzzled look. "Of course I get nervous!" she admits. "I was just kidding."
"Oh" I say, wrapping my hands around the mug and looking down at my milk. I don't really like her joke now, it's no time to make jokes, doesn't she understand that?
Apparently she does because she suddenly leans forward and turns serious. "It'll be alright" she assures me. "Just keep your breathing calm and you'll calm down as well. Besides, I'm going to be there to support you. Trust me, everything will work out just fine."
That's what I like about Annie, she always knows what to say to me. Though the adrenaline rushing through my veins seems to have become a standard part of my blood circulation, it does help to hear someone tell me that it'll be okay. It soothes me in a way I can't manage myself and after a long talk with Annie I finally fall asleep, minding my breathing and focusing on my Tony.
******
What was it again?! Breathe calmly? Hum to myself? Focus on winning a Tony? Do Yoga? Drink coffee?! No, no not coffee. With the buzz I have from today I probably won't need coffee for another two weeks or so. Where are my shoes? Where?! They can't be gone all of a sudden. I rush through my dressing room, frantically pulling open drawers and picking up clothes that are scattered all over the floor. When they don't reveal my shoes I throw them back on the floor again. I look around my dressing room. The walls are painted in salmon pink, the floor (what I can see of it, with all those clothes lying around) is made of hard wood. I have a built-in closet on my left and on my right is a clothing rack. Behind me, next to the door is a large white grooming table. My dressing room is fairly small but pretty and I've turned it into a pigsty in no time at all. Drawers half-open, the floor covered with clothes and shoes (but not the right ones) and the 'good luck' teddy bear I got from Del I can't even find anymore. As I look around the room I realize that my dressing room perfectly reflects how I feel inside. I mean, my own apartment is an organized kind of chaos, just the way I like it. This room is a mess of all kinds of different things, everything mixed up, some things even trackless, just like my emotions at this point. I turn when I hear my door open and I take on my 'laid back, professional singer' pose.
"Yes?" I say with a fake smile.
"Are you nearly ready, Caroline?" Steve asks, taking in my outfit.
"Sure" I lie.
"Great, because people are pouring in already. Wanna see?" he asks excitedly. Apparently it was rhetorical because he takes my elbow and drags me to the wings.
"See?" He pulls open the velvet red curtains just a little so I can see people entering the theater. "Did I tell you that this theater seats roughly 1600 people?" he asks casually, not tearing his eyes away from the seating area. It feels like a punch in the stomach. S-sixteen hundred? I carefully peek through the curtains. It's like a scary movie you're afraid of but watch anyway. People are in a line and get handed their programs by Mandy, the head usher. They then walk on to find their seats, some pointing at the stage and whispering to each other, no doubt in anxious anticipation of what is about to come. I pull my head back and close the curtains. I don't want to see this. Steve doesn't notice a thing.
"Okay, I'll see you in a tick then, huh?" He winks, pats my shoulder and walks off.
I rush back to the safety of my dressing room and sit down on my seat in front of my mirror. I always thought those mirrors with little white lights around them are only used in movies but I actually have one now too! It really makes you feel like I star. I look up into my mirror but I don't see a star. I'm unrecognizable with all that make-up on. Apart from that, I only see a tiny red-head girl with big brown eyes that now start to tingle with tears. I blink them back. I don't want to look like a panda bear if my mascara starts running.
When I saw all those people, now that I'm dressed up and ready to go (apart from my shoes that is, I've still no idea where they are), something happened inside my head. For some reason my insides have turned into stone and I feel unable to move. I try the breathing techniques Annie has taught me, but it doesn't help, my breathing stays ragged. All those people. The image of those expectant faces is etched on my retina, all those eyes. they keep staring at me and I'm not even on the stage yet. I won't be able to do this. I won't be able to do this. I won't.-
"Ten minutes, get a move on!" says a muffled voice from behind my door after a short knock. Whoever it is doesn't bother to come in but seems to have walked on to warn the others.
I get up to lock my door. The click when I turn the key produces a wave of relief. I'm safe now. I lean my back against the door and then bend my knees to let myself slide to the floor. I press my forehead to my knees and wrap my arms around them, hoping that if I make myself small enough, I'll disappear.
First I hear lots of noises around me, excited voices, the dull sound of the audience's footsteps, traffic outside, piano music, a trolley that passes by.. And then everything goes quiet. Maybe it worked. Maybe they forgot about me. I carefully start to get up and jump when there's a knock on the door.
