Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, or the song lyrics.
You're the first to fight, you're way too loud.
You're the flash of light on the burial shroud.
I know something's wrong.
Well, everyone I know has got a reason to say,
Put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, and put the past away.
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in.
-Jumper, Third Eye Blind
Beckett was curled into a ball on her sofa, hands clasping the pages of print before her as a sort of flimsy lifeline. She sat there frozen, with her fingers locked in place over the paper, although her eyes had long since ceased to absorb the words. Her mind was at the precinct, reliving the experiences she had felt hours before. She had arrested him, the Boss, the man responsible for her mother's and Roy's deaths. The images and sensations of the day floated into her consciousness much like a dream.
The feel of his skin as she gripped his handcuffed wrists while she walked him down the long hallway…. The softness of his flesh surprised her, repulsed her. She didn't know what she had been expecting, but the very humanness of him felt like a violation of some unspoken moral law she had written in her mind.
The sound of applause echoed behind her as they walked. The entire homicide division had gathered in support, as they all knew what this meant to her. This meant something different to each of them, as well. The loss of their captain had struck a deep chord within them all, and now the man responsible for his death was finally theirs.
More than anything else, she remembered the faces, captured in her mind like freeze frame photographs. The satisfied seriousness that shone though Esposito's eyes as his hand held the shoulder of a softly smiling, teary Lanie. Ryan was gripping the side of his desk in what she could only assume from his pained expression was a so far successful attempt to prevent himself from hurtling one of his gadgets at the handcuffed man walking past. Jim Beckett, who had made a guest appearance to experience the closure it would provide, was watching the scene unfold with the wearied hatred that time had brought glistening to his eyes.
When they had finished their march, and the prison door had clanked shut behind his heavy figure, Kate was left standing eye to eye with the man responsible for so much pain and death. The sharp indifference of his gaze chilled her, and she resisted the overwhelming urge to spit on the granite faced monster through the bars. Instead, she turned firmly and smoothly on her heels and walked away, leaving behind the shadows and skeletons of the past, turning towards the family standing there to support her.
She was hugged by nearly everyone, and when her father's arms enveloped her, he whispered, "It's over now Katie, the dead have long been buried and it's time for you to finally step away from that ledge and let yourself live again."
Then, she saw Castle's face. His gaze was pointed and penetrating, making her feel emotionally naked. His eyes spoke of a deep understanding, a recognition of souls.
A sharp knock snapped her thoughts back to reality, as her eyes darted to the clock on the table to her left. 3:15 a.m. She knew that it could only be one person, and mentally fought between the urge to open it, or to feign sleep until he gave up and left her to her memories.
"I know you're in there and awake, Kate. Open up."
Damn. Option two was out.
Rising slowly, she shuffled over to the door and undid the deadbolt. She was greeted with the sight of Castle standing grim faced in her hallway, one hand gripping a bottle of scotch, the other a plastic bag in which she could see the corner of a Ben & Jerry's logo peeking out.
Wordlessly, she held open the door for him, her haunted green eyes discovering concern in his deep pools of blue in the split second before he moved past her and into the dimly lit apartment.
She grabbed two glasses and spoons from the kitchen before returning to the living room, where he had already settled on her couch, fingertips hovering over the opened book she had been reading and had thrown haphazardly onto the table, his face unreadable.
He looked up as she approached, a tender smile playing on his lips.
"I was not aware of how much vital energy had gone into this struggle until the struggle was removed. I was out on a level plateau with my arms still thrashing and my lungs still grabbing at air that no longer resisted."
His voice, quoting the words that she had turned to in the aftermath held her captivated in the moment.
"Tennessee Williams" he said softly, running his thumb affectionately over the print.
He took the glasses from her hands, his eyes scanning her face. "How are you?" he asked softly, reaching for the scotch as he spoke.
This was too much. Him here, seeing her, really seeing her. He was too close and she needed distance.
She smiled ."I'm really good. Finally seeing him behind bars after all this time brought everything full circle. It's justice, at last." She said shortly, hoping that lie satisfied him.
But, he knew exactly what she was doing. Throwing up walls to hide behind, feeling safe in her loneliness. She reacted to him like a frightened animal; whenever she felt cornered she either fought back hard or played whatever role would most likely push the people around her away, namely him. Her independence stemmed from a deep rooted distrust of the stability of others. In the past those who she had leaned against had fallen, leaving her teetering for balance in their absence. So, she'd learned to stand on her own two feet, no matter the pain it cost her. He could feel the internal battle that raged below her surface. The desire for comfort, connection, and someone to give her tender heart of glass to, pitted against her stern logic that depending on someone was an unsafe risk.