"Caroline?" says a familiar voice.
Maybe if I stay quiet it'll go away. I'm almost afraid to breathe as if it'll make my presence known if I do.
"Caroline?!" comes the voice again, a little less friendly now. "Come on Caroline, open up. I know you're in there!"
I give up and unlock the door, thinking that the windows in this dressing room are too small to escape from anyway.
"What do you think you're doing?!" Annie scolds as she barges into my dressing room. "Why aren't you out there yet? I had to tell them there was a problem with your make-up to excuse you from not being there!"
"I'm sorry Annie" I say, sinking down in a white, fluffy chair.
"Sorry's not good enough!" she exclaims, not sounding very sympathetic.
"I know" I nod. "But it's all I can say. I'm so sorry, but I can't do it. I'm afraid, really afraid." I look up and when she sees the terrified look in my eyes her expression softens.
She squats down next to me. "Hey," she says, rubbing my upper arm, "You'll be fine, it's just nerves. Once you're on that stage they'll be gone and you'll do great" she encourages me.
I shake my head furiously. "No Annie. I can't. I know it sounds weak but I won't even make it up there, the way I'm feeling. I think I'll faint before I can manage to sing a note."
"You're really afraid, aren't you?" she asks softly, getting up.
I nod again and look up at her helplessly.
"Okay, I can't believe I'm doing this, but here's the plan" she says, kicking off her shoes and pulling her jumper over her head. "You're going to find yourself a mike and you're going to sing from behind the scenes while I lip-synch your song and play your character for you. Now, hand over your costume."
My eyes grow wide and my mouth unconsciously drops open when I realize what she's suggesting. I'm still trying to decide if my ears have deceived me when Annie prods my arm.
"Come on! Hurry up, you're..- I'm on in a few minutes!"
I slowly start to remove my costume. "Annie.are you sure..I mean, do you know.-" I stammer.
"Yes! I know the part, I helped you rehearse it, remember? And yes I'm sure. Now hand me that costume!" she says, her arm outstretched, tapping her foot impatiently.
While Annie changes into my costume, I scurry around behind the scenes in search of a mike, staying in the dark areas as to not be noticed. When I return to the dressing room Annie is ready to go on stage. Before it seemed like the perfect solution but my morals take over and I start to have second thoughts.
"Annie.? Maybe this isn't such a good idea, what if Steve finds out?"
"He won't" she says simply, smoothing the folds out of her costume. "Look, he won't be able to tell with this costume and all this make-up."
I nod. She has a point.
She brushes past me to the door of my dressing room. "Now, let's go, it's show time!"
******
As I stand behind the scenes, waiting for Annie to go on stage, I look down at my hands. They're completely steady, not shaky like before or during my audition. I then catch Annie out of the corner of my eye, near the stage. She gives me an encouraging smile and holds up her thumb to let me know it'll be okay. She then walks on to the stage, out of my sight. I know this show by heart, we've done it thousands of times during rehearsals and now that I'm not on that stage I can think clearly and follow it. My song is up next. I take a few steps forward to catch a glimpse of the stage, to see Annie and the other actors. No one seems to notice a thing.
Then the intro begins and I look down at my lyrics. I know the song, but just to be sure, I decided to take them with me. I sing my first line and it sounds wonderful! During rehearsals it went okay as well but now it's even better. After the first verse I look up to note that Annie is doing great as well. With great confidence I continue to sing the rest of my song, feeling like a professional singer. The breathing techniques Annie taught me have increased my singing volume and my voice sounds crystal clear as it echoes through the theater. I'm quite impressed with myself. My singing sounds ten times better when I'm not up there and now I'm not nervous at all. I suppose my nerves are somehow connected with that stage, the bright lights and.. the audience. After the final notes of my song, a clatter of applause follows and Annie quickly leaves the stage, fleeing to my dressing room. I follow her and lock the door again once we're both inside.
"Did you hear that?" she exclaims excitedly. "That was for you girl!" She holds up her hand for a high five but I turn away and sit down.
"No it wasn't. You were the one on the stage."
"Yeah, but it was your voice they were clapping for! Look, don't start feeling guilty now, it went great. So if you're not willing to take full credit for this just because you weren't on the stage, how about we split it, huh? 50-50?" she offers.
"Deal" I say and get up for the high five after all.
******
After Annie has changed back into her own outfit, we stay in my dressing room until the show is over. We talk about numerous things and I think I've expressed my gratitude about ten times by now. At first it still bothers me, what we did feels wrong. Steve hired me to do a job and I didn't do it. But Annie quickly talks me out of it with those rationalizations she's so good at. After a while I have to agree with her. We then digress to other subjects like Annie's date tomorrow night, men in general and going out. We decide to go out tonight to celebrate our victory.
There's a knock on the door and someone attempts to enter but it's still locked. I let out a small cuss as I rush to the door to unlock it.
"Ladies," Steve greets as he enters the dressing room. "Nice performance."
I'm beginning to wonder who he's talking to when Annie kicks my ankle. "Oh, um.yes" I stammer. "Thanks."
Steve looks deeply into my eyes for a moment and I feel like he's searching for the truth. I can't lie and I wonder if I even need to. Does he know? But how can he? My cheeks start to glow and I dig my fingernails into the palm of my hand, praying for this awkward moment to end. The seconds seem to stretch to minutes because he takes the time to look around the room, his eyes then dart from me to Annie and back, a flutter of a smile on his lips.
"You too Annie" he finally says.
It feels as though a ton of bricks has just been dumped on my head. I'm totally stunned. How can he have found out? I am positive, absolutely positive nobody saw me. I made very sure that no one saw me back there, so how does he know? Annie seems to be thinking the same for she almost looks like a reflection of me: mouth agape, body frozen in shock, cheeks flushed. Steve keeps looking at Annie and me as though we're a couple of statues at Madame Tussaud's. I then step forward.
"How did you find out?" I ask softly.
Annie follows my example and steps out of her pose as well. She doesn't say anything but her eyes are asking the same question. Steve's smile transforms to loud laughter as he looks at our puzzled faces.
"Come on you guys" he finally shrieks. "What do you take me for? It was a flawless performance, I have to give you that but Annie has worked for me for years. You think I don't know the voice and dance style of my star performer?"
"Oh" Annie responds as if only just realizing he's her director.
"But," Steve adds, "I have to admit it took mere moments for me to figure it out, because I was under the impression that you two were still fighting. But as soon as I realized it had to be Annie up there, I assumed you two must've made up. When I entered this dressing room just now and found you two together, I was certain" he explains triumphantly.
"Well, I only did it because Caroline was about to die of nerves, right Care?" Annie says quickly, trying to salvage the situation.
I nod to confirm. Annie then becomes nervous and carefully asks, "Am I in trouble?" She adopts her 'innocent girl' look she usually uses to get out of speeding tickets. Now, I'm not a very good judge of character but Steve doesn't seem mad at all. In fact, he's still smiling.
"No Annie, you're not in trouble. If you hadn't stepped in, the show would've been in big trouble. So you actually did a good thing. The show must go on, right?"
Annie lets out a sigh of relief. "Right"
"I'm so sorry Steve" I apologize, "I just froze when I saw that audience. When I was behind the scenes, everything was fine all of a sudden."
"I know" he nods. "Good you were there to help then, huh?" he smiles at Annie.
We both sink down in a chair, chuckling with relief. "Phew!" Annie says, wiping imaginary sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand. "That turned out better than I thought. I mean, when I realized you knew.." She looks up at Steve "my heart was going 200 beats per minute!"
"I know" I chuckle. "I was about to top that when I had to go on stage."
Annie turns serious. "Hey, I'm sorry that this singing thing didn't work out for you" She and Steve look at me sympathetically.
"What do you mean?" I ask, looking back and forth between the two. "It has worked out for me, just not in the way I wanted it to. I mean, I now know that I have this talent, I'm just hopeless in front of an audience. Besides, I think the real reason I did this was to prove something. I never even gave it enough thought. But I still love singing...in the shower!" I add with a chuckle. "So I think this was just a wise lesson for me."
"Ugh, you and your never-ending positivism." Annie smiles with mock annoyance.
Steve smiles as well. "Well, all's well that ends well, right?"
"Right" we reply in unison.
"And you, Caroline" he continues, "are just not cut out to be in the theater, I suppose."
"No I guess not" I agree, disappointed but happy at the same time. "There is one thing I hate about all this, though"
"What's that?" Annie asks me.
"That you were right. Not everybody can do this, it's hard, very hard."
Annie smiles contentedly. "Yeah and don't you forget it."
Steve chuckles, then turns and walks over to the door. "Well, I'll leave you ladies to it then" With the knob already in his hand he glances over his shoulder. "Oh and Caroline.?"
I look up. "Yeah?"
"You're fired." he smiles and closes the door behind him.
The End.