"That's what everyone else believes." He said softly. "But, everyone else thinks you'll get the first good night's rest that you've had in a long time. I know you better than that, Kate."
"This isn't about your mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. You've been chasing this thing so long that you're afraid to find out who you are without it."
His words from before echoed through her mind, shook her, and she responded verbatim, defenses armed against him. "You don't know me, Castle. You think you do, but you don't."
It wasn't true then, and it wasn't true now. If it had been, then she wouldn't be this scared. Her body wouldn't be trembling and warning lights wouldn't be flashing in her head. The truth was that he was too close, inside of her so deeply that he was discovering things about her that she had barely come to terms with herself, and he was throwing them out in the spotlight where she had to face them headfirst. She clung to these words as a desperate attempt to rock him, throw him off enough for her to gain some distance, establish control. But, they had the opposite effect. He was up from the couch and inches away from her, mouth in a thin line, gaze narrowed, eyes blazing, fists clenched.
"I don't know you?" He questioned sharply, voice deadly calm with a dangerous edge. "I knew enough to come here tonight. I know that you've shaped your life around your mother's murder. It's been your driving force for years, giving you a way to channel all of the helplessness and grief you felt back then. It's been your excuse to carry then pain around with you every day on a chain around your neck. I know that right now you're thinking that her murder and the job you took because of it has been your way of defining yourself all this time. Now that it's over, are you just empty like a lost ghost searching for a purpose?"
As he spoke, he watched the fiery resistance he had seen smoldering behind her eyes slowly dim. It reminded him vaguely of when they first met, when he'd guessed at her story and wound up laying her wounds open before him. The vulnerability under her surface had astounded him then, and continued to now.
She turned away before he could see too much. Instinctively, his hand shot out to grasp her wrist, stilling her motion.
"Kate…" he murmured her name softly and brushed his thumb gently over her wrist.
She froze in a half turn, the side of her downturned face all he could see. This was her move. He had laid it all out for her, and he was giving her a place to fall. Now, she could bolt in the opposite direction, or…
She turned back around. Her golden waves had fallen haphazardly over her shoulders; her lower lip was trembling slightly, betraying her emotions, and her eyes… They were red rimmed and brimming with tears, a few of which had escaped down her cheeks. Only this could have such and astounding effect on her. Her tough as nails super cop exterior was what had attracted him to her in the first place, and slowly became what drove him crazy with frustration. But tonight she was human and lost, questioning everything she thought she was. She was standing before him emotionally stripped; every wall and defense that she had erected in the past had come crashing to the ground with his words. He could see her pain, her fear, and the softest glimmer of hope in her gaze. It was the single most beautiful sight he had ever seen.
Castle pulled her towards him gently, his arms wrapping around her body, holding her tightly to him, his face buried in her silken curls. He felt her hands come to rest against the back of his neck, her face pressed into his shoulder. Castle could feel her trembling as the tears slipped down her cheeks.
"Shh, Kate, I'm right here, shhh." He soothed, tightening his grip around her.
They stood there for what seemed like hours, entangled in each other, each clinging desperately to their other half. He, desperate to show her that he was a stable safe haven, and she, caught in a free fall and his arms provided a stronghold of solace.
"This isn't a Shakespearian tragedy, Kate." He said softly "Just because you avenged your mother's murderer doesn't mean your hour upon the stage is over."
He pulled away slightly to allow his eyes to seek out hers. The depth of emotion swirled interchangeably with confusion that he found there floored him. Gently, he trailed his thumb underneath her lids, brushing away the tears that had gathered there.
Kate let his words surround her, fill her. She had never felt this complete loss of identity before, but somehow the man before her was making sense of her chaos.
"There is a moment in our lives when everything we are is funneled in one direction, towards one goal, one job, giving us purpose. Just because the motivation changes doesn't mean that we lose all of those qualities." Castle said softly. "You put every ounce of strength you possessed and all of your heart into finally unraveling the mystery of your mother's murder. Her death didn't make you into a cop, Kate. You made you a cop."
He lifted her chin gently, physically drawing her attention to his next words.
"Kate Beckett is extraordinary; Katherine Beckett is…" His voice caught, and he gave a minuscule shake of his head, his eyes alight with nothing short of adoration. "… breathtaking." He finished softly. "You are both. And you're free, finally."
"Rick, I…" Kate was at a complete loss for words. Succumbing to sensation, she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. "Thank you, Rick." She whispered, her breath tickling his ear. His eyes slipped closed at the contact, his "Always" slipping out like a confession, "Katherine" like a caress.